clashing with my mother due to different personalities?

My mother and I usually get along, but we differ so much, and because we think different ways, we often fall out and clash a lot.

She will often ask me the same questions again and again and to me, it feels like I constantly have to repeat myself or tell her things she already knows. She will then go all quiet and keep pushing me to expand or repeating questions I have already told her recently. Eventually she will just go into a huff and ignore me completely, saying that „I just want you to talk to me“ which I do.

She often compares me and her to my friend and her mother, because they have such a close bond. We also clash on lots of different things, when we have debates I often feel like my words are dismissed because her point of view is always right. Or she will tell me her opinion like it is a fact and expect me to believe it and live it.

I am a very quiet person, I don‘t talk a lot and I enjoy silence, my own privacy, and being alone. On the other hand, She loves to talk, if no one is talking she feels abandoned or even ignored, then gets upset anyways. I also suffer from anxiety especially in social situations, So when I go outside with her, my main focus will be on my surroundings and ways to avoid as many people as possible, So whenever she tries to talk or start a conversation, I feel even more stressed and my focus is taken from my surroundings, and into the conversation, which really makes me scared and uncomfortable. And she knows this too!!

I just wanted to know if I am the problem or not, because I really love my mother, but every-time I try and express how I feel about our conflict or disagreements, she will start crying and It will always make me feel like I did something so wrong.

Reply 1

hypercolius

I have the exact same issue.
One time, I was bullied in my flat and I reported them. When she heard this, she started a massive scandal as she believed the girls would try to respond by claiming I did something vile and illegal. I was also accused of 'snitching' by two people, including her.
She also is self-conscious about wanting me to be her version of 'perfect'. This resulted in near-constant arguments and criticisms in the past, which had the effect of devastating my mental health to the point that I became easily agitated and suspicious of everyone.
She has this really bad habit of, if she forgets something or is ashamed of it, to accuse me of making stuff up. She is also fiercely protective of two people who really badly hurt me in the past and openly said she does not believe me, or that I lack empathy towards elderly people.
I really love her, and I know she loves me, but, because of all of this, I rarely approach her for my problems to be dealt with. When with her, I spend most of my time reading books and crying upstairs instead of spending it with her.
This only stopped affecting us when I visited my GP to be referred for PTSD treatment, and this letter mistakenly got sent to her email address, which explicitly said that I was deeply hurt by her dismissing many of the events that scarred me. She got very upset and immediately changed her behaviour, becoming far more tolerant.
You are not the problem. Not at all. You just have different values. You could always try to talk to her on topics you know you have the same opinion on. When there is a disagreement, ask yourself if 'proving your point' is really worth her tears, or if you could just agree with her to let the situation diffuse.