The Student Room Group

what to do when it feels like everything is pointless and coming to an end

I'm going to start sixth form soon, but I just don't feel happy or excited for it anymore. My parents have gained a lot of health issues over the past year (severe diabetes, liver cirrhosis) and I was too distracted by academics to focus on that, focusing for GCSEs when I shouldve spent that time with my family. I want to get a job, like a retail job or anything, because I want to contribute to an income, give back in some way, because my parents work so hard and I've been really ungrateful and arrogant these past years. But I also want to live my life as a 16 year old. I want to succeed academically, and spend time doing so much, which I can't do if I get a job. If I try to do everything, succeed at academics and get a job, I don't think I'll be able to cope emotionally and I know I would be very stressed and burnt out. I already have a lot on my plate right now. But I fear that I'll spend all this time on academics, work and university applications that I'll permanently miss the time I could have spent with my family. I don't want to have missed all that precious time. What if they pass away soon? What if I'm left with nothing but academics? What if, by the time I finish university, they won't remember me because they suffer from dementia? I can't imagine my life without my family. All the efforts I put into academics, into work, is pointless if they're not there alongside my journey. They're so completely and overwhelmingly pointless. I have a constant headache from the stress I have thinking about this, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to pursue academics, spend my time attending lectures, researching, but there's nothing I care about more than family. How do I get this time? How do I excel at both? Can I excel at both or should I just give up on academics? There's just this sinking feeling in my stomach that I don't have a lot of time with my parents. I'm really scared
There is a lot to unpack there, especially as your family and future are probably two of the biggest things for a person of your age to be worrying about. First thing to say is I wouldn't beat yourself up about your parents too much, most parents just want what is best for their kids, and I would be surprised if they would want you to sacrifice your future just to be spending some time with them at this point. On the other side, spending time with our loved ones while we can is important, even if they are not sick - nobody will be on this earth forever and we all only have a finite amount of time to spend with each other anyway. I think that if you put your mind to it that there is a solution you can achieve both things here. You need to have a think about what spending time with your folks looks like, if they are sick are they housebound or are they active and very outdoorsy? I ask because if they are housebound then spending time with them can fit in with your studies, just keeping somebody company by being in the same room as them can be a comfort and satisfying. On the other hand if spending time with them involves being outside all weekend then that would not going to fit in with studies very well so making some time for an activity every week or two might be a better way to achieve it. If you have just done your GCSE's then you are two years away from university at the moment, so I would not worry too much about that at this stage, although I did read a report the other day that an increasing number of students are choosing to go to a university within driving distance of their home so that they do not have to live away from home and incur the costs of student accommodation. This might be something for you to consider, depending on your aspirations for university. I would plan a schedule for you to work within, my daughter used to have 'freedom fridays' while she was studying for her A levels, which was a day that she set aside where she would not plan any school studies or homework but would keep that as a day to plan to see friends or have her hair done etc. You could adopt a similar strategy for spending some time with your family, whilst giving yourself clear boundaries for time dedicated to studies and what is family time. It doesn't even necessarily need to be weekly, you could alternate one week for your family and the next week that day is for you - doesn't even need to be the same day or even one day, just have a plan for what you will do and when. You sound like you are panicking a bit, so I would take a little time to think about what spending time with your family would mean to you and them, and then plan how you can make that work with your studies and I am sure that you will find a solution that works to achieve both of these important things in your life. I hope you work it out, but just remember I am sure that your parents would not want you to give up on your hopes for your future and would be proud that you are thinking of putting them first at such a time.
Reply 2
Original post by BeingBoring
There is a lot to unpack there, especially as your family and future are probably two of the biggest things for a person of your age to be worrying about. First thing to say is I wouldn't beat yourself up about your parents too much, most parents just want what is best for their kids, and I would be surprised if they would want you to sacrifice your future just to be spending some time with them at this point. On the other side, spending time with our loved ones while we can is important, even if they are not sick - nobody will be on this earth forever and we all only have a finite amount of time to spend with each other anyway. I think that if you put your mind to it that there is a solution you can achieve both things here. You need to have a think about what spending time with your folks looks like, if they are sick are they housebound or are they active and very outdoorsy? I ask because if they are housebound then spending time with them can fit in with your studies, just keeping somebody company by being in the same room as them can be a comfort and satisfying. On the other hand if spending time with them involves being outside all weekend then that would not going to fit in with studies very well so making some time for an activity every week or two might be a better way to achieve it. If you have just done your GCSE's then you are two years away from university at the moment, so I would not worry too much about that at this stage, although I did read a report the other day that an increasing number of students are choosing to go to a university within driving distance of their home so that they do not have to live away from home and incur the costs of student accommodation. This might be something for you to consider, depending on your aspirations for university. I would plan a schedule for you to work within, my daughter used to have 'freedom fridays' while she was studying for her A levels, which was a day that she set aside where she would not plan any school studies or homework but would keep that as a day to plan to see friends or have her hair done etc. You could adopt a similar strategy for spending some time with your family, whilst giving yourself clear boundaries for time dedicated to studies and what is family time. It doesn't even necessarily need to be weekly, you could alternate one week for your family and the next week that day is for you - doesn't even need to be the same day or even one day, just have a plan for what you will do and when. You sound like you are panicking a bit, so I would take a little time to think about what spending time with your family would mean to you and them, and then plan how you can make that work with your studies and I am sure that you will find a solution that works to achieve both of these important things in your life. I hope you work it out, but just remember I am sure that your parents would not want you to give up on your hopes for your future and would be proud that you are thinking of putting them first at such a time.

Hi, I just wanted to say thankyou for your reply. My parents are not very active and do have some mobility issues, but they do like to go outdoors nonetheless. I remember during January time, my parents, sister and cousin planned a cinema outing, which I refused because I wanted to revise for gcses that were in May. We hadn't travelled anywhere the whole of that year, not even Christmas, because they didn't want to disturb my revision, and so that was practically the only time we had done something family-like in a long while. Fast forward to exam season, I was so stressed out that i couldn't sleep, kept throwing up and stressing so much that my face would turn red and I would start shivering. During that time, my family supported me so much and probably saved me, and I put them through so much stress as well because of my constant worrying. When I realised that that was the lowest and probably most stressed part of my life, I knew I was doing something wrong because I shouldn't care more deeply about academics than I have cared about anything else in my life. So, to be honest, I don't really know how to spend time with my family. They do appreciate that I'm just there, watching a movie with them or scrolling through social media with them, but I don't know how to spend this time so that I make the most of it.

Also, thank you so much for the 'freedom friday' idea - I think i could probably incorporate that once every 2 weeks, and our sixth form ends early on that day too, which is a good advantage. Thankyou so much for your advice 🙂 I wish you and your family a lovely day
No problem, I hope you find the solution that works for you. Just remember there's no right or wrong answer here, and just because you start doing one thing doesn't mean it can't change. If you are not sure about what spending time with your family looks like yet then think about simple things like family meals - are you a family that sit down regularly together to eat at the same time? If not then maybe suggest one day a week where you all do that, no phones at the table, just conversation about what you're doing at school or films you'd like to watch. It doesn't have to be big gestures, just going for a walk on a Sunday morning and grabbing a coffee at a cafe occasionally can be good. It's just important to do something regularly even if it's just a small thing. You'll work it out!

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