a lot on my mind

Thanks for tuning in. I'm new here. Would appreciate any advice

A bit about me; I'm 20 and I lack direction -- the main point of this chat. My life has gradually been spiraling downwards over the past 4 years ever since having finished secondary, in 2020, during the COVID period. I didn't really know what I wanted to do in the future, or go on to study. Funnily, I've had nightmares along these years about my future and my past decisions. It affects my day-to-day life at times, as I get slightly depressed and anxious.

However, I'm of course determined and very optimistic. I passed my GCSEs with 9 predicted grades due to COVID at the time. But, my grades weren't excellent. I had merely passed Maths, for example. I didn't spend much time studying -- which I should have and regret -- but that has passed.

I went onto do Business at College. Passed with triple distinction. I wish I had went to sixth form though instead. I'm not sure as to why I didn't switch as I had difficulty with the college experience and disliked the atmosphere.

Anyways, whilst most of the class went onto uni or such, I had went on a gap year abroad to my other country. It was kind of an 'unplanned' stay as I wasn't planning on doing a gap year but wanted to go onto a degree apprenticeship, or hoped so. In the year, there were ups and downs, notably having lost all connection to my past friends and being lost in touch with the UK. Most of my time went into family, experiences, memories, making some money, and eventually going on to construct a residence -- in the hopes that I'd move abroad there in the future or use it as an investment, perhaps renting it out.

One year went by, and so has another now. I had come back to the UK last year at the end of summer and felt out of place. I had no idea what I wanted to do. So, I had started working a bit. Again though, this summer I had gone back to my other country, as I spend summers over there usually. I had come back to the UK not long ago. My time over there is conflicting, as I don't spend much time by myself, rather a lot with family, and further upgrading the residence or sorting some legal paper works for it..

I have aspirations to further study. I'm just conflicted, there's a lot on my mind and I feel many responsibilities, which I can understand. However, I though of going to university, but I think I'm late for clearing 2024 or so? And I'm not keen on taking out a loan for personal reasons. I was wondering if to self-fund it or go abroad but these don't seem feasible for me at the moment, to be honest. I also am wanting to look into apprenticeships. I applied to a few.

I know this may be all over the place, but that's how I feel.

I'm socially deprived as I haven't interacted in a long time with those in my generation. Many of my past friends have made new ones at uni and have gone on with their lives, which is normal (I guess). I keep in contact at times but they seem busy and just leave me out.

I want to study, I need to earn money, yet I don't know what to study. Something specific or general? I'm aware that I should look into my interests. I'd love to do a degree apprenticeship, but I'm worrisome of the apprenticeship availability and competition. I'm worrisome about what I'm going to do and if I even get into one. I got conflicting interests as well. Law, business, accounting, but also interested in engineering, architecture, and the built environment. I'm not sure what I want to go into. I want something that allows me specialize yet still be able to cross over to other industries and fields, even that may have opportunities abroad. That's why I also wish I had done engineering instead of business. Though I did great at both in secondary, I obviously wasn't excelling at Maths. I also like law, but I think it's obvious as the saying goes that 'Law doesn't travel'. I'm just unsure to be honest. Thought of doing a trade but I'd like to further my education whilst I still have the flexibility at the moment.

I feel as if I'm lagging behind. I don't even go out, haven't even been out once, to be honest. Just stating that for the experience. I know I'm craving my own path though. It's just that this whole experience of getting back into study has been on and off. My life is split now between the UK and abroad (due to the residence -- which I feel as if was a mistake that I made -- but has happened).

Overall, it's all over the place, a lot on my mind.
Apologies for the long read and untidiness.
Would appreciate your thoughts and any helpful advice.
Thanks.