marrying back home vs outside the family
Basically ive been fixed up with my cousin back home. He's a decent, educated, wealthy guy and is also (from what i understand) open-minded. The reason i mention him being wealthy is that his family's motivation for this marriage is not just to come to the UK. Would i be stupid for saying no to him?
abit of context, me unlike most other british pakistanis does not have a big family. its me, my parents and one sibling. Any extended family i do have here in the UK, i've never met in my life.
So being lonely has been a big issue for me growing up. I've always seen marriage as an opportunity to try and meet someone new and have some sort of family through in laws. My problem is that this cousin proposal literally takes this opportunity away.
so my question is 1) if I somehow marry outside the family, would inlaws actually give a crap about me and my family, or would this not really change my situation of being lonely. 2) Does this sound like a dumb excuse to say no to a 'decent' cousin back home.
Guys please I'd really appreciate any advice. thanks a lot in advance.
abit of context, me unlike most other british pakistanis does not have a big family. its me, my parents and one sibling. Any extended family i do have here in the UK, i've never met in my life.
So being lonely has been a big issue for me growing up. I've always seen marriage as an opportunity to try and meet someone new and have some sort of family through in laws. My problem is that this cousin proposal literally takes this opportunity away.
so my question is 1) if I somehow marry outside the family, would inlaws actually give a crap about me and my family, or would this not really change my situation of being lonely. 2) Does this sound like a dumb excuse to say no to a 'decent' cousin back home.
Guys please I'd really appreciate any advice. thanks a lot in advance.
to anyone not comfortable with an arranged (but i hope not remotely forced?) marriage, what you're asking sounds a bit wild
obviously its possible to meet someone you can love through your parents/family network, but to do so is a stretch for a lot of the people here for the ^^ above reason
and to do so with the hope of meeting friends seems even more wild
you can have close relationships with your in laws - and there's no reason to believe they would care about you any less than if you were already a cousin - but you can surely find friends more organically elsewhere
obviously its possible to meet someone you can love through your parents/family network, but to do so is a stretch for a lot of the people here for the ^^ above reason
and to do so with the hope of meeting friends seems even more wild
you can have close relationships with your in laws - and there's no reason to believe they would care about you any less than if you were already a cousin - but you can surely find friends more organically elsewhere
Reply 2
Original post by Anonymous
Basically ive been fixed up with my cousin back home. He's a decent, educated, wealthy guy and is also (from what i understand) open-minded. The reason i mention him being wealthy is that his family's motivation for this marriage is not just to come to the UK. Would i be stupid for saying no to him?
abit of context, me unlike most other british pakistanis does not have a big family. its me, my parents and one sibling. Any extended family i do have here in the UK, i've never met in my life.
So being lonely has been a big issue for me growing up. I've always seen marriage as an opportunity to try and meet someone new and have some sort of family through in laws. My problem is that this cousin proposal literally takes this opportunity away.
so my question is 1) if I somehow marry outside the family, would inlaws actually give a crap about me and my family, or would this not really change my situation of being lonely. 2) Does this sound like a dumb excuse to say no to a 'decent' cousin back home.
Guys please I'd really appreciate any advice. thanks a lot in advance.
abit of context, me unlike most other british pakistanis does not have a big family. its me, my parents and one sibling. Any extended family i do have here in the UK, i've never met in my life.
So being lonely has been a big issue for me growing up. I've always seen marriage as an opportunity to try and meet someone new and have some sort of family through in laws. My problem is that this cousin proposal literally takes this opportunity away.
so my question is 1) if I somehow marry outside the family, would inlaws actually give a crap about me and my family, or would this not really change my situation of being lonely. 2) Does this sound like a dumb excuse to say no to a 'decent' cousin back home.
Guys please I'd really appreciate any advice. thanks a lot in advance.
I reckon it would open doors to you having a good relationship with in-laws back home if you aren't that familiar with the ppl back home. It could also open doors over here bc ppl here that are related to people back home would care somewhat. Naturally, you know how us pkis can be, everyone will go to ur wedding and you will meet new people, it's just about how you present urself
Reply 3
Turn it down, meet someone through friends, work, wherever else you invest your time as it’ll feel a lot more meaningful and you’ll have a deeper connection. The fact it’s your cousin could mean future off springs may be disabled and require special needs as generational inbreeding through cousins over time means there is high levels of shared DNA, if your parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles also married cousins and family members.
