I was called a sl*t for cheating
I cheated on my girlfriend (we're lesbians), I hooked up with other people. Admittedly, I didn't do the noble thing and confess, she just found out. Anyways, we were arguing while at her place and she started name-calling me out of anger things like '''slu*t'', ''who*re''. I don't mind maybe things like ''you have no shame'', but the other words were just derogatory, that I didn't expect it from her because we're both women which makes the situation worse. Yes, I know I cheated and technically did act like one ''wh*re'', I'm not denying the severity of my actions. But it doesn't mean that she can just say that; she can shout at me, she can insult me in other ways, but these words are where I draw the line. I spoke to my friend and she said that I deserve to be called these things. I disagreed and we got into an argument. Thoughts?
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She's likely feeling betrayed and furious because you cheated. Those words are not as bad as cheating on someone...
(edited 2 weeks ago)
There's times you can talk about the negativity surrounding labels and derogatory terms relating to promiscuity and betrayal, but being caught cheating isn't one of them. If you have any hope of salvaging things you pretty much need to shut up and take it for a while and either way people won't really give your hurt feelings much credit in such a situation, compared to the person you betrayed anyway.
Original post by StriderHort
There's times you can talk about the negativity surrounding labels and derogatory terms relating to promiscuity and betrayal, but being caught cheating isn't one of them. If you have any hope of salvaging things you pretty much need to shut up and take it for a while and either way people won't really give your hurt feelings much credit in such a situation, compared to the person you betrayed anyway.
prsom
Original post by Anonymous
I cheated on my girlfriend (we're lesbians), I hooked up with other people. Admittedly, I didn't do the noble thing and confess, she just found out. Anyways, we were arguing while at her place and she started name-calling me out of anger things like '''slu*t'', ''who*re''. I don't mind maybe things like ''you have no shame'', but the other words were just derogatory, that I didn't expect it from her because we're both women which makes the situation worse. Yes, I know I cheated and technically did act like one ''wh*re'', I'm not denying the severity of my actions. But it doesn't mean that she can just say that; she can shout at me, she can insult me in other ways, but these words are where I draw the line. I spoke to my friend and she said that I deserve to be called these things. I disagreed and we got into an argument. Thoughts?
I strongly disagree with the use of those labels in most cases, however cheating is the one context in which I don’t think the person being called them should complain. There is no excuse for cheating and it can deeply scar the partner being cheated on; in comparison to the harm done to the partner, being called one of those labels is nothing.
At the end of the day you’ve hurt someone deeply and betrayed their trust, so of course the language being used is going to be emotionally charged.
I don’t think now is the time to be splitting hairs over whether the other person is overstepping the mark with their choice of words. It smacks of whataboutism.
I don’t think now is the time to be splitting hairs over whether the other person is overstepping the mark with their choice of words. It smacks of whataboutism.
Original post by Anonymous
I cheated on my girlfriend (we're lesbians), I hooked up with other people. Admittedly, I didn't do the noble thing and confess, she just found out. Anyways, we were arguing while at her place and she started name-calling me out of anger things like '''slu*t'', ''who*re''. I don't mind maybe things like ''you have no shame'', but the other words were just derogatory, that I didn't expect it from her because we're both women which makes the situation worse. Yes, I know I cheated and technically did act like one ''wh*re'', I'm not denying the severity of my actions. But it doesn't mean that she can just say that; she can shout at me, she can insult me in other ways, but these words are where I draw the line. I spoke to my friend and she said that I deserve to be called these things. I disagreed and we got into an argument. Thoughts?
You admit that you acted like a wh*re but are upset that your gf used that word to describe you??? Not exactly logical, is it?
Original post by Anonymous
I cheated on my girlfriend (we're lesbians), I hooked up with other people. Admittedly, I didn't do the noble thing and confess, she just found out. Anyways, we were arguing while at her place and she started name-calling me out of anger things like '''slu*t'', ''who*re''. I don't mind maybe things like ''you have no shame'', but the other words were just derogatory, that I didn't expect it from her because we're both women which makes the situation worse. Yes, I know I cheated and technically did act like one ''wh*re'', I'm not denying the severity of my actions. But it doesn't mean that she can just say that; she can shout at me, she can insult me in other ways, but these words are where I draw the line. I spoke to my friend and she said that I deserve to be called these things. I disagreed and we got into an argument. Thoughts?
To be fair... you cheated on her. She has more than a reason to call you that (soz)
Original post by Anonymous
I cheated on my girlfriend (we're lesbians), I hooked up with other people. Admittedly, I didn't do the noble thing and confess, she just found out. Anyways, we were arguing while at her place and she started name-calling me out of anger things like '''slu*t'', ''who*re''. I don't mind maybe things like ''you have no shame'', but the other words were just derogatory, that I didn't expect it from her because we're both women which makes the situation worse. Yes, I know I cheated and technically did act like one ''wh*re'', I'm not denying the severity of my actions. But it doesn't mean that she can just say that; she can shout at me, she can insult me in other ways, but these words are where I draw the line. I spoke to my friend and she said that I deserve to be called these things. I disagreed and we got into an argument. Thoughts?
OOF
Your feelings are valid. AND you made a (very human) mistake and hurt someone (potentially very much).
