Is this love or lust?
I recently reconnected with my current bf after almost 8 years. We couldn't be together before but it was love at first sight back in 2017. Things did not progress to a relationship as circumstances got in the way. However, I met him again and we realised we still had feelings for each other. And decided to start our relationship. He is really caring and he does treat me very nicely.
We went on numerous dates etc and then he took me to Portsmouth for a 2 week getaway. He had booked a house there and we stayed there in a really nice place. The experience was simple. It was just eating, hanging out in the afternoons and sex. Loads of sex which was almost everyday. He wouldn't stay away from me even when driving back to London.
We didn't have sex before this trip. We were simply going on dates, getting to know each other and kissing etc for a month.
He does stare at me quite a lot and frequently compliments etc.
But I have a hard time trusting men as I have been hurt and objectified before and I don't know if this is love or lust.
What do you think?
He's 29 and I'm 33.
We went on numerous dates etc and then he took me to Portsmouth for a 2 week getaway. He had booked a house there and we stayed there in a really nice place. The experience was simple. It was just eating, hanging out in the afternoons and sex. Loads of sex which was almost everyday. He wouldn't stay away from me even when driving back to London.
We didn't have sex before this trip. We were simply going on dates, getting to know each other and kissing etc for a month.
He does stare at me quite a lot and frequently compliments etc.
But I have a hard time trusting men as I have been hurt and objectified before and I don't know if this is love or lust.
What do you think?
He's 29 and I'm 33.
I don't think it's love, but I don't think it's lust either. You already knew each other and got along so you can't have got into this just for the sex, you have to see something in him. However, I think it may be too early to call it love, but it could turn into that. It's certainly closer to love than lust, if I had to choose.
Original post by Doomotron
I don't think it's love, but I don't think it's lust either. You already knew each other and got along so you can't have got into this just for the sex, you have to see something in him. However, I think it may be too early to call it love, but it could turn into that. It's certainly closer to love than lust, if I had to choose.
Separation story in short
story began amidst the backdrop of university life, where he and I first crossed paths during a period of student protests. it was love at first sight (we first saw each other a week before the protests). I saw him looking at me whilst standing in front of the cash machine and he stood totally transfixed, staring at me. His presence was magnetic, his gaze drawn to my face and he always made fierce eye contact. it became clear that he harbored a deep infatuation, often lingering nearby and finding reasons to engage, yet struggling to articulate his feelings directly. Our connection, however, was tumultuous; miscommunications and external peer pressures led to a heartbreaking separation marked by his defensive demeanor, he struggled to approach and talk to me on his own (all our previous conversations were initiated by me and he alwats expected me to start the conversation first). He would simply say hi and walk away which made me feel like he didn't want to talk more. However, he became bitter and angry (gave me angry looks) so I went to talk things out and he told me that he was hoping i would start a conversation. I had offered to talk things out further but he didnt agree, leaving our bond fractured and unresolved.
Over the years, our paths would sporadically intersect, each meeting was unresolved emotions and unspoken words. He tried to greet me twice in 2019 and 2020 but I was hurt and didnt acknowledge. He had also started dating someone else so i didnt want to talk at all during those years. However in 2022 we crossed paths again and I ended up greeting him and later on he was blatantly staring at me in front of his then gf (now ex).
We met again this year and he greeted me which lead to talking and he asked to go out for coffee. We exchanged numbers and he expressed everything about what happened in the past, how regretful he was and how he was unable to forget and move on and that he was always in love with me.
I ve crammed a lot of details in short about the separation
Original post by Zarek
Sounds like there could be something there, with typical start of relationship feel good. Live for now, see how it goes
What do you think of the separation incident?
Original post by Anonymous
What do you think of the separation incident?
Not sure. Right person, wrong time maybe. I do think you should be wary at least for a time of previous behaviours coming up again. Have you asked him what was going on then?
Original post by Anonymous
What do you think of the separation incident?
Sounds like you were both much more emotionally and socially immature than you are now. You clearly both liked each other, but didn't have the experience to make something of it. The fact that you've rekindled things now and everything is going very well is a positive sign, and suggests that there's nothing you need to be looking to read in to what happened before. It was a long time ago and you're both different people now.
As for the current situation, it's neither love nor lust, but you need to avoid attaching labels to things. Frankly it's something that teenagers and those at university do. You're in your late 20s. I don't know what sort of relationship experience you've had in the interim here, but you're quite obviously in the honeymoon period of the relationship where everything is going great, you can't keep your hands off each other, and there is a lot of sex. That's normal. Enjoy it. As the relationship develops that will die down a bit, and new positives and challenges will come along with it. I understand the insecurity but you don't need to be second guessing everything here. You both obviously really like each other. Just go with it and take it as it comes.
