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Did I ignore the red flags?

Hi,

My boyfriend broke up with me a week ago. Im 28 and he is 35.

We were together for 8 months.

Before dating, we explored each other's dealbreakers and I explained to him that my non-negotiable was marriage, kids, provider etc.,

He told me he met that criteria. We continued our relationship as normal but.. it got to a point where 3 months in, I asked to go to his place in Oxford as he was renting. I live in London with my mum.

He refused to let me come up to him and would always come to me. But running around London for dates every week was exhausting and I wanted alone time, naturally. But he would say...

"Where I am living is not conducive for you as I live with questionable people"

But even when I said we can just lock the door?

He would flat out say No. I will not allow you over as it's not safe.

6 months in. Still the same thing, would not invite me to meet friends as they lived far away. Dad was a raging alcoholic and mother was disabled and he was constantly breaking their fights?

Then 4-5 months in... he asks me "What if it turns out I cannot have kids, will you break up with me?"

This came out of nowhere and I was so confused. As he told me he had unprotected sex with all his previous partners and they never got pregnant until they left him.

Right at the start he told me he had a health condition. A pituitary gland tumour. So he cannot produce testosterone naturally and has to take injections. Also, he mentioned suffering a testicular torsion at 18 and had to go to therapy for 2 years afterwards.

So he means to tell me his Urologist/Endocrinologist/Doctor! Did not manage his expectations regarding infertility?

They found he had zero sperm and it was highly likely he wasn't producing sperm before testosterone injections.

When he told me a month ago that he cannot have kids and he can only go through IVF/adoption. I reassured him that I loved him and I am open to IVF and then...

A few weeks later he started avoiding me. His credit/debit cards have been maxed out so cannot see me. The following week, he asked me to meet him to talk... halfway through my journey he sends me a text saying he cannot come as his car seized up. The same car he told me was not in a good way to begin with.

He told me he was taking the train? But instead chose to drive his non-functioning car?

Then he brought up baby names... and wanting to buy us a house in 10 months...

To now saying he has no money and can no longer afford to take me on dates after telling him I'd meet him halfway he refused. Suddenly now he is financially unstable and doesn't want to hold me back?

It just came out of nowhere. I have been so angry and confused since.
I remember seeing you post about this before and I know it's a really dire set of circumstances here, but try not to get angry because that'll make the situation worse on yourself. Try not to put your emotional stock into people and see that their lives and situations are much different than yours. Clearly this bloke of yours has a myriad of problems that befall him, but don't let it all stymie you because you have your life and what you enjoy. I know you care about him, but I think he needs time to sort himself out, and in the meantime you should get on with what you're doing. Might be best to go back to him when he has sorted things out and regained rationality.
Reply 2
Original post by JDINCINERATOR
I remember seeing you post about this before and I know it's a really dire set of circumstances here, but try not to get angry because that'll make the situation worse on yourself. Try not to put your emotional stock into people and see that their lives and situations are much different than yours. Clearly this bloke of yours has a myriad of problems that befall him, but don't let it all stymie you because you have your life and what you enjoy. I know you care about him, but I think he needs time to sort himself out, and in the meantime you should get on with what you're doing. Might be best to go back to him when he has sorted things out and regained rationality.

I so appreciate your comment on my previous post, but...He's ended the relationship.

I thought we were going to be in this together and fix it. But idk.
Original post by Anonymous
I so appreciate your comment on my previous post, but...He's ended the relationship.
I thought we were going to be in this together and fix it. But idk.

Do you think he might need time alone and then perhaps he can rethink things properly? I feel bad for his predicament but he shouldn't let you go because he's been faced with these circumstances-otherwise it's like he's thinking that he deserves all that's happening to him, which of course isn't right at all.
You’ve added a little more detail but as I said in the previous thread, I think there’s more to this from his POV and quite frankly you’ve likely dodged a bullet.
Reply 5
Original post by JDINCINERATOR
Do you think he might need time alone and then perhaps he can rethink things properly? I feel bad for his predicament but he shouldn't let you go because he's been faced with these circumstances-otherwise it's like he's thinking that he deserves all that's happening to him, which of course isn't right at all.

