The Student Room Group

Grade 9 creative writing

Write a story about two people from very different backgrounds.
Tick-tock. I glared at my arm, at the cold metal frame which twisted around my wrist, like a slithering snake it coiled its way, sending a shiver down my spine. I grazed my fingers upon its scaling surface, forgetting the shattered glass of which it maliciously offered. Mercilessly, a prickle of blood pierced through my pale skin and slithered onto my new white frock, leaving a permanent trail on the diamond-like pearls. Within seconds, my voice hoarsely crackled a loud scream that sounded like a broken melody, of a broken cricket, in a broken street.

Orbs of moonlight reflected off my tears which swam in deep green pools. I instantly rubbed my palm against my face, conscious of the makeup that took me several hours to perfect. I combed my beautiful blond curls as they bounced across my shoulders in the faint breeze.
Seconds. Minutes. Hours. It felt like days! It was then, at that moment, that he showed up, although It took me some time to grasp his existence. His golden hair so perfectly gelled, and his eyes, oh God! How I wish I could be trapped in those bright blue dazzling stars, and cling to them tight for eternity. Yet my gaze lingered elsewhere, at the suit that clenched his tight skin; it glistened in the darkness like a million polished jewels, spattered across a crisp, clear floor.

He confidently and poshly stepped across the cobbled path, and with each step he took, my heart jumped another. A hand was raised above my face, which I completely ignored and instead jumped onto him, and attacked his body in a warm hug. He jumped back, yet I took this as a token of his desire to begin with the date. A whisper oozed from his lustrous lips , ‘Sorry I made you wait’; at once, a red pigment encapsulated my face, forcing me to blush. However, this moment was instantly disturbed as a deep voice followed ‘I only aimed to look presentable, which I assume you didn’t’.

At this moment, in this short period of time, yet in this crucially brutal period of my cruel life, I felt a new emotion. An emotion that I wished I’d never felt. Embarrassment. At this moment, my new white frock seemed as if I wore rags, and my makeup felt as if I had torn my skin apart.

Unexpectedly, my shattered legs ran, as they strode upon the cold bare floor. Yet to my horror a plea to return did not follow. All that was left in the deep damp mist was silence.

Absolute silence…
Original post by rani12
Write a story about two people from very different backgrounds.
Tick-tock. I glared at my arm, at the cold metal frame which twisted around my wrist, like a slithering snake it coiled its way, sending a shiver down my spine. I grazed my fingers upon its scaling surface, forgetting the shattered glass of which it maliciously offered. Mercilessly, a prickle of blood pierced through my pale skin and slithered onto my new white frock, leaving a permanent trail on the diamond-like pearls. Within seconds, my voice hoarsely crackled a loud scream that sounded like a broken melody, of a broken cricket, in a broken street.
Orbs of moonlight reflected off my tears which swam in deep green pools. I instantly rubbed my palm against my face, conscious of the makeup that took me several hours to perfect. I combed my beautiful blond curls as they bounced across my shoulders in the faint breeze.
Seconds. Minutes. Hours. It felt like days! It was then, at that moment, that he showed up, although It took me some time to grasp his existence. His golden hair so perfectly gelled, and his eyes, oh God! How I wish I could be trapped in those bright blue dazzling stars, and cling to them tight for eternity. Yet my gaze lingered elsewhere, at the suit that clenched his tight skin; it glistened in the darkness like a million polished jewels, spattered across a crisp, clear floor.
He confidently and poshly stepped across the cobbled path, and with each step he took, my heart jumped another. A hand was raised above my face, which I completely ignored and instead jumped onto him, and attacked his body in a warm hug. He jumped back, yet I took this as a token of his desire to begin with the date. A whisper oozed from his lustrous lips , ‘Sorry I made you wait’; at once, a red pigment encapsulated my face, forcing me to blush. However, this moment was instantly disturbed as a deep voice followed ‘I only aimed to look presentable, which I assume you didn’t’.
At this moment, in this short period of time, yet in this crucially brutal period of my cruel life, I felt a new emotion. An emotion that I wished I’d never felt. Embarrassment. At this moment, my new white frock seemed as if I wore rags, and my makeup felt as if I had torn my skin apart.
Unexpectedly, my shattered legs ran, as they strode upon the cold bare floor. Yet to my horror a plea to return did not follow. All that was left in the deep damp mist was silence.
Absolute silence…

Very good :smile:
Reply 2
Original post by Hannahblossom
Very good :smile:

Thank you!
Do you have an approximate grade of what this writing would be?
Original post by rani12
Thank you!
Do you have an approximate grade of what this writing would be?