So you spent 2 weeks in Portsmouth and didn't even get to go on HMS Victory?
Next time put your foot down and go visit the joint greatest museum ship in the world. Even if you have to go without him.
Love comes in many different forms and this appears to be love from him.
However, the big question is: is he the right man for you to be spending more time with?
From what you've told us, I've got big reservations about that.
Just because a man loves you, doesn't mean to say he's the right person to have as the special lover in your life.
With you having been hurt and objectified before, you should audit how you select men to sleep with.
And you should audit how you behave on dates and with boyfriends.
Sherry Argov's Why Men Love *****es is an essential book for you to read. The title of the book is rather misleading, as the book doesn't advise you to be a *****, according to my definition of the word. It's a guide on being assertive and therefore more attractive, whilst still being great company to be with.
Next time put your foot down and go visit the joint greatest museum ship in the world. Even if you have to go without him.
Love comes in many different forms and this appears to be love from him.
However, the big question is: is he the right man for you to be spending more time with?
From what you've told us, I've got big reservations about that.
Just because a man loves you, doesn't mean to say he's the right person to have as the special lover in your life.
With you having been hurt and objectified before, you should audit how you select men to sleep with.
And you should audit how you behave on dates and with boyfriends.
Sherry Argov's Why Men Love *****es is an essential book for you to read. The title of the book is rather misleading, as the book doesn't advise you to be a *****, according to my definition of the word. It's a guide on being assertive and therefore more attractive, whilst still being great company to be with.
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
So you spent 2 weeks in Portsmouth and didn't even get to go on HMS Victory?
Next time put your foot down and go visit the joint greatest museum ship in the world. Even if you have to go without him.
Love comes in many different forms and this appears to be love from him.
However, the big question is: is he the right man for you to be spending more time with?
From what you've told us, I've got big reservations about that.
Just because a man loves you, doesn't mean to say he's the right person to have as the special lover in your life.
With you having been hurt and objectified before, you should audit how you select men to sleep with.
And you should audit how you behave on dates and with boyfriends.
Sherry Argov's Why Men Love *****es is an essential book for you to read. The title of the book is rather misleading, as the book doesn't advise you to be a *****, according to my definition of the word. It's a guide on being assertive and therefore more attractive, whilst still being great company to be with.
Next time put your foot down and go visit the joint greatest museum ship in the world. Even if you have to go without him.
Love comes in many different forms and this appears to be love from him.
However, the big question is: is he the right man for you to be spending more time with?
From what you've told us, I've got big reservations about that.
Just because a man loves you, doesn't mean to say he's the right person to have as the special lover in your life.
With you having been hurt and objectified before, you should audit how you select men to sleep with.
And you should audit how you behave on dates and with boyfriends.
Sherry Argov's Why Men Love *****es is an essential book for you to read. The title of the book is rather misleading, as the book doesn't advise you to be a *****, according to my definition of the word. It's a guide on being assertive and therefore more attractive, whilst still being great company to be with.
I haven't slept with many men nor dated much . I only dated 1 guy before him (post 2018)
Couldn't go to HMS Victory but will go there next time.
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
So you spent 2 weeks in Portsmouth and didn't even get to go on HMS Victory?
Next time put your foot down and go visit the joint greatest museum ship in the world. Even if you have to go without him.
Love comes in many different forms and this appears to be love from him.
However, the big question is: is he the right man for you to be spending more time with?
From what you've told us, I've got big reservations about that.
Just because a man loves you, doesn't mean to say he's the right person to have as the special lover in your life.
With you having been hurt and objectified before, you should audit how you select men to sleep with.
And you should audit how you behave on dates and with boyfriends.
Sherry Argov's Why Men Love *****es is an essential book for you to read. The title of the book is rather misleading, as the book doesn't advise you to be a *****, according to my definition of the word. It's a guide on being assertive and therefore more attractive, whilst still being great company to be with.
Next time put your foot down and go visit the joint greatest museum ship in the world. Even if you have to go without him.
Love comes in many different forms and this appears to be love from him.
However, the big question is: is he the right man for you to be spending more time with?
From what you've told us, I've got big reservations about that.
Just because a man loves you, doesn't mean to say he's the right person to have as the special lover in your life.
With you having been hurt and objectified before, you should audit how you select men to sleep with.
And you should audit how you behave on dates and with boyfriends.
Sherry Argov's Why Men Love *****es is an essential book for you to read. The title of the book is rather misleading, as the book doesn't advise you to be a *****, according to my definition of the word. It's a guide on being assertive and therefore more attractive, whilst still being great company to be with.
What reservations ?
