How to break up with long term bf after his mum has died

Long story short, boyfriend is going through a rough time (his mum died in June after a long battle with cancer). We have been together for almost ten years after meeting when I was 20 and he was 26. However, I’ve changed a lot within that period, and I now realise I want to be with him anymore for reasons that would probably be two pages long.

It has reached the point now where I have become mentally distanced from the relationship. I no longer want to have sex with him and we haven’t had sex for months. I still try and be as emotionally supportive as I can, as he is understandably really struggling with the grieving process. I initially decided that I should wait, as his wellbeing was more important than any relationship struggles that I was having. However, I’m beginning to worry that my withdrawal is and will cause more harm than good in the long run. I’m also aware that there’s only a certain amount of excuses that I can use to stop having sex with him before it becomes cruel or, dare I say, abusive on my part – something I never want to become.

This puts me at a crossroads: do I stay, wait until he is stronger and then put him through another grieving process by breaking up with him, or do I do it now and make his grieving even worse? Whatever I do, it feels absolutely horrible. I suppose what I really want to know is how to break up with him kindly.

PS: any guidance and advice is appreciated, but if it does turn out I need a metaphorical slap across the face to stop being so selfish, I’m prepared for that too.

Thank you

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

Original post by Anonymous

Long story short, boyfriend is going through a rough time (his mum died in June after a long battle with cancer). We have been together for almost ten years after meeting when I was 20 and he was 26. However, I’ve changed a lot within that period, and I now realise I want to be with him anymore for reasons that would probably be two pages long.
It has reached the point now where I have become mentally distanced from the relationship. I no longer want to have sex with him and we haven’t had sex for months. I still try and be as emotionally supportive as I can, as he is understandably really struggling with the grieving process. I initially decided that I should wait, as his wellbeing was more important than any relationship struggles that I was having. However, I’m beginning to worry that my withdrawal is and will cause more harm than good in the long run. I’m also aware that there’s only a certain amount of excuses that I can use to stop having sex with him before it becomes cruel or, dare I say, abusive on my part – something I never want to become.
This puts me at a crossroads: do I stay, wait until he is stronger and then put him through another grieving process by breaking up with him, or do I do it now and make his grieving even worse? Whatever I do, it feels absolutely horrible. I suppose what I really want to know is how to break up with him kindly.
PS: any guidance and advice is appreciated, but if it does turn out I need a metaphorical slap across the face to stop being so selfish, I’m prepared for that too.
Thank you

Bro no way he’s going through something life changing right now; you’d be a *****y person to leave him in this situation. Stay with him, help him grieve by being there for him as a friend and a decent human being. When you think he’s in a rational state of mind discuss your side with him and let him know what you’d wanna go forward with

Reply 2

Dunnig Kruger

If the boyfriend is a clear logical thinking man, or if he truly loves you, if he was in full possession of the facts, he'd want you to dump him today.
If he's not clear thinking, and if his love is a rather selfish form of love he wouldn't want you to dump him today.

Either way you should dump him today.

It's always a bad idea to continue a relationship because you feel sorry for the other person.
Or you'd feel guilty if you dumped them.
It's down to him to motivate you to want to stay with him. He hasn't done that. So you should leave him now.

You breaking up with him shouldn't come as a surprise, due to the lack of sex.

The kindest way to break up with him is face to face. Remind him of some of his good points, and one or two of the highlights from your relationship. And tell him clearly and decisively that it's time for you to go your separate ways.
Do not let him beg, plead, cry an extension to your relationship. Be strong and make it final.
Do not get into a situation where you're justifying your decision to end things with him. Walk away from the conversation once you've told him that things are over and then either cut off all contact with him after that or have the barest minimum of contact with him.

Reply 3

username7272953

Yeah tbh if you are genuinely struggling it's best to be honest and open. Maybe even write your feelings down, list out the reasons might help you verbalise your thoughts, but be direct, make things clear and like ignore anyone that tells you what you are doing is selfish, because for real in the end people are going to get hurt sometimes. It is part of life and you can't just live a lie.

Sorry you are having such a hard time x

Reply 4

Rakas21

In my opinion, a women checking out of the relationship mentally and not breaking up is amongst the worst things you can do to a man.

Break up regardless of events. Don't prolong it, your wasting both of your time.

Reply 5

Ciel.

Original post by Anonymous

Long story short, boyfriend is going through a rough time (his mum died in June after a long battle with cancer). We have been together for almost ten years after meeting when I was 20 and he was 26. However, I’ve changed a lot within that period, and I now realise I want to be with him anymore for reasons that would probably be two pages long.
It has reached the point now where I have become mentally distanced from the relationship. I no longer want to have sex with him and we haven’t had sex for months. I still try and be as emotionally supportive as I can, as he is understandably really struggling with the grieving process. I initially decided that I should wait, as his wellbeing was more important than any relationship struggles that I was having. However, I’m beginning to worry that my withdrawal is and will cause more harm than good in the long run. I’m also aware that there’s only a certain amount of excuses that I can use to stop having sex with him before it becomes cruel or, dare I say, abusive on my part – something I never want to become.
This puts me at a crossroads: do I stay, wait until he is stronger and then put him through another grieving process by breaking up with him, or do I do it now and make his grieving even worse? Whatever I do, it feels absolutely horrible. I suppose what I really want to know is how to break up with him kindly.
PS: any guidance and advice is appreciated, but if it does turn out I need a metaphorical slap across the face to stop being so selfish, I’m prepared for that too.
Thank you

no point in continuing imo
remember though - refusing sex is never 'abusive'