Scared of losing her as a friend

A few weeks ago, I met an amazing girl in my university and was hoping we would eventually become a thing. She wrote me today and told me about her boyfriend in the context of him visiting for a week and her being unable to take my call (I wanted to discuss a research project, we have extremely similar topics).

And now I am really scared of losing her. Year 2 was truly awful because two of my friends left me.
1) The first situation was simple. I was having a nice discussion, trying to help her find work. I made a joke that if she went ahead with an idea I found that she could put a Datawell Waverider in the Bay of Biscay to send me rogue wave records with. Shortly afterwards, she blocked me on instagram and then told me that she did it because her boyfriend threw a tantrum that I was writing her too much. I was writing her once every 3-5 days. I cried for a bit and then calmed down.
2) The second situation was worse. I was really close friends with another girl, and, I felt, was friends with her boyfriend too. One time, however, she invited me to her room because I offered to prepare for a presentation. I agreed, but then panicked because we were alone and kept fiddling with and adjusting the part of my fleece near my neck. Avoiding her eyes. Later on, I gave her a gift when leaving. I intended to thank her, specifically, for not making fun of my interest in mushrooms (I often call myself 'Dr. Boletus' because of it now!). I texted her asking her not to eat it at once and share with her boyfriend. Immediately after, she became extremely distant, and my stress levels rose until she wrote a dismissive and unkind message in December. This started an argument between us which felt like she ripped my heart out and stomped on it.

So yes, I do interpret that as a serious threat to a friendship. I have a third friend who is also taken but feel safe with her, but feel it was a one-off event.

Would it be OK if I did this?
1) My fear was not specifically not being in a relationship with her, but losing her 'completely'.
2) How should I reply to her message? I want to immediately find out what she wouldn't like me doing, but probably not the best idea, and I have been warned by my 'third friend' about what I typically do when I get scared about something.
3) She is afraid of flying. Yesterday I experienced about 20 minutes of really nasty turbulence. Despite being afraid, I managed to stop worrying because I thought of using a bottle of water to observe how bad it was by seeing how much the water moved. I wanted to send her two short videos I took of this, showing the wings shaking and, at the same time, how little the water moved.

Reply 1

Zarek

What you’re doing is bonkers. Stop fixating on girls that are unavailable or not interested and look for someone you can have a proper relationship with

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by Zarek

What you’re doing is bonkers. Stop fixating on girls that are unavailable or not interested and look for someone you can have a proper relationship with

Seems nobody is available or interested in me these days except PhD students 10 years older than me

Reply 3

Zarek

Original post by Anonymous

Seems nobody is available or interested in me these days except PhD students 10 years older than me

Finding a partner can be a compromise between who you ideally want and who you can attract

(edited 2 weeks ago)

Reply 4

Dunnig Kruger

Life can be either hell on earth or heaven on earth. It's largely down to you which of those it is. With this being largely down to your core inner philosophy.

For someone who is living in heaven on earth, the loss of 2 friends in a year at uni would be neither here nor there. Because they'd be expanding their social circle on an ongoing basis.

A guy that's living in heaven on earth is more attractive than one living in hell on earth.

Lighten up. Focus on the positives. Laugh at the negatives. Proceed with meeting new people without fear. Pursue your passions and interests. Study hard, work hard, and fill your leisure time with adventures and mini-adventures. Be sociable. Break the ice with other students at every opportunity. Have fun interactions with them. Make it man to woman by teasing and flirting in a hilarious (not too insulting) way with women you're attracted to.

Try to cut out typical nice guy mistakes. Such as white-knighting. Or giving presents. Or putting yourself in the provider frame instead of the lover frame. Or putting her on a pedestal.

Never put yourself down. EG by giving yourself a slightly derogatory nickname of Dr Boletus.
Don't boast.
Just be quietly confident. With a big dose of positivity and enthusiasm.

With women you're attracted to: play to win. Don't play to not lose.
Don't send the sort of messages your grandmother would send. That's playing too safe.
You've gotta risk losing them to maximise your chances of winning. Sending your turbulence video would be fine. Especially if you wrapped it with the right caption. EG This was the coolest plane ever! It was flying by flapping its' wings like a bird.

For the girl with the angry boyfriend, you could have messaged her "Your boyfriend threw a controlling tantrum. I'll be disappointed if you didn't show him who's boss." Or "Your boyfriend threw a tantrum. Did you put him on the naughty step? One minute per his age in years."

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Original post by Dunnig Kruger

Life can be either hell on earth or heaven on earth. It's largely down to you which of those it is. With this being largely down to your core inner philosophy.
For someone who is living in heaven on earth, the loss of 2 friends in a year at uni would be neither here nor there. Because they'd be expanding their social circle on an ongoing basis.
A guy that's living in heaven on earth is more attractive than one living in hell on earth.
Lighten up. Focus on the positives. Laugh at the negatives. Proceed with meeting new people without fear. Pursue your passions and interests. Study hard, work hard, and fill your leisure time with adventures and mini-adventures. Be sociable. Break the ice with other students at every opportunity. Have fun interactions with them. Make it man to woman by teasing and flirting in a hilarious (not too insulting) way with women you're attracted to.
Try to cut out typical nice guy mistakes. Such as white-knighting. Or giving presents. Or putting yourself in the provider frame instead of the lover frame. Or putting her on a pedestal.
Never put yourself down. EG by giving yourself a slightly derogatory nickname of Dr Boletus.
Don't boast.
Just be quietly confident. With a big dose of positivity and enthusiasm.
With women you're attracted to: play to win. Don't play to not lose.
Don't send the sort of messages your grandmother would send. That's playing too safe.
You've gotta risk losing them to maximise your chances of winning. Sending your turbulence video would be fine. Especially if you wrapped it with the right caption. EG This was the coolest plane ever! It was flying by flapping its' wings like a bird.
For the girl with the angry boyfriend, you could have messaged her "Your boyfriend threw a controlling tantrum. I'll be disappointed if you didn't show him who's boss." Or "Your boyfriend threw a tantrum. Did you put him on the naughty step? One minute per his age in years."

I laughed so hard when I read your comment that I almost forgot about what happened.
The problem with me is I have serious anxiety. I can barely control it. When several things worry me at once it can take something as small as someone walking into my room when I am working to cause a panic attack in me.
Thing is, I am really trying to do all of this. I am trying to meet new people, I have made plans for next year in regards to clubs and societies, but the memory of past losses is really painful to me now. How many friends do I have? 2. How many close friends? 1, and she is in the US right now.
I don't really know how to flirt in a non-insulting way. I just objectively suck at that in general.
But, indeed, I don't care what happens until I find the right person. Really.
As for the angry boyfriend issue, next time I'll just write that. The girl in question had an unhealthy interest in bondage anyway. Might give her some ideas.