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Does this sound okay, please someone reply quick, I need to make a decision ASAP

This guy I was seeing and I ended things last week (we weren't formally dating, but it was exclusive and honest).
He has a really competitive exam (NEET) that is going to take 90% of his time and he said that he's not ready to commit while he has this life defining obstacle coming up.

We broke up coz it's not fair to me to be in a relationship that is undefined, yet still be giving it my all. Especially if he's going to be AWOL for days on end studying for mock exams, not getting to meet often because of the demanding schedule, etc. It'll be like I'm in a relationship with someone that barely exists.

All my friends are saying that it's a good thing we broke up (I agree), that I deserve better and that we should cut contact.

We spoke today and he's asking if we could still be friends until his exams are out of the way, and if he gets a college seat and doesn't need to take a drop year to rewrite the exam, then we can define the relationship and be as committed as we should've been.
I want to be by his side through all this, I have so much fun talking to him and I enjoy his company more than he even realises. We've put so much into our relationship, it doesn't feel right to cut contact
But it also doesn't feel right for me to maintain a friendship with him after everything; holding out hope for something that might not happen.

Please someone tell me that it's normal for 18 year olds to have such fluctuating relationships when they're trying to build their lives, and it's okay for us to take a step back to work through this. Tell me if it sounds unfair for me to do this, because I'm in such a dilemma

All my friends say no, but idk

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Reply 1
Kinda urgent! He wants to meet to talk this through tomorrow!
Original post by Anonymous
This guy I was seeing and I ended things last week (we weren't formally dating, but it was exclusive and honest).
He has a really competitive exam (NEET) that is going to take 90% of his time and he said that he's not ready to commit while he has this life defining obstacle coming up.
We broke up coz it's not fair to me to be in a relationship that is undefined, yet still be giving it my all. Especially if he's going to be AWOL for days on end studying for mock exams, not getting to meet often because of the demanding schedule, etc. It'll be like I'm in a relationship with someone that barely exists.
All my friends are saying that it's a good thing we broke up (I agree), that I deserve better and that we should cut contact.
We spoke today and he's asking if we could still be friends until his exams are out of the way, and if he gets a college seat and doesn't need to take a drop year to rewrite the exam, then we can define the relationship and be as committed as we should've been.
I want to be by his side through all this, I have so much fun talking to him and I enjoy his company more than he even realises. We've put so much into our relationship, it doesn't feel right to cut contact
But it also doesn't feel right for me to maintain a friendship with him after everything; holding out hope for something that might not happen.
Please someone tell me that it's normal for 18 year olds to have such fluctuating relationships when they're trying to build their lives, and it's okay for us to take a step back to work through this. Tell me if it sounds unfair for me to do this, because I'm in such a dilemma
All my friends say no, but idk

i'd say it sounds like you really like this guy and i don't think school/exams should get in the way of love. ask yourself whether you'd be able to handle "Just being friends" for a guy you clearly feel more for. I can't tell whether he genuinely wants to remain friends and naturally see if romance is in the picture, if so this might be a waste of time for you if you;re just waiting for him to wanna be friends with you after he gets into college. it is up to you. are you willing to be "Just friends" and see what happens or are you looking to be in a committed relationship. sometimes cutting contact is the best idea but in this situation, just a friendship could be nice, if you can handle it!
my family is from india , and neet is not a SAT's or GCSE's or A levels - its WAY WAY beyond that , very less chance of getting in , if he didn't want you , he would say NO , but he said after exams...
Reply 4
If he’s genuinely not rejecting or friendzoning you, then I think it’s ok to keep the door open
so youre leaving him at 1 of the most stressful times of his life
Reply 6
We were together the whole time he was preparing for the first attempt, but with everything that happened at the exam this year, he has to take a drop

He would barely text, we wouldn't meet, I would be left on delivered for over 15 hours, I would take all the initiative to make contact. The entire relationship was on his terms to make it easier for him to keep up with exam prep.

I know that he deserves to have me stand by him through this, but I deserve to hold a place in his life that recognises the commitment that I have to him. He refuses to give our relationship a label (dating, gf/bf), and he says that he can't commit to me yet. I'm not demanding to be his first priority, I do not want to be his first priority. I want him to prioritise NEET and his family before me. Defining the relationship will only solidify our relationship and give it some security.
Reply 7
Original post by pioneering-hosti
so youre leaving him at 1 of the most stressful times of his life

It was his idea. I fought for him, for us, over and over again. We spent hours talking this through, I gave him so many options to try and make this work, he turned them all down saying that he can't guarantee that he can put in the effort to sustain the relationship, and that I shouldn't go so low to accept less than bare minimum to accommodate his lifestyle
Original post by Anonymous
It was his idea. I fought for him, for us, over and over again. We spent hours talking this through, I gave him so many options to try and make this work, he turned them all down saying that he can't guarantee that he can put in the effort to sustain the relationship, and that I shouldn't go so low to accept less than bare minimum to accommodate his lifestyle

yea no fair enough honestly girl like don't get ur hopes up too high ab it dont shut down any other potential options but don't get rid of him yet yk? cuz it ym acc like each other maybe its js right person wrong time
I don't think that you should do anything. Stick with him - just imagine how it would affect him if you left him while he was trying to focus on the NEET.
Original post by Doomotron
I don't think that you should do anything. Stick with him - just imagine how it would affect him if you left him while he was trying to focus on the NEET.

