I need to vent.

Hi.
This is a long one I apologise in advance.
I am 21 yo live with my parents and my 22 yo brother.
My brother has a moderate learning disability and autism, which he was diagnosed with at 5 years old. For as long as I can remember, my brother has exhibited violent behaviour. He is unpredictable and hits out (more of a thump as he clenches his fist) as well as spitting, throwing and breaking things (he also used to scratch too which I have a lovely mark under my right eye to show for it. Growing up there were things I couldn’t do because my parents had to consider my brother. Although unintentional, my parents have looked over my needs which caused me to have issues with my own mental health and at school.
I’d like to think for the most part I have been very patient and accommodating of my brother’s needs as I love him very much. But the breaking point for me came when we were on a family holiday in the Caribbean a couple of months ago. Due to the hot climate, my brother struggled with regulating his body temp which was a catalyst for a lot of his meltdowns. He had one at least once a day and directed a lot of the anger towards my dad. My dad has threatened him with violence several times over the years (e.g. laying him out, punching him etc. - he comes from a background where violence is normalised), which he never follows through, as well as the fact that he won’t be able to live at home anymore which I feel makes my brother see living away as a negative thing (he went away to residential school 5 years ago which made him regress and it went very wrong for him there). But there’s been times where I’ve hoped he has to shock my brother in an effort to stop (even though reciprocal violence will intensify my brother’s anger)
I’m fortunate that he hasn’t taken his anger out on me (though he has threatened to kill me a few times) and he rarely hits me. But on this particular day, I was looking for my phone charger and I thought I had left it in the lounge area of our apartment. So I went there and saw something white which I thought was my charger so went over to get it. As I got closer my brother saw it as a threat and hit me on the arm. It shocked me so I left and went to the bathroom.
I think I should’ve defended myself and hit him back but I know my parents would see me as the problem. I was in the bathroom a while and my brother hitting me played over and over in my head on a continuous loop.
Eventually I lost it and stormed out the bathroom and started cussing out my brother which I’m ashamed to admit. I said some horrible things to him and said I would report him to the police for assault (had he been neurotypical he would’ve had a assault charge on his record) and my parents came out of their room trying to calm the situation down and I lost it at them too because they kept trying to justify his behaviour by saying he is unable to regulate his emotions and he has a learning disability (which I appreciate but it’s become very frustrating).
My brother does apologise after he does something bad, but he always repeats the action he’s apologised for (I know as a result of his learning disability he might not always know right from wrong and he knows saying sorry is important when he’s done something wrong) and whilst I am trying my best to give grace I’m only human and I only have so much and at this point his apologies are just words and are becoming disingenuous. It just seems like my parents are just facilitating his behaviour and send the message to my brother that no matter how bad he behaves he’ll always get what he wants (my mum does punish him though and has stopped him from doing activities when he’s acted up but it went completely out the window on this holiday).
My dad then called me ungrateful and said I had no right to behave the way I did even though my brother started it. Despite everything that went on I stuck out the holiday and flew back home (my brother also kicked off at the airport and hit my dad in front of a crowd of people) and went back to my apartment (I live away from home for uni).
To top it off my dad has also said that when me and my mum are no longer here he wants me to look after my brother (as in for him to move in with me). Both my mum and I said to him I have the right to have my own life and I can check in on him which I have no problem doing.
The issue I have now is that I’ve been offered a placement to help me gain work experience as part of my degree and as it’s remote I can do it from anywhere. However, my tenancy for my place runs out in August so my mum said I can move back home. I’ve expressed to her that I don’t feel comfortable at the thought of moving home as I wouldn’t feel safe as my brother will be there. My mum then told me that his behaviour’s calmed down a lot in comparison to when he was in his teens and justified my reasons for feeling like this is
1. because I’m no longer amongst it as I live away.
2. The reason for his behaviour being the heat
3. The period of time we were away (~12 days). She tried to offset this with the fact that we went to the Caribbean last year (a diff part) for a week and he coped perfectly fine. I know my mum is with him every day so she knows his temperament better than me but I’m struggling to trust her.
