Why did he lie?
I (20F) met my boyfriend (21M?) in Sep 2022. We hit it off and became official in Nov 2022 at which point I moved to be closer to him – it wasn’t a very far move, around 1.5hrs away from my family home. We met on a dating app and honestly everything was going really well until now.
He does a lot of sports and his university hosts quite a lot of sporting events that he would take part in. It’s a fairly prestigious UK uni and so quite a few people wanted to watch these events – so most of them are live streamed on the uni’s YouTube channel. The biggest event by far happens annually in the spring. He told me he would be taking part in some of the events and since I couldn’t watch in person (busy with my uni work) I thought I could just watch the stream instead. Some of his events weren’t streamed but the others were posted fine but … he wasn’t in them. This should’ve been the first red flag looking back. I know I should have asked him about it but I saw everything through rose-coloured glasses so I just rationalised it somehow to myself. This happened twice, once in 2023 and again this year – he wasn’t in his ‘events’ both years. Yet, he sent me pictures of him in these games or pictures his friends had taken of him during the events.
He said his dad is a *teacher and that his mum is a *lawyer earning a lot of money (not their real jobs). While doing the typical sleuthing, I couldn’t find either of his parents on any kind of bar list or on the staff list at his dads school. This again should have been a pink flag at least but I just dismissed it.
I could look past all this as just being a bit weird and maybe some outdated websites, but today I’m questioning everything I think I know about my man. He recently graduated (with a bachelor’s) this week and he sent me all the pictures and a short video of him walking across the stage. I couldn’t be there because there wasn’t enough tickets for me and his family but, again, it was live streamed on YouTube. HE WASN’T IN THE CEREMONY. Not only that but the video and pictures he sent me had completely different staff on stage. This I couldn’t rationalise. So I looked through the ceremonies from 2023 to just rule it out… but it turns out he ACTUALLY graduated last year. I didn’t notice until today but in the pictures he sent me, he was wearing a bracelet that BROKE sometime last autumn. The past year he has been working on his masters degree which I assume he actually graduated from this year. I’ve even backed this up on his LinkedIn profile where he posted he was starting his masters like 9 months ago to finish in August this year.
Now I don’t know what to think, how to feel or what to do. I have sooo many questions like;
How old actually are you?? When were you going to tell me? And generally, just why?
We had plans to move in together this autumn/winter but now I don’t know what to do about that since for the past nearly 2 years he’s lied to me. I don’t want to leave him because I genuinely love him so much and we were planning a future together, but I don’t know if I could ever fully trust anything he says now.
I don’t care if he’s an extra year older or anything like that, literally nothing would have changed if he’d have told me the truth from the start so I can’t wrap my head around why he’s lying to me. I’m seeing him later on today so hopefully I can get some semblance of an answer.
Anyone got any advice?
He does a lot of sports and his university hosts quite a lot of sporting events that he would take part in. It’s a fairly prestigious UK uni and so quite a few people wanted to watch these events – so most of them are live streamed on the uni’s YouTube channel. The biggest event by far happens annually in the spring. He told me he would be taking part in some of the events and since I couldn’t watch in person (busy with my uni work) I thought I could just watch the stream instead. Some of his events weren’t streamed but the others were posted fine but … he wasn’t in them. This should’ve been the first red flag looking back. I know I should have asked him about it but I saw everything through rose-coloured glasses so I just rationalised it somehow to myself. This happened twice, once in 2023 and again this year – he wasn’t in his ‘events’ both years. Yet, he sent me pictures of him in these games or pictures his friends had taken of him during the events.
He said his dad is a *teacher and that his mum is a *lawyer earning a lot of money (not their real jobs). While doing the typical sleuthing, I couldn’t find either of his parents on any kind of bar list or on the staff list at his dads school. This again should have been a pink flag at least but I just dismissed it.
I could look past all this as just being a bit weird and maybe some outdated websites, but today I’m questioning everything I think I know about my man. He recently graduated (with a bachelor’s) this week and he sent me all the pictures and a short video of him walking across the stage. I couldn’t be there because there wasn’t enough tickets for me and his family but, again, it was live streamed on YouTube. HE WASN’T IN THE CEREMONY. Not only that but the video and pictures he sent me had completely different staff on stage. This I couldn’t rationalise. So I looked through the ceremonies from 2023 to just rule it out… but it turns out he ACTUALLY graduated last year. I didn’t notice until today but in the pictures he sent me, he was wearing a bracelet that BROKE sometime last autumn. The past year he has been working on his masters degree which I assume he actually graduated from this year. I’ve even backed this up on his LinkedIn profile where he posted he was starting his masters like 9 months ago to finish in August this year.
