(potential trigger) Advice for friend with autism
*trigger warning - this post mentions self harm/suicide*
I hope it's ok to post this here! A few months ago I made a new friend and they have autism. They are several years younger than me however we have a lot of banter together and speak daily. My issue is that I feel that they're crossing the line too much now. I've observed them swearing at home and insulting family, and also to some of their other friends. Our friendship came about from a mutual enjoyment of insulting each other but in a joking way. Now, however, they often tell me to kill myself or to slit my wrists. They've also told me before that they hope I die in a car accident, which touched a nerve as I was involved in a car accident a few years ago (non serious) but it's still something that troubles me. I asked them if they spoke like this to other people but they said that they didn't, they only said this to me. I don't have the greatest understanding of autism so was wondering if anyone could offer insight into this or advice for what I should do about it? I enjoyed being friends with this person but being told to kill myself on a daily basis is starting to get to me.
I hope it's ok to post this here! A few months ago I made a new friend and they have autism. They are several years younger than me however we have a lot of banter together and speak daily. My issue is that I feel that they're crossing the line too much now. I've observed them swearing at home and insulting family, and also to some of their other friends. Our friendship came about from a mutual enjoyment of insulting each other but in a joking way. Now, however, they often tell me to kill myself or to slit my wrists. They've also told me before that they hope I die in a car accident, which touched a nerve as I was involved in a car accident a few years ago (non serious) but it's still something that troubles me. I asked them if they spoke like this to other people but they said that they didn't, they only said this to me. I don't have the greatest understanding of autism so was wondering if anyone could offer insight into this or advice for what I should do about it? I enjoyed being friends with this person but being told to kill myself on a daily basis is starting to get to me.
Reply 1
Im autistic and so are most of my friends and I’ve found in the past that for me it can be difficult to understand when I’ve crossed a line or upset someone. I can also struggle to understand the impact which my words can have. Your friend might not know that what hes saying is upsetting you or family because he could be getting mixed signals (sometimes its funny when he says rude things and people laugh so he thinks its like that all the time perhaps).
My advice would be to have a talk to him about it or send him an email/text saying that some of the things hes said have hurt you (if you can maybe explain why so he can understand that and maybe think in the future if something could link to that) and perhaps tell him that some of the things hes said are just not acceptable to say to anyone. Don’t be judgmental or standoffish with this though because I know that for me it feels awful when someone tells me I’ve done something wrong when I didn’t know and it can make me feel misunderstood or like I cant say anything to that person (hence why you should be clear and give reasons and examples so he can understand). Maybe you could say something like ‘I know you might not have meant to hurt me and I would be happy to explain anything to you if you dont understand why something has upset me’ that might sound condescending but I dont know the age or maturity of this individual so adapt that to them- make sure you emphasise that you want clear boundaries but also that you’re not blaming them if they didn’t understand.
A possibly (unlikely as it is) that just occurred to me: is it possible your friend is having these thoughts about himself? I know that sounds odd but in the past when I’ve felt hopeless or useless about my future and lashed out I’ve said that other people are useless. It’s a bit like thinking that because Im thinking that everyone else must also be thinking that about themselves in their own minds or like it might be an attempt to normalise your own experience. That ideas is a bit out there but again I dont know the person so maybe broach this with him if you feel able, might not be involved at all but that’s for you to judge I guess.
If he crosses this line again then either remind him or maybe have a break from your friendship. Again I dont know the individual and it might be the case that he hasn’t understood but also some autistic people can be unkind and he needs to understand that he cant get away with upsetting other people through what he says.
Happy to clarify anything further if you have questions by the way
My advice would be to have a talk to him about it or send him an email/text saying that some of the things hes said have hurt you (if you can maybe explain why so he can understand that and maybe think in the future if something could link to that) and perhaps tell him that some of the things hes said are just not acceptable to say to anyone. Don’t be judgmental or standoffish with this though because I know that for me it feels awful when someone tells me I’ve done something wrong when I didn’t know and it can make me feel misunderstood or like I cant say anything to that person (hence why you should be clear and give reasons and examples so he can understand). Maybe you could say something like ‘I know you might not have meant to hurt me and I would be happy to explain anything to you if you dont understand why something has upset me’ that might sound condescending but I dont know the age or maturity of this individual so adapt that to them- make sure you emphasise that you want clear boundaries but also that you’re not blaming them if they didn’t understand.
A possibly (unlikely as it is) that just occurred to me: is it possible your friend is having these thoughts about himself? I know that sounds odd but in the past when I’ve felt hopeless or useless about my future and lashed out I’ve said that other people are useless. It’s a bit like thinking that because Im thinking that everyone else must also be thinking that about themselves in their own minds or like it might be an attempt to normalise your own experience. That ideas is a bit out there but again I dont know the person so maybe broach this with him if you feel able, might not be involved at all but that’s for you to judge I guess.
If he crosses this line again then either remind him or maybe have a break from your friendship. Again I dont know the individual and it might be the case that he hasn’t understood but also some autistic people can be unkind and he needs to understand that he cant get away with upsetting other people through what he says.
Happy to clarify anything further if you have questions by the way
Reply 2
Hi I'm also autistic and have many autistic friends.
I've never had this issue with my friends as it isn't okay however they might not understand which insults are "allowed". Maybe tell them that you don't like it and if they continue then don't be friends with them. Being autistic doesn't mean you can hurt people's feelings on purpose which is what they would be doing if you had a chat
I've never had this issue with my friends as it isn't okay however they might not understand which insults are "allowed". Maybe tell them that you don't like it and if they continue then don't be friends with them. Being autistic doesn't mean you can hurt people's feelings on purpose which is what they would be doing if you had a chat
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