I'm a 23 year old Gay Pakistani guy, but will my family be accepting?

Hi my name is Javed, I'm a 23 year old Gay Pakistani guy from Small Heath in Birmingham, I'm comfortable knowing I'm attracted to only guys, but will my family be accepting?

I feel like I can truly find peace and get the pressure off my chest if I come out to my family.....but they are Pakistani and Muslim and these two communities are the most hostile towards LGBTQ+ and I've hid my secret from them for 23 years and I'm worried they will be heartbroken and disown me , should I come out to them or not?

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

Original post by LukeMartin001

Hi my name is Javed, I'm a 23 year old Gay Pakistani guy from Small Heath in Birmingham, I'm comfortable knowing I'm attracted to only guys, but will my family be accepting?
I feel like I can truly find peace and get the pressure off my chest if I come out to my family.....but they are Pakistani and Muslim and these two communities are the most hostile towards LGBTQ+ and I've hid my secret from them for 23 years and I'm worried they will be heartbroken and disown me , should I come out to them or not?

Hi, I'm Pakistani too, and I'm sorry that you're stuck in that situation. My cousin was in a similar situation as a lesbian, and here's how she managed it. I won't tell you to reconnect with God because I know it's a genuine problem. If you want to, I would suggest telling a sibling rather than your parents. Siblings might relate more to your situation, as they were born and raised in this country and could be more understanding.
Pakistani and Muslim parents are often strictly brought up to discriminate against LGBTQ people, so it can be hard for them to accept it. However, your siblings or cousins might be more understanding as they've grown up in schools where acceptance of LGBTQ people is more common. If you've already told your siblings or cousins and feel guilty about not telling your parents, try telling them one at a time. Start with the one you think would be more accepting and then tell the other. This way, you still have someone to back you up.
Also, have supportive people around you when you come out to your parents, so they are less likely to react cruelly. However, I understand if you prefer to keep it a secret, as you've been doing for years. Unfortunately, it's hard to imagine many Pakistani and Muslim parents accepting the idea of LGBTQ because they’ve been taught from a young age that it’s bad and a sin. It's ingrained in their culture, and coming out might not only affect your relationship with them but also their entire cultural background.
You can always distance yourself from them and move away, perhaps to another country, under the pretext of a job offer or something similar. This way, you can live freely as a gay Pakistani man without feeling guilty or oppressed. If you're looking for a partner now and considering marriage, it can be quite difficult.
My cousin found a unique solution: she married a gay man, and they pretended to be in a relationship to please their parents. They then moved to Australia, split up, and dated their preferred partners, eventually remarrying. When family members visit, they pretend to be a couple again. I know it's wild, but it worked for them, and only a few of us cousins know about it. So that's an option too.
Jokes aside, you don't need to come out to your parents to feel free as a gay Pakistani. As long as you're happy and free with who you are, that's what matters most. I hope this helps.

Reply 2

Anonymous #2

Original post by LukeMartin001

Hi my name is Javed, I'm a 23 year old Gay Pakistani guy from Small Heath in Birmingham, I'm comfortable knowing I'm attracted to only guys, but will my family be accepting?
I feel like I can truly find peace and get the pressure off my chest if I come out to my family.....but they are Pakistani and Muslim and these two communities are the most hostile towards LGBTQ+ and I've hid my secret from them for 23 years and I'm worried they will be heartbroken and disown me , should I come out to them or not?

Hiding who you are can just make you feel worse as you feel like you're being fake as you're not being your true self (in my own personal experience). However, if you think your safety/roof over your head will be endangered then do not come out yet. I hope one day you can manage it. Sometimes people's reactions will be harsh at first but they change over time as they are educated. Even if they don't ever come around you will find people who love you and accept you for who you are.

Reply 3

username7144506

Original post by LukeMartin001

Hi my name is Javed, I'm a 23 year old Gay Pakistani guy from Small Heath in Birmingham, I'm comfortable knowing I'm attracted to only guys, but will my family be accepting?
I feel like I can truly find peace and get the pressure off my chest if I come out to my family.....but they are Pakistani and Muslim and these two communities are the most hostile towards LGBTQ+ and I've hid my secret from them for 23 years and I'm worried they will be heartbroken and disown me , should I come out to them or not?

Do not tell them. I'd keep any potential relationship a secret.

Reply 4

The Old Frog

Mention the gay talk and see how they react. If they are not going to be supportive I would not tell them until you're ready to live on your own and support yourself. Sounds rather selfish, but that's what I would do.