Now I don’t know what to think, how to feel or what to do. I have sooo many questions like;
How old actually are you?? When were you going to tell me? And generally, just why?
We had plans to move in together this autumn/winter but now I don’t know what to do about that since for the past nearly 2 years he’s lied to me. I don’t want to leave him because I genuinely love him so much and we were planning a future together, but I don’t know if I could ever fully trust anything he says now.
I don’t care if he’s an extra year older or anything like that, literally nothing would have changed if he’d have told me the truth from the start so I can’t wrap my head around why he’s lying to me. I’m seeing him later on today so hopefully I can get some semblance of an answer.
Anyone got any advice?
If the ceremony was streamed, why don't you watch the previous years to spot him and say, 'I found a cool memory of you during uni'?
Everything online is a digital footprint.
He was probably shy to admit he completed his university studies a year prior and didn't want you to worry.
You state that some of the events were not live-streamed, and you think this could be a red flag. I wonder if you remember the days when things were not live-streamed, people didn't have phones to capture every memory, and many of us believed what we heard from others as truth or 'oh, I get you' moments.
In summary, at least it was only a year difference, not 5 or 10.
Everything online is a digital footprint.
He was probably shy to admit he completed his university studies a year prior and didn't want you to worry.
You state that some of the events were not live-streamed, and you think this could be a red flag. I wonder if you remember the days when things were not live-streamed, people didn't have phones to capture every memory, and many of us believed what we heard from others as truth or 'oh, I get you' moments.
In summary, at least it was only a year difference, not 5 or 10.
Just seems to be a silly white lie that has spiralled out of control.
Original post by Adz2042
If the ceremony was streamed, why don't you watch the previous years to spot him and say, 'I found a cool memory of you during uni'?
Everything online is a digital footprint.
He was probably shy to admit he completed his university studies a year prior and didn't want you to worry.
You state that some of the events were not live-streamed, and you think this could be a red flag. I wonder if you remember the days when things were not live-streamed, people didn't have phones to capture every memory, and many of us believed what we heard from others as truth or 'oh, I get you' moments.
In summary, at least it was only a year difference, not 5 or 10.
Everything online is a digital footprint.
He was probably shy to admit he completed his university studies a year prior and didn't want you to worry.
You state that some of the events were not live-streamed, and you think this could be a red flag. I wonder if you remember the days when things were not live-streamed, people didn't have phones to capture every memory, and many of us believed what we heard from others as truth or 'oh, I get you' moments.
In summary, at least it was only a year difference, not 5 or 10.
See I really want to be nice about it and bring it up like that but idk I just feel angry that I've been lied to, I feel like when I try talking to him about it I'll get angry and cry.
I do remember when things didn't have such a big digital footprint yes, I didn't mean that when he wasn't in the events that in itself should be a reg flag just that what he was telling me wasn't happing if you understand what I mean..
It's not the age thing I care about I'm just devastated I've been lied to my face for 2 years and he just kept making up more lies to cover his tracks - as recently as a few days ago.
Original post by Admit-One
Just seems to be a silly white lie that has spiralled out of control.
I don't think it would constitute a white lie though in my eyes, a white lie to me is more like 'oh that was diet coke' when it was full sugar
If he lied about being 18 when he was 17 I could get that but there's no reason to lie about being 19 when you're 20
Idk if I'm being unreasonable here but it feels like a big thing to me
Pathological liar. Red flag. Dump him asap
or you risk ruining your life. You would say the same the same to one of your friends who was going through this.
or you risk ruining your life. You would say the same the same to one of your friends who was going through this.
Original post by Anonymous
I don't think it would constitute a white lie though in my eyes, a white lie to me is more like 'oh that was diet coke' when it was full sugar
If he lied about being 18 when he was 17 I could get that but there's no reason to lie about being 19 when you're 20
Idk if I'm being unreasonable here but it feels like a big thing to me
If he lied about being 18 when he was 17 I could get that but there's no reason to lie about being 19 when you're 20
Idk if I'm being unreasonable here but it feels like a big thing to me
The original lie about a one year difference in age is a white lie, it's of no consequence to most people.
Everything after that is decidedly weird and a lot of people would run a mile.
Original post by Admit-One
The original lie about a one year difference in age is a white lie, it's of no consequence to most people.
Everything after that is decidedly weird and a lot of people would run a mile.
Everything after that is decidedly weird and a lot of people would run a mile.
Maybe it's just me then idk that felt like the biggest lie to me
So as a little update I spoke with him yesterday in person and he said that basically he started uni a year early (at 17 instead of 18) as part of a 4 year 'integrated program' which included a masters at his uni. Which I googled and it's legit program with the uni. He said he didn't want me to think of him as a 'nerd' (he has insecurities about that) and that he's 'supposed to be an athlete not some try-hard on special programs' - his words.
