Did my friend harrass me?
A while ago I (F) went to a club night party with three of my close guy friends, my lovely housemates (F), and another girl friend. Throughout the night, I stayed sober while all of my friends apart from my housemates got drunk. Despite that, all of them were very respectful and treated me like they always have - as a friend - except for one guy. I had previously had problems with him being too touchy with me and making me uncomfortable. I would tell him to stop, he would for a little bit, but he'd always come back to it. And sometimes when he's teasing me and stuff he just doesn't stop until I downright get ****ed off, but because he was a friend and he had been nice to me most of the time, I made excuses for him and stayed friends, but this night crossed all the lines.
He kept touching me literally non-stop, putting his hands on my shoulder, his arm around me, his head leaning on mine, even when I got away or tried to lightly push him off, he'd also pull up my strap and touch my arm when my strap would slightly fall off instead of telling me that it was falling or letting a girl help me out. It was absolutely ruining my night. I was just trying to enjoy and have a good night with my friends, but he kept clinging on to me, even when i was trying to take pictures of myself. Eventually, we all went back to one of my friend's AirBNBs and this is where it got worse. We were all sat on the bed chatting when he suddenly laid his head on my lap. I tried to push his head off and instead he nestled his face in my stomach and hugged me. I was wearing a dress and it was riding up as i was sat criss cross, my bare thighs were out and he put his hand on them as i tried to push my dress back down and move backwards to get his head off. He proceeded to look up at me and tell me how cute and pretty I looked and i actually was so close to crying. I was starting to feel violated and definitely weirded out because I've never thought of him that way. It was also the first time a guy was touching me in an even borderline intimate way, so it felt like a first time that I didn't want. My friend was sitting on a chair next to the bed and I kind of signalled to her that i wanted to move, she caught it and took my place next to my guy friend. A few minutes later, he moved to the chair next to me, laid his head on my shoulder and hugged me. At this point I was going crazy and made a look to my housemate. She immediately caught it again and said it was time to go home so we all left and I just cried to my girls about it. Was this harrassment?
Since then a lot of things have happened, including me finding out that he also made my best friend (lets call her A) uncomfortable by being super touchy with her when she was very drunk. We told him how we felt and he respected our wishes for a while, but then proceeded to be touchy with us even when we told him to stop. After keeping my distance from him, the next time I saw him he got touchy with me again. This guy friend and A are both a part of my closest friendship circle. Eventually, we told the rest of our friends about what happened. Since we're the only two girls, the rest of the guys are very protective of us and were absolutely fuming at him. We all decided collectively to cut him off, as apparently, the guys had also had problems with other bits of his behaviour throughout the year. Sometimes, he texts me every now and then acting nice and I feel bad for cutting him off (I was the one who introduced him to the rest of the group). I have a problem with guilt, so I would wonder if I was justified in not wanting to be friends anymore or if I was being dramatic. Need some objective thoughts
He kept touching me literally non-stop, putting his hands on my shoulder, his arm around me, his head leaning on mine, even when I got away or tried to lightly push him off, he'd also pull up my strap and touch my arm when my strap would slightly fall off instead of telling me that it was falling or letting a girl help me out. It was absolutely ruining my night. I was just trying to enjoy and have a good night with my friends, but he kept clinging on to me, even when i was trying to take pictures of myself. Eventually, we all went back to one of my friend's AirBNBs and this is where it got worse. We were all sat on the bed chatting when he suddenly laid his head on my lap. I tried to push his head off and instead he nestled his face in my stomach and hugged me. I was wearing a dress and it was riding up as i was sat criss cross, my bare thighs were out and he put his hand on them as i tried to push my dress back down and move backwards to get his head off. He proceeded to look up at me and tell me how cute and pretty I looked and i actually was so close to crying. I was starting to feel violated and definitely weirded out because I've never thought of him that way. It was also the first time a guy was touching me in an even borderline intimate way, so it felt like a first time that I didn't want. My friend was sitting on a chair next to the bed and I kind of signalled to her that i wanted to move, she caught it and took my place next to my guy friend. A few minutes later, he moved to the chair next to me, laid his head on my shoulder and hugged me. At this point I was going crazy and made a look to my housemate. She immediately caught it again and said it was time to go home so we all left and I just cried to my girls about it. Was this harrassment?
