The Student Room Group

I’m so nervous about socialising at uni that I’m considering withdrawing my place.

To start, I think it’s important to note that I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and also generalised anxiety disorder. I know this plays a major role in how I’m feeling.

I’ve never had any friends at all. Not in primary school, not in secondary school. In fact, during secondary, I would sit alone during every lesson, every lunch etc. I often ate my lunch in the library or the bathroom to avoid people. I was mocked relentlessly, people really disliked me, and I didn’t have any friends.

Same went for college. In fact, I was so lonely in college that I ended up dropping out because I couldn’t cope with being alone, and I did an online access course instead.

I wish I was exaggerating or being dramatic. The only person I talk to outside of my family is my boyfriend.

I got accepted to university, my place is confirmed. Leading up I felt super excited about it. I’ve been doing my preparations, I joined group chats etc.

But I’ve not managed to do anything in these chats. Watching other people talk and make friends has just opened up a lot in my stomach.

I truly just think I’m incapable of socialising well enough to make actual friends. I don’t have any, never have had any. I’m considering withdrawing my place in uni. My logic being i’d rather be lonely at home with my family than be lonely alone with a bunch of strangers that are all friends with each other.

I’m not worried about anything else at uni except the socialising. I don’t know how to talk to people or how to make friends. My boyfriend has been talking me out of withdrawing all day today, but I feel limited in my options.

I’ve bought tickets to two fresher events, I’m sure I’ll probably go to neither because I hate going out.

I just fear it’s going to be a repeat of every other stage of my life. Alone.
Original post by Anonymous
To start, I think it’s important to note that I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and also generalised anxiety disorder. I know this plays a major role in how I’m feeling.
I’ve never had any friends at all. Not in primary school, not in secondary school. In fact, during secondary, I would sit alone during every lesson, every lunch etc. I often ate my lunch in the library or the bathroom to avoid people. I was mocked relentlessly, people really disliked me, and I didn’t have any friends.
Same went for college. In fact, I was so lonely in college that I ended up dropping out because I couldn’t cope with being alone, and I did an online access course instead.
I wish I was exaggerating or being dramatic. The only person I talk to outside of my family is my boyfriend.
I got accepted to university, my place is confirmed. Leading up I felt super excited about it. I’ve been doing my preparations, I joined group chats etc.
But I’ve not managed to do anything in these chats. Watching other people talk and make friends has just opened up a lot in my stomach.
I truly just think I’m incapable of socialising well enough to make actual friends. I don’t have any, never have had any. I’m considering withdrawing my place in uni. My logic being i’d rather be lonely at home with my family than be lonely alone with a bunch of strangers that are all friends with each other.
I’m not worried about anything else at uni except the socialising. I don’t know how to talk to people or how to make friends. My boyfriend has been talking me out of withdrawing all day today, but I feel limited in my options.
I’ve bought tickets to two fresher events, I’m sure I’ll probably go to neither because I hate going out.
I just fear it’s going to be a repeat of every other stage of my life. Alone.

Hm, it is possible to learn that stuff. And it is possibly not what you want to hear, but might be helpful to start later and first get your social game up to scale? So that you can enjoy it more?

That said, the advantage of university can be, that people are older, that a lot of people need to look for friends, that you might have depending on university very specific groups for certain interests, that at least a good conversation starter is "Where you from?", "What lecture are you most excited about..." etc. etc. etc.

And lot's of freshers are way more overwhelmed and stressed out, than it seems.
Reply 2
Original post by Nathanielle_
Hm, it is possible to learn that stuff. And it is possibly not what you want to hear, but might be helpful to start later and first get your social game up to scale? So that you can enjoy it more?
That said, the advantage of university can be, that people are older, that a lot of people need to look for friends, that you might have depending on university very specific groups for certain interests, that at least a good conversation starter is "Where you from?", "What lecture are you most excited about..." etc. etc. etc.
And lot's of freshers are way more overwhelmed and stressed out, than it seems.


I would, but I already didn’t go for multiple years because of my struggles. I’m 20 at the moment, will be 21 when I start and considered a mature student. I don’t think I’m going to improve, and I’ll just keep put off going for years otherwise
Original post by Anonymous
I would, but I already didn’t go for multiple years because of my struggles. I’m 20 at the moment, will be 21 when I start and considered a mature student. I don’t think I’m going to improve, and I’ll just keep put off going for years otherwise

Where I come from, and that is central Europe, most people finished school at 19 years and the freshers were between 17 and 26. We were friends with each other and got alone. It is your future, if the only reason is, you think you get too old, then don't. You lost time yes, but you have to find out, what you want to do in the future. Which is A SHITLOAD of years. 🙂 So yes, there are plenty of pro and cons, but age is none of it. I mean, 22, that is so young. And social abilities and mental health are more important for your future, than any math course or similar. University might be the best solution for you, yes, BUT not because you have to, because you are not too old. You are not too old. Brain develops until 25.
Original post by Anonymous
To start, I think it’s important to note that I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and also generalised anxiety disorder. I know this plays a major role in how I’m feeling.
I’ve never had any friends at all. Not in primary school, not in secondary school. In fact, during secondary, I would sit alone during every lesson, every lunch etc. I often ate my lunch in the library or the bathroom to avoid people. I was mocked relentlessly, people really disliked me, and I didn’t have any friends.
Same went for college. In fact, I was so lonely in college that I ended up dropping out because I couldn’t cope with being alone, and I did an online access course instead.
I wish I was exaggerating or being dramatic. The only person I talk to outside of my family is my boyfriend.
I got accepted to university, my place is confirmed. Leading up I felt super excited about it. I’ve been doing my preparations, I joined group chats etc.
But I’ve not managed to do anything in these chats. Watching other people talk and make friends has just opened up a lot in my stomach.
I truly just think I’m incapable of socialising well enough to make actual friends. I don’t have any, never have had any. I’m considering withdrawing my place in uni. My logic being i’d rather be lonely at home with my family than be lonely alone with a bunch of strangers that are all friends with each other.
I’m not worried about anything else at uni except the socialising. I don’t know how to talk to people or how to make friends. My boyfriend has been talking me out of withdrawing all day today, but I feel limited in my options.
I’ve bought tickets to two fresher events, I’m sure I’ll probably go to neither because I hate going out.
I just fear it’s going to be a repeat of every other stage of my life. Alone.

I feel exactly the same way about everything u said, u just describe me haha
Hi!

I've struggled with social anxiety for many years and I worried about socialising so much before I started uni that I nearly didn't go also. I also didn't have any friends at college.

I think it's important to note people with anxiety disorders drastically underestimate their abilities to socialise and actually lots of research shows that our social abilities are the same as people without anxiety, it just doesn't feel that way!

Maybe you should check out the student support services and see what they can offer and get in touch when you start so that you aren't struggling in silence. Also perhaps email your personal tutor at the start of term so they are aware and can support you.

You have a couple of months before uni terms start, so perhaps you could also look into some self-guided resources/books/podcasts in CBT, or if you have borderline personality disorder DBT too? They are both have a lot of evidence behind them and can really work.

I really was in the same position as you when I started uni, a lot of it is pushing yourself out of your comfort zone as much as you can bear (even though it feels horrible!!!). The more you do it the easier it gets 🙂 feel free to message me if you want any more info on CBT/DBT and social anxiety

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