PhD dilemma
I have just started my PhD and really love my school and supervisors.
However:
1. My topic is so niche that the only place with supervision was 4.5 hours from home, and since I have an ageing/sick parent I originally applied for the distance program. But they were so encouraging about my project and quietly confident it would get funded if I studied in person (it did) that I guess I was sold. And now I'm really struggling being so far from home, so is my mum.
2. I was adamant I would not go into student halls because past experience taught me I do not cope with that setup. But 4.5 hours was too far to attend viewings for places, and I spent the summer setting up care for my mum once I left, so I was left with no choice but halls. And I hate it.
If I calm down and think rationally, I can see that this is a great opportunity which I'm actually enjoying and that I shouldn't let anything spoil. I also see that nobody has a gun to my head to stay in halls, it's still the start of term I could use it as a base for viewings and get out asap and they'll most likely find someone to take my place. But not being able to just pop and see my mum is a killer. It's not homesickness, to put it bluntly it's the fact she's on the way out and she's my only family member and while I wouldn't want to be a live-in carer and give up my own life, I'd still like to see her more than a 9 hour round trip allows.
I know there's no simple answer and that in any case nobody else can tell me what to do. But I had to get this out somewhere to hear outside perspectives. If you've read it all then thank you, I really appreciate that.
However:
1. My topic is so niche that the only place with supervision was 4.5 hours from home, and since I have an ageing/sick parent I originally applied for the distance program. But they were so encouraging about my project and quietly confident it would get funded if I studied in person (it did) that I guess I was sold. And now I'm really struggling being so far from home, so is my mum.
2. I was adamant I would not go into student halls because past experience taught me I do not cope with that setup. But 4.5 hours was too far to attend viewings for places, and I spent the summer setting up care for my mum once I left, so I was left with no choice but halls. And I hate it.
If I calm down and think rationally, I can see that this is a great opportunity which I'm actually enjoying and that I shouldn't let anything spoil. I also see that nobody has a gun to my head to stay in halls, it's still the start of term I could use it as a base for viewings and get out asap and they'll most likely find someone to take my place. But not being able to just pop and see my mum is a killer. It's not homesickness, to put it bluntly it's the fact she's on the way out and she's my only family member and while I wouldn't want to be a live-in carer and give up my own life, I'd still like to see her more than a 9 hour round trip allows.
I know there's no simple answer and that in any case nobody else can tell me what to do. But I had to get this out somewhere to hear outside perspectives. If you've read it all then thank you, I really appreciate that.
Original post by Ysn
I have just started my PhD and really love my school and supervisors.
However:
1. My topic is so niche that the only place with supervision was 4.5 hours from home, and since I have an ageing/sick parent I originally applied for the distance program. But they were so encouraging about my project and quietly confident it would get funded if I studied in person (it did) that I guess I was sold. And now I'm really struggling being so far from home, so is my mum.
2. I was adamant I would not go into student halls because past experience taught me I do not cope with that setup. But 4.5 hours was too far to attend viewings for places, and I spent the summer setting up care for my mum once I left, so I was left with no choice but halls. And I hate it.
If I calm down and think rationally, I can see that this is a great opportunity which I'm actually enjoying and that I shouldn't let anything spoil. I also see that nobody has a gun to my head to stay in halls, it's still the start of term I could use it as a base for viewings and get out asap and they'll most likely find someone to take my place. But not being able to just pop and see my mum is a killer. It's not homesickness, to put it bluntly it's the fact she's on the way out and she's my only family member and while I wouldn't want to be a live-in carer and give up my own life, I'd still like to see her more than a 9 hour round trip allows.
I know there's no simple answer and that in any case nobody else can tell me what to do. But I had to get this out somewhere to hear outside perspectives. If you've read it all then thank you, I really appreciate that.
However:
1. My topic is so niche that the only place with supervision was 4.5 hours from home, and since I have an ageing/sick parent I originally applied for the distance program. But they were so encouraging about my project and quietly confident it would get funded if I studied in person (it did) that I guess I was sold. And now I'm really struggling being so far from home, so is my mum.
2. I was adamant I would not go into student halls because past experience taught me I do not cope with that setup. But 4.5 hours was too far to attend viewings for places, and I spent the summer setting up care for my mum once I left, so I was left with no choice but halls. And I hate it.
If I calm down and think rationally, I can see that this is a great opportunity which I'm actually enjoying and that I shouldn't let anything spoil. I also see that nobody has a gun to my head to stay in halls, it's still the start of term I could use it as a base for viewings and get out asap and they'll most likely find someone to take my place. But not being able to just pop and see my mum is a killer. It's not homesickness, to put it bluntly it's the fact she's on the way out and she's my only family member and while I wouldn't want to be a live-in carer and give up my own life, I'd still like to see her more than a 9 hour round trip allows.