I felt weird about it but asked to see his ID and it said 2002 so that validates his age is actually what I thought and that he's just started uni early and not told me, and just changed the years/ages of when he did stuff.
I asked when he was going to tell me all this and he said probably when we moved in together later this year.
I don't feel as panicked as I did when I found this all out yesterday but I mean it still doesn't feel great. I've given him another chance but made it very clear if he lied to me again like this there would be real consequences.
Did I do the right thing?
I felt weird about it but asked to see his ID and it said 2002 so that validates his age is actually what I thought and that he's just started uni early and not told me, and just changed the years/ages of when he did stuff.
I asked when he was going to tell me all this and he said probably when we moved in together later this year.
I don't feel as panicked as I did when I found this all out yesterday but I mean it still doesn't feel great. I've given him another chance but made it very clear if he lied to me again like this there would be real consequences.
Did I do the right thing?
Original post by Anonymous
So as a little update I spoke with him yesterday in person and he said that basically he started uni a year early (at 17 instead of 18) as part of a 4 year 'integrated program' which included a masters at his uni. Which I googled and it's legit program with the uni. He said he didn't want me to think of him as a 'nerd' (he has insecurities about that) and that he's 'supposed to be an athlete not some try-hard on special programs' - his words.
I felt weird about it but asked to see his ID and it said 2002 so that validates his age is actually what I thought and that he's just started uni early and not told me, and just changed the years/ages of when he did stuff.
I asked when he was going to tell me all this and he said probably when we moved in together later this year.
I don't feel as panicked as I did when I found this all out yesterday but I mean it still doesn't feel great. I've given him another chance but made it very clear if he lied to me again like this there would be real consequences.
Did I do the right thing?
I felt weird about it but asked to see his ID and it said 2002 so that validates his age is actually what I thought and that he's just started uni early and not told me, and just changed the years/ages of when he did stuff.
I asked when he was going to tell me all this and he said probably when we moved in together later this year.
I don't feel as panicked as I did when I found this all out yesterday but I mean it still doesn't feel great. I've given him another chance but made it very clear if he lied to me again like this there would be real consequences.
Did I do the right thing?
If you trust him, then yes, that's the right move.
His story adds up, but I'm just concerned that it's a bit immature on his part. Not sure how you can be that age and be that concerned over what people think. Everyone studying at uni is an academic nerd in one way or another.
I mean he’s never given me an opportunity to distrust himbefore which is probably why this whole thing freaked meout so much.
He doesn’t open up about his insecurities to me easily butfrom what I can gather it’s not necessarily how people seehim but how he sees himself I think.
But thank you for your comments it’s been really helpful tohave people’s views
He doesn’t open up about his insecurities to me easily butfrom what I can gather it’s not necessarily how people seehim but how he sees himself I think.
But thank you for your comments it’s been really helpful tohave people’s views
Original post by Anonymous
So as a little update I spoke with him yesterday in person and he said that basically he started uni a year early (at 17 instead of 18) as part of a 4 year 'integrated program' which included a masters at his uni. Which I googled and it's legit program with the uni. He said he didn't want me to think of him as a 'nerd' (he has insecurities about that) and that he's 'supposed to be an athlete not some try-hard on special programs' - his words.
I felt weird about it but asked to see his ID and it said 2002 so that validates his age is actually what I thought and that he's just started uni early and not told me, and just changed the years/ages of when he did stuff.
I asked when he was going to tell me all this and he said probably when we moved in together later this year.
I don't feel as panicked as I did when I found this all out yesterday but I mean it still doesn't feel great. I've given him another chance but made it very clear if he lied to me again like this there would be real consequences.
Did I do the right thing?
I felt weird about it but asked to see his ID and it said 2002 so that validates his age is actually what I thought and that he's just started uni early and not told me, and just changed the years/ages of when he did stuff.
I asked when he was going to tell me all this and he said probably when we moved in together later this year.
I don't feel as panicked as I did when I found this all out yesterday but I mean it still doesn't feel great. I've given him another chance but made it very clear if he lied to me again like this there would be real consequences.
Did I do the right thing?
Time will tell but starting your relationship with a a series of lies does not bode well. Who knows what else he has lied about. My advice would be to cut your losses and move on. Alternatively take the risk and hope for the best.
This thread is hilarious. There's something very funny about hopeless liars.
As a thought experiment, assume he's a compulsive liar. Along the lines of what we've come to expect from political leaders.
And that he will remain a compulsive liar for the rest of life. Would he still be a man you'd want to share the rest of your life with? If the answer is yes, you should stay with him and just adjust everything he says in your mind to it being a grey area. Maybe true, maybe not; probably not.
