I can never see myself in a relationship

I've always liked guys, but as an 18-year-old who's never been in a relationship, I find myself struggling with intimacy. I’ve been in situations where I could kiss someone, but I always manage just a peck before pulling back. While I like the idea of kissing and other sexual things, when the moment comes, I get scared, panic, and don’t know what I’m doing.

I’ve had a lot of issues with my self-esteem, which makes it hard for me to be vulnerable. I’ve convinced myself that nobody could ever truly love me, and as a defense mechanism, I’ve started blocking out boys, telling myself they’re gross to make myself feel better. Seeing many of my friends have horrible experiences with boys, along with my own negative experiences, has reinforced this mindset. I’ve never really seen a healthy relationship up close, so I worry that if I were to get involved with a guy, he would only use me and see me as less than him. Even though I know this isn’t true for everyone, it’s hard to shake these thoughts.

Lately, I’ve also realised I might like girls, but I’m unsure if this is genuine or just a result of my negative feelings about boys. However, when a couple of girls have shown interest in me, I’ve felt the same fear and discomfort that I do with guys.

The idea of someone liking me makes me feel like there’s something wrong with both me and them. If they were to kiss me or take things further, I’d feel like they have some kind of power over me. When I imagine myself in a relationship, I feel stupid and unworthy, immediately finding as many faults in the other person as possible, which I use as a reflection of my own self-doubt.

People may suggest I’m asexual but I know this isn’t true and I know I want a relationship I just feel so confused.

I also forgot to mention that my parents recently split up, which has added even more pressure onto the idea of a relationship. Seeing their marriage end makes me worry that any relationship I get into will probably end the same way.

Some people might suggest that I’m asexual, but I know that isn’t true. I genuinely want a relationship. I’m just so confused.

Reply 1

bl0bf1sh

Original post

by Anonymous

I've always liked guys, but as an 18-year-old who's never been in a relationship, I find myself struggling with intimacy. I’ve been in situations where I could kiss someone, but I always manage just a peck before pulling back. While I like the idea of kissing and other sexual things, when the moment comes, I get scared, panic, and don’t know what I’m doing.
I’ve had a lot of issues with my self-esteem, which makes it hard for me to be vulnerable. I’ve convinced myself that nobody could ever truly love me, and as a defense mechanism, I’ve started blocking out boys, telling myself they’re gross to make myself feel better. Seeing many of my friends have horrible experiences with boys, along with my own negative experiences, has reinforced this mindset. I’ve never really seen a healthy relationship up close, so I worry that if I were to get involved with a guy, he would only use me and see me as less than him. Even though I know this isn’t true for everyone, it’s hard to shake these thoughts.
Lately, I’ve also realised I might like girls, but I’m unsure if this is genuine or just a result of my negative feelings about boys. However, when a couple of girls have shown interest in me, I’ve felt the same fear and discomfort that I do with guys.
The idea of someone liking me makes me feel like there’s something wrong with both me and them. If they were to kiss me or take things further, I’d feel like they have some kind of power over me. When I imagine myself in a relationship, I feel stupid and unworthy, immediately finding as many faults in the other person as possible, which I use as a reflection of my own self-doubt.
People may suggest I’m asexual but I know this isn’t true and I know I want a relationship I just feel so confused.
I also forgot to mention that my parents recently split up, which has added even more pressure onto the idea of a relationship. Seeing their marriage end makes me worry that any relationship I get into will probably end the same way.
Some people might suggest that I’m asexual, but I know that isn’t true. I genuinely want a relationship. I’m just so confused.