Tbh with you - I wore my heart on my sleeve for this one. And that is why I am so angry. I am beyond hurt because despite his shortcomings, I never once threatened to walk away - I loved him through it all and offered nothing but solutions.

He didn't think the relationship was worth continuing because we are not engaged or married and he's having these fundamental issues according to him.

I offered to meet him halfway so - no, I don't want him back. If he wanted to work things out he would have allowed me to support him because I fell in love with him and overlooked so many things. So many bloody red flags and the whole situation didn't make sense and has left me jaded.
There were more red flags than the Switzerland England Euros quarter final.

You never got to know him properly as you never lived with him. What you got to know was what he presented to you.

There's big question marks as to why you never visited him at his place. Is he living with someone and you were just his bit on the side?

The stuff about him maxing out his debit and credit cards. For a 35 year old.
And having an unreliable car. Or maybe him having a reliable enough car and him coming out with lying made-up excuses.

You should have dumped him before he dumped you.

Surely you can do a lot better than him? Find a 35 year old that's fertile, financially stable, has a mortgage on their own home, a reliable car, and a decent amount of openness and honesty.

You should be more annoyed at yourself than at him. He is what he is. You are what you are. The difference being you have a huge amount of control over yourself and only modest influence over others.
You have the ability to get the logical half of your brain to over-rule the emotional half. So that when you see red flags you bail out of the relationship and start looking for someone else instead of going down the emotional sunken cost route.
The amount of annoyance you should feel towards yourself may be intense for a couple of days. After that the logical half of your brain should take over and you should look towards the next chapter of your life with positivity and enthusiasm. You're older and wiser than you were 9 months ago.

Reading between the lines I'm sensing that your self esteem isn't as high as it could and should be? If that's the case, work on building that up in parallel with you proceeding with the search for a better man than Mr Oxford Blanks.
Reply 7
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
There were more red flags than the Switzerland England Euros quarter final.
You never got to know him properly as you never lived with him. What you got to know was what he presented to you.
There's big question marks as to why you never visited him at his place. Is he living with someone and you were just his bit on the side?
The stuff about him maxing out his debit and credit cards. For a 35 year old.
And having an unreliable car. Or maybe him having a reliable enough car and him coming out with lying made-up excuses.
You should have dumped him before he dumped you.
Surely you can do a lot better than him? Find a 35 year old that's fertile, financially stable, has a mortgage on their own home, a reliable car, and a decent amount of openness and honesty.
You should be more annoyed at yourself than at him. He is what he is. You are what you are. The difference being you have a huge amount of control over yourself and only modest influence over others.
You have the ability to get the logical half of your brain to over-rule the emotional half. So that when you see red flags you bail out of the relationship and start looking for someone else instead of going down the emotional sunken cost route.
The amount of annoyance you should feel towards yourself may be intense for a couple of days. After that the logical half of your brain should take over and you should look towards the next chapter of your life with positivity and enthusiasm. You're older and wiser than you were 9 months ago.
Reading between the lines I'm sensing that your self esteem isn't as high as it could and should be? If that's the case, work on building that up in parallel with you proceeding with the search for a better man than Mr Oxford Blanks.

Thank you for your thorough response to my post!

I feel I have a good sense of self esteem. All I wanted was for the relationship to work. Its been hard for me considering my last boyfriend passed away due to alcohol poisoning.

All my friends are either married, engaged, just had a baby or are pregnant.

I just wanted to feel like I am in the same life arena. Its not been easy for me and I tried to be strong for this current relationship as I assumed that couples should work through things together.

I offered solution after solution where he just offered nothing but excuses.

Perhaps my self-esteem took a hit because this relationship I prayed about and prayed over - I was willing to do anything to make it work.

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