The Student Room Group

Help, losing virginity tomorrow..

Hello,
I am a 29 y/o female who has not yet had sex. I’ve been in multiple relationships but I’ve just believed in sex after marriage. I also had a physically abusive childhood (nothing sexual) where I grew up not really liking anyone touching me.. I’ve been intimate in previous relationships but I’ve just not had penetrative sex. My current boyfriend is unaware that I am a virgin and he is very very experienced… any advice anyone can offer? I am quite nervous!! I don’t want him to figure out that I’m a virgin but also want to impress him..

Does anyone know if the first time having sex will be painful?


Appreciate any advice as we will have sex tomorrow… eek

Thank you.

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Original post by Anonymous
Hello,
I am a 29 y/o female who has not yet had sex. I’ve been in multiple relationships but I’ve just believed in sex after marriage. I also had a physically abusive childhood (nothing sexual) where I grew up not really liking anyone touching me.. I’ve been intimate in previous relationships but I’ve just not had penetrative sex. My current boyfriend is unaware that I am a virgin and he is very very experienced… any advice anyone can offer? I am quite nervous!! I don’t want him to figure out that I’m a virgin but also want to impress him..
Does anyone know if the first time having sex will be painful?
Appreciate any advice as we will have sex tomorrow… eek
Thank you.

How obvious is it physically is it that you're a virgin?
Reply 2
Most important thing is to relax and not think anyone is judging you to be honest. Do what you feel is right and comfortable and any good guy will be understanding - if they do not they are not nice people and you shouldnt be with them.
What are your bf's expectations, why do you feel you have to perfom tommmorow ?
I should add more than happy to talk if that helps ! :smile:
(edited 1 month ago)
Original post by Anonymous
I don’t want him to figure out that I’m a virgin but also want to impress him..


Without wanting to state the obvious, this style of thinking does make it very obvious you're a virgin, because this isn't how sex works. Whilst you can objectively be better at certain things than other people, fundamentally sex is about the compatibility of two people. Whilst he's experienced, that doesn't mean he will be used to doing things that feel good for you, and even if you had had sex before, it doesn't mean that the things that you were used to doing would feel good for him. If he is as experienced as you say, that will translate into him being attentive and taking the time to figure out what it is you like. Equally, whilst I'm sure there are certain things you could do that could be 'impressive', fundamentally the same thing applies to you as well. Sex is at least as much about each of you telling the other or letting the other know what you enjoy, rather than just showing off your own skills.
I really would tell him that you're a virgin. I entirely understand that you're nervous about doing that, but there's two reasons for it. First, you cannot fake experience that you don't have. You cannot read about sex positions on the internet or watch a bit of porn and suddenly know exactly what you're doing. Second, not only should he be sensitive to the fact that you're a virgin, it's incredibly likely that he would actively want to know. I certainly would in his position, so that I can actually take things slow the first few times and ease you into it. Because yes, sex can be painful, both the first time and if you're not properly aroused. And even if you're attracted to the person you're having sex with (obviously you'd hope to be), nerves and stress can impact that. You really should make him aware of that so that he can take things slow with you. For me, and I think most people, the most important thing about sex is that my partner is enjoying it as well, and neither of want a situation where you don't tell him, he carries on as if you have some level of experience, and it either hurts you or you just tolerate it but don't enjoy it yourself. Really, just tell him. It'll be much better for both of you.
Reply 4
Original post by ageshallnot
How obvious is it physically is it that you're a virgin?

He has commented that I’m quite tight when he’s fingered me.. I just said I haven’t had sex in a while not sure if that’s a valid comment lol. I have tried to stretch myself down there and tried to use a dildo but it doesn’t go all the way in..
Reply 5
Original post by NeoIan
Most important thing is to relax and not think anyone is judging you to be honest. Do what you feel is right and comfortable and any good guy will be understanding - if they do not they are not nice people and you shouldnt be with them.
What are your bf's expectations, why do you feel you have to perfom tommmorow ?
I should add more than happy to talk if that helps ! :smile:

Well we’ve been seeing each other for 2-3 months now and tomorrow is our getaway and we’ve discussed our likes and dislikes.. feeling super nervous!!! I just don’t want him to think of me as inexperienced and an incompatible sexual partner. Thank you so much! I find it hard to discuss this with friends as they also don’t know I’m a virgin!
Original post by Leahkaulitz
He’s tried to finger me and has said I’m quite tight! I just said I haven’t had sex in awhile.. I don’t know if that is a valid point lol I have tried to stretch myself and practice with a dildo but it doesn’t go all the way in..

