GCSE English language mark
I’m in year 10, I know what paper 1 question 5 for English language AQA was, so I wrote a response to it. Pls mark out of 40 and also feedback would be good.
—————————————————
A large bicycle swiftly strode past me almost knocking me to the chalky pavement below while charmingly revealing the big, busy, bustling city ahead. An electrifying jolt of energy rushed through my veins.
My eyes shifted around to the gargantuan monsters ahead of me with shiny, glazed windows gleaming in the distance like fairy palaces.
The cacophony filled my ears as the sea of people flowed around me in all different directions, laughing, smiling, beaming while carrying their large, luxurious shopping bags.
Click.
Slowly tapping my heel onto the clamorous crescent I began to steadily walk as the memories came rushing back to me: memories of love, memories of family but worst of all…
Memories of the disagreement. The disagreement that caused me to be driven out of my own home; this city.
I remember the early mornings where my mother soothingly brushed my hair, pulling back my lock while the early morning dawn casted a jubilant scent of jollity on my face. I remember rushing out the door into the wide open garden; hearing the bluebirds release sweet chirps while walking through these very streets where the adults faces merrily lit up while exchanging ‘Good Mornings’. But those were just memories.
Not reality.
A salty droplet suddenly pricked my eyes but was swiftly wiped away along with the arcane memories. My gaze shifted to a small family of four. A boy was gaily sitting on the bench while his light hair danced in the wind, a small chocolate ice cream was placed elaborately in his bijou hand which was soon smeared across his face. Suddenly a slightly larger hand reached up and attempted to grab it but failed, the boy was too swift.
I looked up to the indignant girl who had failed at her task, her brown hair was elegantly braided to the side of her head.
The sun glasses once on her head rolled down onto the floor in a furious manner and my eyes caught hers: blue like the briny. Suddenly her face illuminated with a pleasant smile, I could feel the corners of my mouth creep up into a jubilant grin.
My eyes shifted to a man and a woman behind them: arguing, disagreeing, pointing at a map, indignantly stomping their feet on the ground.
But something was different…
As I looked up into the sky the once beautiful painting of orange, red, pink and purple delicately painted across the sky was now replaced with grey, solemn clouds slowly creeping in, killing every scent of jollity that once wafted through the air and stealing every scent of comfort that wafted through the air; much like a robber in a jewellers shop.
The air was dead silent.
“RUN!”
A man screamed behind me as his voice expeditiously drowned out in the array of shrieking, scared screams.The once bustling city filled with joy was now bustling with overwhelming fear.
As I looked behind me, my heart stopped.
Green, grotesque bodies emerged from the intoxicating grey smoke, their thin skin peeling off to reveal the disgusting fragments of their skull filling me with a sense of undeniable, gross displeasure.
Was this my fault?
There was no denying it, of course it was because of the disagreement. That disagreement.
Suddenly turning back around shock pulsated through my veins as where the once merry little girl sat, a crimson, warm, dark pool replaced her.
This was the cause of a disagreement.
My disagreement.
—————————————————
A large bicycle swiftly strode past me almost knocking me to the chalky pavement below while charmingly revealing the big, busy, bustling city ahead. An electrifying jolt of energy rushed through my veins.
My eyes shifted around to the gargantuan monsters ahead of me with shiny, glazed windows gleaming in the distance like fairy palaces.
The cacophony filled my ears as the sea of people flowed around me in all different directions, laughing, smiling, beaming while carrying their large, luxurious shopping bags.
Click.
Slowly tapping my heel onto the clamorous crescent I began to steadily walk as the memories came rushing back to me: memories of love, memories of family but worst of all…
Memories of the disagreement. The disagreement that caused me to be driven out of my own home; this city.
I remember the early mornings where my mother soothingly brushed my hair, pulling back my lock while the early morning dawn casted a jubilant scent of jollity on my face. I remember rushing out the door into the wide open garden; hearing the bluebirds release sweet chirps while walking through these very streets where the adults faces merrily lit up while exchanging ‘Good Mornings’. But those were just memories.
Not reality.
A salty droplet suddenly pricked my eyes but was swiftly wiped away along with the arcane memories. My gaze shifted to a small family of four. A boy was gaily sitting on the bench while his light hair danced in the wind, a small chocolate ice cream was placed elaborately in his bijou hand which was soon smeared across his face. Suddenly a slightly larger hand reached up and attempted to grab it but failed, the boy was too swift.
I looked up to the indignant girl who had failed at her task, her brown hair was elegantly braided to the side of her head.
The sun glasses once on her head rolled down onto the floor in a furious manner and my eyes caught hers: blue like the briny. Suddenly her face illuminated with a pleasant smile, I could feel the corners of my mouth creep up into a jubilant grin.
My eyes shifted to a man and a woman behind them: arguing, disagreeing, pointing at a map, indignantly stomping their feet on the ground.
