Constantly texting is frustrating, how much is too much?
My girlfriend, who I love deeply, is a constant texter. She texts every 5-15 minutes, with pauses for 1-3 hours for naps etc.
I, on the other hand, would be okay with 5-10 texts throughout a day and an hour or so call before bed. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore the random updates about her day and hearing how she's doing - but by the time the bedtime call comes around (which can be one, two or four hours) I feel like there's nothing to talk about, which stresses me out! I do want to know how she's doing, truly!
In a given day, we can text 40-60 times. It's stressing me out because I feel like I absolutely have to prioritize texting or else I'm the *******. I really don't mind the pauses in texts as I understand she has her own life and doesn't need to be constantly staring at her phone. If I disappear for more than 30 minutes without a 'good reason', she gets very upset.
Is this too much contact? What are some potentially nice phrasings that tell her 'hey I love you but I cannot keep up with this intensity of texting'?
I, on the other hand, would be okay with 5-10 texts throughout a day and an hour or so call before bed. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore the random updates about her day and hearing how she's doing - but by the time the bedtime call comes around (which can be one, two or four hours) I feel like there's nothing to talk about, which stresses me out! I do want to know how she's doing, truly!
In a given day, we can text 40-60 times. It's stressing me out because I feel like I absolutely have to prioritize texting or else I'm the *******. I really don't mind the pauses in texts as I understand she has her own life and doesn't need to be constantly staring at her phone. If I disappear for more than 30 minutes without a 'good reason', she gets very upset.
Is this too much contact? What are some potentially nice phrasings that tell her 'hey I love you but I cannot keep up with this intensity of texting'?
Now that she's your girlfriend, your texts should be about arranging your next meeting.
The odd text about other subjects is OK at the rate of 1 a day to 1 a week.
Let her get frustrated when a whole half hour to 3 days go by without you texting her.
Don't let her conquer your time, your reactions nor your humour.
You don't have to justify nor qualify yourself when it comes to what you do with your time when you're not with her.
Make sure you're great company when you're with her in real life and that the 2 of you go on lots of adventures and mini-adventures together. How you behave when you're with her will tell her all she needs to know about how you feel about her.
There will be times when sending her a non-sensical, silly, playful text is as good a text as you can send her. It's you keeping your humour unconquered.
If she gets upset by you massively decreasing how many texts you send to her, that's fine. If she gets upset and takes it out on you, you should then consider whether you want to continue having a future with this woman.
The odd text about other subjects is OK at the rate of 1 a day to 1 a week.
Let her get frustrated when a whole half hour to 3 days go by without you texting her.
Don't let her conquer your time, your reactions nor your humour.
You don't have to justify nor qualify yourself when it comes to what you do with your time when you're not with her.
Make sure you're great company when you're with her in real life and that the 2 of you go on lots of adventures and mini-adventures together. How you behave when you're with her will tell her all she needs to know about how you feel about her.
There will be times when sending her a non-sensical, silly, playful text is as good a text as you can send her. It's you keeping your humour unconquered.
If she gets upset by you massively decreasing how many texts you send to her, that's fine. If she gets upset and takes it out on you, you should then consider whether you want to continue having a future with this woman.
I would just try and sit down and have a conversation about it. As if you can't communicate about this then I can't see there's much hope for the relationship otherwise.
Obviously try and be tactful - maybe emphasise that you prefer speaking to her in person and would rather save text to arrange meetings so you can enjoy eachother's company directly or something.
Obviously try and be tactful - maybe emphasise that you prefer speaking to her in person and would rather save text to arrange meetings so you can enjoy eachother's company directly or something.
Original post by artful_lounger
I would just try and sit down and have a conversation about it. As if you can't communicate about this then I can't see there's much hope for the relationship otherwise.
Obviously try and be tactful - maybe emphasise that you prefer speaking to her in person and would rather save text to arrange meetings so you can enjoy eachother's company directly or something.
