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How to convince parents to let me move out?

Advice needed ASAP as I need to update my student finance regarding this!

I got rejected from my firm university which is in the city I live in because I was ONE MARK away from getting an A in one of my subjects (my offer was AAA), and I rejected my insurance since I really don’t wanna go there.

Through clearing, I got a spot at a very good russell group university for a competitive course however it’s around 2/3 hours away by train, and the earliest trains start at around 6 so if I had a 9am lecture I would be late.

However, I have extremely controlling muslim parents and my parents are adamant on me not moving out and threaten to disown me if I do. They say I have to either commute or resit/take a gap year which I don’t want to do at all and I’m actually so happy to have been given a spot at this university through clearing. I’ve already applied for accommodation (but not given a room yet) and I’m afraid that everything is gonna go wrong and my parents will manipulate me by crying and claiming that Im ruining their health and prevent me from going.

Even though I know my parents are toxic, I still love my family and don’t want to pick between following my dreams/having freedom or having a good relationship with my family. I also need my family for financial support and if they do disown me over this then I won’t be able to afford pretty much anything such as technology for university and other stuff, and would have no where to stay during holidays. I don’t know what to do.

I am thinking of compromising and telling them that I will have only female accommodation and that I will visit multiple times a week and even have my location on at all times. I know a lot of people see this as bad and that I’m limiting my freedom but I would rather be able to move out and have even a small amount of freedom and not compromise on my education whilst also maintaining their support and a relationship with them. However I’m scared they may not budge even if I tell them this.

Can anyone advise me on how I can convince them to let me move out?? And is it realistic to commute 2.5 hours early?

Reply 1

Stiffy Byng

I think that you have to take the long term view and go away to university. In the short term this will be difficult, but eventually your parents should come to see that you have done a sensible thing. Parents have to learn that children are not their property at any age, and especially not in adulthood. It seems to me that the social conservatism of some Muslim families sadly contributes to inequality and exclusion.

You can demonstrate to your parents that by moving away you do not abandon your cultural identity. Good luck!

PS: universities have support for students who have issues with their families.

Reply 2

Stiffy Byng

PPS: The commuting idea is not a good one. You will be tired, you won't work so well, and you will miss out on many aspects of university life.

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

2.5 hour commute is a lot and would become exhausting very quickly. I recommend trying for female only accommodation if you can. Perhaps also looks at student stories from the accommodation to show your parents the kind of students that study there, to address any fears over it being a ‘party’ place. I would also see if you can go online and show your parents all of the support that the university offers to help keep students safe and come up with a detailed plan of how you would act if anything went wrong to put their minds at ease. Best of luck!!

Reply 4

yaztrabel

Original post by Stiffy Byng

I think that you have to take the long term view and go away to university. In the short term this will be difficult, but eventually your parents should come to see that you have done a sensible thing. Parents have to learn that children are not their property at any age, and especially not in adulthood. It seems to me that the social conservatism of some Muslim families sadly contributes to inequality and exclusion.
You can demonstrate to your parents that by moving away you do not abandon your cultural identity. Good luck!
PS: universities have support for students who have issues with their families.

Thank you so much for your advice! I guess it’s the fear of being alone that prevents me from just going away without having my parents approval. Can you expand on how universities can support students with family issues?

Reply 5

yaztrabel

Original post by Stiffy Byng

PPS: The commuting idea is not a good one. You will be tired, you won't work so well, and you will miss out on many aspects of university life.

A lot of people that I’ve spoken to have said that which is why I really do want to move out. I just wish my parents understood.

Reply 6

yaztrabel

Original post by Anonymous

Thank you for the advice!! I’ve applied for accommodation yesterday and put in my special preferences that I want it to be female only but I’m afraid that since I applied so late it might not happen.

Reply 7

Stiffy Byng

Original post by yaztrabel

I do not know the details, but students estranged from their families are not uncommon. There may be opportunities to stay at university accomodation during vacations, as well as psychological and financial aid. The university can advise.

You might become also perhaps become friends with a student who would invite you to stay with them during vacations, for example a student from a liberal Muslim background.

Reply 8

Stiffy Byng

Original post by yaztrabel

Explain the family circumstances.

Reply 9

jonathanemptage

Original post by yaztrabel

Advice needed ASAP as I need to update my student finance regarding this!
I got rejected from my firm university which is in the city I live in because I was ONE MARK away from getting an A in one of my subjects (my offer was AAA), and I rejected my insurance since I really don’t wanna go there.
Through clearing, I got a spot at a very good russell group university for a competitive course however it’s around 2/3 hours away by train, and the earliest trains start at around 6 so if I had a 9am lecture I would be late.
However, I have extremely controlling muslim parents and my parents are adamant on me not moving out and threaten to disown me if I do. They say I have to either commute or resit/take a gap year which I don’t want to do at all and I’m actually so happy to have been given a spot at this university through clearing. I’ve already applied for accommodation (but not given a room yet) and I’m afraid that everything is gonna go wrong and my parents will manipulate me by crying and claiming that Im ruining their health and prevent me from going.
Even though I know my parents are toxic, I still love my family and don’t want to pick between following my dreams/having freedom or having a good relationship with my family. I also need my family for financial support and if they do disown me over this then I won’t be able to afford pretty much anything such as technology for university and other stuff, and would have no where to stay during holidays. I don’t know what to do.
I am thinking of compromising and telling them that I will have only female accommodation and that I will visit multiple times a week and even have my location on at all times. I know a lot of people see this as bad and that I’m limiting my freedom but I would rather be able to move out and have even a small amount of freedom and not compromise on my education whilst also maintaining their support and a relationship with them. However I’m scared they may not budge even if I tell them this.
Can anyone advise me on how I can convince them to let me move out?? And is it realistic to commute 2.5 hours early?

there is no time to loose it's very important you find out why your parents don't want you to move out if they are very religious (as I suspect is the case) you could recherch local mosques show them the ISOC SU page (you don't actually need to use these things if you don't want to just so you parents think you might). You could also let them know that you can live in girls only accommodation (that will entail a girls only floor where men will only be permitted as guests or on official business like maintenance). Do not have your location on at all times it won't just limit your freedom it will basically shackle you to your room and you don't want that. You could visit at weekend but multiple times a week would be quite unreasonable. You could also point out how this university will benefit your future earning power meaning you can take better care of them in their old age (that a thing in their culture right?). Maybe cook a few meals or do a little house work so they know you can look after yourself that could be a concern you could ally.

If that doesn't work you might have to take some more drastic steps

Buy a cheap pay as you go phone use this to phone your parents letting them know your safe and what not taking care to withhold the number after blocking them from your main phone.

Get a big hold all (hide this) and slowly move over any outfits you want to take with you.

Get a lap top bag for uni and the night before you leave (when your parents are asleep move over all your chargers and the like.

Get the earliest train you can to your uni city sign in to your accommodation and go to buy things you need like soap toothbrush and definitely food.

I know that sounds a bit drastic but sometimes you need to put yourself first and this is one of those times the reason for the phone and blocking your parents on your main phone is thy most likley will try to employ emotional blackmail "Your mother is crying"things like that and you don't need that while trying to move in to uni. use the new phone to let them know your safe (but not which accommodation or where you are). if they start crying and begging hang up immediately turn off and then call back another day hopefully the whole disowning you threat is just that a threat. I'd also advise a job at uni it will really help weather your parents support you or not.

your parents will be angry there is no two ways about it but once your gone hopefully they will get over it and see what you did was sensible, and no a 2.5 hour commute is not realistic.