But something was different…
As I looked up into the sky the once beautiful painting of orange, red, pink and purple delicately painted across the sky was now replaced with grey, solemn clouds slowly creeping in, killing every scent of jollity that once wafted through the air and stealing every scent of comfort that wafted through the air; much like a robber in a jewellers shop.
The air was dead silent.
“RUN!”
A man screamed behind me as his voice expeditiously drowned out in the array of shrieking, scared screams.The once bustling city filled with joy was now bustling with overwhelming fear.
As I looked behind me, my heart stopped.
Green, grotesque bodies emerged from the intoxicating grey smoke, their thin skin peeling off to reveal the disgusting fragments of their skull filling me with a sense of undeniable, gross displeasure.
Was this my fault?
There was no denying it, of course it was because of the disagreement. That disagreement.
Suddenly turning back around shock pulsated through my veins as where the once merry little girl sat, a crimson, warm, dark pool replaced her.
This was the cause of a disagreement.
My disagreement.
There’s some repetition in your vocabulary (I’m not clear on if this is a failed attempt to use repetition for emphasis) like words like indignant wafted and elegant which should be avoided
There’s a lot of excellent ambitious vocabulary in here but sometimes it’s used overly or incorrectly so make sure to know the meanings of the words you use like jubilant and bijou as they make the meanings of your writing a little unclear.
Fantastic use of varied paragraph length for effect
Great subject terminology, focused descriptions and imagery throughout
‘Cause of a disagreement’ is a bit ambiguous so make sure to proof read your word to make sure it makes sense
Lots of varied punctuation and sentence lengths, broadly used correctly
I think i would give this around 33 out of 40, amazing job!
There’s a lot of excellent ambitious vocabulary in here but sometimes it’s used overly or incorrectly so make sure to know the meanings of the words you use like jubilant and bijou as they make the meanings of your writing a little unclear.
Fantastic use of varied paragraph length for effect
Great subject terminology, focused descriptions and imagery throughout
‘Cause of a disagreement’ is a bit ambiguous so make sure to proof read your word to make sure it makes sense
Lots of varied punctuation and sentence lengths, broadly used correctly
I think i would give this around 33 out of 40, amazing job!
Reply 2
Original post by Anonymous
I’m in year 10, I know what paper 1 question 5 for English language AQA was, so I wrote a response to it. Pls mark out of 40 and also feedback would be good.
—————————————————
A large bicycle swiftly strode past me almost knocking me to the chalky pavement below while charmingly revealing the big, busy, bustling city ahead. An electrifying jolt of energy rushed through my veins.
My eyes shifted around to the gargantuan monsters ahead of me with shiny, glazed windows gleaming in the distance like fairy palaces.
The cacophony filled my ears as the sea of people flowed around me in all different directions, laughing, smiling, beaming while carrying their large, luxurious shopping bags.
Click.
Slowly tapping my heel onto the clamorous crescent I began to steadily walk as the memories came rushing back to me: memories of love, memories of family but worst of all…
Memories of the disagreement. The disagreement that caused me to be driven out of my own home; this city.
I remember the early mornings where my mother soothingly brushed my hair, pulling back my lock while the early morning dawn casted a jubilant scent of jollity on my face. I remember rushing out the door into the wide open garden; hearing the bluebirds release sweet chirps while walking through these very streets where the adults faces merrily lit up while exchanging ‘Good Mornings’. But those were just memories.
Not reality.
A salty droplet suddenly pricked my eyes but was swiftly wiped away along with the arcane memories. My gaze shifted to a small family of four. A boy was gaily sitting on the bench while his light hair danced in the wind, a small chocolate ice cream was placed elaborately in his bijou hand which was soon smeared across his face. Suddenly a slightly larger hand reached up and attempted to grab it but failed, the boy was too swift.
I looked up to the indignant girl who had failed at her task, her brown hair was elegantly braided to the side of her head.
The sun glasses once on her head rolled down onto the floor in a furious manner and my eyes caught hers: blue like the briny. Suddenly her face illuminated with a pleasant smile, I could feel the corners of my mouth creep up into a jubilant grin.
My eyes shifted to a man and a woman behind them: arguing, disagreeing, pointing at a map, indignantly stomping their feet on the ground.
But something was different…
As I looked up into the sky the once beautiful painting of orange, red, pink and purple delicately painted across the sky was now replaced with grey, solemn clouds slowly creeping in, killing every scent of jollity that once wafted through the air and stealing every scent of comfort that wafted through the air; much like a robber in a jewellers shop.
The air was dead silent.
“RUN!”
A man screamed behind me as his voice expeditiously drowned out in the array of shrieking, scared screams.The once bustling city filled with joy was now bustling with overwhelming fear.
As I looked behind me, my heart stopped.