But how would it affect me to be in a relationship with someone that is emotionally unavailable and physically absent in my life

It's already been a year this way, another year isn't fair to me

He is completely fine with us taking a break/breaking up. His preparation for his second attempt doesn't start for another 20 days, it's already been a week since we broke up (which was just 2 weeks after his first attempt) and he already is doing just fine after the decision was made. I literally did this at this time just so that it doesn't interfere with his work later
Original post by Anonymous
But how would it affect me to be in a relationship with someone that is emotionally unavailable and physically absent in my life
It's already been a year this way, another year isn't fair to me
He is completely fine with us taking a break/breaking up. His preparation for his second attempt doesn't start for another 20 days, it's already been a week since we broke up (which was just 2 weeks after his first attempt) and he already is doing just fine after the decision was made. I literally did this at this time just so that it doesn't interfere with his work later


As a compromise you could try to meet every once in a while during the time he's preparing. But it's a major event in his life, and I think that you need to support him at this time, even if it doesn't feel good right now.
Original post by pioneering-hosti
yea no fair enough honestly girl like don't get ur hopes up too high ab it dont shut down any other potential options but don't get rid of him yet yk? cuz it ym acc like each other maybe its js right person wrong time

That's what I was thinking
I may not be with anyone else during this one year, but I don't want to be tied to someone that barely exists for all intents and purposes.
All my friends are saying to cut contact because it's like he'll always have contact and access to me when he needs a friend, but I won't have him when I need one. Like, he would have me but I wouldn't have him.

But I don't want to lose him completely, after all that we've been through, it might just be bad timing
Original post by Anonymous
That's what I was thinking
I may not be with anyone else during this one year, but I don't want to be tied to someone that barely exists for all intents and purposes.
All my friends are saying to cut contact because it's like he'll always have contact and access to me when he needs a friend, but I won't have him when I need one. Like, he would have me but I wouldn't have him.
But I don't want to lose him completely, after all that we've been through, it might just be bad timing

its for a whole year??
Original post by Doomotron
As a compromise you could try to meet every once in a while during the time he's preparing. But it's a major event in his life, and I think that you need to support him at this time, even if it doesn't feel good right now.

That's what I want
I just need some third person that isn't someone that has seen our relationship (like a friend) to tell me that it doesn't seem toxic or desperate...
Original post by pioneering-hosti
its for a whole year??

The exam happens every may... So...
Original post by Anonymous
The exam happens every may... So...

jesus so he wants to break up with you til next may? i thought the exam was like soon or something but in that case i take back what i said before maybe be there for him as a friend, try not to put too much effort into him and try and just keep it casual and make the relationship like a small part of your life and focus on other things that make you happy, and if its meant to be it'll work out for you x dont cut contact with him yet though if he makes you happy and you actually think he's a decent guy because it might be worth it some day, just dont put your all into a guy whos not there for you yh?
I don't know what to do!
He's studying to write NEET, that's for medicine here in India. 2,500,000 other students attempted this exam and only like the top 1000 get good seats in good colleges.
The exam happens only every year.
I want him to do well, and I don't want to stand in the way of that. I understand that this has to be his priority and they he has to put all his focus on it.
But I don't know that after this one year, he'll be more emotionally available than he is now. I don't know that I'll be waiting for nothing. He used to be what would ideally work for our relationship, but his work took him away from us. I know he has it in him, but I'm worried that I'll just wait for him and nothing will change.
Original post by pioneering-hosti
jesus so he wants to break up with you til next may? i thought the exam was like soon or something but in that case i take back what i said before maybe be there for him as a friend, try not to put too much effort into him and try and just keep it casual and make the relationship like a small part of your life and focus on other things that make you happy, and if its meant to be it'll work out for you x dont cut contact with him yet though if he makes you happy and you actually think he's a decent guy because it might be worth it some day, just dont put your all into a guy whos not there for you yh?

Literally everything about him was so right
Except for the part that he can't commit to me. But that's literally the biggest most important part about being in a relationship
I'm okay to be friends with him, I would be happy to, I'll take a step back and let him do his thing.
It's just that talking to my friends, they're saying that I shouldn't ever take him back because he lead me on. And that if we go back to being friends, the amount of effort he was putting would be just enough to sustain a friendship, and that nothing would change for him but it would only change for me
Original post by Anonymous
Literally everything about him was so right
Except for the part that he can't commit to me. But that's literally the biggest most important part about being in a relationship
I'm okay to be friends with him, I would be happy to, I'll take a step back and let him do his thing.
It's just that talking to my friends, they're saying that I shouldn't ever take him back because he lead me on. And that if we go back to being friends, the amount of effort he was putting would be just enough to sustain a friendship, and that nothing would change for him but it would only change for me

yhhh i understand wdym cant commit to you is it bc of his exams or bc of other girls?

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