No, not a valid point. Your vagina cannot be tight or loose depending on how much sex you have, and everything you're doing with a dildo is pointless (when it comes to tightness anyway; exploring your own pleasure is a perfectly good way to spend time). You're not the first and won't be the last person to buy into that myth, but sex doesn't affect that at all. Even after having a baby (which, for really obvious reasons, is far more stressful physically than having sex) your vagina will return to its pre birth state or very near pre birth state after about six months.

Original post by Anonymous
I just don’t want him to think of me as inexperienced and an incompatible sexual partner.


Those two things are not related. Compatibility in large part is about how you communicate. It really doesn't come down to experience. Being inexperienced really is neither here nor there.

I appreciate I'm banging this drum, but I'm going to say again that you really should tell him you're a virgin. It makes it much more likely that the sex will be enjoyable for both of you.
(edited 1 month ago)
Original post by Anonymous
He has commented that I’m quite tight when he’s fingered me.. I just said I haven’t had sex in a while not sure if that’s a valid comment lol. I have tried to stretch myself down there and tried to use a dildo but it doesn’t go all the way in..

If he's as experienced as you say he is then he will have worked it out for himself. As above, tell him beforehand. He should be fine about it. 😃
Reply 8
Original post by Crazy Jamie
Without wanting to state the obvious, this style of thinking does make it very obvious you're a virgin, because this isn't how sex works. Whilst you can objectively be better at certain things than other people, fundamentally sex is about the compatibility of two people. Whilst he's experienced, that doesn't mean he will be used to doing things that feel good for you, and even if you had had sex before, it doesn't mean that the things that you were used to doing would feel good for him. If he is as experienced as you say, that will translate into him being attentive and taking the time to figure out what it is you like. Equally, whilst I'm sure there are certain things you could do that could be 'impressive', fundamentally the same thing applies to you as well. Sex is at least as much about each of you telling the other or letting the other know what you enjoy, rather than just showing off your own skills.
I really would tell him that you're a virgin. I entirely understand that you're nervous about doing that, but there's two reasons for it. First, you cannot fake experience that you don't have. You cannot read about sex positions on the internet or watch a bit of porn and suddenly know exactly what you're doing. Second, not only should he be sensitive to the fact that you're a virgin, it's incredibly likely that he would actively want to know. I certainly would in his position, so that I can actually take things slow the first few times and ease you into it. Because yes, sex can be painful, both the first time and if you're not properly aroused. And even if you're attracted to the person you're having sex with (obviously you'd hope to be), nerves and stress can impact that. You really should make him aware of that so that he can take things slow with you. For me, and I think most people, the most important thing about sex is that my partner is enjoying it as well, and neither of want a situation where you don't tell him, he carries on as if you have some level of experience, and it either hurts you or you just tolerate it but don't enjoy it yourself. Really, just tell him. It'll be much better for both of you.

Thank you! This actually made me feel better.. you’re right it’s more about how we are for each other rather than how experienced we may or may not be.. I’m just scared to tell him! He has previously said he couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t know what they want sexually and I just don’t want to disappoint. Also i may have accidentally told him that I have had sex before… so I don’t want to come across as a liar.. I just panicked and didn’t want him to think I was strange!
Reply 9
Original post by Crazy Jamie
No, not a valid point. Your vagina cannot be tight or loose depending on how much sex you have, and everything you're doing with a dildo is pointless (when it comes to tightness anyway; exploring your own pleasure is a perfectly good way to spend time). You're not the first and won't be the last person to buy into that myth, but sex doesn't affect that at all. Even after having a baby (which, for really obvious reasons, is far more stressful physically than having sex) your vagina will return to its pre birth state or very near pre birth state after about six months.
Those two things are not related. Compatibility in large part is about how you communicate. It really doesn't come down to experience. Being inexperienced really is neither here nor there.
I appreciate I'm banging this drum, but I'm going to say again that you really should tell him you're a virgin. It makes it much more likely that the sex will be enjoyable for both of you.

Ok so even if I have many sexual partners, my vagina will not change regarding tightness etc?

Why are dildos pointless? And how different is the real experience from a dildo?

How was your first time?
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you! This actually made me feel better.. you’re right it’s more about how we are for each other rather than how experienced we may or may not be.. I’m just scared to tell him! He has previously said he couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t know what they want sexually and I just don’t want to disappoint. Also i may have accidentally told him that I have had sex before… so I don’t want to come across as a liar.. I just panicked and didn’t want him to think I was strange!

