exhausted and for what

I failed my A-levels, gonna be doing a foundation year. My dad keeps saying how he wishes I wasn't his daughter and that it would make sense if I wasn't bc I would be more smart if I was. I hate my life, I've always been compared, my feelings dismissed. I have a disabled brother so I know that I will have to be working for 2 people and I just feel like im suffocating. I can barely look after myself and now your telling me that I have to look after my brother? Like take him to the toilet, feed him etc? Its not his fault but I just hate how my life is just going to evolve around his needs and HIM. I can't live my own life because of him and my parents have also said that like them, I will have to give up most of my happiness and dreams in order for us both to survive. I just wonder if there is any point to all of this if I can't do what I want to do

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

OP

Original post by Anonymous

I failed my A-levels, gonna be doing a foundation year. My dad keeps saying how he wishes I wasn't his daughter and that it would make sense if I wasn't bc I would be more smart if I was. I hate my life, I've always been compared, my feelings dismissed. I have a disabled brother so I know that I will have to be working for 2 people and I just feel like im suffocating. I can barely look after myself and now your telling me that I have to look after my brother? Like take him to the toilet, feed him etc? Its not his fault but I just hate how my life is just going to evolve around his needs and HIM. I can't live my own life because of him and my parents have also said that like them, I will have to give up most of my happiness and dreams in order for us both to survive. I just wonder if there is any point to all of this if I can't do what I want to do

My parents try and do physical therapy with him and its hard. He is 15 and he always just wants to sit on the sofa and just do nothing. It makes me scream with anger and sometimes I do just wanna scream with anger and tell him that he's selfish, by him not trying to get some stability or support in hims life - im going to have to sacfrice my life and basically be a slave. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh bc it is harsh but its the reality of the situation and I feel so used when I see all my friends doing degrees they wanna do, seeing them plan out their future etc - but I know I will have to be doing things that are both safe bc again, i'm earning for 2 people not 1.
What hurts the most is that my parents are slowly giving up too, my parents are 40 - they will just be getting older. Being the eldest sibling sucks and I always knew abt that stereotype but the past 2 years have only made me realize that unlike many other people my age who are also older siblings - I still have massive amount of pressure.
It's going to sound childish but it's not fair. I wish I could have a normal family

Reply 2

ageshallnot

21

Sometimes you need to be selfish.

(edited 4 weeks ago)

Hi, all of this sounds extremely overwhelming for you! It must be really hard to hear your Dad say that after failing your A levels and to be expected to help to look after your brother when you are struggling yourself. It's amazing that you have been able to share how you are feeling on here. If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide due to what's going on at the moment, please reach out to us and speak to a trained suicide prevention adviser for advice and support. You'll find our contact information on our website: www.papyrus-uk.org

Reply 4

Anonymous #2

Original post by Anonymous

My parents try and do physical therapy with him and its hard. He is 15 and he always just wants to sit on the sofa and just do nothing. It makes me scream with anger and sometimes I do just wanna scream with anger and tell him that he's selfish, by him not trying to get some stability or support in hims life - im going to have to sacfrice my life and basically be a slave. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh bc it is harsh but its the reality of the situation and I feel so used when I see all my friends doing degrees they wanna do, seeing them plan out their future etc - but I know I will have to be doing things that are both safe bc again, i'm earning for 2 people not 1.
What hurts the most is that my parents are slowly giving up too, my parents are 40 - they will just be getting older. Being the eldest sibling sucks and I always knew abt that stereotype but the past 2 years have only made me realize that unlike many other people my age who are also older siblings - I still have massive amount of pressure.
It's going to sound childish but it's not fair. I wish I could have a normal family

Few things to consider:

1.

Learning is a lifelong thing. Society tends to jam it all up when your young which puts pressure on to have a formulated plan when in reality leaving uni till your somewhere under 25 will help make the right decision and chances are if you did it now you’d get an average grade but wait for something you really want to do and do very well at it.
Any undergraduate degree less than a 2:1 (b grade) will be a hinderance later on. The 2:1 is key and worth working for. If you aren’t in the place to do that now then no great loss. Many young people will just mill about making career errors and wasting time before having to get serious around 30 anyway.

2.

Read the book Essentialism. It’s a quick read and talks, in one section, about if you fill the space left by someone else then you are taking their problems etc on. If someone has left a gap you might feel obliged to fill it. Consider not moving into their gap next time and see what they do?

3.

A levels wise. It sounds like you are still young so retake them as an adult. Don’t ignore them. I know someone who flopped big time at a levels, came back refreshed got great grades and is now a top quality a&e doctor. Just happened it wasn’t the right time for her despite all the potential she unlocked later.

4.

You clearly have the critical thinking skills and ability to express yourself so you are most of the way to being you already. Almost everyone has a weird family past or present, often they just can’t express it as thoughtfully as you can so you won’t hear about it. In my experience the family thing gets more intense (and reflective) when you are much older so best advice is find the balance now. I suggest this might look like you doing you and when you are established put all your love, care and resources you have to spare back into them.

5.

Slightly unhelpful advice, but honest, is to do what others have done before who struggle with family stuff. Emigrate. I didn’t realise this was a thing till recently but people who want a bit of space away go and live work abroad. Depending on your family life challenges this could be permanent or temporary. One downside is that if for instance is if mother is a problem for a son then avoiding her for 11 months followed by 1 intensive month doesn’t actually solve the problem…

If none of that is helpful then read the Chimp Paradox, understand more about how and why you are currently feeling the way you are. Walk that Chimp!

Reply 5

Osamu_Dazai123

10

I completely understand you. It's very hard, dealing with all that...

exhausted and for what

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