There’s been times where I’ve thought about going NC but I know it would tear my family up and make things really hard as they didn’t ask for this and neither did my brother. When I’m away my brother asks for me and wants to know when I am coming home. Due to his learning disability he’d really struggle to understand NC and I fear this would do a number on his mental health and make his behaviour worse. It would also be difficult at family gatherings too (especially on my mum’s side which has all the cousins I’m close to) and I’m worried that me going NC with my immediate family would affect my relationships with my extended family. Another issue I have is due to me being a student I can only work PT thus I don’t have much money to put down on a place of my own. As both parents earn over the threshold I’m not eligible for the max student loan and what I do get my mum has to top up the amount to ensure I can pay my rent. This would cease if I went NC.
I don’t know who to talk to about this as I don’t feel my friends would understand me. I think the only way forward is supported living but up until recently my dad is reserved (which I get) whilst both my mum and I agree it would be best. But it takes ages to sort out and I don’t know if I feel safe around my family anymore.
I love my parents and brother dearly and he is a kind person with a heart of gold. But I’m struggling to separate who he is from his behaviour and as the days go by I’m seriously beginning to consider going NC for my own sanity.

Hi.
This is a long one I apologise in advance.
I am 21 yo live with my parents and my 22 yo brother.
My brother has a moderate learning disability and autism, which he was diagnosed with at 5 years old. For as long as I can remember, my brother has exhibited violent behaviour. He is unpredictable and hits out (more of a thump as he clenches his fist) as well as spitting, throwing and breaking things (he also used to scratch too which I have a lovely mark under my right eye to show for it. Growing up there were things I couldn’t do because my parents had to consider my brother. Although unintentional, my parents have looked over my needs which caused me to have issues with my own mental health and at school.
I’d like to think for the most part I have been very patient and accommodating of my brother’s needs as I love him very much. But the breaking point for me came when we were on a family holiday in the Caribbean a couple of months ago. Due to the hot climate, my brother struggled with regulating his body temp which was a catalyst for a lot of his meltdowns. He had one at least once a day and directed a lot of the anger towards my dad. My dad has threatened him with violence several times over the years (e.g. laying him out, punching him etc. - he comes from a background where violence is normalised), which he never follows through, as well as the fact that he won’t be able to live at home anymore which I feel makes my brother see living away as a negative thing (he went away to residential school 5 years ago which made him regress and it went very wrong for him there). But there’s been times where I’ve hoped he has to shock my brother in an effort to stop (even though reciprocal violence will intensify my brother’s anger)
I’m fortunate that he hasn’t taken his anger out on me (though he has threatened to kill me a few times) and he rarely hits me. But on this particular day, I was looking for my phone charger and I thought I had left it in the lounge area of our apartment. So I went there and saw something white which I thought was my charger so went over to get it. As I got closer my brother saw it as a threat and hit me on the arm. It shocked me so I left and went to the bathroom.
I think I should’ve defended myself and hit him back but I know my parents would see me as the problem. I was in the bathroom a while and my brother hitting me played over and over in my head on a continuous loop.
Eventually I lost it and stormed out the bathroom and started cussing out my brother which I’m ashamed to admit. I said some horrible things to him and said I would report him to the police for assault (had he been neurotypical he would’ve had a assault charge on his record) and my parents came out of their room trying to calm the situation down and I lost it at them too because they kept trying to justify his behaviour by saying he is unable to regulate his emotions and he has a learning disability (which I appreciate but it’s become very frustrating).
My brother does apologise after he does something bad, but he always repeats the action he’s apologised for (I know as a result of his learning disability he might not always know right from wrong and he knows saying sorry is important when he’s done something wrong) and whilst I am trying my best to give grace I’m only human and I only have so much and at this point his apologies are just words and are becoming disingenuous. It just seems like my parents are just facilitating his behaviour and send the message to my brother that no matter how bad he behaves he’ll always get what he wants (my mum does punish him though and has stopped him from doing activities when he’s acted up but it went completely out the window on this holiday).
