High expectations from my mum for GCSEs

My mum is OBSESSED with grammar schools,I failed the 11+ and she made me do these extra exams to try to get in later, and every time I would get really close (2nd in line for a place) but I would never get it. In recent years I accepted that honestly I’m just a bit too dumb to make it, I used to cry a lot over it but now I just have come to think that maybe it wasn’t for me. My mum on the other hand still wants me to get in, I don’t know if it’s for me, or if it’s to brag to her friends, I really don’t know. She made me apply to 5 grammar sixth forms. I think she really believes I have a chance, which is sweet, until it’s not when she gets angry when I try to give her a reality check. I don’t want her to be disappointed, so I’m trying to lessen it by saying now before I have my results, that I genuinely don’t think I will get in, and that we shouldn’t convince ourselves that my grades are going to be amazing because I know they won’t. Every time I try to explain this she gets angry and irritated, she’ll be annoyed with me all day. Even when I was applying I would tell her I really don’t think I have the required grades, and she would literally up and leave and make me fill in the application on my own. I don’t even know if I want to go, I don’t even think I can go because the requirements are so high for external students. How do I lessen these high expectations she has? I legit think I don’t stand a chance and she won’t listen when I try to explain it, and I just know on results day she will be so disappointed and probably put on a fake ‘wow congrats’ at school when I get the paper, and then when I go home she’ll ignore me or pretend to be happy for me when I can tell she isn’t :frown:

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

Original post by Anonymous

My mum is OBSESSED with grammar schools,I failed the 11+ and she made me do these extra exams to try to get in later, and every time I would get really close (2nd in line for a place) but I would never get it. In recent years I accepted that honestly I’m just a bit too dumb to make it, I used to cry a lot over it but now I just have come to think that maybe it wasn’t for me. My mum on the other hand still wants me to get in, I don’t know if it’s for me, or if it’s to brag to her friends, I really don’t know. She made me apply to 5 grammar sixth forms. I think she really believes I have a chance, which is sweet, until it’s not when she gets angry when I try to give her a reality check. I don’t want her to be disappointed, so I’m trying to lessen it by saying now before I have my results, that I genuinely don’t think I will get in, and that we shouldn’t convince ourselves that my grades are going to be amazing because I know they won’t. Every time I try to explain this she gets angry and irritated, she’ll be annoyed with me all day. Even when I was applying I would tell her I really don’t think I have the required grades, and she would literally up and leave and make me fill in the application on my own. I don’t even know if I want to go, I don’t even think I can go because the requirements are so high for external students. How do I lessen these high expectations she has? I legit think I don’t stand a chance and she won’t listen when I try to explain it, and I just know on results day she will be so disappointed and probably put on a fake ‘wow congrats’ at school when I get the paper, and then when I go home she’ll ignore me or pretend to be happy for me when I can tell she isn’t :frown:

Hi
You sound very intelligent, intelligent enough to recognise that this is your mum's problem and not yours!
Parents are always want the best for their children and this can sometimes get in the way of recognising.... what is best for their children! As long as you are happy with what you achieve , that is what is important. Your self belief is so important. Your Mum will come to terms with it, as long as you are happy.

Reply 2

Anonymous #3

Ok, not to be yet another self-proclaimed TSR therapist, but this doesn't seem to be a very healthy way of approaching education from your mother. Whatever happens she should be backing you as long as you have given it your full effort.

That being said I can understand to an extent where she is coming from. Grammar schools do have a very good reputation for a reason, and it is something that is a good goal to have. Now I can't tell if she's pressuring you because she feels she has the parental duty to give you the best start in life, or because she wants to impress her friends as you mentioned, but either way from what you have said it doesn't appear as if her reactions are appropriate at all. It's a really tough situation and I can empathise as to what it feels like to disappoint your parents in terms of academics sometimes. Equally, I don't know her situation and how she grew up, and what her ambitions are for you, but the bottom line is that the way that the situation currently is is quite unhealthy. Feeling disappointed is a natural response to failing at something you wanted, but the fact that you are crying over something you aren't even sure you want is, in my opinion, indicative of her trying to fulfil her own ambitions through you. Again, not 100% necessarily a bad thing, but it all depends how it is done, and from your description it doesn't seem like she's going about it properly

I'm not so sure it's possible, much less a good idea, to try and lessen her expectations. Rather than doing that, I would suggest you change your approach and tell her you are gave it your best shot, and for better or worse whatever your results are is what they are. I don't suppose you constantly trying to convince her that you won't make it is doing much to help the situation, true as it may be (I mean it may not be true - remain positive). Rather, focus on the fact that you put in as much effort as you could and be prepared for your next steps, be it grammar or public.

Good luck however results day goes.

High expectations from my mum for GCSEs

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