If the answer is no, you should dump him. Because when you come across the right man for you, he could have a huge ridiculous downside to him and he'd still be good enough to share lots of adventures and mini adventures with.
As a thought experiment, assume he's a compulsive liar. Along the lines of what we've come to expect from political leaders.
And that he will remain a compulsive liar for the rest of life. Would he still be a man you'd want to share the rest of your life with? If the answer is yes, you should stay with him and just adjust everything he says in your mind to it being a grey area. Maybe true, maybe not; probably not.
If the answer is no, you should dump him. Because when you come across the right man for you, he could have a huge ridiculous downside to him and he'd still be good enough to share lots of adventures and mini adventures with.
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
This thread is hilarious. There's something very funny about hopeless liars.
As a thought experiment, assume he's a compulsive liar. Along the lines of what we've come to expect from political leaders.
And that he will remain a compulsive liar for the rest of life. Would he still be a man you'd want to share the rest of your life with? If the answer is yes, you should stay with him and just adjust everything he says in your mind to it being a grey area. Maybe true, maybe not; probably not.
If the answer is no, you should dump him. Because when you come across the right man for you, he could have a huge ridiculous downside to him and he'd still be good enough to share lots of adventures and mini adventures with.
As a thought experiment, assume he's a compulsive liar. Along the lines of what we've come to expect from political leaders.
And that he will remain a compulsive liar for the rest of life. Would he still be a man you'd want to share the rest of your life with? If the answer is yes, you should stay with him and just adjust everything he says in your mind to it being a grey area. Maybe true, maybe not; probably not.
If the answer is no, you should dump him. Because when you come across the right man for you, he could have a huge ridiculous downside to him and he'd still be good enough to share lots of adventures and mini adventures with.
Very well said.
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
This thread is hilarious. There's something very funny about hopeless liars.
As a thought experiment, assume he's a compulsive liar. Along the lines of what we've come to expect from political leaders.
And that he will remain a compulsive liar for the rest of life. Would he still be a man you'd want to share the rest of your life with? If the answer is yes, you should stay with him and just adjust everything he says in your mind to it being a grey area. Maybe true, maybe not; probably not.
If the answer is no, you should dump him. Because when you come across the right man for you, he could have a huge ridiculous downside to him and he'd still be good enough to share lots of adventures and mini adventures with.
As a thought experiment, assume he's a compulsive liar. Along the lines of what we've come to expect from political leaders.
And that he will remain a compulsive liar for the rest of life. Would he still be a man you'd want to share the rest of your life with? If the answer is yes, you should stay with him and just adjust everything he says in your mind to it being a grey area. Maybe true, maybe not; probably not.
If the answer is no, you should dump him. Because when you come across the right man for you, he could have a huge ridiculous downside to him and he'd still be good enough to share lots of adventures and mini adventures with.
If I wasn't experiencing this myself I would agree, it's so pathetic if I don't laugh I'll cry.
I would also say this is technically my first serious adult relationship, I had a few in my late teens but nothing like this, so maybe I'm just naive as to when to call it quits idk.
I just find it so hard to grapple with planning a life together, looking at places to move into etc. but at the same time knowing he's just carrying on a really weird string of lies that make no sense to lie about??
At this point this is more of a rant thread and to get other opinions since I'm pretty inexperienced in this kinda lark, I like to think of myself as a logical person but his 'reasons' why just don't sit right with me somehow.
Original post by Anonymous
If I wasn't experiencing this myself I would agree, it's so pathetic if I don't laugh I'll cry.
I would also say this is technically my first serious adult relationship, I had a few in my late teens but nothing like this, so maybe I'm just naive as to when to call it quits idk.
I just find it so hard to grapple with planning a life together, looking at places to move into etc. but at the same time knowing he's just carrying on a really weird string of lies that make no sense to lie about??
At this point this is more of a rant thread and to get other opinions since I'm pretty inexperienced in this kinda lark, I like to think of myself as a logical person but his 'reasons' why just don't sit right with me somehow.
I would also say this is technically my first serious adult relationship, I had a few in my late teens but nothing like this, so maybe I'm just naive as to when to call it quits idk.
I just find it so hard to grapple with planning a life together, looking at places to move into etc. but at the same time knowing he's just carrying on a really weird string of lies that make no sense to lie about??
At this point this is more of a rant thread and to get other opinions since I'm pretty inexperienced in this kinda lark, I like to think of myself as a logical person but his 'reasons' why just don't sit right with me somehow.
It is unlikely that this will be your last adult relationship and that you will end up spending the rest of your life with this guy. In that basis cut your losses and dump him. You will find the right guy in due course. Think about this logicially rather than emotionally.
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