Should I (20 M) break up with my boyfriend (20M) / are my new feelings genuine?

I’m a 20-year old (M) 2nd year university student and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (20 M) from the very beginning of university roughly two years ago. We have had our highs and our lows. He has BPD, which I was fully aware of, but it has been difficult to deal with over the course of our relationship. He also little contact with his parents – he certainly has mental problems. I am certainly not perfect either – especially in a stressful uni situation (we lived together this academic year) – each week had at least one argument. He would throw insults, I would often threaten to break-up with him as that was the only way I could get him to back off, calm down, or let me leave the room. I know it sounds silly but other than these moments our relationship was good; we have done everything together over the past two years, and I have many happy memories. My parents love him, I love his family – lots of things work. Everyone says we are like an 'old married couple'.

Now things get complicated. A few days ago I had a casual-sex hookup with a guy I did not know, also 2nd year at my university. For some time my boyfriend and I have had no problem with causal sex (probably because of promiscuous gay culture), but this time it became very emotional for me. This guy was lovely, gave me genuine compliments, and for the first time in a long time, my heart began to flutter again. (Cringey, I know). He made me aware of all of the things about university life that I had missed out on in my two-years. He has been in music, plays, bands, clubbing – the lot. When he asked about me I was pretty stumped. I have worked incredibly hard this academic year and not done much social stuff aside from drinking and going to a few parties with (our) close friends. Anyway, our short four hours of conversation seemed like 5 minutes. I have never felt that way before. I can’t wait to see him again next uni year, but I know that’s stupid. Are these genuine feelings / at the very least might they be showing me what I have been missing out on?

I would feel incredibly isolated without my boyfriend if, (as a result of these feelings and things more widely) I broke up with him now or in August, when he goes travelling for a year (and I remain at uni in my third year). I am the type of person who has a select group of very close friends from home and uni (i.e. counting on one hand). They are all busy or working nonstop this summer. I would have close to no people in my life without my boyfriend, and I definitely lack the confidence to strike up new friendships in my third & final year of uni, when I will have to be working my hardest, and I won’t have my friends to rely on (all but one is taking a year out, like my boyfriend, to travel).
Before I became aware of social media, university life, clubbing, drinking, etc., I could somewhat happily occupy myself for months with little contact to friends - gaming, walking, writing, etc. But now those sort of activities that don’t involve friends are always overshadowed by a constant nagging feeling that I should be forging more friendships and relationships, having more fun or going on more adventures with my existing friends, etc. But for the reasons I’ve outlined, I’m going to find it difficult to do that. (How the hell could I go alone to a play, or a bar, or a club - I would feel awkward and very out of place).

And an additional question: (even if my feelings were a) genuine, and not the sole product of anxiety/loniliness/terror of next year, and b) therefore our relationship should end, my boyfriend and I are incredibly intertwined. He is currently staying at my house and has spent some (very lovely) summers here. He has no home to go back to, and all of his belongings are here. What would I do about this, and lonesome self, if one would advise me to break up with him now?

~TLDR:~ I have been working nonstop and perhaps blocking life out – but ever since my hookup, my heart has been completely turned round. Are these feelings justified and should I break up with my boyfriend?

Reply 1

HoldThisL

tldr if you have to ask, probably yes, and no, respectively

(edited 1 year ago)