It was just eating, hanging out in the afternoons and sex - I've had people in my social circle that have done that. Spent entire week-ends going at it like bunnies. The issue is the lack of balance and perspective. Having 3 hour love making sessions is great. However, between them, there's adventures to go on, places to visit, other things in life to be enjoyed.
He does stare at me quite a lot - indicates a guy that's stuck in his head too much. Inwardly focused too much. Lack of balance again. How about interest in you and the world around him?
he stood totally transfixed, staring at me - ditto. Also, what's with the staring on first meeting you? How about opening his mouth and breaking the ice with you? Especially if he was physically attracted to you.
he always made fierce eye contact - indication that he tends to dwell in the darker, lower emotional states. Anger, jealousy, sorrow, bitterness. The best men tend to dwell in the lighter, higher emotional states: contentment, joy, curiosity, enthusiasm, laughter.
yet struggling to articulate his feelings directly - trapped in his head
Our connection, however, was tumultuous; miscommunications - negative emotional states again. As well as poor communications skills
his defensive demeanor - negative emotional state. Trapped in his head. Thinking of his needs. Lack of focus on your needs and desires
he struggled to approach and talk to me - lack of social skills. Does he struggle at job interviews? And at communicating with the people he works with?
he became bitter and angry - negative emotional state. Over what? Nothing that logically deserved to get bitter and angry about
he told me that he was hoping i would start a conversation - lack of being pro-active on his part. Lack of maturity from him. All about what he wanted again. He wanted a comfortable, baby life, where everything came him. Instead of him thinking about what you'd want, which may well be a guy that takes the lead in starting conversations. Not just with you, but in other contexts too. Such as his work.
he was always in love with me - indication of an overly clingy, needy mindset. As well as him taking things too seriously.
he was blatantly staring at me in front of his then gf - that's a lack of class on his part. He should have introduced you to his girlfriend in a polite and friendly way.
He does stare at me quite a lot - indicates a guy that's stuck in his head too much. Inwardly focused too much. Lack of balance again. How about interest in you and the world around him?
he stood totally transfixed, staring at me - ditto. Also, what's with the staring on first meeting you? How about opening his mouth and breaking the ice with you? Especially if he was physically attracted to you.
he always made fierce eye contact - indication that he tends to dwell in the darker, lower emotional states. Anger, jealousy, sorrow, bitterness. The best men tend to dwell in the lighter, higher emotional states: contentment, joy, curiosity, enthusiasm, laughter.
yet struggling to articulate his feelings directly - trapped in his head
Our connection, however, was tumultuous; miscommunications - negative emotional states again. As well as poor communications skills
his defensive demeanor - negative emotional state. Trapped in his head. Thinking of his needs. Lack of focus on your needs and desires
he struggled to approach and talk to me - lack of social skills. Does he struggle at job interviews? And at communicating with the people he works with?
he became bitter and angry - negative emotional state. Over what? Nothing that logically deserved to get bitter and angry about
he told me that he was hoping i would start a conversation - lack of being pro-active on his part. Lack of maturity from him. All about what he wanted again. He wanted a comfortable, baby life, where everything came him. Instead of him thinking about what you'd want, which may well be a guy that takes the lead in starting conversations. Not just with you, but in other contexts too. Such as his work.
he was always in love with me - indication of an overly clingy, needy mindset. As well as him taking things too seriously.
he was blatantly staring at me in front of his then gf - that's a lack of class on his part. He should have introduced you to his girlfriend in a polite and friendly way.
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
It was just eating, hanging out in the afternoons and sex - I've had people in my social circle that have done that. Spent entire week-ends going at it like bunnies. The issue is the lack of balance and perspective. Having 3 hour love making sessions is great. However, between them, there's adventures to go on, places to visit, other things in life to be enjoyed.
He does stare at me quite a lot - indicates a guy that's stuck in his head too much. Inwardly focused too much. Lack of balance again. How about interest in you and the world around him?
he stood totally transfixed, staring at me - ditto. Also, what's with the staring on first meeting you? How about opening his mouth and breaking the ice with you? Especially if he was physically attracted to you.
he always made fierce eye contact - indication that he tends to dwell in the darker, lower emotional states. Anger, jealousy, sorrow, bitterness. The best men tend to dwell in the lighter, higher emotional states: contentment, joy, curiosity, enthusiasm, laughter.
yet struggling to articulate his feelings directly - trapped in his head
Our connection, however, was tumultuous; miscommunications - negative emotional states again. As well as poor communications skills
his defensive demeanor - negative emotional state. Trapped in his head. Thinking of his needs. Lack of focus on your needs and desires
he struggled to approach and talk to me - lack of social skills. Does he struggle at job interviews? And at communicating with the people he works with?
he became bitter and angry - negative emotional state. Over what? Nothing that logically deserved to get bitter and angry about
he told me that he was hoping i would start a conversation - lack of being pro-active on his part. Lack of maturity from him. All about what he wanted again. He wanted a comfortable, baby life, where everything came him. Instead of him thinking about what you'd want, which may well be a guy that takes the lead in starting conversations. Not just with you, but in other contexts too. Such as his work.
he was always in love with me - indication of an overly clingy, needy mindset. As well as him taking things too seriously.
he was blatantly staring at me in front of his then gf - that's a lack of class on his part. He should have introduced you to his girlfriend in a polite and friendly way.
