Muslim Marriage (but without my family involved)

Hello,

So to preface my post, I'm muslim & I am completely aware that I am not ready to get married yet.

But I am aware that when the time does come, I would not want my parents to be involved as they are quite toxic, abusive, and unfortunately, wish to impart their cultural norms unto me - which consists of marrying someone that the family wants, marrying someone restricted to just my culture, or worse yet, marrying someone partially related in some way to me. These are all things that have been made aware to me already and pushed on too much for my liking.

To be clear, I do not want the above, and this will not change.

I would describe myself as conservative in nature - and as such, I would want to have a pretty private wedding - ideally with few family members. While it is a special moment, I don't see the reason in a large song and dance about it; or the reason in paying of meals for 'extended family' who many don't like just to try impress them, having a large ceremony, and making a huge deal of it etc.

But back to my main point. I worry, when the time does come and I meet a partner who I do actually want to be married to, that I will not know how to navigate how the whole marriage process works. As in, I'm aware that muslim marriage tends to have a stage of 'speaking to the families' or them discussing this with each other / meeting prior to a marriage - but I'm not sure then, how would this work if I do not wish to bring mine into this (for all the above reasons).

It is likely that once I finish my degree and get a job I will have to go solo and cut off all contact with them for such a reason. I wouldn't know how to explain this to someone I would seek to marry, without coming off negatively on me or as long-winded. I'm also not sure of the future implications of this. I am more than happy to integrate into the in-laws' families but as they will never meet mine - I don't know why - but I cant shrug the feeling that will be judged as badly on me.

Anyway, I guess my question is for Muslims who got married and...
- didn't involve one of the 2 families
- or perhaps are in the same situation as me of having a family they don't wish to force the people they marry / stick within our culture
- or may have held a very private muslim marriage

Well, how does it all work? How would I go about finding someone when I am ready (i hear of apps yes but are they really any good?), and how should I go about my current situation when the time comes?

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

Original post

by sato293

So I'm a young muslim man who hasn't married yet but I'm going to give you the answer based purely upon the shariah.
Your plan to cut off your family is a major sin in islam, and Allah says this in the quran in many places,
“… And be mindful of Allah—in Whose Name you appeal to one another—and ˹honour˺ family ties.…” [al-nisa’ 4:1]
and
“And those who violate Allah’s covenant after it has been affirmed, break whatever ˹ties˺ Allah has ordered to be maintained, and spread corruption in the land—it is they who will be condemned and will have the worst abode (i.e Hell)” [al-ra’d 13:25]
If your relationship with your family isn't at its best, you don't have to be best friends but at least some level of mutual connection, that is a test in itself for you even if its not the best experience.
And its unclear if you are woman, but a marriage cannot be valid for a woman without her wali no matter what, which for a woman is her dad, if she has none then her father's dad and etc, but if you believe they will unjustly make a decision without valid reasons, then you can take it up with an Islamic court who can be your wali instead. Especially if they're forcing their cultures and marriage expectations upon you, my family is quite cultural too but as a man I've made it clear that I'm not doing any of that which they respect, it was a bit hard to do but with patience and respect they kind of understood.
I respect that you want a small marriage with no music of any sorts, I feel the exact same and cannot understand how on one of the most important days of their life people would throw away their religious beliefs. I also don't plan to invite the ENTIRE family, just my close ones, if people have a problem with it, especially for reputation reasons, oh well.
And remember your family can never ever force u to marry someone.

Salam, Apologies for not clearing earlier but I am a muslim man.

I appreciate you informing me but I am aware that it is not ideal to do this, even though it is very difficult otherwise. Remember, it is also a 2 way thing of respect for it to work. Every day it is consistent judgement for my actions in day-to-day life, as mentioned, formerly very abusive, generally remaining toxic. They are not willing to respect my opinions despite my own research into things that I am aware I know better than they do. In the event we are just in general conversation to exchange our views on a topic, I am not really even seen as equal.

Such is the case with the conversation of marriage (when I am not ready and has been made clear) is being pushed onto me isn't ideal either. I don't want to restrict who I would like to spend my life with to someone who just shares a country or a heritage just because of what a society expects. I have already been told I have women I could marry in such country, but again, I don't even know them - I don't know who they are. They may be pious, but who is to say they will like me and I will even like them?

By now I have given up with this aspect of the family though. It is more understanding how to go forward with this in mind. I think by this point it is not really something I am looking to continue to bring into my spouse's life either and something I, as unfortunate as it is, am not looking past at this moment in time. There is a lot of drama which follows... again, I don't understand this and never will.

Have you had any experience with any of these apps by any chance? Unfortunately I hear bad stories about other men on Muzmatch, but I am aware they have the opportunity to speak via a chaperone which is ideal. And, in terms of permissible marriage, has it ever crossed your mind of an app or something dedicated to inter-Abrahamic-faith marriages too? Might be useful to try find when I am ready.