Girlfriend wants to live with another guy in 2nd year of uni
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Original post by Wired_1800
I dont want to be the one with negative views but there is an anecdotal experience where two of my accommodation mates slept with each other. Both were in semi long-term relationships, with one having her bf before uni. It got leaked when one of the girls that she had confided in, as she apparently felt guilty, told her bf who then told some rowing buddies that I was mates with. I did not tell anyone (i am not a grass) but it became an inside story for sometime before it became public.
The OP’s case could be different as the guy is homosexual. However, i think he has a right to have reservations due to mixed gender living esp if he is not there.
The OP’s case could be different as the guy is homosexual. However, i think he has a right to have reservations due to mixed gender living esp if he is not there.
And you believe that had they not been living in mixed accommodation, both of their relationships would have lasted forever and neither of them would have cheated with someone else given the opportunity?
Original post by Wired_1800
I dont want to be the one with negative views but there is an anecdotal experience where two of my accommodation mates slept with each other. Both were in semi long-term relationships, with one having her bf before uni. It got leaked when one of the girls that she had confided in, as she apparently felt guilty, told her bf who then told some rowing buddies that I was mates with. I did not tell anyone (i am not a grass) but it became an inside story for sometime before it became public.
The OP’s case could be different as the guy is homosexual. However, i think he has a right to have reservations due to mixed gender living esp if he is not there.
The OP’s case could be different as the guy is homosexual. However, i think he has a right to have reservations due to mixed gender living esp if he is not there.
Im not saying it doesnt happen, but i bet staistically it happens a lot less than people think!
It also usually happens when people arnt happy with their boyfriend/girlfriend lets be honest. You can be with someone for ages but if you gonna cheat you gonna cheat
I personally dont believe he should stop her living with who she likes, he dont really get a say or hes controlling her
Original post by Crazy Jamie
And you believe that had they not been living in mixed accommodation, both of their relationships would have lasted forever and neither of them would have cheated with someone else given the opportunity?
No of course not. I agree that it is dependent on individuals. My point was there is always a risk.
Original post by PonchoKid
Im not saying it doesnt happen, but i bet staistically it happens a lot less than people think!
It also usually happens when people arnt happy with their boyfriend/girlfriend lets be honest. You can be with someone for ages but if you gonna cheat you gonna cheat
I personally dont believe he should stop her living with who she likes, he dont really get a say or hes controlling her
It also usually happens when people arnt happy with their boyfriend/girlfriend lets be honest. You can be with someone for ages but if you gonna cheat you gonna cheat
I personally dont believe he should stop her living with who she likes, he dont really get a say or hes controlling her
You are right that most of the time, there are elements of unhappiness or dissatisfaction. I think at uni with young hormonal and often bored teenagers, there are opportunities to stray esp when your partner is not there. I think some members of this thread are analysing the situation based on an older adult’s lens rather than that of 18 or 19 year olds
I disagree with the controlling point. To me, the OP can have his boundaries and if she crosses them then they move on.
Original post by PonchoKid
Im not saying it doesnt happen, but i bet staistically it happens a lot less than people think!
It also usually happens when people arnt happy with their boyfriend/girlfriend lets be honest. You can be with someone for ages but if you gonna cheat you gonna cheat
I personally dont believe he should stop her living with who she likes, he dont really get a say or hes controlling her
It also usually happens when people arnt happy with their boyfriend/girlfriend lets be honest. You can be with someone for ages but if you gonna cheat you gonna cheat
I personally dont believe he should stop her living with who she likes, he dont really get a say or hes controlling her
Enforcing boundaries is not being controlling.
Original post by Anonymous
Enforcing boundaries is not being controlling.
A boundry isnt telling someone who they should and shouldnt live with because of their gender.
Original post by PonchoKid
A boundry isnt telling someone who they should and shouldnt live with because of their gender.
Would you say telling your girlfriend you want her to stop wearing provocative clothing when going out with her friends is controlling?
Original post by Anonymous
Would you say telling your girlfriend you want her to stop wearing provocative clothing when going out with her friends is controlling?
