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I hate my family I wish I never took a gap year

I’m really struggling my mother is getting too much and I just wish I’d applied to medical school last year and I was out
Me and my mother always had a good relationship but I realised as I got older she treated me more like a friend than a daughter so I started setting boundaries cos I just can’t be bothered with her problems sorry she’s grown up she didn’t need to speak to a 14 year old. Anyway she keeps getting so angry at me for everything and screaming at me e.g the other day I came downstairs to eat a snack at 3pm- I’d been awake for a few hours revising for my ucat and just chilling but in my bedroom but she starts having a go at me saying it’s not acceptable saying I need to get another job (I already work 12 hours a week) and I’m resitting 2 a levels. Can’t even have a conversation with her because every time I reply she starts telling me I’m screaming at her then starts screaming at me not even making sense so I’m not standing there like an idiot I just walk away and that obviously makes her more mad.

The next thing is that I have a loser unemployed older brother who stays up until FIVE AM EVERY NIGHT talking on the phone, recently I’ve been stressed and anxious so it’s harder for me to fall asleep naturally any person after a few times of being woken up would just shout SHUT UP! sometimes this wakes mom up and I get the blame because she can’t hear him, this has been going on for months and months and she actually thinks I make it up now because she believes dear oldest son when he says he wasn’t talking on the phone. All this makes her hate me even more and recently I cut off two friends who just overall treated me like poop I feel like that’s triggered something in me as soon as I get the slightest hint of disrespect from someone I just leave or ignore or retaliate.

Anyway the next day she started having a go at me because I woke her up and she has to wake up early to work and it’s okay for me because I get to sleep in which is a valid point but whenever I tried to respond she just screams back at me at which I point I just leave. She was literally going crazy today and started putting my indoor slippers outside?? And throwing my shoes everywhere whilst hurling abuse at me so I just told her to shut up and put them back because although she’s my parent doesn’t give her a right to behave like this. Then during dinner the loser brother started going on and on non stop about ME about how entitled and how i think I’m better than everyone else all while mother agreed. I’m not joking the guy didn’t even take a breath it’s the first time I’ve seen him speak so passionately about something so I just laughed in his face, ignored him or calmly responded telling him to take a break. Following that, my mum got angry and my brothers and dad for making a mess, so first she screams at them, then, naturally comes to my room and starts screaming about god knows what I can’t deal with this woman anymore so I just laugh in her face because she’s acting mad so this hurts her and as she goes downstairs she starts screaming personal insults at me and I just ignore her.

I really have grown to dislike my mum, when I was younger like in high school whenever we had an argument she’d call me so many names and make me feel like rubbish then when she wanted a pal to go shopping with or hang out with she’d apologise to me and say she didn’t mean it- she does this al the time!!!! I remember I usually used to be sobbing when she’d berate me whereas now I just tell her to be quiet or say something like how r u saying that to ur daughter or just laugh and I think it makes her more angry and probably makes her feel like I’m disrespecting her.

I’m not trying to make out like she’s the most horrible woman ever but whenever she’s been in a fight with my brother or been upset about something I try and be there for her and take care of her and I feel like I have to force her to comfort me

I’m not saying I’m perfect, but after this I actually took a look at myself and I’m definitely not entitled and definitely don’t think I’m better than anyone (especially as I had major self esteem issues about 2 years ago and still not fully recovered) I’m thinking of just not speaking to anyone in my family unless I have to and just focusing on my university application and a levels

Im not saying I’ve done nothing wrong I’m just super upset and stressed from all this and just want some advice or want to know if anyone relates cos this is really affecting me

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

First of all, I just want to say that how you feel is valid. The situation at home is very much not ideal, especially while you're in your gap year and spending your time at home. I'm all too familiar with the culture of putting the sons on a pedestal and having the daughters pick up the slack, and it's a disheartening cycle honestly :frown:

I wish I could give you a hug!

Do you have a safe space to go to? Somewhere/someone you can get away to? Some kind of creative outlet? + Your exams are an important part of your future, so if you feel like the environment at home is not good for focus, you can maybe use a cafe or smth to study at?

I know it gets difficult, but try not to let it all get to you. Let it out when you need to. Your mom's anger is probably coming from a place rooted with darkness and trauma which she hasn't been able to escape from, but that also does not mean you should take the brunt of it.

Hang in there, I believe in you <3