I’m in love with him but I think it’s too late (ps this very long)

So I’ll try to explain this very long story as succinctly as possible.
A while ago I knew this guy. Let’s call him Alex. We were seeing each other casually. He was amazing, funny, so good looking, the ‘relations’ was amazing and he was actually just a genuinely nice guy. But I was just getting out of a very bad relationship and was still in love with my ex. He eventually tried to take things further with me and actually start dating, and one night after ‘relations’ confessed that he was even in love with me. I panicked. I knew I wasn’t ready and I knew I wasn’t over my ex and so I declined. Not in a horrible way but more in a playful way because I did like him and still wanted to keep seeing him( selfish I know).
He tried again on other occasions but I was just SO hung up on my ex at the time I couldn’t even start to consider being with anyone else.
Anyway eventually as you’d expect he got tired of this, became really distant and when I’d suggest doing things or meeting up he’d say no. I understood though and backed off. I heard through a friend some time later that he had a girlfriend. Although he wouldn’t admit this to me himself. I assumed he really liked her and didn’t want to mess it up so although I was upset I kind of left him alone.
This gave me time to heal and eventually recover from my previous relationship and eventually when I was finally ready to move on I met someone new. Things were going well but I couldn’t get Alex off of my mind.
As luck would have it one day Alex sees me and new boy together(it’s a small city), and immediately I get like 5 missed calls. He texts me and tells me to come see him and **** new boy off. Mind you, we’ve barely been speaking and he’s been so distant with me prior to this. New boy, at the time was being so lovely to me and so I couldn’t do it to him( even though deep down I wanted to).
However, Alex and I, inevitably end up meeting up not long after this and having ‘relations’. He says that he wants me to stay the night with him. I asked about his girlfriend and he still would not admit to it. This hurt me because I didn’t understand why he was trying to lie about it or wouldn’t talk about it with me. Although by this point I realised how much I liked Alex, I didn’t think I could risk giving up the stability of new boy for him when he wouldn’t admit to being with someone else even though it was obvious. This made me question if he even liked me at all if he was trying to hide his relationship from me, and think perhaps he really liked her and didn’t want to jeopardise the relationship( even though he was by seeing me) so I declined. In all my time of knowing him I had never seen him look as hurt as he did that day. I can never forget.
We still spoke here and there but again things became very distant.
Some time after, this whole situation came out to new boy in conversation and he suggested I block Alex out of respect for him. I did. And so Alex and I completely lost contact for almost 2 whole years. I still thought about him often and knew I never really stopped liking him but knew we were both in relationships so it was for the best.
Then randomly I get call on my birthday after almost two years. It’s Alex, he calls to wish me happy birthday and ask how I am. The call is short, he sounds busy but I’m shocked he’s reached out to me after this long and think maybe I’ve been on his mind as much as he has been on mine.
He adds me on snap and we start talking again. He calls me constantly, I hardly answer because obviously I have new boy now and we pretty much live together. He wants to meet up, asks constantly when he can see me and tells me how much he misses me. I miss him too. I tell him new boy is still in the picture and it’s pretty serious now. He then gets very cold, tells me he doesn’t care and when I ask about his relationship… radio silence. I realise I’m being silly in even thinking about messing up my current relationship for someone who isn’t serious and I block him again.
And the contact ends there. But I have never ever stopped thinking about him. I fantasise about being with him, about having ‘relations’ with him again, about what things would have been like if I hadn’t turned him down the first time when I believe he actually was in love with me because he was never the same after that. I feel like I messed up my chance and I’ll never get it back. But years have passed and I’m still not over him. I don’t know if I ever will be. And I don’t know what to do because we’re both in relationships and he will clearly never admit this to me. I feel like I will always be in love with him but there’s nothing I can do about it now. I feel bad because my current partner is amazing but Alex and I just had something I feel like I can never replace. I promised myself to not contact him again out of respect for my current boyfriend but Alex lives in my mind rent free, there’s not a day that passes when I don’t think about him no matter how hard I try. I thought that eventually I’d get over it but I just never have and some night l miss him so much I cry. What can one possibly do in this situation?
I’m sorry it’s so long but I just needed somewhere to vent this because I have no one else I can really talk to about it.
TLDR; I’m in love with someone but now we’re both in relationships and I can’t get over him.

Reply 1

Anonymous #1

bumping hoping someone will see :frown:

Reply 2

Surnia

'What can one possibly do in this situation?'

You could start by telling new guy, who has my sympathy, about you cheating with Alex and let him decide if he wants to stay with you or not. Or you could make the sensible decision to stop thinking about someone else and be happy with what you have. Or end the relationship yourself so you can spend all day thinking about Alex, who is also a cheat and whose girlfriend also needs to be considered and pitied in this sorry situation.

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

Okay I can see why you would think this. I’m aware the whole situation must sound incredibly selfish. However, I disclosed everything to new boy when we officially got into a relationship so he knows everything except the most recent contact. I didn’t actually cheat on him as anything sexual between Alex and I happened when me and new boy were just getting to know each other, and I told him before we made it official so he was never in the dark. I am and have been trying to be happy with him and it’s not that I’m unhappy but I can’t help how I feel or the fact that I still think about Alex all the time, and I have tried very hard to just forget he exists but I can’t.
I feel very sorry for Alex’s girlfriend also who probably has no idea and hence why I stopped all contact but it hasn’t stopped my feelings for him. I know it probably makes me a horrible person but idk how to stop feeling the way I do :frown:

Reply 4

Admit-One

Universities Forum Helper

Well if the ex is in another relationship, and you're disrespecting your current BF by pining over him every day and considering yourself to still be in love with him, a sensible person might end the current relationship and get on with their life without either.

Reply 5

Surnia

^^This, if you don't realise what a prize you've got in your current boyfriend. I wouldn't be happy if someone I was dating slept with their ex, so you've got someone who is naive or incredibly forgiving if he's stuck with you through that. Will he be so generous if you tell him the full story?

And why are you in love with a liar and a cheat in Alex? There's a saying: the way they find you is the way they leave you. In other words, if Alex is prepared to cheat on his current girlfriend, he could do the same to you if you got together.