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feeling odd about idea of changing surname after marriage

I think society has come a long way with equality between men and women and so im not particularly sure about where this post lies. But the idea of me (a woman) changing my surname that I have lived with for my entire life for my future husband really makes me feel weird. I really hope this expectation starts to change soon and it shocks me that it hasnt already.

Its not really the actual act of changing it, but more the expectation to do so for a woman. After marriage taking on my husbands surname will be considered the normal thing to do, however, the other way around would be a huge deal. I think a man would be offended if I were to not take on his surname, but asking him to do it would be considered unreasonable and woke. I guess it would make him think "does she not love me enough to take on my surname", but what about the other way around? I think I could be completely in love with and devoted to a man but still feel extremely uneasy about changing my surname to his.

I feel like my kids will have no part of my family name in their identities which seems crazy to me. I know middle names are sometimes maiden names but this isnt enough. I'd like for my name to be passed on to my kids and understandably a man would too, but society expects there to be an easy answer to this. Im not sure if this post sounds somewhat crazy but I guess a mans reasons for wanting their wife and kids to take on their surnames would be exactly the same as a woman's reasons for them to take on hers instead. I cant believe this isnt talked about more.

I feel as if it is just a tradition now and it isnt misogyny or anything because of how far back it goes but do any other women also feel this way? And how do you plan to overcome this? Also to any men, have you ever thought about including/taking on your wife's name and how do you feel about this?
You don't have to change your name when you marry.
You don't have to give your children your husbands name.
If you're marrying someone who disagrees with the above statements, then maybe he's not the right guy.
Then don't change it. (My wife didn't.)
Neither your thinking nor this situation are as unusual as you think. It probably is fair to say that there is a general expectation that a woman takes a man's name after marriage, but it is fairly common for a woman to do something other than that, be it keep their name entirely or double barrel it. There's no reason to think that your other half would be offended by the suggestion either that you don't take his name, or that your children don't his name. What you do with your name is entirely your choice. Choices around what to do with the children should obviously be made together, but it's something that you should be able to talk through together. The way to overcome all of this is to talk through it. But there isn't any need to have the level of concern that you seem to from reading your post. As I say, your thinking really isn't that unusual at all, and I would have thought that a partner who aligns with your other values is likely to be fine with this too.
Original post by Anonymous
I think society has come a long way with equality between men and women and so im not particularly sure about where this post lies. But the idea of me (a woman) changing my surname that I have lived with for my entire life for my future husband really makes me feel weird. I really hope this expectation starts to change soon and it shocks me that it hasnt already.
Its not really the actual act of changing it, but more the expectation to do so for a woman. After marriage taking on my husbands surname will be considered the normal thing to do, however, the other way around would be a huge deal. I think a man would be offended if I were to not take on his surname, but asking him to do it would be considered unreasonable and woke. I guess it would make him think "does she not love me enough to take on my surname", but what about the other way around? I think I could be completely in love with and devoted to a man but still feel extremely uneasy about changing my surname to his.
I feel like my kids will have no part of my family name in their identities which seems crazy to me. I know middle names are sometimes maiden names but this isnt enough. I'd like for my name to be passed on to my kids and understandably a man would too, but society expects there to be an easy answer to this. Im not sure if this post sounds somewhat crazy but I guess a mans reasons for wanting their wife and kids to take on their surnames would be exactly the same as a woman's reasons for them to take on hers instead. I cant believe this isnt talked about more.
I feel as if it is just a tradition now and it isnt misogyny or anything because of how far back it goes but do any other women also feel this way? And how do you plan to overcome this? Also to any men, have you ever thought about including/taking on your wife's name and how do you feel about this?

In Islam you don’t need to change your surname keeping your father surname is mandatory.
Reply 5
It is somewhat patriarchal and I’m surprised it persists. I think there is something novel about changing your name that maybe retains appeal. And if your marriage is otherwise equal it’s neither here nor there. You could go for double-barrelled
I'm a lesbian and am unlikely to marry anyone anyway... but I'd never change my surname or double-barrell it for anyone :hand: It's one of my non-negotiables! :ninja:
Reply 7
Original post by Anonymous
I think society has come a long way with equality between men and women and so im not particularly sure about where this post lies. But the idea of me (a woman) changing my surname that I have lived with for my entire life for my future husband really makes me feel weird. I really hope this expectation starts to change soon and it shocks me that it hasnt already.
Its not really the actual act of changing it, but more the expectation to do so for a woman. After marriage taking on my husbands surname will be considered the normal thing to do, however, the other way around would be a huge deal. I think a man would be offended if I were to not take on his surname, but asking him to do it would be considered unreasonable and woke. I guess it would make him think "does she not love me enough to take on my surname", but what about the other way around? I think I could be completely in love with and devoted to a man but still feel extremely uneasy about changing my surname to his.
I feel like my kids will have no part of my family name in their identities which seems crazy to me. I know middle names are sometimes maiden names but this isnt enough. I'd like for my name to be passed on to my kids and understandably a man would too, but society expects there to be an easy answer to this. Im not sure if this post sounds somewhat crazy but I guess a mans reasons for wanting their wife and kids to take on their surnames would be exactly the same as a woman's reasons for them to take on hers instead. I cant believe this isnt talked about more.
I feel as if it is just a tradition now and it isnt misogyny or anything because of how far back it goes but do any other women also feel this way? And how do you plan to overcome this? Also to any men, have you ever thought about including/taking on your wife's name and how do you feel about this?

I'm certainly not woke, and I don't think choosing to not change your surname is a woke thing to do. My mother didn't do it, but she's told me that she wished she had. It wasn't because of a personal reason however - when travelling abroad with her but not my father, she's often be asked to provide documentation to prove that I was her son and that I wasn't being kidnapped, believe it or not. She had to keep her marriage certificate (or my birth certificate, I can't remember) with her when travelling to act as proof.
Original post by Doomotron
I'm certainly not woke, and I don't think choosing to not change your surname is a woke thing to do. My mother didn't do it, but she's told me that she wished she had. It wasn't because of a personal reason however - when travelling abroad with her but not my father, she's often be asked to provide documentation to prove that I was her son and that I wasn't being kidnapped, believe it or not. She had to keep her marriage certificate (or my birth certificate, I can't remember) with her when travelling to act as proof.

This is a fair point; many women who are indifferent to or don't feel strongly about changing their name do so for the sake of practicality when it comes to their children. Having a different surname to your children doesn't cause insurmountable problems, but it does cause little niggly ones that parents have to deal with reasonably regularly.

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