Difficulties with best friends

I have a best friend and she’s generally great- she goes out of her way to do nice things for me (which I reciprocate) and is mostly there for me when I need her.

The only problem is that she manages to say things that make me really insecure about myself. She’ll make blunt negative comments about my appearance, but usually about things I can’t change (like the size of my nose). She’s also made jokes about achievements I haven’t managed to achieve (like not placing in a competition that meant a lot to me), which feel really cruel to me because they hit me quite hard. I’m particularly conflicted about these jokes, because I feel like to her they really are jokes and that she doesn’t mean any harm, but it feels like she’s twisting a knife in an open wound when I hear them.

It just hurts a bit because I compliment her a lot, and she sometimes even asks for compliments, and while I don’t expect her to compliment me back, it does suck a bit when she not only never has anything positive to say, but actively says mean things.

We’re in different friendship groups now, so it might just be a difference caused by that? People in her friendship group are quite a bit harsher and make meaner jokes than the people I spend time with.

I love her a lot, so I don’t want to end our friendship (please don’t suggest that). I just feel like if I bring this up she’ll think it’s silly, because she can sometimes (unintentionally) be a bit dismissive about my problems. I don’t even know what I want, I think I might just be venting. I’m feeling quite insecure right now.

Reply 1

marti3x

Original post by Anonymous

I have a best friend and she’s generally great- she goes out of her way to do nice things for me (which I reciprocate) and is mostly there for me when I need her.
The only problem is that she manages to say things that make me really insecure about myself. She’ll make blunt negative comments about my appearance, but usually about things I can’t change (like the size of my nose). She’s also made jokes about achievements I haven’t managed to achieve (like not placing in a competition that meant a lot to me), which feel really cruel to me because they hit me quite hard. I’m particularly conflicted about these jokes, because I feel like to her they really are jokes and that she doesn’t mean any harm, but it feels like she’s twisting a knife in an open wound when I hear them.
It just hurts a bit because I compliment her a lot, and she sometimes even asks for compliments, and while I don’t expect her to compliment me back, it does suck a bit when she not only never has anything positive to say, but actively says mean things.
We’re in different friendship groups now, so it might just be a difference caused by that? People in her friendship group are quite a bit harsher and make meaner jokes than the people I spend time with.
I love her a lot, so I don’t want to end our friendship (please don’t suggest that). I just feel like if I bring this up she’ll think it’s silly, because she can sometimes (unintentionally) be a bit dismissive about my problems. I don’t even know what I want, I think I might just be venting. I’m feeling quite insecure right now.

I am sorry to say but she is not truly your friend if this is how she interacts with you. A friend doesn't fish for compliments and brings you down to make themselves feel better. Please do not continue to ignore this behaviour, you need to communicate to her how her comments make you feel, she needs to realise that what she is doing is not ok and needs to change. If she continues doing this to you without realising how hurtful it is, not only you will continue to suffer but she could do this to other people and harm them too. I understand that you value her presence and moments you have shared together but you need to do something because being dismissive about your problems is not something that a friend does and the harm she is causing can really take a toll on your mental health and future relationships.
If talking to her directy doesn't help or you are unsure on how to approach, talk to someone, seek help from a close friend, family member or a therapist/counsellor.
Wishing you the best of luck ❤️*🩹

Reply 2

JDINCINERATOR

It's crazy how some friendships work. I think that there are values she has that probably come into conflict with these harsher sentiments she has. I think you might be worried that if you told her about how you feel about her negative remarks she'd resent you, but the only way to do right by yourself here is to confront her about these remarks and to therefore claw back some self-respect. I think this new group are a bad influence on her. Has she always had this kind of duality since you've known her where she does nice things for you but says some mean things about your appearance and suchlike?

Reply 3

Dunnig Kruger

There's a few ways you can handle this.

Push-pulls. Whenever you give her a compliment, straight away say something to balance it out. EG "I admire your confidence, but sometimes you're more abrasive than wet 'n dry." Do this particularly in response to one of her negative comments.

When she says something negative about you, agree and exaggerate. Preferably in a way that makes what she said looks stupid. EG "Yeah, my nose is big. It's so big that the Royal Navy use it as an aircraft carrier landing strip every time I do the backstroke on holiday."

Disagree and exaggerate. "Nah, my nose is in perfect proportion to the rest of my face. Just because your nose is so small that you look like a Japanese anime character, doesn't mean to say your perspective on this is the One True Path."

Ignore what she said and act as if she never said it and just say whatever you want to talk about.

Supernanny. Give her a clear warning looking into her eyes the first time she makes a comment at your expense. Something like "Timeout! What's with the negativity directed at me? That's not on. If you do it again I'm outta here." 2nd time she does it, you probably won't be able to put her on the naughty step. What you can do is to walk away with a "I'm not going to sit here and take your ****!"

Work on generating your own self-security. Don't expect others to boost your ego, confidence, self-security.
Bear in mind that schools have a terrible culture for promoting stroppiness and cynical negativity. As that's seen as cool. Which is warped. Because in adult life positivity, enthusiasm, the lighter higher emotions get you a higher quality of life than negativity and the lower darker emotions.
Let others dwell in their swamp of negativity, whilst you soar above it, like an eagle.