Am I being a mug?

So about two years ago I started working at a bar whilst obviously being at uni. I met this girl there. We had conversations sometimes but we were never really close. I left the job for a few months because of uni deadlines, then I returned and the girl was still working there. As like before, we didn’t see much or talk to each other much, but me and her were assigned to work somewhere together and then we got to know each other and we started talking a lot more. She felt comfortable to tell me her issues, including her boyfriend issues and I would listen and give her advice.

Then we started talking outside of work but it was mainly about her boyfriend and how he was playing with her feelings, the way he would talk down on her and gaslight her. But also at the same time she was being very flirty with me and asking me if I was her type. I never gave her a straight answer because I felt like if I entertained her knowing she still had feelings for her boyfriend and she was doing this because she assumed he was going to leave her, she would use me and dump me when things got better with her boyfriend. My sister also warned me to not entertain her romantically, so I made things platonic. But we always talked about her mental health struggles as a result of her boyfriend putting her down, and generally stressing her with his behaviour. She was suicidal and I was there comforting her. And he would abandon her for days and never text her. She would say that she no longer wanted to be with him, but when he came back, she would be back with him again. She would give him most of her money and everything. I really felt like she was only using me to ***** about her bf and I didn’t mind because she said she had no one to talk to. Even though I had my own issues, I still lowkey put her issues first before sorting mine. Despite what we would talk about and she realising that he was using her, she always took him back and gave him money, even when he just wasted it.

Then she stopped messaging me less. I also left her because I was drained. I was not her boyfriend and she had one, so at this point I felt like rather than stress me about her issues which her boyfriend was causing her and she still wanted him back, then she could tell him since she knew what he was but didn’t want to leave. However, she messaged me a week later and was like I abandoned her and left her. In my mind, I’m confused because she hasn’t messaged me so why is it my responsibility to message her and check up on her? And she was only messaging me to complain and the same boyfriend and how he was affecting me, treating her rubbish, and making her life hell. I was over but I tolerated it because she had no one to talk too and her mental health was struggling again. Again, I was going through my own stuff but I was making time to listen to her and give her advice. Then we stopped speaking for 2 weeks and again she never bothered to reach out to me or message me. I messaged her again a few days ago because she’s emotionally made it seem like I’m responsible for her wellbeing because she used to say things like “I can’t do this without you”. She sees the message and she replies that I’ve forgotten about her and something along the lines of I’m acting prestigious and stuck up. I replied telling her I’m busy and 3 days has almost passed and she hasn’t replied.

I feel like a mug and I’m angry at myself. I’ve vowed never to be too nice again but I can’t stop. I’m always nice to people who never deserve it. I always go out of my way and support people, they drain me emotionally and then dump me. This is why I don’t like friendships with girls, and I chose to avoid being friendly with girls because this is always my experience with them. They always use me for emotional support when they have boyfriends and then dump me and expect me to be the one approaching them. I’m trying to change but its always the same cycle again and I’m fed up with myself.

You're not being a mug and this isn't something that you should judge yourself for. There is nothing wrong with providing emotional support to others. It's a really good, positive thing to do. But it is important that you set your own boundaries. Not only do you have your own issues to deal with, but you also have your own limits when it comes to things like this. You cannot do everything and you cannot fix all of the problems that people tell you about. In this particular situation I am struggling to see where the actual friendship is here. This girls seems to be using you as a source of emotional support, and you're allowing that, but you haven't said anything about any substantive friendship you have outside of that. You may have one, but there is more than a slight hint here of you ultimately hoping that this girl will break up with her boyfriend and get with you. I may be wrong about that, but even if I am, this is friendship that does not seem to be working for you at all. I understand that you are helping her, and you may well be concerned about where she will get support from if you stop speaking to her. But, and this is important, she is not your responsibility. That may sound harsh. I don't mean it to be. I am also someone who helps people a lot, and when I was younger I was in a few situations like this, where I simply couldn't provide the support that was needed and the whole relationship just drained me. I must have thought at the time, even subconsciously, that I was under some sort of obligation to see this through. But I wasn't, and you are not. Saying that she is not your responsibility is not intended to be mean. It is practical and realistic. You can't solve her problems, and you are entitled to live your own life and have space to meet your own needs without the pressures of this friendship. So no, do not judge yourself and do not stop being someone who is there for others. But do acknowledge that you just also meet your own needs, and that it is ok to place clear boundaries on or just simply cut off friendships like this.

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Monrose344

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Original post by Crazy Jamie

You're not being a mug and this isn't something that you should judge yourself for. There is nothing wrong with providing emotional support to others. It's a really good, positive thing to do. But it is important that you set your own boundaries. Not only do you have your own issues to deal with, but you also have your own limits when it comes to things like this. You cannot do everything and you cannot fix all of the problems that people tell you about. In this particular situation I am struggling to see where the actual friendship is here. This girls seems to be using you as a source of emotional support, and you're allowing that, but you haven't said anything about any substantive friendship you have outside of that. You may have one, but there is more than a slight hint here of you ultimately hoping that this girl will break up with her boyfriend and get with you. I may be wrong about that, but even if I am, this is friendship that does not seem to be working for you at all. I understand that you are helping her, and you may well be concerned about where she will get support from if you stop speaking to her. But, and this is important, she is not your responsibility. That may sound harsh. I don't mean it to be. I am also someone who helps people a lot, and when I was younger I was in a few situations like this, where I simply couldn't provide the support that was needed and the whole relationship just drained me. I must have thought at the time, even subconsciously, that I was under some sort of obligation to see this through. But I wasn't, and you are not. Saying that she is not your responsibility is not intended to be mean. It is practical and realistic. You can't solve her problems, and you are entitled to live your own life and have space to meet your own needs without the pressures of this friendship. So no, do not judge yourself and do not stop being someone who is there for others. But do acknowledge that you just also meet your own needs, and that it is ok to place clear boundaries on or just simply cut off friendships like this.

At first before she really confided to me about how bad things were, I was going to consider going there romantically but I realised that she would only be using me and that I would only like her because she likes me and not because I generally really like her that way (if you understand what I'm trying to say). After telling my sister about it and she told me not to do it or entertain her, and I also thought about it and chose not to. Which I see was the right decision. Since then, its been platonic and whenever she's said flirty things, I instantly put it down so she stopped. We talked about other things but its always mainly related to the stress she's going through and she then complains about her bf. I had to talk this girl from potentially offing herself. And she would send me very long paragraphs and voice notes but I listened, because I know what it feels like to have no one be there to listen to you. However, its always when she needed to complain about work, managers, people, her bf, her life in general. We never really had a friendship outside of that. I've had so many issues like this with girls and I'm happy that girls feel comfortable to talk to me, but what I don't like is when they have a partner there but then want to burden me with everything emotionally and then act like we never knew each other. If its a friendship check in to see how I am and not just make it one way. I know that its not only girls that do it, but its just my experience with them and why I avoid getting too friendly with them, because I deserve more than being there to be used

Am I being a mug?

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