The Student Room Group

Having friends vs staying sober

Yes it’s another post about how much I drink

I’m on my year abroad, been here about a week and so far hated it. Every interaction I’ve had with a french person has basically been them being rude or just not being able to understand me when I speak French to them so I have been extremely miserable for the most part and have gone back to drinking excessively to cope with that.

I was planning to have at least a month sober when I got here but I’ve been invited to go out (to a bar and then clubbing) with the people from my UK uni who are also here on the same course. Clubbing sober would be a horrible activity and would make me extremely anxious and boring to be around as I would struggle to talk to anyone without a drink. So I basically have the choice of potentially having friends for one of the first times in my life or being sober for health reasons but spending every day alone in my flat.

I know these people will ditch me when they make better friends here and that the "correct" answer is that real friends would respect my attempts at sobriety but i want so badly to have the uni experience that I've been missing out on even if it's only for a few weeks until they ditch me.

But if my normal/alone drinking is excessive (~8 units a day) then my social drinking is extreme. In social situations I will drink to the point of either humiliating myself or exposing myself to real risk of harm (e.g. falling asleep sitting on the steps to my previous uni house alone at like 1am), which isn't very good as a girl living alone in Paris.

and again, this is just a vent/rant post, yes I know no one cares lmao, and you don't have to comment on another post about how much i drink
Hiya anon,

We're not here to judge you, just to support you 🙂 and it sounds to me like you're going through a really tough time at the mo. It sounds like you should consider reaching out to your uni's support services because you are clearly going through a lot of issues at the moment, and they may be able to give you some professional advice about it. My tips here would be:

1.

Don't put yourself in a position where you might be in danger. A bit of fun on a night out is not worth the risks you might face, so I'd advise you to be careful about how much you choose to drink on nights out.

2.

Try to connect with your friends in other more meaningful ways. If they are pressuring you into doing things you aren't comfortable with or don't respect you then they aren't very supportive friends for you. Perhaps ask if they'd like to go for a meal out or a coffee, have a games night or go on a trip around Paris (so much to see!) rather than going out - perhaps they'd be open to new experiences!

3.

You can be a good friend without needing to drink together. If you genuinely get on with these people, then there is no reason they should want to stop being friends with you for superficial reasons such as you don't fancy a night out or are choosing to have none or only a few drinks whilst out.


Just don't be alone in this, reach out to your family/your personal tutor/uni support services for advice because you don't need or deserve to struggle with this on your own. I hope that helps, and best of luck with the rest of your year :smile:

Holly
University of Bath
Reply 2
Original post by University of Bath
Hiya anon,
We're not here to judge you, just to support you 🙂 and it sounds to me like you're going through a really tough time at the mo. It sounds like you should consider reaching out to your uni's support services because you are clearly going through a lot of issues at the moment, and they may be able to give you some professional advice about it. My tips here would be:

1.

Don't put yourself in a position where you might be in danger. A bit of fun on a night out is not worth the risks you might face, so I'd advise you to be careful about how much you choose to drink on nights out.

2.

Try to connect with your friends in other more meaningful ways. If they are pressuring you into doing things you aren't comfortable with or don't respect you then they aren't very supportive friends for you. Perhaps ask if they'd like to go for a meal out or a coffee, have a games night or go on a trip around Paris (so much to see!) rather than going out - perhaps they'd be open to new experiences!

3.

You can be a good friend without needing to drink together. If you genuinely get on with these people, then there is no reason they should want to stop being friends with you for superficial reasons such as you don't fancy a night out or are choosing to have none or only a few drinks whilst out.