Obviously try and be tactful - maybe emphasise that you prefer speaking to her in person and would rather save text to arrange meetings so you can enjoy eachother's company directly or something.
I have expressed these things, maybe in not such nice terms - moreso saying 'I need time to recharge', but she takes it incredibly personally, saying 'well I don't need time away from you to recharge!' or crying.
Thanks for the suggestions!
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
Now that she's your girlfriend, your texts should be about arranging your next meeting.
The odd text about other subjects is OK at the rate of 1 a day to 1 a week.
Let her get frustrated when a whole half hour to 3 days go by without you texting her.
Don't let her conquer your time, your reactions nor your humour.
You don't have to justify nor qualify yourself when it comes to what you do with your time when you're not with her.
Make sure you're great company when you're with her in real life and that the 2 of you go on lots of adventures and mini-adventures together. How you behave when you're with her will tell her all she needs to know about how you feel about her.
There will be times when sending her a non-sensical, silly, playful text is as good a text as you can send her. It's you keeping your humour unconquered.
If she gets upset by you massively decreasing how many texts you send to her, that's fine. If she gets upset and takes it out on you, you should then consider whether you want to continue having a future with this woman.
The odd text about other subjects is OK at the rate of 1 a day to 1 a week.
Let her get frustrated when a whole half hour to 3 days go by without you texting her.
Don't let her conquer your time, your reactions nor your humour.
You don't have to justify nor qualify yourself when it comes to what you do with your time when you're not with her.
Make sure you're great company when you're with her in real life and that the 2 of you go on lots of adventures and mini-adventures together. How you behave when you're with her will tell her all she needs to know about how you feel about her.
There will be times when sending her a non-sensical, silly, playful text is as good a text as you can send her. It's you keeping your humour unconquered.
If she gets upset by you massively decreasing how many texts you send to her, that's fine. If she gets upset and takes it out on you, you should then consider whether you want to continue having a future with this woman.
This seems a little one sided and potentially harmful to a healthy relationship. I appreciate your input but once a day on alternative topics might be too little for me, even.
On the flipside, saying that if she takes it out on me for expressing my needs I should evaluate if I want to be with her is very helpful.
Original post by Anonymous
This seems a little one sided and potentially harmful to a healthy relationship. I appreciate your input but once a day on alternative topics might be too little for me, even.
On the flipside, saying that if she takes it out on me for expressing my needs I should evaluate if I want to be with her is very helpful.
On the flipside, saying that if she takes it out on me for expressing my needs I should evaluate if I want to be with her is very helpful.
Don't listen to him - I think he is from an older generation and his advice on texting does not fly in the current day and age... As a woman, if my boyfriend was not messaging me for 3 days, I would take it as a sign that he wasn't interested and would end the relationship very quickly - I'm not into stupid mind games like this, they get boring very quickly.
I do agree that the amount of messaging and calling with your girlfriend seems excessive and must make it difficult to get things done so you absolute should be having a chat to her about it. Perhaps don't phrase it as needing time away from her to recharge, and maybe try and explore why she gets so upset when you bring it up (it is not a normal response and there must be issues that are making her act this way), but you need to address this sooner rather than later and if she is not willing to meet you halfway with this, it might be worth reconsidering whether the two of you are compatible.
Original post by Anonymous
This seems a little one sided and potentially harmful to a healthy relationship. I appreciate your input but once a day on alternative topics might be too little for me, even.
On the flipside, saying that if she takes it out on me for expressing my needs I should evaluate if I want to be with her is very helpful.
On the flipside, saying that if she takes it out on me for expressing my needs I should evaluate if I want to be with her is very helpful.
I agree 100%. It does SEEM one sided and potentially harmful.
That's a small part of the reason it's such great advice.
Most guys go with surface logic and social conditioning when it comes to how they behave in relationships. Especially early on in their relationships career. And look at the sort of results they get. Break-ups. Divorce etc.
