The Student Room Group

going through a dry spell and needing help

my girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for about 2 years now. naturally in the beginning our sex life was very fulfilling and honestly amazing but for the good part of the last year we have been going through a weird phase were I keep ending up being the one who initiates any sexual act and most of the time I get rejected by her followed by a very defensive attitude, as if I should be ashamed for asking for this much sex. (rn I have been on a trip for 3 weeks but normally our frequency is about once 3,4times per month at best) it has been getting even more confusing lately since I have already tried having productive conversationS about it many times and every time no matter how calm and gentle I try to be with communicating my frustration, I end up having to sit through her being extremely defensive about it again as she keeps saying that she has explained everything already.
now her explanation for our situation in the beginning started off as she doesn't know why either. later on in other conversations it was revealed that it's the side effect of having had too much arguments with each other. when the problem kept existing even after going through peaceful periods, then in other conversations she said that it is because of how she feels about herself and also possibly the amount of time that we spend with each other. but everytime she keeps insisting that she loves me and it's not a problem of how our sex is and that she is still attracted to me.
my girlfriend is the most beautiful woman that I know and I always try my best to make her feel this way as well. and regarding the space I have gave her, even forced her at times to spend time alone, but now after 3 weeks being apart and feeling the same kind of shame after trying to initiate some kind of way to be sexual and intimate by her being defensive and ****ed about me asking her to for example send me nudes, I feel triggered again and afraid that even this much distance hasn't had any positive impact on our situation. her excuse this time: being tired because of work.
I really love this girl and trust her and I want to make it work and so does she, but I'm really running out of ideas on how to act or what to do anymore. I've tried spicing it up even more than now with introducing toys and other stuff into our sex life but we have used them only once in the last 6months. how long is too long for a dry spell? am I crazy for keep thinking that she might not be attracted to me anymore since she says she does masturbate when she's alone? I keep feeling like a fool firstly because I'm always the one who initiates everything (both sexual acts and also conversations to work through stuff) and on the other hand because of most of the time feeling rejected.
break up is not an option as I deeply love this girl and I understand she's feeling guilty about it every time she hears me saying it and that this whole situation is bothering her as well but I have needs too and I have never initiated anything in the last 6 months without this fear of her ending up reacting in anger to what I tell her and being defensive basically.
Idk what I'm expecting to get out of posting this here but I just really need help or some advice.
Reply 1
Libido mismatch seems to rear its ugly head in many long term relationships. The reason why is not at all clear and not to do with spicing things up. All you can do is find a sometimes uneasy compromise that works for both of you. This needs discussion at the right time. Even then it tends to lead to some tension when one side wants more or an understanding doesn’t seem to be fulfilled. Ultimately, if she’s the one, you have to see the bigger picture and also appreciate you’re getting it far more than being single
(edited 3 months ago)
Audit time.
When was the last time you had an argument with her? What was it about?
When was the last time you were in a bad mood? Did she know you were in a bad mood? What was the bad mood about?

When was the last time you shouted at her? Why did you shout?
When was the last time you called her something bad? Why did you call her that?

When was the last time you went out on a date with her?
When was the last time you and her stayed overnight at a hotel, or an AirBnB or somewhere like that?

When was the last time you went for a night out without her?
When was the last time she went for a night out without you?

Why do you feel that break-up is not an option? Does she know that you are extremely reluctant to break up with her?

When was the last time you made her laugh? When was the last time you made her laugh so much, tears streamed down her cheeks?

When was the last time you cooked her dinner? What did you cook?

When was the last time you stayed up till dawn, talking with her?
If you are having sex 3-4 times a month, that's pretty much once a week? That's more sex than a lot of people in long-term relationships are having...
Also, sex is a thing that two people must mutually want to engage in - try not to feel entitled to it simply because you are both in a relationship. And (intentionally or not) making her feel guilty about having a low libido/ getting frustrated will definitely not help the situation...
As someone said previously, it might be that you just need to recultivate your emotional connection before trying anything physical for a while?

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