Loneliness

I was all alone in year 12 and I suffered badly, I often felt like ending it and it was bad bcs it was a big adjustment from high school where I had lots of friends and a bf and not much work. In year 12 , I was an external where everyone had their groups and I couldn’t make friends so I spent everyday wondering in alleys at lunch or sitting alone in the library then walking home. Often I’d go a day or so without speaking because there was simply no one there. My family life was bad too , toxic household and all. Mocks was bad , I had breakdowns everyday and it took a turn for the worse, me and my bf basically broke up, I aired my old friends for 3 weeks I hated my self I got a D in my maths mock. This guy liked me but he was with the popular nosey kids and because my situation with my bf was messy it drove him away , unnecessary people getting involved and I sabotaged, I’d act like I want him then when I got him I’d get scared and I couldn’t predict what would happen so I’d sabotage so I’d have a sense of control. While being alone was eating me up, my grades for my other subjects were very good A* in literature and A in history because of all the spare time I had. Summer came around, I locked myself in my room for 2 weeks and ate maybe a snack for a day, this allowed me to get all my work done and future work and put me in a good position for September. Year 13, all this work it distracts me from my thoughts and it’s gotten so bad without realising but when I relax and sit to think all I have in my brain is a checklist of things I need to get done, I have no real thoughts anymore and if I do it’s hard to concentrate with them. I don’t remember my days as they pass such as what I ate yesterday or what I wore , my memory was my pride but now it’s withering away. I don’t feel anymore, my bf did a lovely gesture and I didn’t feel anything towards it at all, I don’t feel happy sad love angry just annoyance and emptiness. My bestfriends of 6 years go to a different school and they all have friends and when they send pics in our 3 way gc of them and their friends it reminds me of my loneliness and misery. My bf has friends in his college and I have no one at all, I just drift. I’m always alone. One of my close friends of 5 years was the closest thing to a friend in sixth form, me and him would only walk home together or play video games and call every couple of nights, go to McDonald’s, just hang out and have fun, he got a gf last week and he didn’t even tell me till today, he doesn’t text me, ask to walk him or anything at all , has a new friend group but I was never in his friend group, I feel weird about it, I’m happy for him but I kinda feel like “that’s all I meant” because we only walked home together because he had to wait for his mum and I was the only one available , he’d make jokes that I’m just his walking buddy or game buddy but we joked like that but it seems he meant it now. I feel somewhat betrayed and I won’t speak to him about it but essentially what I’m getting at is, I feel this sense of emptiness and jealousy, having friends in school, or a gf/bf in school just being someone’s first choice, even being someone’s 10th choice is okay because I am no one’s choice and I just feel this emptiness and yearning and I don’t think it’ll ever end. I get delusional when people pay me attention. This year 12 boy approached me and spoke with me, we waved every time we saw eachother, then he just stopped, stopped acknowledging my existence, stopping waving, looking at me, what did I do, the other guy hates me understandably, everyone says I have negative energy but idk what I’m doing I just want to be seen and befriended, I know I’m in year 13 but I don’t see change or happiness in the future, I see work, responsibilities, I’m wasting my youth, I feel a sad jealousy and idk what to do. I just want something but I know I can’t have anything so I’m just putting this out there I guess.

I was all alone in year 12 and I suffered badly, I often felt like ending it and it was bad bcs it was a big adjustment from high school where I had lots of friends and a bf and not much work. In year 12 , I was an external where everyone had their groups and I couldn’t make friends so I spent everyday wondering in alleys at lunch or sitting alone in the library then walking home. Often I’d go a day or so without speaking because there was simply no one there. My family life was bad too , toxic household and all. Mocks was bad , I had breakdowns everyday and it took a turn for the worse, me and my bf basically broke up, I aired my old friends for 3 weeks I hated my self I got a D in my maths mock. This guy liked me but he was with the popular nosey kids and because my situation with my bf was messy it drove him away , unnecessary people getting involved and I sabotaged, I’d act like I want him then when I got him I’d get scared and I couldn’t predict what would happen so I’d sabotage so I’d have a sense of control. While being alone was eating me up, my grades for my other subjects were very good A* in literature and A in history because of all the spare time I had. Summer came around, I locked myself in my room for 2 weeks and ate maybe a snack for a day, this allowed me to get all my work done and future work and put me in a good position for September. Year 13, all this work it distracts me from my thoughts and it’s gotten so bad without realising but when I relax and sit to think all I have in my brain is a checklist of things I need to get done, I have no real thoughts anymore and if I do it’s hard to concentrate with them. I don’t remember my days as they pass such as what I ate yesterday or what I wore , my memory was my pride but now it’s withering away. I don’t feel anymore, my bf did a lovely gesture and I didn’t feel anything towards it at all, I don’t feel happy sad love angry just annoyance and emptiness. My bestfriends of 6 years go to a different school and they all have friends and when they send pics in our 3 way gc of them and their friends it reminds me of my loneliness and misery. My bf has friends in his college and I have no one at all, I just drift. I’m always alone. One of my close friends of 5 years was the closest thing to a friend in sixth form, me and him would only walk home together or play video games and call every couple of nights, go to McDonald’s, just hang out and have fun, he got a gf last week and he didn’t even tell me till today, he doesn’t text me, ask to walk him or anything at all , has a new friend group but I was never in his friend group, I feel weird about it, I’m happy for him but I kinda feel like “that’s all I meant” because we only walked home together because he had to wait for his mum and I was the only one available , he’d make jokes that I’m just his walking buddy or game buddy but we joked like that but it seems he meant it now. I feel somewhat betrayed and I won’t speak to him about it but essentially what I’m getting at is, I feel this sense of emptiness and jealousy, having friends in school, or a gf/bf in school just being someone’s first choice, even being someone’s 10th choice is okay because I am no one’s choice and I just feel this emptiness and yearning and I don’t think it’ll ever end. I get delusional when people pay me attention. This year 12 boy approached me and spoke with me, we waved every time we saw eachother, then he just stopped, stopped acknowledging my existence, stopping waving, looking at me, what did I do, the other guy hates me understandably, everyone says I have negative energy but idk what I’m doing I just want to be seen and befriended, I know I’m in year 13 but I don’t see change or happiness in the future, I see work, responsibilities, I’m wasting my youth, I feel a sad jealousy and idk what to do. I just want something but I know I can’t have anything so I’m just putting this out there I guess.