However, ALL the TOP dating coaches will give you the same advice I've given you. And everyone that I know that's successful with women and relationships would give you similar advice.
We as people crave that which is good that we can't get as much of as we'd like.
So it's very simple. Be a good catch. And allow things to happen such that she's not getting as much of you as she'd like. Especially when it's more convenient to you to cut out this incessant texting with her.
When something's good and we're gorging on it, or getting as much of it as we like, we either get fed up with it, or start taking it for granted.
Cutting out the non-essental texting is a key part of keeping your relationship fresh.
When you start living with someone, giving them freedom and space is a key part of keeping the relationship fresh.
Show some confidence that you're an attractive man. Arrange your next date with her and then go silent on her, with a brief mention that you're busy and you'll see her at the date.
See what happens. She's not going to dump you over that. She might dump you if how you talk and behave on your dates isn't good enough. So it's important that you ensure you're a great guy for any woman to spend time with. Positive, fun loving, caring, with empathy, adventurous, enthusiastic, able to handle stress well.
The less you talk between dates, the more you'll have to talk about on the date. And the more special the date will be.
So, today we talked for 2 hours and 22 minutes. I go for a hike/walk almost every day and I informed her I'd like to take a nap, then go for a walk, so I'd call her back. When she asked when, I said after my walk, which was likely to be 7-7:30. It was already 4pm, so about 3.5hrs.
Normally we go to bed at 10-11pm, which means another 3-4 hours of talking for a total of 5-6 hours that day.
When I proposed 7pm, she got quite upset and said 'That's like 3 hours' to which I said 'yeah.' She got quite upset and started calling me names, saying that I needed to man up and make a decision and that I would ignore her texts for hours.
Look, I love her deeply, but sometimes I just want to go for a walk on my own with my own thoughts. She wanted to talk for the entire duration of my walk and I didn't, and I don't really feel safe telling her that because she seems to make it about how I hate her and don't want to talk to her. I love talking to her, but if I didn't take the time to walk alone, we would've talked for 9 hours that day. I simply cannot think of anything useful to say for 9 hours a day and frankly i get quite crotchety.
For the record, I did call her at 7 and she ducked all my calls.
Normally we go to bed at 10-11pm, which means another 3-4 hours of talking for a total of 5-6 hours that day.
When I proposed 7pm, she got quite upset and said 'That's like 3 hours' to which I said 'yeah.' She got quite upset and started calling me names, saying that I needed to man up and make a decision and that I would ignore her texts for hours.
Look, I love her deeply, but sometimes I just want to go for a walk on my own with my own thoughts. She wanted to talk for the entire duration of my walk and I didn't, and I don't really feel safe telling her that because she seems to make it about how I hate her and don't want to talk to her. I love talking to her, but if I didn't take the time to walk alone, we would've talked for 9 hours that day. I simply cannot think of anything useful to say for 9 hours a day and frankly i get quite crotchety.
For the record, I did call her at 7 and she ducked all my calls.
Original post by Anonymous
So, today we talked for 2 hours and 22 minutes. I go for a hike/walk almost every day and I informed her I'd like to take a nap, then go for a walk, so I'd call her back. When she asked when, I said after my walk, which was likely to be 7-7:30. It was already 4pm, so about 3.5hrs.
Normally we go to bed at 10-11pm, which means another 3-4 hours of talking for a total of 5-6 hours that day.
When I proposed 7pm, she got quite upset and said 'That's like 3 hours' to which I said 'yeah.' She got quite upset and started calling me names, saying that I needed to man up and make a decision and that I would ignore her texts for hours.
Look, I love her deeply, but sometimes I just want to go for a walk on my own with my own thoughts. She wanted to talk for the entire duration of my walk and I didn't, and I don't really feel safe telling her that because she seems to make it about how I hate her and don't want to talk to her. I love talking to her, but if I didn't take the time to walk alone, we would've talked for 9 hours that day. I simply cannot think of anything useful to say for 9 hours a day and frankly i get quite crotchety.