This is not a means to find friends. Why not attend university? Get a weekend job somewhere people your age work? I’m not sure how old you are so I’m limited on what to suggest, but you should not do this purely out of expecting to find friends and be closer to relatives, when they will not care about you any more than they would currently.
I’ve grown up with one brother and i’ve not felt lonely, i’ve enjoyed growing up with him and he’s helped me find weekend jobs and invited me out with him and his friends which helped me meet people and enjoy time. There are other ways to feel less lonely and connect with people.
This is not a means to find friends. Why not attend university? Get a weekend job somewhere people your age work? I’m not sure how old you are so I’m limited on what to suggest, but you should not do this purely out of expecting to find friends and be closer to relatives, when they will not care about you any more than they would currently.
I’ve grown up with one brother and i’ve not felt lonely, i’ve enjoyed growing up with him and he’s helped me find weekend jobs and invited me out with him and his friends which helped me meet people and enjoy time. There are other ways to feel less lonely and connect with people.
Reply 4
Marry him.
Use contraceptives - secretly - to minimise the chances of you getting pregnant.
See how you get on with him, living together as man and wife for 6 to 12 months.
In parallel with marrying him, expand your social circle. Have an active social life outside of your husband and family.
If he really is a decent guy, he'd support you and want you to have this active social life.
Assert your frame on this. Don't ask his permission. Just proceed as if his permission isn't even required. And if he's not happy with you going out with others, the issue's with him and not you.
If it doesn't work out (EG he's annoyingly controlling), divorce him and get as good a financial outcome as you can from the divorce.
Be open to your family about the reasons for the divorce.
If you get on great with him, take yourself off the contraceptives when you're ready. And live happily ever after with him.
If a few years down the line, he changes in a bad way, or the marriage isn't working out (for any reason or no particular reason at all) divorce him.
If you married some other guy apart from your cousin, it's impossible to say how well the in laws would take to you. As it would depend on them and you. The best men seem to have either really great parents (well brought up) or really crumby parents (the hardship helped mould them into great adults).
Use contraceptives - secretly - to minimise the chances of you getting pregnant.
See how you get on with him, living together as man and wife for 6 to 12 months.
In parallel with marrying him, expand your social circle. Have an active social life outside of your husband and family.
If he really is a decent guy, he'd support you and want you to have this active social life.
Assert your frame on this. Don't ask his permission. Just proceed as if his permission isn't even required. And if he's not happy with you going out with others, the issue's with him and not you.
If it doesn't work out (EG he's annoyingly controlling), divorce him and get as good a financial outcome as you can from the divorce.
Be open to your family about the reasons for the divorce.
If you get on great with him, take yourself off the contraceptives when you're ready. And live happily ever after with him.
If a few years down the line, he changes in a bad way, or the marriage isn't working out (for any reason or no particular reason at all) divorce him.
If you married some other guy apart from your cousin, it's impossible to say how well the in laws would take to you. As it would depend on them and you. The best men seem to have either really great parents (well brought up) or really crumby parents (the hardship helped mould them into great adults).
It sounds like you want the opportunity to meet people on your own terms. If you do get married are you going to be living in Pakistan? In the UK?
If you're in the UK with hubby does he have family in the UK that you can get to know?
I have quite a few Asian friends who have had arranged marriages in so much as the family vetted potential partners and they met up with those potential partners and made a choice. Some are still happily married and some are divorced now. Personally I think you're better off picking from someone who was born here who understands UK life in the context of being a British Pakistani and the need to still conform to some traditions.
If you're in the UK with hubby does he have family in the UK that you can get to know?
I have quite a few Asian friends who have had arranged marriages in so much as the family vetted potential partners and they met up with those potential partners and made a choice. Some are still happily married and some are divorced now. Personally I think you're better off picking from someone who was born here who understands UK life in the context of being a British Pakistani and the need to still conform to some traditions.
Reply 6
Original post by Anonymous
Basically ive been fixed up with my cousin back home. He's a decent, educated, wealthy guy and is also (from what i understand) open-minded. The reason i mention him being wealthy is that his family's motivation for this marriage is not just to come to the UK. Would i be stupid for saying no to him?
abit of context, me unlike most other british pakistanis does not have a big family. its me, my parents and one sibling. Any extended family i do have here in the UK, i've never met in my life.