I’m not by any means saying you are asexual, but just wanted to make a few points about asexuality:

•

someone who is asexual typically experiences little to no sexual attraction towards others

•

some asexual people do want a relationship, some even have and may enjoy sex, and some people may not want either

•

sexual attraction and romantic attraction are separate things – it is possible for an individual to only experience one type, or both, or indeed neither. there are also multiple other types of attraction such as platonic and aesthetic

•

asexuality is a spectrum – some ace-spec people do sometimes experience sexual attraction in specific circumstances. there are quite a few different microlabels which can be used to describe an individual’s specific orientation(s), if they want to use them. for example, someone who is orchidsexual may experience sexual attraction, but does not desire a sexual relationship or encounter (https://asexuals.fandom.com/wiki/Orchidsexual)

once again I’m not saying you are or aren’t anything, just wanted to try to clear up any potential misconceptions as a few people may say something about confidence or “just try it” or suggesting therapy or something, I don’t know exactly how you feel about all this but just wanted to say that you are not “broken” or anything, and happy relationships can exist without intimacy :smile:

and if you do want a relationship you are fully and perfectly deserving of one (that you’re comfortable in!) :smile:

Reply 2

hjgugu

Make friends with guys, spending time with them you will soon figure out who you might want to be in a relationship with. There are plenty of guys in your position and the good ones will not pressure you into anything

Reply 3

Anonymous #2

Original post

by Anonymous

I've always liked guys, but as an 18-year-old who's never been in a relationship, I find myself struggling with intimacy. I’ve been in situations where I could kiss someone, but I always manage just a peck before pulling back. While I like the idea of kissing and other sexual things, when the moment comes, I get scared, panic, and don’t know what I’m doing.
I’ve had a lot of issues with my self-esteem, which makes it hard for me to be vulnerable. I’ve convinced myself that nobody could ever truly love me, and as a defense mechanism, I’ve started blocking out boys, telling myself they’re gross to make myself feel better. Seeing many of my friends have horrible experiences with boys, along with my own negative experiences, has reinforced this mindset. I’ve never really seen a healthy relationship up close, so I worry that if I were to get involved with a guy, he would only use me and see me as less than him. Even though I know this isn’t true for everyone, it’s hard to shake these thoughts.
Lately, I’ve also realised I might like girls, but I’m unsure if this is genuine or just a result of my negative feelings about boys. However, when a couple of girls have shown interest in me, I’ve felt the same fear and discomfort that I do with guys.
The idea of someone liking me makes me feel like there’s something wrong with both me and them. If they were to kiss me or take things further, I’d feel like they have some kind of power over me. When I imagine myself in a relationship, I feel stupid and unworthy, immediately finding as many faults in the other person as possible, which I use as a reflection of my own self-doubt.
People may suggest I’m asexual but I know this isn’t true and I know I want a relationship I just feel so confused.
I also forgot to mention that my parents recently split up, which has added even more pressure onto the idea of a relationship. Seeing their marriage end makes me worry that any relationship I get into will probably end the same way.
Some people might suggest that I’m asexual, but I know that isn’t true. I genuinely want a relationship. I’m just so confused.

I just read this and I relate to every single word so deeply I can't explain the relief I feel that someone else understands exactly what I'm going through. Did you ever figure any of this out, how are you now? I feel exactly the same and am really struggling (I'm also 18 and a girl) and I wonder how it went and if you had any advice for me? Thank you x

Reply 4

iamabitstupid

Original post

by Anonymous

I've always liked guys, but as an 18-year-old who's never been in a relationship, I find myself struggling with intimacy. I’ve been in situations where I could kiss someone, but I always manage just a peck before pulling back. While I like the idea of kissing and other sexual things, when the moment comes, I get scared, panic, and don’t know what I’m doing.
I’ve had a lot of issues with my self-esteem, which makes it hard for me to be vulnerable. I’ve convinced myself that nobody could ever truly love me, and as a defense mechanism, I’ve started blocking out boys, telling myself they’re gross to make myself feel better. Seeing many of my friends have horrible experiences with boys, along with my own negative experiences, has reinforced this mindset. I’ve never really seen a healthy relationship up close, so I worry that if I were to get involved with a guy, he would only use me and see me as less than him. Even though I know this isn’t true for everyone, it’s hard to shake these thoughts.
Lately, I’ve also realised I might like girls, but I’m unsure if this is genuine or just a result of my negative feelings about boys. However, when a couple of girls have shown interest in me, I’ve felt the same fear and discomfort that I do with guys.
The idea of someone liking me makes me feel like there’s something wrong with both me and them. If they were to kiss me or take things further, I’d feel like they have some kind of power over me. When I imagine myself in a relationship, I feel stupid and unworthy, immediately finding as many faults in the other person as possible, which I use as a reflection of my own self-doubt.
People may suggest I’m asexual but I know this isn’t true and I know I want a relationship I just feel so confused.
I also forgot to mention that my parents recently split up, which has added even more pressure onto the idea of a relationship. Seeing their marriage end makes me worry that any relationship I get into will probably end the same way.
Some people might suggest that I’m asexual, but I know that isn’t true. I genuinely want a relationship. I’m just so confused.