For the record, I did call her at 7 and she ducked all my calls.
Normally we go to bed at 10-11pm, which means another 3-4 hours of talking for a total of 5-6 hours that day.
When I proposed 7pm, she got quite upset and said 'That's like 3 hours' to which I said 'yeah.' She got quite upset and started calling me names, saying that I needed to man up and make a decision and that I would ignore her texts for hours.
Look, I love her deeply, but sometimes I just want to go for a walk on my own with my own thoughts. She wanted to talk for the entire duration of my walk and I didn't, and I don't really feel safe telling her that because she seems to make it about how I hate her and don't want to talk to her. I love talking to her, but if I didn't take the time to walk alone, we would've talked for 9 hours that day. I simply cannot think of anything useful to say for 9 hours a day and frankly i get quite crotchety.
For the record, I did call her at 7 and she ducked all my calls.
She is trying to manipulate you (possibly not consciously/intentionally). Message her to say you will be giving her space and will wait for her to get in touch with you when she is ready, but do not reach out to her first. You have done nothing wrong here, you have communicated very clearly and carried through with your promise, so it is not on you to take responsibility for this. It sounds like she has an anxious attachment style and whilst it's important that you make it very clear to her that you love her and listen to her concerns (especially after situations like this, where her anxieties have been triggered), it is equally important that you set boundaries and are consistent with them to help her feel more secure in the relationship.
Well done for standing up for your own needs, and hope that the two of you can work things out. Best of luck
Original post by Anonymous
She is trying to manipulate you (possibly not consciously/intentionally). Message her to say you will be giving her space and will wait for her to get in touch with you when she is ready, but do not reach out to her first. You have done nothing wrong here, you have communicated very clearly and carried through with your promise, so it is not on you to take responsibility for this. It sounds like she has an anxious attachment style and whilst it's important that you make it very clear to her that you love her and listen to her concerns (especially after situations like this, where her anxieties have been triggered), it is equally important that you set boundaries and are consistent with them to help her feel more secure in the relationship.
Well done for standing up for your own needs, and hope that the two of you can work things out. Best of luck
Well done for standing up for your own needs, and hope that the two of you can work things out. Best of luck
I think I screwed up already! Sorry.
Reason #1: I already messaged her. Basically I said "I don't understand where communication broke down. You asked what time i'd call and I said 7. I think it might've helped if when you said you wanted to call sooner I offered a counter or explained myself, I'm sorry I didn't"
#2: she said "you only care about your time and your needs. I didn't ask what time you'd call, I asked what time you'd get up so I could talk to you and you said "can i call you after my walk?" you sure can tell people they have to wait around for you"
I would say if manipulation is present, it's not intentional. I tend to be very apologetic...
Original post by Anonymous
I think I screwed up already! Sorry.
Reason #1: I already messaged her. Basically I said "I don't understand where communication broke down. You asked what time i'd call and I said 7. I think it might've helped if when you said you wanted to call sooner I offered a counter or explained myself, I'm sorry I didn't"
#2: she said "you only care about your time and your needs. I didn't ask what time you'd call, I asked what time you'd get up so I could talk to you and you said "can i call you after my walk?" you sure can tell people they have to wait around for you"
I would say if manipulation is present, it's not intentional. I tend to be very apologetic...
Reason #1: I already messaged her. Basically I said "I don't understand where communication broke down. You asked what time i'd call and I said 7. I think it might've helped if when you said you wanted to call sooner I offered a counter or explained myself, I'm sorry I didn't"
#2: she said "you only care about your time and your needs. I didn't ask what time you'd call, I asked what time you'd get up so I could talk to you and you said "can i call you after my walk?" you sure can tell people they have to wait around for you"
I would say if manipulation is present, it's not intentional. I tend to be very apologetic...