Just don't be alone in this, reach out to your family/your personal tutor/uni support services for advice because you don't need or deserve to struggle with this on your own. I hope that helps, and best of luck with the rest of your year :smile:
Holly
University of Bath

I’m in France so there is no English speaking support available and every time I have spoken French the person has either not been able to understand me or just been deliberately rude about it. And I’m not exactly in a place to be choosy about friends so rejecting an offer to go out with people would be a very stupid decision 🤷🏻*♀️
Original post by Anonymous
Yes it’s another post about how much I drink
I’m on my year abroad, been here about a week and so far hated it. Every interaction I’ve had with a french person has basically been them being rude or just not being able to understand me when I speak French to them so I have been extremely miserable for the most part and have gone back to drinking excessively to cope with that.
I was planning to have at least a month sober when I got here but I’ve been invited to go out (to a bar and then clubbing) with the people from my UK uni who are also here on the same course. Clubbing sober would be a horrible activity and would make me extremely anxious and boring to be around as I would struggle to talk to anyone without a drink. So I basically have the choice of potentially having friends for one of the first times in my life or being sober for health reasons but spending every day alone in my flat.
I know these people will ditch me when they make better friends here and that the "correct" answer is that real friends would respect my attempts at sobriety but i want so badly to have the uni experience that I've been missing out on even if it's only for a few weeks until they ditch me.
But if my normal/alone drinking is excessive (~8 units a day) then my social drinking is extreme. In social situations I will drink to the point of either humiliating myself or exposing myself to real risk of harm (e.g. falling asleep sitting on the steps to my previous uni house alone at like 1am), which isn't very good as a girl living alone in Paris.
and again, this is just a vent/rant post, yes I know no one cares lmao, and you don't have to comment on another post about how much i drink

Hi,

It sounds like times have been a bit difficult for you recently, please try not to worry about this, there are a number of different people who are here to support you. Whether that is reaching out to your University support team or your personal tutor. They are both there to support you and to ensure that you are having the best time that you can whilst at university.

1) Please think about yourself, it's not worth potentially hurting yourself just because of other people, I am sure as time goes on whilst you are at Uni, you will begin to find more people who have common interests with yourself.

2) Maybe ask your friends to see if you could all go and complete another activity in Paris together that doesn't necessarily involve drinking.

Please feel free to drop any other questions you may have here and we will try our best to support you.

I hope this helps,

Matt
Wrexham Uni Reps
Reply 4
Original post by WrexhamUniReps
Hi,
It sounds like times have been a bit difficult for you recently, please try not to worry about this, there are a number of different people who are here to support you. Whether that is reaching out to your University support team or your personal tutor. They are both there to support you and to ensure that you are having the best time that you can whilst at university.
1) Please think about yourself, it's not worth potentially hurting yourself just because of other people, I am sure as time goes on whilst you are at Uni, you will begin to find more people who have common interests with yourself.
2) Maybe ask your friends to see if you could all go and complete another activity in Paris together that doesn't necessarily involve drinking.
Please feel free to drop any other questions you may have here and we will try our best to support you.
I hope this helps,
Matt
Wrexham Uni Reps

This is my third year of uni and haven’t made any friends yet and there is no English speaking support available at the french uni lmao
Original post by Anonymous
This is my third year of uni and haven’t made any friends yet and there is no English speaking support available at the french uni lmao

Hi

Thanks for your response.

I wonder if you could speak to your personal tutor, to see if there is a possibility of getting a translator present for you to communicate with student support,

I hope this helps,

Matt
Wrexham Uni Reps
For everybody else's context, here is a 21 page thread about this user's issues with alcohol which they have alluded to in the OP: https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=7484689
(edited 4 weeks ago)
Reply 7
Original post by 04MR17
For everybody else's context, here is a 21 page thread about this user's issues with alcohol which they have alluded to in the OP: https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=7484689

Everything said in that post was pretty much summed up in this thread and it's not meant to be a secret so not really sure what the point of linking to the other thread was
Original post by Anonymous
Yes it’s another post about how much I drink

I’m on my year abroad, been here about a week and so far hated it. Every interaction I’ve had with a french person has basically been them being rude or just not being able to understand me when I speak French to them so I have been extremely miserable for the most part and have gone back to drinking excessively to cope with that.

I was planning to have at least a month sober when I got here but I’ve been invited to go out (to a bar and then clubbing) with the people from my UK uni who are also here on the same course. Clubbing sober would be a horrible activity and would make me extremely anxious and boring to be around as I would struggle to talk to anyone without a drink. So I basically have the choice of potentially having friends for one of the first times in my life or being sober for health reasons but spending every day alone in my flat.