So being lonely has been a big issue for me growing up. I've always seen marriage as an opportunity to try and meet someone new and have some sort of family through in laws. My problem is that this cousin proposal literally takes this opportunity away.
so my question is 1) if I somehow marry outside the family, would inlaws actually give a crap about me and my family, or would this not really change my situation of being lonely. 2) Does this sound like a dumb excuse to say no to a 'decent' cousin back home.
Guys please I'd really appreciate any advice. thanks a lot in advance.
abit of context, me unlike most other british pakistanis does not have a big family. its me, my parents and one sibling. Any extended family i do have here in the UK, i've never met in my life.
So being lonely has been a big issue for me growing up. I've always seen marriage as an opportunity to try and meet someone new and have some sort of family through in laws. My problem is that this cousin proposal literally takes this opportunity away.
so my question is 1) if I somehow marry outside the family, would inlaws actually give a crap about me and my family, or would this not really change my situation of being lonely. 2) Does this sound like a dumb excuse to say no to a 'decent' cousin back home.
Guys please I'd really appreciate any advice. thanks a lot in advance.
Why would marrying someone outside the family stop you from expanding your social network and becoming less lonely? Surely it is the opposite? Assuming the rest of his family stays in Pakistan, and you stay together in the UK, you will just gain a husband. If you marry someone from the UK, their family will be over here also, so you will get a much bigger extended family that you can actually socialise with.
It think it is also best to marry someone that you choose, and someone that you get to know properly before committing. As someone else also mentioned, limiting the DNA pool, also increases the chances of child defects and other health issues.
Reply 7
Original post by Anonymous
Turn it down, meet someone through friends, work, wherever else you invest your time as it’ll feel a lot more meaningful and you’ll have a deeper connection. The fact it’s your cousin could mean future off springs may be disabled and require special needs as generational inbreeding through cousins over time means there is high levels of shared DNA, if your parents and grandparents and aunts and uncles also married cousins and family members.
This is not a means to find friends. Why not attend university? Get a weekend job somewhere people your age work? I’m not sure how old you are so I’m limited on what to suggest, but you should not do this purely out of expecting to find friends and be closer to relatives, when they will not care about you any more than they would currently.
I’ve grown up with one brother and i’ve not felt lonely, i’ve enjoyed growing up with him and he’s helped me find weekend jobs and invited me out with him and his friends which helped me meet people and enjoy time. There are other ways to feel less lonely and connect with people.
This is not a means to find friends. Why not attend university? Get a weekend job somewhere people your age work? I’m not sure how old you are so I’m limited on what to suggest, but you should not do this purely out of expecting to find friends and be closer to relatives, when they will not care about you any more than they would currently.
I’ve grown up with one brother and i’ve not felt lonely, i’ve enjoyed growing up with him and he’s helped me find weekend jobs and invited me out with him and his friends which helped me meet people and enjoy time. There are other ways to feel less lonely and connect with people.
im 23 and have a job, been uni and got a few decent friends. I feel like with my friends they are busy in their own lives and got big families etc. like we can meet whenever but it is still limited in a way. They are more emotionally there rather physically. but my logic for marrying outside the family rather than a cousin is that it gives a means of trying to form a new relationship I'm not saying a way to replace friends but with family (given that they are decent in laws) there is a guarantee that you will have someone in good and bad occasions, which I currently do not have. don't know if that makes sense
Reply 8
Marrying your cousin is disgusting.
It really depends on who you marry outside the family. Say if you had in laws from here, they could treat you right and actually have a really good bond with you and your family. But it can also be the opposite. It all depends on who you marry. I imagine the guy from PK would be coming here but he would have his family back home right? If thats the case, with all his family being backhome, I can imagine it will not massively change the dynamic you're in currently. It really depends on what you prioritise as an individual when it comes to marriage 
Reply 10
Original post by AAJXOXO
It really depends on who you marry outside the family. Say if you had in laws from here, they could treat you right and actually have a really good bond with you and your family. But it can also be the opposite. It all depends on who you marry. I imagine the guy from PK would be coming here but he would have his family back home right? If thats the case, with all his family being backhome, I can imagine it will not massively change the dynamic you're in currently. It really depends on what you prioritise as an individual when it comes to marriage
exactly you get what im saying, marrying in pk does not change my current situation in the slightest.
Reply 11
Original post by Anonymous
exactly you get what im saying, marrying in pk does not change my current situation in the slightest.
Hopefully you therefore have your answer. Marry someone from over here, as you will have more in common, and you can gain in laws, cousin, aunties etc that you can actually see.