He does stare at me quite a lot - indicates a guy that's stuck in his head too much. Inwardly focused too much. Lack of balance again. How about interest in you and the world around him?
he stood totally transfixed, staring at me - ditto. Also, what's with the staring on first meeting you? How about opening his mouth and breaking the ice with you? Especially if he was physically attracted to you.
he always made fierce eye contact - indication that he tends to dwell in the darker, lower emotional states. Anger, jealousy, sorrow, bitterness. The best men tend to dwell in the lighter, higher emotional states: contentment, joy, curiosity, enthusiasm, laughter.
yet struggling to articulate his feelings directly - trapped in his head
Our connection, however, was tumultuous; miscommunications - negative emotional states again. As well as poor communications skills
his defensive demeanor - negative emotional state. Trapped in his head. Thinking of his needs. Lack of focus on your needs and desires
he struggled to approach and talk to me - lack of social skills. Does he struggle at job interviews? And at communicating with the people he works with?
he became bitter and angry - negative emotional state. Over what? Nothing that logically deserved to get bitter and angry about
he told me that he was hoping i would start a conversation - lack of being pro-active on his part. Lack of maturity from him. All about what he wanted again. He wanted a comfortable, baby life, where everything came him. Instead of him thinking about what you'd want, which may well be a guy that takes the lead in starting conversations. Not just with you, but in other contexts too. Such as his work.
he was always in love with me - indication of an overly clingy, needy mindset. As well as him taking things too seriously.
he was blatantly staring at me in front of his then gf - that's a lack of class on his part. He should have introduced you to his girlfriend in a polite and friendly way.
I respect a lot of the advice you give, even when I don't agree with it, but this post is absolute nonsense, and is only going to unnecessarily sow seeds of doubt in the OP's mind. Even if everything you've quoted was guaranteed to be accurate, your conclusions based on individual comments are simply unsustainable in light of the lack of context. But as it happens, these are all either subjective perception from the OP, things that happened a long time ago when her boyfriend would certainly have been less mature and socially adept than he is now, or both. Really think you're very wide of the mark on this one and need to reassess your position here.
Reservation
a doubt or feeling of not being able to agree with or accept something completely:
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/reservation
I have a feeling that I am not able to accept completely that this guy is the right man for the original poster to be spending more time with. 😀
a doubt or feeling of not being able to agree with or accept something completely:
https://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/reservation
I have a feeling that I am not able to accept completely that this guy is the right man for the original poster to be spending more time with. 😀
Just a guy bundled with your thoughts and fantasies wanting to fulfill them.
Original post by Anonymous
I recently reconnected with my current bf after almost 8 years. We couldn't be together before but it was love at first sight back in 2017. Things did not progress to a relationship as circumstances got in the way. However, I met him again and we realised we still had feelings for each other. And decided to start our relationship. He is really caring and he does treat me very nicely.
We went on numerous dates etc and then he took me to Portsmouth for a 2 week getaway. He had booked a house there and we stayed there in a really nice place. The experience was simple. It was just eating, hanging out in the afternoons and sex. Loads of sex which was almost everyday. He wouldn't stay away from me even when driving back to London.
We didn't have sex before this trip. We were simply going on dates, getting to know each other and kissing etc for a month.
He does stare at me quite a lot and frequently compliments etc.
But I have a hard time trusting men as I have been hurt and objectified before and I don't know if this is love or lust.
What do you think?
He's 29 and I'm 33.
We went on numerous dates etc and then he took me to Portsmouth for a 2 week getaway. He had booked a house there and we stayed there in a really nice place. The experience was simple. It was just eating, hanging out in the afternoons and sex. Loads of sex which was almost everyday. He wouldn't stay away from me even when driving back to London.
We didn't have sex before this trip. We were simply going on dates, getting to know each other and kissing etc for a month.
He does stare at me quite a lot and frequently compliments etc.
But I have a hard time trusting men as I have been hurt and objectified before and I don't know if this is love or lust.
What do you think?
He's 29 and I'm 33.
He's exploring life; you're experienced.😎
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