I know these people will ditch me when they make better friends here and that the "correct" answer is that real friends would respect my attempts at sobriety but i want so badly to have the uni experience that I've been missing out on even if it's only for a few weeks until they ditch me.

But if my normal/alone drinking is excessive (~8 units a day) then my social drinking is extreme. In social situations I will drink to the point of either humiliating myself or exposing myself to real risk of harm (e.g. falling asleep sitting on the steps to my previous uni house alone at like 1am), which isn't very good as a girl living alone in Paris.

and again, this is just a vent/rant post, yes I know no one cares lmao, and you don't have to comment on another post about how much i drink
I'm going to give you advice about this specific scenario. Wider advice about your drinking & other issues is as normal.

1 - you have been there a week, in my view that's not a reasonable amount of time to brand an entire nation as rude.
2 - "Clubbing sober would be a horrible activity" - this isn't true, you've just decided this. Plenty of people club sober and have a great time. My advice is try it.
3 - "make me extremely anxious and boring to be around" - not boring in the slightest, and surely it'd be better to be anxious than addicted to a very harmful substance
4 - "I would struggle to talk to anyone without a drink." - try
5 - "So I basically have the choice of potentially having friends for one of the first times in my life or being sober for health reasons but spending every day alone in my flat." - it isn't that deep, you also have a choice to go - say hi for a bit and leave if you get fed up.
6 - "I know these people will ditch me when they make better friends" - no, you don't. That's your lack of self-worth talking.
7 - "the uni experience that I've been missing out on" ... you've had a uni experience, there is no 1 way to do uni.
8 - you have spoken about the humiliation you will experience if your excessive drinking leads to indecent events. How would THAT impact on your potential friendships? Stay sober, but do go and meet up with them.

For everyone reading - please don't take my abruptness as rude, I am giving you free, honest, realistic advice about what I think you should do in this situation, and also what I would do if I were in your shoes. You've made some assumptions which I don't think are fair and there is a clear choice to be made here and (I think) quite an easy answer.

Hope it's useful
Original post by Anonymous
Everything said in that post was pretty much summed up in this thread and it's not meant to be a secret so not really sure what the point of linking to the other thread was

So that other users who may wish to respond have the full context about the advice you have already received (repeatedly, and in detail) about similar issues.
Original post by 04MR17
I'm going to give you advice about this specific scenario. Wider advice about your drinking & other issues is as normal.
1 - you have been there a week, in my view that's not a reasonable amount of time to brand an entire nation as rude.
2 - "Clubbing sober would be a horrible activity" - this isn't true, you've just decided this. Plenty of people club sober and have a great time. My advice is try it.
3 - "make me extremely anxious and boring to be around" - not boring in the slightest, and surely it'd be better to be anxious than addicted to a very harmful substance
4 - "I would struggle to talk to anyone without a drink." - try
5 - "So I basically have the choice of potentially having friends for one of the first times in my life or being sober for health reasons but spending every day alone in my flat." - it isn't that deep, you also have a choice to go - say hi for a bit and leave if you get fed up.
6 - "I know these people will ditch me when they make better friends" - no, you don't. That's your lack of self-worth talking.
7 - "the uni experience that I've been missing out on" ... you've had a uni experience, there is no 1 way to do uni.
8 - you have spoken about the humiliation you will experience if your excessive drinking leads to indecent events. How would THAT impact on your potential friendships? Stay sober, but do go and meet up with them.
For everyone reading - please don't take my abruptness as rude, I am giving you free, honest, realistic advice about what I think you should do in this situation, and also what I would do if I were in your shoes. You've made some assumptions which I don't think are fair and there is a clear choice to be made here and (I think) quite an easy answer.
Hope it's useful

Never said that the whole nation is rude, just that pretty much every person I have spoke French to so far has been and that it has damaged my confidence to try speaking French in future, which is true. Also people who go clubbing sober are much more outgoing and extroverted than I am, I know that I would not enjoy standing in the corner of a dark crowded room being bumped into by drunk people and wouldn't feel comfortable dancing if I wasn't drunk. Also not sure that going and then leaving if I don't enjoy it would be a good idea as it's not particularly safe for a young woman to walk home alone at night in Paris.
Original post by Anonymous
I know that I would not enjoy standing in the corner of a dark crowded room being bumped into by drunk people and wouldn't feel comfortable dancing if I wasn't drunk. Also not sure that going and then leaving if I don't enjoy it would be a good idea as it's not particularly safe for a young woman to walk home alone at night in Paris.

