Protentional crush on somebody living in another country. Please give advice!!

I would like to preface this by saying that I had previously thought myself a lesbian and I found all men pretty repulsive - in the sense of being involved with them. Now I still don't really think of men as attractive.

BUT...

I think I may have a crush on one of my friend's older brothers who lives abroad (he's 18 and I'm 17). They are close family friends and I've been to visit them twice already. After I came back to England I just couldn't stop thinking about him and us potentially being together. The struggle for me is that I can't tell if I'm projecting my want for a significant other onto him and making up a totally new person. This is extra confusing because I don't want to lead him on if I do end up still being gay and not into guys- that would be cruel.

I've just been thinking about us. The idea of spending him with him, being close and kissing. I don't particularly find the idea of s-x with him super appealing. Do you think that comes with time? Anyway I know that I like him as a person its just about whether this infatuation is rooted from genuine desire or just wanting to be closer as a friend.

Please advise.

Reply 1

Old Skool Freak

Nothing ventured, nothing gained 🙂

I don't see the harm in you pursuing him and seeing where things take you; it's the 21st Century now, and unless you're of a certain religion(s), no one really cares who dates who anymore. Also, you're at an age when you still might be trying to work out who / what you are. Talking of which... rather than being full-on lesbian, do you think there's a possibility / chance you might be Bi-curious (but with a strong bias towards women)? Apparently even some gay guys will visit women prostitutes to confirm their sexuality LMFAO. Not sure if girls do this as well, but you sometimes hear guys (jokingly) saying, "I'd go 'gay' for XYZ"

Nothing wrong with telling him you find him attractive, and you'd like something to happen between the two of you; after all, having a crush isn't exactly a marriage proposal is it?!? Personally, I would say that you'd need to be dating someone for at least 2-3 months to know if it's going anywhere. You can be upfront with him about your history / sexuality and see if he's willing to date you in spite of that, or not say anything and make your excuses if you find that you do exclusively like girls after all.

I've always said that if people are more open minded, and are willing to date others who aren't their usual "type", they may find that they're compatible with a lot more people than they thought. They may also learn more about themselves, as that person may bring out different aspects of their personality / character. However, I've said this in the context of heterosexual relationships / couplings; still, I guess the logic still applies in your case?

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by Old Skool Freak

Nothing ventured, nothing gained 🙂
I don't see the harm in you pursuing him and seeing where things take you; it's the 21st Century now, and unless you're of a certain religion(s), no one really cares who dates who anymore. Also, you're at an age when you still might be trying to work out who / what you are. Talking of which... rather than being full-on lesbian, do you think there's a possibility / chance you might be Bi-curious (but with a strong bias towards women)? Apparently even some gay guys will visit women prostitutes to confirm their sexuality LMFAO. Not sure if girls do this as well, but you sometimes hear guys (jokingly) saying, "I'd go 'gay' for XYZ"
Nothing wrong with telling him you find him attractive, and you'd like something to happen between the two of you; after all, having a crush isn't exactly a marriage proposal is it?!? Personally, I would say that you'd need to be dating someone for at least 2-3 months to know if it's going anywhere. You can be upfront with him about your history / sexuality and see if he's willing to date you in spite of that, or not say anything and make your excuses if you find that you do exclusively like girls after all.
I've always said that if people are more open minded, and are willing to date others who aren't their usual "type", they may find that they're compatible with a lot more people than they thought. They may also learn more about themselves, as that person may bring out different aspects of their personality / character. However, I've said this in the context of heterosexual relationships / couplings; still, I guess the logic still applies in your case?

Hey thanks for the advice,

I'm just not sure if I want to tell him to early bc I'm worried that he'll prematurely reject me. Like if I wait he may develop feelings for me in the meantime?! I don't know if this is skewed logic. I've been rejected by people a few times and it doesn't feel great. ig I want to protect myself.

