need help w bf

my boyfriend had always told me he only found me attractive. i told him from the very start not to watch p0rn bc i hate it. he did anyway for 10 months not realising it was bad. when he did he stopped. i eventually found out (he told me.) and he told me that he never found them attractive and that he just did it to imagine me. as time has gone on he has remembered more. he searched for specific girls, he found them attractive n he didn’t always imagine me etc etc so that’s great. this is the first part that hurts, one bc i asked him not to, and also the fact that h said he didn’t find anyone else attractive. he said he never lied to me and it was like he was he was a different person around he n he never found anyone attractive then.
my next issue is he found this girl attractive. i found out everything in march 2024, he told me he’d changed. he found this girl attractive. and he tried to impress her and wanted her attention. which is crazy because i gave him the world and that hurts.
he also used to get in better positions to see girls arses, and sometimes would even walk back to see them.
he said he didn’t realise he wanted to impress the girl but looking back he probably was. he doesn’t look at girls anymore or watch that and i know he sounds like a bad person here but he was always the nicest person he bought me anything i wanted he kisses me everywhere does whatever i want he does genuinely love me but im struggling to let go of the past. should i give him a chance or should i let go

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

I would let go.

It seems that you are focusing too much on the positives rather than the negatives. However, the negatives appear to hold much more weight which is making you feel this way.

The best advice I can give is to block him. Once you have been dating for so long, you begin to view his behaviours as normal. Reading this, the way he treats you is not normal. Instead, I would suggest being single for a while to work on self-confidence and understand that you are worth more than a person who gives you kisses and lots of gifts - anyone can do that. Waiting for a person who can treat you well and listen to you will prove much better.

I know in the moment it might feel as if there is nobody better, but the truth is that you will find someone. When I was not looking for anyone, one of the best relationships I have ever had came across. It stemmed from a friendship I had made which later turned into attraction. Do not search to find love, let it find you naturally.

When you end things with him, you will feel awful for a while. This is because there is a chemical imbalance when breakups happen where you strive for care and love. Do not let him back into your life since it's clear you have given enough chances.

Good luck with everything!

Reply 2

Zarek

So, you don’t stop finding other people attractive, just because you’re in a relationship. That’s an unreasonable expectation. What you don’t do is act on it, or indeed act in disrespectful ways recollecting the details with your partner. You seem to want to give it another go and perhaps he’s mended his ways. Let him know there’s to be no more of this and then move forward

(edited 2 months ago)

Reply 3

leahmae2024

Original post by Anonymous

I would let go.
It seems that you are focusing too much on the positives rather than the negatives. However, the negatives appear to hold much more weight which is making you feel this way.
The best advice I can give is to block him. Once you have been dating for so long, you begin to view his behaviours as normal. Reading this, the way he treats you is not normal. Instead, I would suggest being single for a while to work on self-confidence and understand that you are worth more than a person who gives you kisses and lots of gifts - anyone can do that. Waiting for a person who can treat you well and listen to you will prove much better.
I know in the moment it might feel as if there is nobody better, but the truth is that you will find someone. When I was not looking for anyone, one of the best relationships I have ever had came across. It stemmed from a friendship I had made which later turned into attraction. Do not search to find love, let it find you naturally.
When you end things with him, you will feel awful for a while. This is because there is a chemical imbalance when breakups happen where you strive for care and love. Do not let him back into your life since it's clear you have given enough chances.
Good luck with everything!

honestly i don’t think i can explain he is the best boyfriend like i could not be treated any better. he literally will do anything for me, everything i like, always make time for me, cancels doing things to see me, i always have massages, sings to me when im sad, this boy genuinely does everything now. he isn’t the way he was anymore he has changed and he doesn’t see his ways as normal and he honestly hates himself for what he has done and wants to do better. he has genuinely changed which leaves me wondering if i should stay, i would leave in a second if he did anything and he knows that. it’s hard because im just hurt but i genuinely do love him

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by Zarek

i didn’t expect him to do that, he told me he did so then i got used to the idea of him never finding a girl attractive, im hurt that i got used to that and now it isn’t true, its hard to get used to it when i believed it for so long. and also he recollected because i have really bad anxiety and i need to know so i ask him loads of stupid questions and since he doesn’t want to lie he tells me the honest truth, which is my fault i know but. he has 1000% changed into a completely different and good person, but im finding it hard to move on, do you have any tips?

Reply 5

Dunnig Kruger

Eat more home-made tomato soup! And lots of cherries - that are in season now.
And all the other wonderful unprocessed plant based foods that are good for enhancing your mood.
Do some form of exercise for a few minutes a few times a week where you pulse is racing and you're out of breath.

That's the physical stuff that - according to the science - has a good chance of elevating your mood.

Then it's a case of working on the mental stuff to overcome your anxiety. Taking yourself less seriously, being less perfectionist, using negative stuff that happens as the ingredients for amusing anecdotes, being more pragmatic, focusing on the positives more. Face down your fears. Take a zoomed out look at your life.
Read Dale Carnegie's How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.

If I were to say to you "Don't look at the Ferrari that's parked outside the window." what would your reaction be and what would you be thinking?
Every time you ask or tell your boyfriend to not look at other girls, what's he going to be thinking and feeling?
Every time you tell him not to get attracted to other women, what's he going to think and feel?

Don't think of the pink elephant.
Don't think of the pink elephant!
DON'T think of the pink elephant!
Don't THINK of the pink elephant!
Don't think of the pink ELEPHANT!

Whatever you do, don't mention the war!

Your boyfriend has been spinning you a lot of lies. His lies are entirely understandable due to your unreasonableness on this issue. Every man in the world will find other women attractive. Just as every woman in the world will find other men attractive.
It's fine. It's still possible to have a faithful, loving, genuine, one on one, exclusive, till death do you part relationship in these circumstances. Billions of people worldwide are in such a relationship.

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

Original post by Dunnig Kruger

Eat more home-made tomato soup! And lots of cherries - that are in season now.
And all the other wonderful unprocessed plant based foods that are good for enhancing your mood.
Do some form of exercise for a few minutes a few times a week where you pulse is racing and you're out of breath.
That's the physical stuff that - according to the science - has a good chance of elevating your mood.
Then it's a case of working on the mental stuff to overcome your anxiety. Taking yourself less seriously, being less perfectionist, using negative stuff that happens as the ingredients for amusing anecdotes, being more pragmatic, focusing on the positives more. Face down your fears. Take a zoomed out look at your life.
Read Dale Carnegie's How to Stop Worrying and Start Living.
If I were to say to you "Don't look at the Ferrari that's parked outside the window." what would your reaction be and what would you be thinking?
Every time you ask or tell your boyfriend to not look at other girls, what's he going to be thinking and feeling?
Every time you tell him not to get attracted to other women, what's he going to think and feel?
Don't think of the pink elephant.
Don't think of the pink elephant!
DON'T think of the pink elephant!
Don't THINK of the pink elephant!
Don't think of the pink ELEPHANT!
Whatever you do, don't mention the war!
Your boyfriend has been spinning you a lot of lies. His lies are entirely understandable due to your unreasonableness on this issue. Every man in the world will find other women attractive. Just as every woman in the world will find other men attractive.
It's fine. It's still possible to have a faithful, loving, genuine, one on one, exclusive, till death do you part relationship in these circumstances. Billions of people worldwide are in such a relationship.

i honestly would’ve never cared if he didn’t tell me in the first place he didn’t. he mentioned it first not me. and that was because around me he never has and he never does. and thankyou i am being a nervous wreck lately and can’t last a day without having a full breakdown for hours. i really appreciate all the things you’ve told me