Can I mend relations with her? Or is she gone?

In 2022, I met the sweetest young woman ever. She was friendly, she shared my interests and I grew severely attached to her. There was a time when I wanted to ask her out, but when I found out she was in a relationship, I just wanted them to permanently stay together.
I really, really, really liked her. Maybe loved her in some childish way. I had an amazing first year with her because we lived in the same flat block. But over the summer, she was replying very rarely- months apart. I tried to meet her, and she was saying she was busy with university when year 2 began.
I did meet her eventually, she was amazing, as usual, but then I asked for help with an assignment. She said 'nah', and then continued to say that she hoped it went well and was sure that it did.
This 'nah' caused my brain to implode and for me to assume that this was it. I completely fell to pieces and, when she texted me again, told her I understood I meant nothing to her. She asked me why, and I told her 'You meant the world to me. How do you think I feel when you don't reply to me for months and say nah?'. She then got upset and wrote me a long text discussing the situation. I was so upset I just didn't respond.
This is now tearing me apart. I feel like I hurt her, I feel so horrible inside, and I recently wrote her an apology which I completely and utterly meant. I never, ever insulted her or anything like that, I just did exactly what was above and in the apology just apologised, never asking for anything in return. She so far has not replied.
I am terrified that I lost her and she blocked me or something (completely not in her character, but still). I just want her back, as a friend. I have no-one (except for a friend in Scotland and another in the US).
Can I get her back? Why is this so much harder for me than getting 80% in university exams?

Reply 1

Zarek

The best bet to get back to a stable friendship is to back of completely for a few months to let the dust settle and then see how things stand. It doesn’t seem like she’s interested in anything romantic and you have come on too intense. In the meanwhile work on developing to other friendships and love interest.

Relationships are more difficult than academic achievement because the outcome is often not in your control. However much you want someone, if they don’t feel the same there is nothing you can do and trying harder just leads to trouble. But fortunately there is not just one sweet woman, there are many

Reply 2

Old Skool Freak

Original post by Zarek

The best bet to get back to a stable friendship is to back of completely for a few months to let the dust settle and then see how things stand. It doesn’t seem like she’s interested in anything romantic and you have come on too intense. In the meanwhile work on developing to other friendships and love interest.
Relationships are more difficult than academic achievement because the outcome is often not in your control. However much you want someone, if they don’t feel the same there is nothing you can do and trying harder just leads to trouble. But fortunately there is not just one sweet woman, there are many

Agree with this.

@hypercollus unfortunately, I don't think there's anything that you can consciously do to get her back... I'm assuming she only ever saw you as a friend here... and unfortunately some girls get freaked out when they find out their guy-mates fancy them (from their P.O.V. it's like the whole friendship was based on a lie). The other thing is, as said above, you've come on too strong. In future, it's normally better to get a "feel" for how she feels about you before declaring your undying love for someone. If a girl does like you, then chances are you come up from time to time in one of her "girly" conversations... so you can test the water with one of her mates next time.

I think you read way too much in to the "nah" comment. There's all sorts of reasons she could have declined. It's never a good idea to send text messages when you're emotionally charged, as there's always the chance you end up saying something you can't take back (I've done this myself many times, and I'm sure most people her have as well). Sometimes it's worth taking some time to think about it properly. I know people hate it when you take days to reply, but a couple of hours doesn't hurt; especially if it's something important to you.

As for salvaging any friendship with this girl... the ball is in her court now. If the friendship was that important, eventually she'll get in contact with you. If you try and pursue her, you'll just look desperate and pushy. Best to assume the worst, until / unless she proves you otherwise.

(edited 1 month ago)

Reply 3

hypercolius

Thank you for your responses.
Truthfully, I never really sought her romantically. I simply had no time between meeting her and finding out she was in a relationship. I always thought trying to break that sort of relationship apart would be pure evil. I was really happy seeing them together. I did love this girl, but in a more friendly way. I never told her anything either.
But I do remember one occassion when I was in her room trying to help her prepare for a presentation. I was extremely nervous, and kept fidgeting with my collar and specifically the zipper at my neck. I only later found out what that usually means. There was also one occassion when I was highly confused by what I felt about her appearance. This resulted in me completely trying to avoid her eyes when she was talking to me. Maybe that contributed somehow. Or that gift I left her at the end when I left, which took place exactly before she began to take longer and longer to respond.
The argument happened because I felt neglected because she responded to me sometimes with months between messages. In her last message she told me there was a reason for that (remembering this is pure torture, I think she said something bad happened to her). The 'nah' just completely ruined me, I interpreted it as meaning it was the end of any friendship.
Do you think this still can be mended? My apology was 'I am so sorry. I'm extremely sorry that I treated you so insensitively and terribly'. Exclusively that, nothing else and certainly not asking her to reply.