The less related they are to you the better for heath reasons. Second cousins and onwards should be fine, but the risk of birth defect significantly increases with 1st cousins.
Reply 12
I won't lie, considering marrying someone to overcome loneliness is WILD. Girl, go out there and find friends. Marry the guy you actually care about. I mean, you can go down the arranged marriage route if that's what you want, but it's a huge risk marrying someone you hardly know.
Reply 13
Original post by Anonymous
Basically ive been fixed up with my cousin back home. He's a decent, educated, wealthy guy and is also (from what i understand) open-minded. The reason i mention him being wealthy is that his family's motivation for this marriage is not just to come to the UK. Would i be stupid for saying no to him?
abit of context, me unlike most other british pakistanis does not have a big family. its me, my parents and one sibling. Any extended family i do have here in the UK, i've never met in my life.
So being lonely has been a big issue for me growing up. I've always seen marriage as an opportunity to try and meet someone new and have some sort of family through in laws. My problem is that this cousin proposal literally takes this opportunity away.
so my question is 1) if I somehow marry outside the family, would inlaws actually give a crap about me and my family, or would this not really change my situation of being lonely. 2) Does this sound like a dumb excuse to say no to a 'decent' cousin back home.
Guys please I'd really appreciate any advice. thanks a lot in advance.
abit of context, me unlike most other british pakistanis does not have a big family. its me, my parents and one sibling. Any extended family i do have here in the UK, i've never met in my life.
So being lonely has been a big issue for me growing up. I've always seen marriage as an opportunity to try and meet someone new and have some sort of family through in laws. My problem is that this cousin proposal literally takes this opportunity away.
so my question is 1) if I somehow marry outside the family, would inlaws actually give a crap about me and my family, or would this not really change my situation of being lonely. 2) Does this sound like a dumb excuse to say no to a 'decent' cousin back home.
Guys please I'd really appreciate any advice. thanks a lot in advance.
I second an earlier comment that marrying your cousin is something to be avoided. It significantly increases the chances of you having a disabled child so why do it.
Reply 14
marrying ur cousin would be incest
Reply 15
Dear OP,
There’s an enormous amount to unpack here, beyond me. You say that your cousin and potential husband is “decent” but only that he’s “from what [you] understand, open minded”.
That doesn’t suggest to me that you played together as children on holidays, or really know him all that well. Surely you would know very well where he stood?
If he were all of these things (decent, a scholar, a rich man, of tolerant and modern views) AND you had known him since childhood or for many years, perhaps you could do worse, but it’s incredibly unwise to marry someone you have perhaps only met a few times.
An open-minded man in a deeply traditional society might still strike you as more conservative than you would care to marry.
I am neither a Pakistani nor a Muslim but I should like to point out that you cannot, in this country, be compelled to wed, nor can you be removed from the country to do so.
Any religious contract, bride-price payment, or so on is almost certainly flatly invalid in British law and binds you not a jot (although I imagine any solicitor would gladly reassure you in a more learned way than I).
It’s a horrible thing to have to say but perhaps necessary, if not for you as a graduate but for a young lady who might read this in a more precarious position.
Αs long as you are at present quite safe, I think this goes well beyond what we can advise. At the very, very least you need to see more of this man in a British context, and not making the best impression he can, but as he really is.
I understand that there are religious restrictions in strict Islam on the sexes meeting unaccompanied, but could you perhaps find a sympathetic companion to meet this man on neutral ground, as it were, for some good period of time before making a decision? If he is a rich man, he has little excuse not to fly over.
My only advice as a stranger is to do nothing rash, and nothing for the sake of duty that goes against your heart.
If there is even a trace of coercion, get out.
There’s an enormous amount to unpack here, beyond me. You say that your cousin and potential husband is “decent” but only that he’s “from what [you] understand, open minded”.
That doesn’t suggest to me that you played together as children on holidays, or really know him all that well. Surely you would know very well where he stood?
If he were all of these things (decent, a scholar, a rich man, of tolerant and modern views) AND you had known him since childhood or for many years, perhaps you could do worse, but it’s incredibly unwise to marry someone you have perhaps only met a few times.
An open-minded man in a deeply traditional society might still strike you as more conservative than you would care to marry.
I am neither a Pakistani nor a Muslim but I should like to point out that you cannot, in this country, be compelled to wed, nor can you be removed from the country to do so.