I would say that an examiner could give you anywhere between 33 and 36 marks. Personally I think it's 35/40. Just about a Grade 9. There are a few areas where it gets a bit less compelling for readers. "Poshly" stepping doesn't really make sense so I would change this. Also you are not using varied sentence lengths. Break them up a bit. Add one word or two word sentences. Also I think you are putting a few too many similes/metaphors. And try to include descriptions of all 5 senses. I know this is very very picky, I think your story has great potential to be a 38/40 story. It's just being let down by excessive use of long sentences and similes. Try to use different kinds of punctuation ; : - for example. I would download the AQA mark scheme and have a look. 🙂 Hope this helps and assuming you are in year 10, you are doing incredibly well and have heaps of time to make those changes :smile:
Original post by rani12
Thank you!
Do you have an approximate grade of what this writing would be?
It is very good writing though and the marks you lost were more in the technical area :smile:
Reply 5
Original post by Hannahblossom
It is very good writing though and the marks you lost were more in the technical area :smile:

Thank you so much for the feedback, yes I'm in Y10, but was practicing as I have mocks on Monday next week and week after.
Reply 6
Original post by Hannahblossom
I would say that an examiner could give you anywhere between 33 and 36 marks. Personally I think it's 35/40. Just about a Grade 9. There are a few areas where it gets a bit less compelling for readers. "Poshly" stepping doesn't really make sense so I would change this. Also you are not using varied sentence lengths. Break them up a bit. Add one word or two word sentences. Also I think you are putting a few too many similes/metaphors. And try to include descriptions of all 5 senses. I know this is very very picky, I think your story has great potential to be a 38/40 story. It's just being let down by excessive use of long sentences and similes. Try to use different kinds of punctuation ; : - for example. I would download the AQA mark scheme and have a look. 🙂 Hope this helps and assuming you are in year 10, you are doing incredibly well and have heaps of time to make those changes :smile:

Also u know how u said to vary sentence length, would this not be it 'Tick-tock.' and 'Seconds. Minutes. Hours. It felt like days!'
Reply 7
Original post by rani12
Also u know how u said to vary sentence length, would this not be it 'Tick-tock.' and 'Seconds. Minutes. Hours. It felt like days!'

And 'Absolute silence…' at the end
Original post by rani12
And 'Absolute silence…' at the end
Yes, I am sorry, I read this yesterday and then skimmed it again today 🤦 and forgot about them. I would give you 36/40 then but I really think the similes need to be toned down a little bit. The sentence "I glared at my arm" can be broken into two. Use a semicolon then put the "Like a slithering snake" sentence. It's a good job though and it was an enjoyable read 👍:smile:
Reply 9
Original post by Hannahblossom
I would say that an examiner could give you anywhere between 33 and 36 marks. Personally I think it's 35/40. Just about a Grade 9. There are a few areas where it gets a bit less compelling for readers. "Poshly" stepping doesn't really make sense so I would change this. Also you are not using varied sentence lengths. Break them up a bit. Add one word or two word sentences. Also I think you are putting a few too many similes/metaphors. And try to include descriptions of all 5 senses. I know this is very very picky, I think your story has great potential to be a 38/40 story. It's just being let down by excessive use of long sentences and similes. Try to use different kinds of punctuation ; : - for example. I would download the AQA mark scheme and have a look. 🙂 Hope this helps and assuming you are in year 10, you are doing incredibly well and have heaps of time to make those changes :smile:
THX for the feedback I redid it on paper, and it turned out a lot better- the only thing I need to practice is timing
Original post by rani12
THX for the feedback I redid it on paper, and it turned out a lot better- the only thing I need to practice is timing

Yes, timing is very important!!!
Reply 11
Original post by Hannahblossom
Yes, I am sorry, I read this yesterday and then skimmed it again today 🤦 and forgot about them. I would give you 36/40 then but I really think the similes need to be toned down a little bit. The sentence "I glared at my arm" can be broken into two. Use a semicolon then put the "Like a slithering snake" sentence. It's a good job though and it was an enjoyable read 👍:smile:

TYSM

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