Does my gf respect me?

First year at uni for both of us, same uni and obviously she has been drinking, clubbing and partying. She has been clubbing every single day this week with her flatmates (fair enough, it’s freshers and good to get to know flatmates). For some background information, replies for us usually come around 15 minutes at a time.

The first day she went out, she took 3 and a half hours to reply while out, during which, a man grabbed her by the arm and pulled her in and hugged her from behind. She said she had a boyfriend and it was over. The issue is that this still happened, didn’t reply for following hours, didn’t tell me on that night and only told me once I asked her if anything bad happened the morning after. Following this I asked her to reply faster in order to ensure her safety and to calm my worries as she is in a brand new city with new people where she’s drunk and boys are physically hitting on her.

The following day, she goes out again. She doesn’t reply for 5 hours once she is out. No updates for safety or anything. You could imagine how this would worry someone after the conversation the previous night. I was quite unhappy with this and expressed my concerns again.

The following night, she drinks a lot in her flat with 2 flatmates, she ends up being very ill and sick for a while. After the previous night and expect her to be going out, I expect more frequent replies. She doesn’t reply for 6 hours after being sick, we are usually very close so it’s very surprising how she didn’t tell me she was sick when it happened as, again, I was worried for her. To defend her, she didn’t have her phone on her. However, after concerns the previous nights, I thought keeping her phone on her and not left in her room would be a priority. I mentioned this and she said it’s because she was drunk.

What are your thoughts on this?

Reply 1

Muttley79

Original post by Anonymous

First year at uni for both of us, same uni and obviously she has been drinking, clubbing and partying. She has been clubbing every single day this week with her flatmates (fair enough, it’s freshers and good to get to know flatmates). For some background information, replies for us usually come around 15 minutes at a time.
The first day she went out, she took 3 and a half hours to reply while out, during which, a man grabbed her by the arm and pulled her in and hugged her from behind. She said she had a boyfriend and it was over. The issue is that this still happened, didn’t reply for following hours, didn’t tell me on that night and only told me once I asked her if anything bad happened the morning after. Following this I asked her to reply faster in order to ensure her safety and to calm my worries as she is in a brand new city with new people where she’s drunk and boys are physically hitting on her.
The following day, she goes out again. She doesn’t reply for 5 hours once she is out. No updates for safety or anything. You could imagine how this would worry someone after the conversation the previous night. I was quite unhappy with this and expressed my concerns again.
The following night, she drinks a lot in her flat with 2 flatmates, she ends up being very ill and sick for a while. After the previous night and expect her to be going out, I expect more frequent replies. She doesn’t reply for 6 hours after being sick, we are usually very close so it’s very surprising how she didn’t tell me she was sick when it happened as, again, I was worried for her. To defend her, she didn’t have her phone on her. However, after concerns the previous nights, I thought keeping her phone on her and not left in her room would be a priority. I mentioned this and she said it’s because she was drunk.
What are your thoughts on this?

You are boh at fault. Stop being so controlling ... and she needs to control her drinking.

Reply 2

heart2you

I've never been in a relationship but expecting your partner to reply that quickly and so often seem a bit much? If she's out having fun, surely her mind wouldn't be focused on texting you? She would be focused on having fun, right?

Reply 3

Anonymous #2

Original post by Anonymous

First year at uni for both of us, same uni and obviously she has been drinking, clubbing and partying. She has been clubbing every single day this week with her flatmates (fair enough, it’s freshers and good to get to know flatmates). For some background information, replies for us usually come around 15 minutes at a time.
The first day she went out, she took 3 and a half hours to reply while out, during which, a man grabbed her by the arm and pulled her in and hugged her from behind. She said she had a boyfriend and it was over. The issue is that this still happened, didn’t reply for following hours, didn’t tell me on that night and only told me once I asked her if anything bad happened the morning after. Following this I asked her to reply faster in order to ensure her safety and to calm my worries as she is in a brand new city with new people where she’s drunk and boys are physically hitting on her.
The following day, she goes out again. She doesn’t reply for 5 hours once she is out. No updates for safety or anything. You could imagine how this would worry someone after the conversation the previous night. I was quite unhappy with this and expressed my concerns again.
The following night, she drinks a lot in her flat with 2 flatmates, she ends up being very ill and sick for a while. After the previous night and expect her to be going out, I expect more frequent replies. She doesn’t reply for 6 hours after being sick, we are usually very close so it’s very surprising how she didn’t tell me she was sick when it happened as, again, I was worried for her. To defend her, she didn’t have her phone on her. However, after concerns the previous nights, I thought keeping her phone on her and not left in her room would be a priority. I mentioned this and she said it’s because she was drunk.
What are your thoughts on this?

Maybe she doesn’t tell you these things because she feels as though she’ll be controlled or bombarded with messages, I think it would’ve been smart to set boundaries with her before you went to uni but it can still be done now.

Reply 4

Anonymous #1

Original post by heart2you

I’m not expecting her to reply every 15 minutes, but maybe once every hour to 2 hours to ensure her safety would be nice

Reply 5

Dunnig Kruger

My thoughts on this are that you are showing a deep lack of respect for her.
You're not respecting her rights to live an independent life when she's not with you.
You're not respecting her rights to message you as little and as slowly as she wants.

This clinginess and controlling attitude from you is killing her attraction for you.

My thoughts are that you should chill out, relax, start taking things a lot less seriously than you have been doing.
Give her her full freedom.
You should have the mindset that you don't mind at all if she NEVER messages you.

Reply 6

Crazy Jamie

Life & Style Forum Helper, Careers Forum Helper

Original post by Anonymous

I’m not expecting her to reply every 15 minutes, but maybe once every hour to 2 hours to ensure her safety would be nice

Oh stop it. You haven't given a single example where she was not physically safe. You gave an example where she was hit on by another guy and said that she had a boyfriend. If anything that should reassure you, not lead you to expect more frequent check ins. You're talking about her like you're an over protective parent of a 15 year old. She's your adult girlfriend. Your attitude is controlling and shows a clear lack of respect for the way she spends and manages her own time. Yes, her drinking seems to have been excessive, but as you say, it's freshers' week. There's a good chance that she moves on from this level of drinking and socialising. But the maturing that you need to do is much more important, because this is not how good, healthy relationships work in the real world. I can understand being concerned about not getting a reply or a check in at the end of the night, or the following morning when she's awake. But every one to two hours? She has a right to be concentrating on the people she is with and the other things that she is doing, rather than you. You have to better than this. If you don't learn to be, she will not want to be your girlfriend for much longer.

Reply 7

Surnia

Life & Style Forum Helper

You are both at uni. What are you doing whilst your girlfriend is out during Freshers; sitting around waiting for her to reply?

Reply 8

Admit-One

Universities Forum Helper

I think you’ve normalised a very ‘high touch’ level of contact.

If my partner is out having a good time I just leave them to it. They can message me when they’re heading back or need a lift or whatever. But I’m not sat at home catastrophising.

Reply 9

Rakas21

I don't think there's much evidence that she doesn't respect you here and as you've said it's fine to go out, I don't think you can complain too much.

The bigger issue is that it sounds like she doesn't have great judgement around alcohol but that's ultimately down to age and maturity. If you choose to be with a Fresher and don't set boundaries beforehand, you can't complain.