Apologising can be appropriate but in this context, you should not be apologising for what you did but for how she felt - i.e. "I'm sorry you feel X" or "I'm sorry Y made you feel Z". That's acknowledging her feelings but not in a way where you are taking the blame - you taking the blame reinforces in her mind that you did something wrong, whereas you haven't (based on what you had said here earlier in the thread at least). Answer her question of when you will wake up and leave it at that for now. Arguing by text when emotions are high is not going to be very productive.
Original post by Anonymous
I have expressed these things, maybe in not such nice terms - moreso saying 'I need time to recharge', but she takes it incredibly personally, saying 'well I don't need time away from you to recharge!' or crying.
Thanks for the suggestions!
Thanks for the suggestions!
I would suggest to her that everyone is different-as someone whose an extrovert dating an introvert-when my significant other does reply it's a block text of what he feels like he needs to say along with-I'll talk to you after work/right before bed-I'll save what I want to tell you for next time I see you.
You could also suggest that all these extra texts she put into a letter that you can read. That way you get the cut down on texts-and she still gets to tell you everything albeit later on.
Change her mood, not her mind.
Text her saying something like "My biggest wish in the world right now is that we meet at 10 am Saturday at your place, when I'll give you a big tender kiss and a hug and then we'll go laserquesting and we can either shoot each other to smithereens or we can stay on the same team and blast the other team to kingdom come. You and me against the world. How does that sound?"
There is no point trying to reason with her over this. There's no point in you justifying or qualifying yourself over this. There's no point in you trying to tell her your point of view on this. Because her thinking and what's she's been saying is totally irrational.
Tell us her response to your offer to meet up and have a great time together and then I can tell you what your response should be.
Your biggest screw up in all this is that you got into the habit of texting her so much in the first place. Next time, from the start of your relationship adopt a "less is more" approach to texting.
Allow women to conquer your heart, but never allow them to conquer your time.
Your girlfriend is screwing up far more than you. Because she has nothing going on in her life, apart from you. And she's behaving in deeply unattractive ways. Too needy and clingy. Too suffocating. Of course you don't tell her this. You don't try to change her. You either tolerate her faults or dump her.
Text her saying something like "My biggest wish in the world right now is that we meet at 10 am Saturday at your place, when I'll give you a big tender kiss and a hug and then we'll go laserquesting and we can either shoot each other to smithereens or we can stay on the same team and blast the other team to kingdom come. You and me against the world. How does that sound?"
There is no point trying to reason with her over this. There's no point in you justifying or qualifying yourself over this. There's no point in you trying to tell her your point of view on this. Because her thinking and what's she's been saying is totally irrational.
Tell us her response to your offer to meet up and have a great time together and then I can tell you what your response should be.
Your biggest screw up in all this is that you got into the habit of texting her so much in the first place. Next time, from the start of your relationship adopt a "less is more" approach to texting.
Allow women to conquer your heart, but never allow them to conquer your time.
Your girlfriend is screwing up far more than you. Because she has nothing going on in her life, apart from you. And she's behaving in deeply unattractive ways. Too needy and clingy. Too suffocating. Of course you don't tell her this. You don't try to change her. You either tolerate her faults or dump her.
Original post by Anonymous
My girlfriend, who I love deeply, is a constant texter. She texts every 5-15 minutes, with pauses for 1-3 hours for naps etc.
I, on the other hand, would be okay with 5-10 texts throughout a day and an hour or so call before bed. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore the random updates about her day and hearing how she's doing - but by the time the bedtime call comes around (which can be one, two or four hours) I feel like there's nothing to talk about, which stresses me out! I do want to know how she's doing, truly!
In a given day, we can text 40-60 times. It's stressing me out because I feel like I absolutely have to prioritize texting or else I'm the *******. I really don't mind the pauses in texts as I understand she has her own life and doesn't need to be constantly staring at her phone. If I disappear for more than 30 minutes without a 'good reason', she gets very upset.