You don't want to come across as a liar, but you have lied, so that ship has sailed really. At the same time, it is a really understandable lie. I'd certainly understand it in his position. Also, knowing what you want sexually and being sexually experienced are not the same thing. It's really encouraging that it's important to him that you know what you want sexually. A lot of woman and men, often through not fault of their own, are not really in tune with their own pleasure. Many men just absorb what they see when they watch porn, which really distorts the way they experience pleasure, whereas many women are passive and don't prioritise their own pleasure at all. The fact that he wants you to know what you want is a good thing, and there's every chance that he'd be positively excited about the prospect of helping you to figure that out.
Original post by Crazy Jamie
You don't want to come across as a liar, but you have lied, so that ship has sailed really. At the same time, it is a really understandable lie. I'd certainly understand it in his position. Also, knowing what you want sexually and being sexually experienced are not the same thing. It's really encouraging that it's important to him that you know what you want sexually. A lot of woman and men, often through not fault of their own, are not really in tune with their own pleasure. Many men just absorb what they see when they watch porn, which really distorts the way they experience pleasure, whereas many women are passive and don't prioritise their own pleasure at all. The fact that he wants you to know what you want is a good thing, and there's every chance that he'd be positively excited about the prospect of helping you to figure that out.

I know Crazy Jamie ☹️ he was telling me all about his experiences and I just felt self conscious as I didn’t have anything to say.. it has been my own decision as I wanted to wait to have sex after marriage but I’ve changed my mind now. But it is strange 29 and still a virgin? Thanks for talking, honestly I have no one to discuss this with and I’ve felt quite alone on this topic. Thank you x
Original post by Anonymous
Ok so even if I have many sexual partners, my vagina will not change regarding tightness etc?

Nope. As I say, it's one of the many myths that impact on this idea of girls and women being somehow virtuous or worth more if they have no or few sexual partners. This notion that you can be 'loose' if you've had a lot of sex and are 'tight' if you don't, with 'tightness' being desirable, is all just nonsense. Your vagina returns to its pre sex state very quickly after sex, and having a lot of sex doesn't change that at all.

Why are dildos pointless? And how different is the real experience from a dildo?

I only meant they're pointless to the extent that you're trying to use them to make yourself less 'tight', because they can't do that. As something to help your masturbate, they're great. I'm not really the person to ask about how different a dildo is from the real thing because I'm a man, but I imagine the fact that the penis is attached to a man who is in control of how it moves is a pretty big difference. Hence why communication is important.

How was your first time?


My first time was with a girl who was not a virgin, and I only told her afterwards that I was. I remember being absolutely terrified. It was fine. I had an orgasm and assumed she did, but with the benefit of hindsight she almost certainly didn't. Suffice to say I've had much better sex since, and I've had sex since that was undoubtedly much better for the woman I was having sex with.

It is also worth saying that sex doesn't just improve steadily each time you do it. You will try things you like, and try things you don't like. Sometimes it will be mindblowingly good. Sometimes, even the next time with the same person, it will be bad. Sometimes you'll just not be as horny as other times, or not as in the mood. Sometimes everything will click effortlessly, and other times it'll feel like nothing is working. Most of the time it'll just be good. And that applies to everyone. I've been with my wife for twenty years and had sex countless times, and we have good and bad sex too. We had sex the other night and she just said very matter of factly afterwards "yeah, we can do better than that". And she was right, we can. And hopefully next time, we will. But that's just the way it is in relationships. Which hopefully should take a bit of pressure off for you in this situation. Your first time is obviously important, but it'll hopefully be the start of a very long journey. Much like taking your GCSEs, a few years down the line you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.
Original post by Anonymous
I know Crazy Jamie ☹️ he was telling me all about his experiences and I just felt self conscious as I didn’t have anything to say.. it has been my own decision as I wanted to wait to have sex after marriage but I’ve changed my mind now. But it is strange 29 and still a virgin? Thanks for talking, honestly I have no one to discuss this with and I’ve felt quite alone on this topic. Thank you x

I can well imagine why that would make you feel self conscious. The irony is that he was probably trying to impress you, and has ended up intimidating you because he doesn't know you're a virgin. Being 29 and a virgin isn't common outside of the same religious circles that you used to be in. Certainly if I was having sex with a 29 year old for the first time I would assume they were not a virgin. But some people are virgins at your age, and that's fine. The advantage is that a lot of the pleasure from sex does come from emotional maturity. You don't have the experience of sex that others have, but you do have experience of life, communicating with people, and are more emotional mature. That really does count for a lot. As I say, being a virgin wouldn't matter to me anyway and I doubt it will matter to your boyfriend, but even in a vacuum that emotional maturity would matter more to me than experience. Just one of the many reasons why I don't think you have anything to worry about here when it comes to telling your boyfriend.