I'm going to ignore the hair-splitting comments about syntax.
You don't know that you wouldn't enjoy it, you haven't done it. You're guessing. Therefore my advice hasn't changed.
How you get home is up to you, lots of factors are at play when it comes to safety - far better to assess your own safety whilst sober, and far safer to not rely on the help of others when you're plastered. My advice is again unchanged.
Original post by 04MR17
I'm going to ignore the hair-splitting comments about syntax.
You don't know that you wouldn't enjoy it, you haven't done it. You're guessing. Therefore my advice hasn't changed.
How you get home is up to you, lots of factors are at play when it comes to safety - far better to assess your own safety whilst sober, and far safer to not rely on the help of others when you're plastered. My advice is again unchanged.

If I left early I would be walking home alone, if I stayed the full night I would be walking home in a group of around 8, one is clearly safer than the other whether I'm drunk or not
Original post by Anonymous
If I left early I would be walking home alone, if I stayed the full night I would be walking home in a group of around 8, one is clearly safer than the other whether I'm drunk or not


So you've decided, my advice hasn't changed.
This is kind of another thread about how much I drink and also just kind of another vent/rant post about my lack of social life and loneliness

I got invited on a night out with some of the people on my course and they did pres without me and one other girl who was going so use did our own pres separately and then I went on the night out and basically got ignored by most people there so obviously they don’t like me. But like the other girl and one other person was still talking to me and I know it’s just because I’m a last resort friend because she’s also feeling kind of excluded by the others.

And I went on the night out planning to have a soft drink at at least every other bar so I wouldn’t be embarrassingly drunk. But I pretty predictably got absolutely hammered to the point of humiliating and injuring myself and now I think even the few people who were bothering me have gone off me. But I’ve always struggled with like picking up social cues so I really don’t know how to tell if people have actually gone off me and are only still talking to me out of pity or if I’m just basing that off the fact that I would’ve gone off me after that. And I kinda just don’t want this to be my life anymore where I can’t have a normal relationship with alcohol and it pushes away the few people who actually bother with me
Original post by Anonymous
This is kind of another thread about how much I drink and also just kind of another vent/rant post about my lack of social life and loneliness

I got invited on a night out with some of the people on my course and they did pres without me and one other girl who was going so use did our own pres separately and then I went on the night out and basically got ignored by most people there so obviously they don’t like me. But like the other girl and one other person was still talking to me and I know it’s just because I’m a last resort friend because she’s also feeling kind of excluded by the others.

And I went on the night out planning to have a soft drink at at least every other bar so I wouldn’t be embarrassingly drunk. But I pretty predictably got absolutely hammered to the point of humiliating and injuring myself and now I think even the few people who were bothering me have gone off me. But I’ve always struggled with like picking up social cues so I really don’t know how to tell if people have actually gone off me and are only still talking to me out of pity or if I’m just basing that off the fact that I would’ve gone off me after that. And I kinda just don’t want this to be my life anymore where I can’t have a normal relationship with alcohol and it pushes away the few people who actually bother with me

It sounds like you may benefit from some specialist support due to the relationship with alcohol that you have described, this may be useful to you: Find a Meeting - people in this organisation will be properly equipped to support you (they have the option of online meetings too as you have mentioned you aren't currently in the UK). Hope this helps
Original post by PileaP
It sounds like you may benefit from some specialist support due to the relationship with alcohol that you have described, this may be useful to you: Find a Meeting - people in this organisation will be properly equipped to support you (they have the option of online meetings too as you have mentioned you aren't currently in the UK). Hope this helps

I'm gonna get mental health support in general if things haven't improved by the time I come back to the UK

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