Reply 2

JF ZAK

Original post by Anonymous

I’m a 20-year old (M) 2nd year university student and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (20 M) from the very beginning of university roughly two years ago. We have had our highs and our lows. He has BPD, which I was fully aware of, but it has been difficult to deal with over the course of our relationship. He also little contact with his parents – he certainly has mental problems. I am certainly not perfect either – especially in a stressful uni situation (we lived together this academic year) – each week had at least one argument. He would throw insults, I would often threaten to break-up with him as that was the only way I could get him to back off, calm down, or let me leave the room. I know it sounds silly but other than these moments our relationship was good; we have done everything together over the past two years, and I have many happy memories. My parents love him, I love his family – lots of things work. Everyone says we are like an 'old married couple'.
Now things get complicated. A few days ago I had a casual-sex hookup with a guy I did not know, also 2nd year at my university. For some time my boyfriend and I have had no problem with causal sex (probably because of promiscuous gay culture), but this time it became very emotional for me. This guy was lovely, gave me genuine compliments, and for the first time in a long time, my heart began to flutter again. (Cringey, I know). He made me aware of all of the things about university life that I had missed out on in my two-years. He has been in music, plays, bands, clubbing – the lot. When he asked about me I was pretty stumped. I have worked incredibly hard this academic year and not done much social stuff aside from drinking and going to a few parties with (our) close friends. Anyway, our short four hours of conversation seemed like 5 minutes. I have never felt that way before. I can’t wait to see him again next uni year, but I know that’s stupid. Are these genuine feelings / at the very least might they be showing me what I have been missing out on?
I would feel incredibly isolated without my boyfriend if, (as a result of these feelings and things more widely) I broke up with him now or in August, when he goes travelling for a year (and I remain at uni in my third year). I am the type of person who has a select group of very close friends from home and uni (i.e. counting on one hand). They are all busy or working nonstop this summer. I would have close to no people in my life without my boyfriend, and I definitely lack the confidence to strike up new friendships in my third & final year of uni, when I will have to be working my hardest, and I won’t have my friends to rely on (all but one is taking a year out, like my boyfriend, to travel).
Before I became aware of social media, university life, clubbing, drinking, etc., I could somewhat happily occupy myself for months with little contact to friends - gaming, walking, writing, etc. But now those sort of activities that don’t involve friends are always overshadowed by a constant nagging feeling that I should be forging more friendships and relationships, having more fun or going on more adventures with my existing friends, etc. But for the reasons I’ve outlined, I’m going to find it difficult to do that. (How the hell could I go alone to a play, or a bar, or a club - I would feel awkward and very out of place).
And an additional question: (even if my feelings were a) genuine, and not the sole product of anxiety/loniliness/terror of next year, and b) therefore our relationship should end, my boyfriend and I are incredibly intertwined. He is currently staying at my house and has spent some (very lovely) summers here. He has no home to go back to, and all of his belongings are here. What would I do about this, and lonesome self, if one would advise me to break up with him now?
~TLDR:~ I have been working nonstop and perhaps blocking life out – but ever since my hookup, my heart has been completely turned round. Are these feelings justified and should I break up with my boyfriend?

It sounds like you're going through a very complex and emotionally challenging situation. Let's break down your concerns and address them one by one.
Firstly, regarding your relationship with your boyfriend:
1. **Relationship Dynamics**: It's understandable that dealing with your boyfriend's BPD and the ensuing arguments has been difficult. It's positive that you've had many happy memories together, but the frequent arguments and insults are concerning. Threatening to break up as a way to manage his behavior is not sustainable for a healthy relationship.
2. **New Emotions from Casual Hookup**: It's natural to feel conflicted when new emotions arise after a casual hookup. This new person brought excitement and a different perspective into your life, making you question what you might have missed out on during your university years. However, it's essential to differentiate between genuine feelings and the allure of novelty and escape from current stressors.
3. **Isolation Concerns**: The prospect of breaking up with your boyfriend and feeling isolated without him is daunting, especially since your close friends are also busy or taking a year out. This fear is valid, and it's understandable to worry about your social support network, especially during such a critical time in your university studies.
Now, addressing your additional questions:
- **Interconnected Lives**: Your lives are deeply intertwined, and breaking up would undoubtedly have practical challenges, such as where he would stay and where his belongings would go. This is a significant consideration, and planning for such logistics is crucial before making any decisions.
Given these complexities, here are some steps you might consider:
1. **Reflect on Your Relationship**: Take some time to reflect on your relationship with your boyfriend. Consider whether the frequent arguments and insults are something you can continue to manage or if they indicate deeper incompatibilities. Evaluate whether the recent feelings from the hookup are a passing phase or a genuine awakening to unmet needs in your current relationship.
2. **Communicate Honestly**: If you decide to explore your feelings further or consider a breakup, it's crucial to communicate openly and honestly with your boyfriend. Discuss your concerns, the impact of his behavior on you, and how you both envision your futures.
3. **Explore Your Own Needs**: Take time to explore what you want and need from your university experience and relationships. This includes social activities, personal growth, and academic pursuits. Consider whether you've been neglecting certain aspects of your life and how you can start integrating them more meaningfully.
4. **Seek Support**: Reach out to trusted friends or a counselor to discuss your feelings and concerns. Having a supportive sounding board can help clarify your thoughts and emotions as you navigate this challenging decision.
5. **Logistical Planning**: If you decide to end the relationship, plan for the practical aspects, such as living arrangements for your boyfriend and how to manage your social and emotional well-being during this transition period.
Ultimately, only you can determine whether your recent feelings are justified and whether a breakup is the right decision. It's essential to prioritize your own happiness and well-being while considering the impact on both yourself and your boyfriend. Take your time to process everything and make a decision that feels right for you in the long term.