Since then a lot of things have happened, including me finding out that he also made my best friend (lets call her A) uncomfortable by being super touchy with her when she was very drunk. We told him how we felt and he respected our wishes for a while, but then proceeded to be touchy with us even when we told him to stop. After keeping my distance from him, the next time I saw him he got touchy with me again. This guy friend and A are both a part of my closest friendship circle. Eventually, we told the rest of our friends about what happened. Since we're the only two girls, the rest of the guys are very protective of us and were absolutely fuming at him. We all decided collectively to cut him off, as apparently, the guys had also had problems with other bits of his behaviour throughout the year. Sometimes, he texts me every now and then acting nice and I feel bad for cutting him off (I was the one who introduced him to the rest of the group). I have a problem with guilt, so I would wonder if I was justified in not wanting to be friends anymore or if I was being dramatic. Need some objective thoughts
He likes you and thinks you like him back, he might think the reason your stopping him is you don’t have time for it right now, your tired, your embarrassed, your joking, you want to do it later. I don’t think a guy friend putting his arm around you or laying his head on your shoulder or hugging you is harressment, I have guy best friends and they do it to me a lot so it’s not weird to me but idk about u. But if it doesn’t stop and he’s really making you uncomfortable- avoid him and block him. Your other guy friends will understand if you explain it to them or they can give you better advice,
If this happened at a workplace or Uni then this would prob constitute as harassment, if you have made it clear that his behaviour is making you feel uncomfortable. Whereas it is commonplace and acceptable for friends to hug when meeting, it is unacceptable for the friend to continue touching you throughout the evening if you have asked him to stop.
Original post by Anonymous
He likes you and thinks you like him back, he might think the reason your stopping him is you don’t have time for it right now, your tired, your embarrassed, your joking, you want to do it later. I don’t think a guy friend putting his arm around you or laying his head on your shoulder or hugging you is harressment, I have guy best friends and they do it to me a lot so it’s not weird to me but idk about u. But if it doesn’t stop and he’s really making you uncomfortable- avoid him and block him. Your other guy friends will understand if you explain it to them or they can give you better advice,
Yes this is what my friends think as well. He seems to take a chance with literally any close girl friend he has as after I experienced this our mutual friends also mentioned that he made them uncomfortable and was touchy with them many times even when they've told him time and time again that they don't like it. However, he does it the most to me, even when I've repeatedly told him that I don't like him or any guy friend being touchy with me and none of the others do what he does. And the thing about him thinking the reason I'm stopping him is bc etc. is that I actually have a boyfriend who he also knows well. When this night happened, I didn't, but I made it clear that I liked somebody, and he still continued to be touchy with me even after my boyfriend and I got together.
Original post by Anonymous
He likes you and thinks you like him back, he might think the reason your stopping him is you don’t have time for it right now, your tired, your embarrassed, your joking, you want to do it later. I don’t think a guy friend putting his arm around you or laying his head on your shoulder or hugging you is harressment, I have guy best friends and they do it to me a lot so it’s not weird to me but idk about u. But if it doesn’t stop and he’s really making you uncomfortable- avoid him and block him. Your other guy friends will understand if you explain it to them or they can give you better advice,
and yes I don't mind hugging when meeting or like very commonplace stuff, but touching my thighs etc. and laying on my lap when my dress was riding up was unacceptable to me
Original post by BetaVersion2.9
If this happened at a workplace or Uni then this would prob constitute as harassment, if you have made it clear that his behaviour is making you feel uncomfortable. Whereas it is commonplace and acceptable for friends to hug when meeting, it is unacceptable for the friend to continue touching you throughout the evening if you have asked him to stop.
Unfortunately, this wasn't the only night. I've asked him multiple times throughout the year to stop being touchy with me be it in uni or when we're out with friends, and many, many times made it clear that I'm uncomfortable with guy friends touching me unnecessarily. I don't really mind it so much when other friends do it occasionally, but he does it ALL the time even when I ask him to stop. He only stops when I get really angry but then the next day does the exact same thing.
Well if it's happening while you're at Uni then you may want to consider making a formal complaint. Begin by checking the complaint procedure, and ask your friends if they would be prepared to write witness statements. You can give this guy one final warning that if he doesn't stop then you'll be making a complaint.
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