Unkindness will not solve Unkindness (contrary to what others in this thread seem to think). You can feel that those names that you were called are out of order AND assess whether or not bringing that up with her would be the most helpful thing to do in this situation right now
Unkindness will not solve Unkindness (contrary to what others in this thread seem to think). You can feel that those names that you were called are out of order AND assess whether or not bringing that up with her would be the most helpful thing to do in this situation right now
Original post by Anonymous
Your feelings are valid. AND you made a (very human) mistake and hurt someone (potentially very much).
Unkindness will not solve Unkindness (contrary to what others in this thread seem to think). You can feel that those names that you were called are out of order AND assess whether or not bringing that up with her would be the most helpful thing to do in this situation right now
Unkindness will not solve Unkindness (contrary to what others in this thread seem to think). You can feel that those names that you were called are out of order AND assess whether or not bringing that up with her would be the most helpful thing to do in this situation right now
Cheating isn’t a mistake though, it’s a decision. She chose to cheat multiple times. She chose to hurt someone who loved her. Icl that doesn’t deserve much sympathy.
Original post by Anonymous
Cheating isn’t a mistake though, it’s a decision. She chose to cheat multiple times. She chose to hurt someone who loved her. Icl that doesn’t deserve much sympathy.
Cheating & decisions can absolutely be called mistakes. It's more common to describe cheating as not an accident.
You made your bed, now sleep in it.
Blimey... you guys can be like a pack of wolves when you get going. No wonder the OP hasn't replied since
From the tone of the post, I don't think the issue is her partner blowing off at her, it's more the language used (personally, I don't think "slu*t" is that bad nowadays (given how the term is casually used by some people)... but even as a guy, I can understand how hurtful being called a "wh*re" would be). It's language she didn't expect to come from another woman and TBH, I can kinda get that (she has even said "she can insult me in other ways"). From my own point of view, I'm black, and I can take being called most names (if I deserve it), apart from the "N" word and the "C" word (in case you haven't worked it out, they are probably considered to be the two most offensive words in the English language). If a guy were to call me either of those names, I'm likely to smash his face in. The "W" word is offensive as it's targeted against women in the same way the "N" word is targeted against black people.
@Anon #1 :- These kind of things are always going to be 100x worse if they find out from a third party... so whilst unpleasant for you, her reaction is somewhat understandable. We all say things in the heat of the moment, but how are things now (assuming the dust has settled?) While those names were unkind and hurtful, I don't think confronting her about it is really going to put you in the best light. If anything , that will only stoke the flames. If I were you, I'd just try and ride it out, take your punishment (if you don't split up) and take it as a (painful) lesson for future; and obvs don't do it again.
TBF, we don't know the full story here (although TBF, the OP hasn't bothered to explain the background to her cheating). Would it make a difference if someone cheated because they felt they were neglected by their partner (for whatever reason) than if they just "fancied a different 'flavour' that evening?)
From the tone of the post, I don't think the issue is her partner blowing off at her, it's more the language used (personally, I don't think "slu*t" is that bad nowadays (given how the term is casually used by some people)... but even as a guy, I can understand how hurtful being called a "wh*re" would be). It's language she didn't expect to come from another woman and TBH, I can kinda get that (she has even said "she can insult me in other ways"). From my own point of view, I'm black, and I can take being called most names (if I deserve it), apart from the "N" word and the "C" word (in case you haven't worked it out, they are probably considered to be the two most offensive words in the English language). If a guy were to call me either of those names, I'm likely to smash his face in. The "W" word is offensive as it's targeted against women in the same way the "N" word is targeted against black people.
Spoiler
Original post by Anonymous
Cheating isn’t a mistake though, it’s a decision. She chose to cheat multiple times. She chose to hurt someone who loved her. Icl that doesn’t deserve much sympathy.
TBF, we don't know the full story here (although TBF, the OP hasn't bothered to explain the background to her cheating). Would it make a difference if someone cheated because they felt they were neglected by their partner (for whatever reason) than if they just "fancied a different 'flavour' that evening?)
(edited 2 weeks ago)
The words may be where you drew the line but cheating crosses another line. I don't like those words but in this case it's not really justified to complain.
Original post by Sun in Splendour
That's part of the problem, OP is slut ting around in too many beds that aren't hers.
It's one thing for their partner to use these terms and quite another for you to start throwing them about to be insulting.
Original post by Sun in Splendour
Nah it's justified calling her that because that's the definition of one.
You're bound by the rules here so no, it isn't. The fact you can't actually use the word is a strong hint that you aren't allowed to insult people that way.
The person they cheated on has a reason to be angry and emotional, you don't and are just trying to use the language to offend.
Break up. The fact you felt the need to cheat in the first place shows that it's not a positive relationship that should be continued. She's understandably angry and probably feels like she can never trust you again. Both you and her violated the other's boundaries and there's probably no saving the relationship at that point.
As others have stated OP, her anger is justified and we say things in anger that are sometimes not filtered.
In your case, you chose to betray her. Complaining about what she thinks of you is like Russia complaining now that Ukraine has started lobbing missiles back. If you didn't want the consequences of your actions then you should not have commited said actions.
In your case, you chose to betray her. Complaining about what she thinks of you is like Russia complaining now that Ukraine has started lobbing missiles back. If you didn't want the consequences of your actions then you should not have commited said actions.
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