Green, grotesque bodies emerged from the intoxicating grey smoke, their thin skin peeling off to reveal the disgusting fragments of their skull filling me with a sense of undeniable, gross displeasure.
Was this my fault?
There was no denying it, of course it was because of the disagreement. That disagreement.
Suddenly turning back around shock pulsated through my veins as where the once merry little girl sat, a crimson, warm, dark pool replaced her.
This was the cause of a disagreement.
My disagreement.
—————————————————
A large bicycle swiftly strode past me almost knocking me to the chalky pavement below while charmingly revealing the big, busy, bustling city ahead. An electrifying jolt of energy rushed through my veins.
My eyes shifted around to the gargantuan monsters ahead of me with shiny, glazed windows gleaming in the distance like fairy palaces.
The cacophony filled my ears as the sea of people flowed around me in all different directions, laughing, smiling, beaming while carrying their large, luxurious shopping bags.
Click.
Slowly tapping my heel onto the clamorous crescent I began to steadily walk as the memories came rushing back to me: memories of love, memories of family but worst of all…
Memories of the disagreement. The disagreement that caused me to be driven out of my own home; this city.
I remember the early mornings where my mother soothingly brushed my hair, pulling back my lock while the early morning dawn casted a jubilant scent of jollity on my face. I remember rushing out the door into the wide open garden; hearing the bluebirds release sweet chirps while walking through these very streets where the adults faces merrily lit up while exchanging ‘Good Mornings’. But those were just memories.
Not reality.
A salty droplet suddenly pricked my eyes but was swiftly wiped away along with the arcane memories. My gaze shifted to a small family of four. A boy was gaily sitting on the bench while his light hair danced in the wind, a small chocolate ice cream was placed elaborately in his bijou hand which was soon smeared across his face. Suddenly a slightly larger hand reached up and attempted to grab it but failed, the boy was too swift.
I looked up to the indignant girl who had failed at her task, her brown hair was elegantly braided to the side of her head.
The sun glasses once on her head rolled down onto the floor in a furious manner and my eyes caught hers: blue like the briny. Suddenly her face illuminated with a pleasant smile, I could feel the corners of my mouth creep up into a jubilant grin.
My eyes shifted to a man and a woman behind them: arguing, disagreeing, pointing at a map, indignantly stomping their feet on the ground.
But something was different…
As I looked up into the sky the once beautiful painting of orange, red, pink and purple delicately painted across the sky was now replaced with grey, solemn clouds slowly creeping in, killing every scent of jollity that once wafted through the air and stealing every scent of comfort that wafted through the air; much like a robber in a jewellers shop.
The air was dead silent.
“RUN!”
A man screamed behind me as his voice expeditiously drowned out in the array of shrieking, scared screams.The once bustling city filled with joy was now bustling with overwhelming fear.
As I looked behind me, my heart stopped.
Green, grotesque bodies emerged from the intoxicating grey smoke, their thin skin peeling off to reveal the disgusting fragments of their skull filling me with a sense of undeniable, gross displeasure.
Was this my fault?
There was no denying it, of course it was because of the disagreement. That disagreement.
Suddenly turning back around shock pulsated through my veins as where the once merry little girl sat, a crimson, warm, dark pool replaced her.
This was the cause of a disagreement.
My disagreement.
its honestly a great piece of writing that would probably carry you toward a 9 but the only thing is how predictable it is when you use short scentances - as in they're great but they range to about 5 lines away from eachother making it repetative...solid 35/40 though!
Reply 3
The descriptions are really good, but in a way it reads like a list of disconnected scenes. Descriptions of the boy and the girl sweep by way too fast that it's difficult to gauge what the purpose of their inclusions were. Also the line "an electrifying jolt of energy rushed through my veins" doesn't merge with the scene you're trying to set. Some of it doesn't make much sense either, like how can a car that strides past you and almost knock you to the ground reveal a big, busy and bustling city? I do like the mood transition within the piece though.
When I was your age I usually wrote to try to impress the reader with flowery language, but you should only try to impress yourself. I know you want the best grades and I hope you do succeed and your writing will certainly improve in time, yet try to reign it in. If you read books regularly, make a note of how your favourite authors set scenes and immerse with their descriptions, this way you should be able to identify and then improve your writing with your own flare. To be honest, I don't think I wrote with the same sharpness of vocabulary you've showcased here.
As for a grade I'd probably say a 32/40.
When I was your age I usually wrote to try to impress the reader with flowery language, but you should only try to impress yourself. I know you want the best grades and I hope you do succeed and your writing will certainly improve in time, yet try to reign it in. If you read books regularly, make a note of how your favourite authors set scenes and immerse with their descriptions, this way you should be able to identify and then improve your writing with your own flare. To be honest, I don't think I wrote with the same sharpness of vocabulary you've showcased here.
As for a grade I'd probably say a 32/40.
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