Reply 5

The_Lonely_Goatherd

Original post by LukeMartin001

Hi my name is Javed, I'm a 23 year old Gay Pakistani guy from Small Heath in Birmingham, I'm comfortable knowing I'm attracted to only guys, but will my family be accepting?
I feel like I can truly find peace and get the pressure off my chest if I come out to my family.....but they are Pakistani and Muslim and these two communities are the most hostile towards LGBTQ+ and I've hid my secret from them for 23 years and I'm worried they will be heartbroken and disown me , should I come out to them or not?

Hi Javed,

Only you would have the best sense of how accepting or not your family might be - as we don't know you or your family members! Your family may surprise you by being more acceptance than stereotypes would care to think (my very Roman Catholic Sinhalese Sri Lankan mother guessed I was lesbian and asked me about it years ago. She wasn't thrilled, but was quietly accepting in her own way!), but the likeliness is that they may not be accepting and you need to be prepared for that if you tell them.

Others have given good advice about telling siblings, potential sham marriages, and about not telling your family unless you can support yourself without their finances - so I won't repeat all that. I'm glad you are comfortable in your own skin and hope you can find some viable way forward with your life.

Good luck! :hugs:

Reply 6

Cool Man!

Original post by LukeMartin001

Hi my name is Javed, I'm a 23 year old Gay Pakistani guy from Small Heath in Birmingham, I'm comfortable knowing I'm attracted to only guys, but will my family be accepting?
I feel like I can truly find peace and get the pressure off my chest if I come out to my family.....but they are Pakistani and Muslim and these two communities are the most hostile towards LGBTQ+ and I've hid my secret from them for 23 years and I'm worried they will be heartbroken and disown me , should I come out to them or not?

If you tell them how you feel maybe.

Reply 7

Abdal-Jalil

Astaghfir allah!!!!!!!!!

Reply 8

Anonymous #3

With all due respect, how are we supposed to know? Only you know what your family are like and only you know them well enough to be able to predict with reasonable accuracy how they'll react? If there's a possibility you'll be disowned or honour killed then it's best to wait until you've moved out and are financially independent so that you don't rely on them for housing and income. And even after all that, if you eventually want to be in a relationship with a man you may have to decide between him and having a relationship with your family, as they may not accept you.

Reply 9

Anonymous #4

Original post by Rr600

Religion wastes people's lives. Basically you can't have sex, love, relationships, marriage, children just because an old book called Quran is homophobic

It does not stop a single one of those things, on the contrary! It mearly sets gidelines and bounderies to prevent harm and unhealthy situations as any society or culture does. (I am speaking in general by the way - not specifically about this situation)
Religion gives people a purpose in life, necessitates love and kindness, and builds a strong, healthy family.
I am sorry to our brother who is going through this situation and desperation, but don't let it destroy your faith - we believe that God never tests a soul more than it can carry.
Even if the difficulty which your religion has put you under has caused you to turn away from God, what harm can befall you by at least trying to pray for guidence through these struggles.
If anyone or thing had lead you to believe that you are less worthy in the eyes of God, then I swear either you have missunderstood the religion.
God moves in mysterious ways and if you turn to Him in a circumstance where most would turn away, then He will relieve you of all difficulties in ways you would never expect and in ways you could never imagine.
Islam is not unfair and there is a devine wisdome behind everything. The Quran says that "So surely with difficulty is easy, surely with difficulty is ease". - There is no harm in praying for relief whether or not you believe, so you might as well try.

Reply 10

Admit-One

Universities Forum Helper

I think it's fairly clear that our thread starter is after family advice rather than a religious debate.

Reply 11

Rr600

Original post by Admit-One

I think it's fairly clear that our thread starter is after family advice rather than a religious debate.

The issue is the family religion which is homophobic

Reply 12

Admit-One

Universities Forum Helper

“Your religion is homophobic” is not advice for the OP.

Reply 13

Anonymous #4

I doubt the OP appreciates your advice! I am sure you are not going to help his situation by insulting his family.
You are being immature and should keep your opinion to yourself!

Reply 14

username6526836

Original post by Abdal-Jalil

Astaghfir allah!!!!!!!!!

real - what the hell is happening to our ummah? 😒

Reply 15

Ciel.

Original post by LukeMartin001

Hi my name is Javed, I'm a 23 year old Gay Pakistani guy from Small Heath in Birmingham, I'm comfortable knowing I'm attracted to only guys, but will my family be accepting?
I feel like I can truly find peace and get the pressure off my chest if I come out to my family.....but they are Pakistani and Muslim and these two communities are the most hostile towards LGBTQ+ and I've hid my secret from them for 23 years and I'm worried they will be heartbroken and disown me , should I come out to them or not?

i doubt it. it's literally illegal to be gay in pakistan. so unless their values align with the UK values, i would be very cautious.
have you ever tested the waters? how do they react when there's e.g. a gay kissing scene on tv or something?

(edited 8 months ago)

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