Any religious contract, bride-price payment, or so on is almost certainly flatly invalid in British law and binds you not a jot (although I imagine any solicitor would gladly reassure you in a more learned way than I).
It’s a horrible thing to have to say but perhaps necessary, if not for you as a graduate but for a young lady who might read this in a more precarious position.
Αs long as you are at present quite safe, I think this goes well beyond what we can advise. At the very, very least you need to see more of this man in a British context, and not making the best impression he can, but as he really is.
I understand that there are religious restrictions in strict Islam on the sexes meeting unaccompanied, but could you perhaps find a sympathetic companion to meet this man on neutral ground, as it were, for some good period of time before making a decision? If he is a rich man, he has little excuse not to fly over.
My only advice as a stranger is to do nothing rash, and nothing for the sake of duty that goes against your heart.
If there is even a trace of coercion, get out.
(edited 3 weeks ago)
Original post by Anonymous
Basically ive been fixed up with my cousin back home. He's a decent, educated, wealthy guy and is also (from what i understand) open-minded. The reason i mention him being wealthy is that his family's motivation for this marriage is not just to come to the UK. Would i be stupid for saying no to him?
abit of context, me unlike most other british pakistanis does not have a big family. its me, my parents and one sibling. Any extended family i do have here in the UK, i've never met in my life.
So being lonely has been a big issue for me growing up. I've always seen marriage as an opportunity to try and meet someone new and have some sort of family through in laws. My problem is that this cousin proposal literally takes this opportunity away.
so my question is 1) if I somehow marry outside the family, would inlaws actually give a crap about me and my family, or would this not really change my situation of being lonely. 2) Does this sound like a dumb excuse to say no to a 'decent' cousin back home.
Guys please I'd really appreciate any advice. thanks a lot in advance.
abit of context, me unlike most other british pakistanis does not have a big family. its me, my parents and one sibling. Any extended family i do have here in the UK, i've never met in my life.
So being lonely has been a big issue for me growing up. I've always seen marriage as an opportunity to try and meet someone new and have some sort of family through in laws. My problem is that this cousin proposal literally takes this opportunity away.
so my question is 1) if I somehow marry outside the family, would inlaws actually give a crap about me and my family, or would this not really change my situation of being lonely. 2) Does this sound like a dumb excuse to say no to a 'decent' cousin back home.
Guys please I'd really appreciate any advice. thanks a lot in advance.
a cousin? sorry but inbreeding needs to go, this is insane. i don't care if it's part of some 'cultures.' have you seen the most recent statistics, on all the health problems inbreeding causes? girl, just find a man in the uk. most women do really well on dating apps from what i know, so why not give it a try? you don't even know that guy, he could be a complete psycho... just meet someone, date first, and then consider marriage... culture/traditions can be toxic too. break the cycle.
(edited 3 weeks ago)
Original post by Anonymous
Basically ive been fixed up with my cousin back home. He's a decent, educated, wealthy guy and is also (from what i understand) open-minded. The reason i mention him being wealthy is that his family's motivation for this marriage is not just to come to the UK. Would i be stupid for saying no to him?
abit of context, me unlike most other british pakistanis does not have a big family. its me, my parents and one sibling. Any extended family i do have here in the UK, i've never met in my life.
So being lonely has been a big issue for me growing up. I've always seen marriage as an opportunity to try and meet someone new and have some sort of family through in laws. My problem is that this cousin proposal literally takes this opportunity away.
so my question is 1) if I somehow marry outside the family, would inlaws actually give a crap about me and my family, or would this not really change my situation of being lonely. 2) Does this sound like a dumb excuse to say no to a 'decent' cousin back home.
Guys please I'd really appreciate any advice. thanks a lot in advance.
abit of context, me unlike most other british pakistanis does not have a big family. its me, my parents and one sibling. Any extended family i do have here in the UK, i've never met in my life.
So being lonely has been a big issue for me growing up. I've always seen marriage as an opportunity to try and meet someone new and have some sort of family through in laws. My problem is that this cousin proposal literally takes this opportunity away.
so my question is 1) if I somehow marry outside the family, would inlaws actually give a crap about me and my family, or would this not really change my situation of being lonely. 2) Does this sound like a dumb excuse to say no to a 'decent' cousin back home.
Guys please I'd really appreciate any advice. thanks a lot in advance.
I sort of suggest you avoid Cousin Marriages for health and safety as well as wellbeing… especially if you want kids!!!!
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