My dad then called me ungrateful and said I had no right to behave the way I did even though my brother started it. Despite everything that went on I stuck out the holiday and flew back home (my brother also kicked off at the airport and hit my dad in front of a crowd of people) and went back to my apartment (I live away from home for uni).
To top it off my dad has also said that when me and my mum are no longer here he wants me to look after my brother (as in for him to move in with me). Both my mum and I said to him I have the right to have my own life and I can check in on him which I have no problem doing.
The issue I have now is that I’ve been offered a placement to help me gain work experience as part of my degree and as it’s remote I can do it from anywhere. However, my tenancy for my place runs out in August so my mum said I can move back home. I’ve expressed to her that I don’t feel comfortable at the thought of moving home as I wouldn’t feel safe as my brother will be there. My mum then told me that his behaviour’s calmed down a lot in comparison to when he was in his teens and justified my reasons for feeling like this is
1. because I’m no longer amongst it as I live away.
2. The reason for his behaviour being the heat
3. The period of time we were away (~12 days). She tried to offset this with the fact that we went to the Caribbean last year (a diff part) for a week and he coped perfectly fine. I know my mum is with him every day so she knows his temperament better than me but I’m struggling to trust her.
There’s been times where I’ve thought about going NC but I know it would tear my family up and make things really hard as they didn’t ask for this and neither did my brother. When I’m away my brother asks for me and wants to know when I am coming home. Due to his learning disability he’d really struggle to understand NC and I fear this would do a number on his mental health and make his behaviour worse. It would also be difficult at family gatherings too (especially on my mum’s side which has all the cousins I’m close to) and I’m worried that me going NC with my immediate family would affect my relationships with my extended family. Another issue I have is due to me being a student I can only work PT thus I don’t have much money to put down on a place of my own. As both parents earn over the threshold I’m not eligible for the max student loan and what I do get my mum has to top up the amount to ensure I can pay my rent. This would cease if I went NC.
I don’t know who to talk to about this as I don’t feel my friends would understand me. I think the only way forward is supported living but up until recently my dad is reserved (which I get) whilst both my mum and I agree it would be best. But it takes ages to sort out and I don’t know if I feel safe around my family anymore.
I love my parents and brother dearly and he is a kind person with a heart of gold. But I’m struggling to separate who he is from his behaviour and as the days go by I’m seriously beginning to consider going NC for my own sanity.

You are in an awful position, and the fact that you are even thinking about going NC when you clearly love your family shows that. The reality is that your mum and dad have to deal with this on a daily basis and perhaps don't see his behaviour as so extreme because they are used to it. If they want to keep him living with them that is entirely up to them, but it is unfair to expect you to feel unsafe.
As you live away during term time (I assume) and you will be able to live in your own place/shared house once you graduate, the "problem" from your point of view will solve itself. You can limit your visits to short trips home, and perhaps avoid going on holiday with them. Seriously consider staying in your university town while doing your placement. You may be able to extend your tenancy, stay with a friend or find other accommodation locally. Alternatively is there a family member you could stay with until you're back at uni? You will need to concentrate on your placement, and the disruptive atmosphere at home will make that difficult. If you calmly explain this to your mum hopefully she will help with the rent.
Please don't cut contact, it will be bad for you and devastating for your family.
Wishing you the best

My brother has some form of Autism - but I don't think it excuses his behaviour most of the time as I am also Autistic.
He is very tempremental and its kinda like walking on egg shells whenever you interact with him. He seems to mask it outside of the house but takes it out on us most of the time. Sometimes just verbal threats of violence. Sometimes he is actively antagonistic to try to start a fight (grin and bear, he normally will get bored and clear off).
I find that I hardly interact with him out of choice. I tend to avoid him and put up with it if he interacts with me.
He can be nice, but generally it doesn't take much to set him off.
For the time being it kinda is what it is. Though I imagine when he or I move out, we will probably NC.
Sometimes the family you have is wack, and I think its fine to move far away and cut them off. If you want to keep up image - just send a christmas card here or there - you don't need to interact beyond that. If you see them at a function say hi, you don't need to hang out with them for a long time.
You have a life to live, go live it.