To start, I think it’s important to note that I am diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and also generalised anxiety disorder. I know this plays a major role in how I’m feeling.
I’ve never had any friends at all. Not in primary school, not in secondary school. In fact, during secondary, I would sit alone during every lesson, every lunch etc. I often ate my lunch in the library or the bathroom to avoid people. I was mocked relentlessly, people really disliked me, and I didn’t have any friends.
Same went for college. In fact, I was so lonely in college that I ended up dropping out because I couldn’t cope with being alone, and I did an online access course instead.
I wish I was exaggerating or being dramatic. The only person I talk to outside of my family is my boyfriend.
I got accepted to university, my place is confirmed. Leading up I felt super excited about it. I’ve been doing my preparations, I joined group chats etc.
But I’ve not managed to do anything in these chats. Watching other people talk and make friends has just opened up a lot in my stomach.
I truly just think I’m incapable of socialising well enough to make actual friends. I don’t have any, never have had any. I’m considering withdrawing my place in uni. My logic being i’d rather be lonely at home with my family than be lonely alone with a bunch of strangers that are all friends with each other.
I’m not worried about anything else at uni except the socialising. I don’t know how to talk to people or how to make friends. My boyfriend has been talking me out of withdrawing all day today, but I feel limited in my options.
I’ve bought tickets to two fresher events, I’m sure I’ll probably go to neither because I hate going out.
I just fear it’s going to be a repeat of every other stage of my life. Alone.