English Language GCSE Eduqas - creative writing help please!!

I've always hated creative writing and recently I got 16/40 on it with a band 2-3 so I'm looking to improve, if anyone has any advice on what I could do better or what they disliked feel free to let me know :smile:

Write a story with the title: The Party

I carefully paced around my room, dodging the enormous pile of clothes I’d tried on. I knew I had to clean it up later, made obvious by the disappointed stare my mum gave me, but I was too busy thinking about my appearance to care. This was it. My first party ever, and I had to look my absolute best; nothing else would do.

My room was simple. I had a large oak bookshelf - overflowing with books - that towered over my bed, surrounded by walls that once shone ivory white but instead drowned in revision. It grew fond of the dark, but not today. Excitement suffocated the room as I got ready for what was to be the best night ever, I simply couldn’t wait! Katy Perry’s ‘Teenage Dream’ blared through the speakers as I danced like never before. Before I got carried away, I reminded myself to send a message to my friends (Lily and Tia) asking where I should meet them - I mean no one wants to show up alone, right? I spent what felt like forever cleansing, exfoliating, shaving, moisturising, plucking and polishing - and all the other things that when I mention, my mum props her hands on her hips and gives me another one of her looks. But, it was all worth it. My mouth split into a grin as I admired my reflection. Perfect.

“Are you ready to leave?” my mum asked, echoing across the house
“Coming!” I answered

As I stepped out of the car, I was practically jumping with joy; this was it! After waving goodbye to my mum, I frantically checked my phone for any replies to my message - none. Suddenly, a wave of panic swept over me, which was unsettling to say the least.

‘Maybe they’re already inside’ I told myself

Fidgeting with my hair, I took a deep breath. Low leaden clouds piled on top of each other as I swung the doors wide open. Bang! I should’ve expected for heads to turn but my hands began uncontrollably sweating. I was smacked with reality. I was met with wasted bodies throwing themselves onto mine, suffocating me with no remorse - deafening music blared into my ears, I was unable to hear my thoughts. I was frozen, too scared to move. My eyes darted across the room in hopes of finding either of my friends, but my vision was clouded. My eyes watered. My body grew weaker as the music pounded through it. Letting everything sink in, tears began streaming down my face. I squeezed my eyelids shut in the hopes that my tears would stop but those efforts were futile.

This was it. My first party ever, and I looked like a mess.

Mascara ran down my face as my lip trembled. I was practically shaking with fear, fear and doubt. Why did I bother? Where were they? I would be lying if I said I didn’t care, because I did, but alI I wanted to do was cry and cry and cry until my tears ran dry and my body was numb. My body craved the dark. It was familiar and never left, a place where my thoughts ran loose, where I felt safe. I didn’t care; I had to get out of here - and so I did.

And here I was, smiling like a lunatic as I admired my room - my plain, boring, simple room.

Reply 1

alate

I think your piece is really good, maybe try using some higher tier vocabulary ( just google gcse higher tier vocab and they'll be loads ). I think your varied sentence structure was good though but I think they are looking for a bit more to be written as it is a 40 marker