I know there's no simple answer and that in any case nobody else can tell me what to do. But I had to get this out somewhere to hear outside perspectives. If you've read it all then thank you, I really appreciate that.
This seems like something worth discussing with your supervisor - maybe you can arrange so e.g. you only need to come in once or twice a week and you can look for either an airbnb type thing or (probably cheaper) a weekday rental (i.e. where you only rent a room for a few days a week but long term - they're not uncommon in bigger cities like London I don't know if there are that many wherever you are), and so you can stay at home more often than not, at least for not. And that way you're still in person but more of a hybrid working arrangement, in view of your personal situation.
Hello,
I'm really sorry to hear that your mum is not doing well at all. You've been given some great advice above, which I'd suggest you look into
Another option would be to ask whether interrupting your studies for a year would be something you'd consider at this/any stage, and something that your funding body would permit at this early point in the PhD? If you feel your mum is not going to live very long, I feel perhaps being with her maybe should take priority at this time. I hope it is not too insensitive to highlight this but if you could interrupt your studies without losing your funding, that would be a way to give you ample time with your mum, and then return to your studies at a later date after she has passed
I know you said you don't want to be a live-in carer, and I'm not saying you should have to pause the PhD to do that, as it is a massive undertaking. But it sounds like the distance is a huge struggle for you both and it might bring you both comfort to be with each other at this time
I'm really sorry to hear that your mum is not doing well at all. You've been given some great advice above, which I'd suggest you look into
Another option would be to ask whether interrupting your studies for a year would be something you'd consider at this/any stage, and something that your funding body would permit at this early point in the PhD? If you feel your mum is not going to live very long, I feel perhaps being with her maybe should take priority at this time. I hope it is not too insensitive to highlight this but if you could interrupt your studies without losing your funding, that would be a way to give you ample time with your mum, and then return to your studies at a later date after she has passed
I know you said you don't want to be a live-in carer, and I'm not saying you should have to pause the PhD to do that, as it is a massive undertaking. But it sounds like the distance is a huge struggle for you both and it might bring you both comfort to be with each other at this time
Thank you for the replies. The hybrid arrangement definitely sounds like something worth discussing with them, though it does depend on funding- it's AHRC which I believe requires me to live within a commutable 5 day working week distance.
And I'm sorry, I made it sound like my mum had a few months to live or something! It's nothing like that but she turns 70 next year and has a progressive condition. My grandmother had it too and while she lived for many years, and treatment has improved since then, I obviously have more knowledge of what is to come than most people (ie. life experience vs. online info).
I suppose the big struggle is that on one hand, as I said, I'd like to be with her more than a 9 hour round trip allows, but on the other hand in a really selfish way I need to build up my own life and support network so I'm not completely f-ed when the time comes (I have no support network right now).
And I'm sorry, I made it sound like my mum had a few months to live or something! It's nothing like that but she turns 70 next year and has a progressive condition. My grandmother had it too and while she lived for many years, and treatment has improved since then, I obviously have more knowledge of what is to come than most people (ie. life experience vs. online info).
I suppose the big struggle is that on one hand, as I said, I'd like to be with her more than a 9 hour round trip allows, but on the other hand in a really selfish way I need to build up my own life and support network so I'm not completely f-ed when the time comes (I have no support network right now).
Thank you for this, I'm sorry that you can relate.
I will definitely discuss the possibility of a hybrid- or even part time- arrangement with my supervisors. My next meeting is in a few days so not long to wait.
My mum lives outside of the consortium's region, and as I said in the initial post since my topic is so niche I could not find supervision nearer to home (I obviously tried!). The hybrid/PT arrangement sounds the best solution- particularly hybrid as I'm guessing it's less admin and if in a few months my mum and I get more used to the situation (and I get out of halls!) it'd be easy enough to say 'right, I don't need to commute as much now so let's do more on campus days'.
I will definitely discuss the possibility of a hybrid- or even part time- arrangement with my supervisors. My next meeting is in a few days so not long to wait.
My mum lives outside of the consortium's region, and as I said in the initial post since my topic is so niche I could not find supervision nearer to home (I obviously tried!). The hybrid/PT arrangement sounds the best solution- particularly hybrid as I'm guessing it's less admin and if in a few months my mum and I get more used to the situation (and I get out of halls!) it'd be easy enough to say 'right, I don't need to commute as much now so let's do more on campus days'.
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