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Cheating ?

Musiclover199826

My boyfriend of 4 years downloaded an AI app and made numerous explicit photos of women.. basically porn.
To give context, we had a baby in September 2023, and I found him using this app in March 2024, so I truly have no idea how long he’s been using this app for.
I found him making pictures of goth girls with dark lipstick, nicer bodies than mine, girls who basically look nothing like me (especially since I’ve just had a baby nearly a year ago)
I confronted him on this, and he’s been very sorry. He deleted the app, and says he regrets what he’s done but I can’t seem to get over it.
He knew I had been struggling with my body image after having a baby, but we maintained our sex life and never held back or neglected each other’s needs… we were still sexually active.
I don’t feel like he cheated on me per se, I just feel cheated. He gained sexual gratification from somebody other than his partner, so I feel cheated and hurt.

Am I overreacting? How am I supposed to forgive him? I have dreams of him cheating on me now, (I’ve been cheated on in the past so this is quite literally my worst nightmare, especially because we share a child) and I can’t shake how upset and angry this all makes me.

Upon finding this app, he made promises he would be more present in our relationship, that he would initiate more time spent together and go out and do things but absolutely none of that has happened.
What do I do ? Do we go to couples therapy? Do I leave him?
Please help. 😔

Reply 1

Rincewind_Bored

It’s clear that you’re in a deeply painful situation, and it’s understandable that you’re feeling hurt, betrayed, and confused right now. However, there are a few things in your post that might benefit from a more critical reflection.

First, while your feelings of betrayal are valid, it’s important to consider whether you’re conflating your past experiences of being cheated on with this current situation. You’ve stated that you don’t feel like he physically cheated on you, but you still feel cheated. This distinction is crucial because emotional reactions to perceived betrayals can sometimes be amplified by unresolved trauma from past relationships. It’s important to separate the current reality from past wounds, as difficult as that may be.

Second, you’ve mentioned that your partner deleted the app and expressed regret, but you’re still finding it difficult to move past this. It might be worth considering whether you’re holding onto this incident as a way to express deeper, perhaps unaddressed, insecurities about your body and your relationship after having a baby. It’s not uncommon for new mothers to struggle with body image and self-esteem, and these feelings can sometimes be projected onto our partners’ actions, even if those actions aren’t directly related to the core issue.

Moreover, while his promises to be more present in the relationship haven’t been fulfilled, it’s important to ask yourself if you’ve made it clear what you need from him and how his actions have affected you. Men, especially new fathers, can sometimes struggle to understand the emotional weight of their actions or inactions unless it’s explicitly communicated to them.

Lastly, before jumping to conclusions about the need for couples therapy or even leaving him, consider whether you’ve truly given both yourself and him a chance to work through this together. Communication is key, and if you haven’t had a frank and open discussion about how deeply this has hurt you, now might be the time to do so.

Your feelings are real and significant, but it’s also essential to approach this situation with as much clarity and self-awareness as possible. Sometimes, the way we react to a situation says as much about us as it does about the situation itself. Reflect on what you need to feel secure and loved in this relationship, and whether those needs are being communicated effectively. Only then can you make a truly informed decision about your next steps.

Reply 2

Musiclover199826

Thank you, so much. This message has given me a lot of insight!
I do struggle with the unresolved trauma of being cheated on in the past, however it has improved over the years. I don’t fear that my boyfriend will swoon over other women, or ever dare to flirt and give others the impression that he is interested in them.

We’ve spoken very openly about this situation, and I’ve poured my heart out explaining why this has hurt me and how much. His responses are very small, very little to say. Which I don’t blame him, I don’t think he has a very good excuse for doing this, not that his feelings are invalid because they’re very much valid. He explains that he truly doesn’t know why he did such a thing, which leaves me feeling like there are things he isn’t telling me.

We’ve maintained intimacy throughout this conflict, I do however feel guilty at times after being intimate, I have also explained this to him.

Since March, I’ve continued to lose baby weight and become more confident in myself. I’m not feeling back to normal exactly, but I have found a new normal. So the feelings of insecurity, weight wise, have slowly depleted thankfully.
I used to be 100lbs, flat tummy and built. Now I am 130lbs, with a mom pouch lol so it’s all a big adjustment. I do work on my body, health & food intake in order to feel better. I think in the moment, being almost 5 months postpartum it really hurt because my mom pouch was significantly bigger and so was my weight! Losing this weight has unfortunately not changed how I feel about all of this.

We’ve talked numerous times about everything, about things I feel are unfulfilled, changes we both promised to make. I know I’ve met those changes, and I’ve worked harder to be better for him.
But after a few weeks of having said talk, things go back to the way they were before.
Spending loads of time on his phone, not spending direct time with myself and our child. He is aware that I’ve debated on leaving, he’s fully aware that I still am unsure of where I want this relationship to go after all is said and done. That being said, he seems almost okay with losing me if that makes any sense.

Anyways, I’m rambling, sorry. You’re not here to fix my relationship haha just need insight, I’m curious if other people have gone through this!