Reply 3

Old Skool Freak

Original post by Anonymous

Hey thanks for the advice,
I'm just not sure if I want to tell him to early bc I'm worried that he'll prematurely reject me. Like if I wait he may develop feelings for me in the meantime?! I don't know if this is skewed logic. I've been rejected by people a few times and it doesn't feel great. ig I want to protect myself.

Does your friend (his sister) know about your sexual orientation? If so, then it may be best if he knows how the cards are stacked from the outset. Maybe let him know, and then start flirting, and play it by ear. If after he finds out your sexuality he keeps his distance, then you know he's not interested... on the other hand, if he responds to your flirting / advances, you know he's OK with it. On the other hand, if you try and conceal it, and your friend lets the cat out the bag, then it'll seem like you've lied to him.

Unlike girls & bi guys, most straight guys won't have a problem with bisexual girls... In fact, they may secretly love it in the vague hope that one day they'll agree to a threesome (bloody perves lol). Not sure how you'll feel about this, but I had a f**k buddy who was supposedly a lesbian... she was 25 and hadn't touched a guy since she was 13-14, but I seemed to charm her after she had a messy break-up. Lasted 3 months and she opened my mind (let's leave it at that :wink:

)

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by Old Skool Freak

Does your friend (his sister) know about your sexual orientation? If so, then it may be best if he knows how the cards are stacked from the outset. Maybe let him know, and then start flirting, and play it by ear. If after he finds out your sexuality he keeps his distance, then you know he's not interested... on the other hand, if he responds to your flirting / advances, you know he's OK with it. On the other hand, if you try and conceal it, and your friend lets the cat out the bag, then it'll seem like you've lied to him.
Unlike girls & bi guys, most straight guys won't have a problem with bisexual girls... In fact, they may secretly love it in the vague hope that one day they'll agree to a threesome (bloody perves lol). Not sure how you'll feel about this, but I had a f**k buddy who was supposedly a lesbian... she was 25 and hadn't touched a guy since she was 13-14, but I seemed to charm her after she had a messy break-up. Lasted 3 months and she opened my mind (let's leave it at that :wink:

)

He's probably heard it mentioned (my sexuality), its not a secret or anything. As for the anecdote (good for you mate if that's what you want) if things to pan out with this guy I would want it to be something serious, after all he is a close family friend and I like him as a person more than just attraction. Also I have no fing clue how to flirt, my friends just say that it cannot be explained 🤦*♀️

Reply 5

Old Skool Freak

Original post by Anonymous

Hey,

In that case you'd need to tell him about your sexuality and how you feel about him. Although you would like it to get serious, it takes two to tango, so unless he's on the same wavelength... it may not pan out exactly how you want it to (although that's not to say that it won't become a valuable relationship of some description). Just don't have too many expectation to start with and play it by ear (you never know, HE might be the one who gives you "The Ick"). If you don't have massive expectations, then you won't get hurt as much if things don't pan-out as you'd like; however, if after a couple of months you're both happy with things, then by all means, start making wedding plans and thinking of babies names LMFAO. 😍👰👶

As for flirting, keep it simple. Compliments are a good start... if you think he's good looking, then tell him. Maybe pick a feature about him that you like and build on that. ON the other hand, if he's good at a sport, then watch him compete / perform and tell him how great you thought he was. Another thing what people do when they've got a very good rapport going is "Mirroring"... this is when people (subconsciously) copy the other persons body-language or stance /pose. Just to test, next time you've got a really chill or cool conversation going with one of your mates, take a note at their body-language; there's a good chance you're both posing very similarly (e.g. similarly positioned arms).

Similarly, when talking to him (in person), as well as all the usual polite protocols, you want to be looking at his face a lot and smiling. Eye contact in any conversation obviously good, but don't stare like a psycho... to avoid the creepy stare, when talking form a triangle between his eyes and his mouth, and shift between these three focal points when speaking; Sometimes tilting your head can help as it's like you're imagining what he's saying. Also, lightly touch his forearm when he says something funny or endearing.