I'm very happy to help. Getting advice on this sort of thing on the internet is difficult because, frankly, you never know what you're going to be told. Glad to at least have been able to make you feel a little better about this.
Original post by Anonymous
Hello,
I am a 29 y/o female who has not yet had sex. I’ve been in multiple relationships but I’ve just believed in sex after marriage. I also had a physically abusive childhood (nothing sexual) where I grew up not really liking anyone touching me.. I’ve been intimate in previous relationships but I’ve just not had penetrative sex. My current boyfriend is unaware that I am a virgin and he is very very experienced… any advice anyone can offer? I am quite nervous!! I don’t want him to figure out that I’m a virgin but also want to impress him..
Does anyone know if the first time having sex will be painful?
Appreciate any advice as we will have sex tomorrow… eek
Thank you.

Hello,

Please can i know where you come from? I can say yours will be panful cos the time you wanna have the sex now will be though with your age. i knew guys do love this from ladies cos they believe and trust the person have a good past.
Original post by Anonymous
Hello,
I am a 29 y/o female who has not yet had sex. I’ve been in multiple relationships but I’ve just believed in sex after marriage. I also had a physically abusive childhood (nothing sexual) where I grew up not really liking anyone touching me.. I’ve been intimate in previous relationships but I’ve just not had penetrative sex. My current boyfriend is unaware that I am a virgin and he is very very experienced… any advice anyone can offer? I am quite nervous!! I don’t want him to figure out that I’m a virgin but also want to impress him..
Does anyone know if the first time having sex will be painful?
Appreciate any advice as we will have sex tomorrow… eek
Thank you.

As a lady i give you kudos for this.
one word condom
Hi came across this by accident, but here we are, sex is not a big deal as we seem to make out. Its unfortunate that you have lied tbh, im assuming he knows or things you are inexperienced which is fine (most mens claims of experience is err.. not great). Sex should be fun and in a trusting environment, but just honestly relax its not a big deal you are a virgin and isnt something that will greatly affect it, i find in most sexual encounters that familiarity is what makes for "good sex" outside the base movements. Most important things really are being ready for this and using protection, i see you already believe certain myths about "tightness" ((vaginal elasticity is unaffected by sex, hence some SW's are not looser than non sw's). But use protection incase you believe those myths also. main thing is team work and its ok to say "i dont like that" or do this more etc. or ask what someone wants...
I agree with your decision to lose your virginity. It's a wise and sensible decision you've made.

Putting myself in your boyfriend's shoes: I'd know you're a virgin. I'd fully understand any lies that you said about this, as they made sense from your point of view at the time.
For the grand evening, I'd be looking to put aside the whole evening. Somewhere quiet, private and comfortable. And to be in no hurry. I'd look to give you more than 1 orgasm before my penis came anywhere near you. Although that might get modified down to 1 depending on you.
It's possible that as things warmed up it would become apparent that the 2 of us weren't sexually compatible, in which case - depending - that may well result in an abrupt end to proceedings. Which is fine - as the sex should never be seen as foregone conclusion.

My overall attitude would be that your needs, desires, feelings would be placed as more important than my own.

For the pain or discomfort it would be a case of going ahead, only if at the time you were 10,000% sure that it was worth it and it's what you wanted.

From your point of view, go ahead and enjoy this wonderful, magical, memorable evening. You should feel comfortable discussing any subject with your boyfriend. And you should dictate the pace and the nature of proceedings. Don't be a passive sack of potatoes. And don't feel inferior to him because it's your first time.
If I were in your shoes I'd make a secret audio or video recording. As protection against the 1 in 100 chance that you get sexually assaulted or raped. And I'd delete the recording without playing it back when things went well.
And I'd make sure the contraception was water-tight.
Hello all, many thanks for all your help!! Just an update -

After a disastrous night of me recoiling each time my boyfriend tried to put his finger in me, he thought I was not attracted to him at all. This morning I told him the truth that I was a virgin and he took it so well!!! I’m so glad I told him, thanks all for your advice. We’re going to try again tonight but this time it’ll be gentle 🙂 Wish me luck!

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