Is this too much contact? What are some potentially nice phrasings that tell her 'hey I love you but I cannot keep up with this intensity of texting'?
I, on the other hand, would be okay with 5-10 texts throughout a day and an hour or so call before bed. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely adore the random updates about her day and hearing how she's doing - but by the time the bedtime call comes around (which can be one, two or four hours) I feel like there's nothing to talk about, which stresses me out! I do want to know how she's doing, truly!
In a given day, we can text 40-60 times. It's stressing me out because I feel like I absolutely have to prioritize texting or else I'm the *******. I really don't mind the pauses in texts as I understand she has her own life and doesn't need to be constantly staring at her phone. If I disappear for more than 30 minutes without a 'good reason', she gets very upset.
Is this too much contact? What are some potentially nice phrasings that tell her 'hey I love you but I cannot keep up with this intensity of texting'?
''I love you, and I love when you text me. i love to talk to you but keeping up with it on texts all day with so much to do is becoming stressful for me. I know you love me and you'll understand what i'm saying. we can text a little during the day and ft every night. but if I am not replying for some reason doesn't mean I don't want you, just that I have other responsibilities. I don't mind when you go away, and you shouldn't too.''
see how she responds, if she's understanding, this can be resolved.
yeah you are definitely too apologetic. avoid that. instead acknowledge her feelings, let her know you understand where she's coming for so she(hopefully)understands your POV. ask her to not call you names and be nicer, because you didn't do it to be mean, it was because you needed 'me time'.
tell her that you want all the time you both spend together to be extra special. talking all day wont help as the dates wont be as exciting. if she gets mad, take her on a date (don't text before it) and make it adventurous and unique, not something boring. women love texting, but they love romantic gestures more than that! dropping off flowers, gifts can also help.
when you do text, make sure it ain't bland, something flirty or comedic which she will wait for and think is worth having only few times a day.
tell her that you want all the time you both spend together to be extra special. talking all day wont help as the dates wont be as exciting. if she gets mad, take her on a date (don't text before it) and make it adventurous and unique, not something boring. women love texting, but they love romantic gestures more than that! dropping off flowers, gifts can also help.
when you do text, make sure it ain't bland, something flirty or comedic which she will wait for and think is worth having only few times a day.
Original post by Anonymous
tbh, this is clingy behaviour and isn't normal. it is probably because of some past trauma or abuse that she needs reassurance that you're there all the time. have and open talk(preferably not on text) and address this issue. let her know that texting all day long gets tiring for you and you would love to rather talk on call once a day. don't push her away, instead say:
''I love you, and I love when you text me. i love to talk to you but keeping up with it on texts all day with so much to do is becoming stressful for me. I know you love me and you'll understand what i'm saying. we can text a little during the day and ft every night. but if I am not replying for some reason doesn't mean I don't want you, just that I have other responsibilities. I don't mind when you go away, and you shouldn't too.''
see how she responds, if she's understanding, this can be resolved.
''I love you, and I love when you text me. i love to talk to you but keeping up with it on texts all day with so much to do is becoming stressful for me. I know you love me and you'll understand what i'm saying. we can text a little during the day and ft every night. but if I am not replying for some reason doesn't mean I don't want you, just that I have other responsibilities. I don't mind when you go away, and you shouldn't too.''
see how she responds, if she's understanding, this can be resolved.
I've tried that, she acts like an ******* tbh. Or tries to talk for 8 hours on the phone
Original post by Anonymous
I've tried that, she acts like an ******* tbh. Or tries to talk for 8 hours on the phone
at this point this is just an unhealthy relationship which is just mentally draining you and wasting a lot of time. block her and tell her why you did so. if she don't change, well I'm afraid there is no solution.
good luck
Original post by Anonymous
I've tried that, she acts like an ******* tbh. Or tries to talk for 8 hours on the phone
It’s not a functioning relationship if she ignores you what you’ve said and talks at you for 8hrs.
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