Hi, I'm 19f and I feel very similarly. I have hindered my own relationships, not letting myself get past heavy kissing and the one time I did sleep with a boy I felt nothing but regret.

In my personal experience, I have felt this way because I have a skin condition which affects my self esteem massively (and also makes me hesitant to be vulnerable with anyone— boy or girl) . Like you, I've also been so afraid that boys would use me and leave me when they got what they wanted. I think both of these things massively impact how you view intimacy and both of these things made any intimacy feel horrible in my experience. I'm just not comfortable with the idea of a one night stand type relationship, and I don't think I could be sober and do something like that. It could be a self esteem thing, combined with the fact that you haven't met someone who makes you feel comfortable enough to be yourself around just yet.

Or, like the other comment said. You could be on the asexual spectrum, which isn't an issue.

I wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself. You might find someone you're comfortable with enough to be intimate with, or you might not be into that. There's nothing wrong with not being particularly sexual and there's someone out there who will be able to accommodate your needs— it might just take a bit of searching.

(edited 10 months ago)

Reply 5

Lana_09

Original post

by Anonymous

I've always liked guys, but as an 18-year-old who's never been in a relationship, I find myself struggling with intimacy. I’ve been in situations where I could kiss someone, but I always manage just a peck before pulling back. While I like the idea of kissing and other sexual things, when the moment comes, I get scared, panic, and don’t know what I’m doing.
I’ve had a lot of issues with my self-esteem, which makes it hard for me to be vulnerable. I’ve convinced myself that nobody could ever truly love me, and as a defense mechanism, I’ve started blocking out boys, telling myself they’re gross to make myself feel better. Seeing many of my friends have horrible experiences with boys, along with my own negative experiences, has reinforced this mindset. I’ve never really seen a healthy relationship up close, so I worry that if I were to get involved with a guy, he would only use me and see me as less than him. Even though I know this isn’t true for everyone, it’s hard to shake these thoughts.
Lately, I’ve also realised I might like girls, but I’m unsure if this is genuine or just a result of my negative feelings about boys. However, when a couple of girls have shown interest in me, I’ve felt the same fear and discomfort that I do with guys.
The idea of someone liking me makes me feel like there’s something wrong with both me and them. If they were to kiss me or take things further, I’d feel like they have some kind of power over me. When I imagine myself in a relationship, I feel stupid and unworthy, immediately finding as many faults in the other person as possible, which I use as a reflection of my own self-doubt.
People may suggest I’m asexual but I know this isn’t true and I know I want a relationship I just feel so confused.
I also forgot to mention that my parents recently split up, which has added even more pressure onto the idea of a relationship. Seeing their marriage end makes me worry that any relationship I get into will probably end the same way.
Some people might suggest that I’m asexual, but I know that isn’t true. I genuinely want a relationship. I’m just so confused.

Hey when your ready then your ready, you maybe nust like girls and guys and just havent found the right one yet, you know relationships arent about sex or kissing or even holding hands, its the communication and the feeling of being cared for and loved for, so maybe you just need time and to find the right person. I mean i dont think anyone would have a reason to nit lime you, you sound amazing and i would love to be even just a friend, if you need anyone to talk to aboht more stuff then you can always, have you talked to your family about this? If not try that becuase they maybe have experienced something similar. Hope this helped x