English GCSE Creative Writing - could anyone give me advice on how to improve

Write a story with the title: The Party
What was I thinking? I carefully paced around my room, dodging the enormous pile of clothes I’d tried on. I knew I had to clean it up later, made obvious by the disappointed stare my mum gave me, but I was too busy thinking about my appearance to care. This was it. My first party ever, and I had to look my absolute best; nothing else would do.
Excitement suffocated the room as I got ready for what was to be the best night ever, I simply couldn’t wait! Katy Perry’s ‘Teenage Dream’ blared through the speakers as I danced like never before. Before I got carried away, I reminded myself to send a message to my friends (Kara and Lucy) asking where I should meet them - I mean nobody wants to show up alone, right? I spent what felt like forever cleansing, exfoliating, shaving, moisturising, plucking and polishing - and all the other things that when I mention, my mum props her hands on her hips and gives me another one of her looks. But, it was all worth it. My mouth split into a grin as I admired my reflection. Perfect.
“Are you ready to leave?” my mum asked, echoing across the house
“Coming!” I answered
As I stepped out of the car, I was practically jumping with joy; this was it! After waving goodbye to my mum, I frantically checked for any replies to my message - none. Suddenly, a wave of panic swept over me, which was unsettling to say the least.
‘Maybe they’re already inside’ I told myself
Walking up the stairs, I tried to prepare myself for the worst whilst hoping for the best. I swung the doors wide open. I could only take a few steps inside before I was met with wasted bodies closely packing themselves onto mine, suffocating the air around me. The atmosphere intoxicated my system and deafening music blared into my ears, leaving no room for my thoughts. I was frozen, too scared to move. My eyes darted across the room in hopes of finding either of my friends, but my vision was clouded. My eyes watered. Realising the situation that I was in, hot tears began streaming down my face. I squeezed my eyelids shut in the hopes that my tears would stop but those efforts were futile. I began to question why the universe made my life such a wreck, the first and only time I’d been invited to a party quickly turned into the worst. Why? Where are they? Why would they do this to me? Why did I even bother?
All of my thoughts came flooding at once, each more intense than the last.
“Hey, you don’t look too good. Are you ok?” a mysterious figure asked me
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I sniffled, wiping away my tears. “See”
“I’m Holly, and you?” she asked
“Maria” I mumbled
“Come with us Maria” she said in a cheerful tone, pointing towards her friends down the hallway “trust me”
Without saying another word, I followed her lead - like a dog. I looked like a mess. I had mascara running down my face which alone was enough for me to consider leaving - but I didn’t. I chose to stay, and that was the best decision I could’ve made. Somehow one of the worst nights turned into one of the best. I smiled as I thought to myself ‘What was I thinking?’.

Instantly with your writing I can tell there's a lot of techniques being used but they're often not used with enough fluency. I think you need more foregrounding rather than describing exclusively what's happening in the scene in that present moment with thoughts and feelings attached on the end. Think about a camera panning around the room and set your scene. You're very much a "this is happening, and now this is happening" kind of writer, and I think some proper foregrounding and 'scene-setting' types of description would really help you to get out of that habit and elevate your writing. I'd suggest some pathetic fallacy or some simple personification.
For positives, I'm a massive fan of your metaphors and your varied punctuation. This is something that's especially lacking in a lot of creative writing that I see - so it's definitely a special skill to have. Your single-sentence paragraphs are really effective in grabbing the examiner's attention and making you stand out from the crowd, and this in pair with the positive to negative turning point in the middle of the writing is what most teachers will tell you to do. It's the most low-effort high-gain thing you can do to get a good grade in English.
Overall, pretty solid piece of writing. However I think it needs more technique fluency to yield a better writer's voice and perceptive publishing quality, which is what grade 8/9ers have. In fact in the mark scheme I think it verbatim says 'publishing potential' or something like that.

Thank you for the honest feedback, il definitely take it into account and keep practicing