Yes... that's obviously controlling? Let her do what she wants, if she betrays you, she was always going to betray you.
Original post by Wired_1800
You are right that most of the time, there are elements of unhappiness or dissatisfaction. I think at uni with young hormonal and often bored teenagers, there are opportunities to stray esp when your partner is not there. I think some members of this thread are analysing the situation based on an older adult’s lens rather than that of 18 or 19 year olds
I disagree with the controlling point. To me, the OP can have his boundaries and if she crosses them then they move on.
I disagree with the controlling point. To me, the OP can have his boundaries and if she crosses them then they move on.
But if your basing it of young and hormonal and living free at uni then they could go sleep with anyone even if she dont live with them.
I really dont see the reasoning behind not letting your partner live with who they want unless theres an element of mistrust.
Where does it stop? No guy friends? No guys friends allowed to sleep over?
Original post by Anonymous
Would you say telling your girlfriend you want her to stop wearing provocative clothing when going out with her friends is controlling?
Yes because she can wear what she wants.
If she feels comfortable why shouldnt she?
Original post by Mr_Pizza
Yes... that's obviously controlling? Let her do what she wants, if she betrays you, she was always going to betray you.
Original post by PonchoKid
Yes because she can wear what she wants.
If she feels comfortable why shouldnt she?
If she feels comfortable why shouldnt she?
I think we fundamentally disagree on the concepts of relationships so I’m not going to engage further as there’s no point and it’ll lead away from OP’s question.
Original post by PonchoKid
But if your basing it of young and hormonal and living free at uni then they could go sleep with anyone even if she dont live with them.
I really dont see the reasoning behind not letting your partner live with who they want unless theres an element of mistrust.
Where does it stop? No guy friends? No guys friends allowed to sleep over?
I really dont see the reasoning behind not letting your partner live with who they want unless theres an element of mistrust.
Where does it stop? No guy friends? No guys friends allowed to sleep over?
It is fair. I think it is based on boundaries.
Original post by Anonymous
I think we fundamentally disagree on the concepts of relationships so I’m not going to engage further as there’s no point and it’ll lead away from OP’s question.
I think everyone’s got a different opinion. Personally I believe each partner has the right to certain boundaries that show respect towards each other
Original post by Student48150
Me and my girlfriend are in the first year of university but at different places. We’ve got a great relationship and fully trust each other but I need some advice on a matter. Only two weeks into term she’s said she wants to live with a gay guy she’s met for the second year. Whilst a straight guy would obviously be a red line for me, I’m not sure how I feel about a gay dude that I haven’t met and she’s only known for a matter of days. Any advice would be appreciated 
Well I'm not going to tell you what you should do... I can only give you my experiences as a red-blooded straight guy who's lived with girls most of my uni years (both in halls and private accommodation).
Firstly, have a reality check. It's only the first couple of weeks in the term... it's a new environment and situation for everyone, them living together is not going to happen for almost another year; a lot of things / events can occur in that time that may change anyone's mind. For instance, have they even had the Fresher bazar yet? A lot of people meet close friends through clubs and societies, as that's where they'll meet others who have the same interest(s) as themselves. Within that year, she may find out all sorts of things about him that may put her off the idea of living with him.
Secondly, would it be just the two of them? Whilst I can expect some people occasionally to find a 2 bedroom flat somewhere, in most cases student houses consist of about 4-5 people, so there would almost certainly be others present. Would it be such a big deal if it was him and, say 3 other girls? After all, if this gay guy is a "femme" (after all, they're normally the only type of gays who'll have anything to do with women), then he'll basically be 'one of the girls'. Is the real issue that you're scared she'll become his "f*g hag", and they'll spend all their time together?
Thirdly, even though there were a couple of girls I was attracted to, living with them quickly put me off them. You get to know all their bad habits... you get to see them when they wake up in the morning (full of sleep and halitosis); you have to share a bathroom / toilet with them (they used to take ages in the bathroom; you smell the toilet after they've been... and you get a real bo***king for leaving the toilet seat up etc.). All these things (as well as the general protocols of living together) meant I saw them more as sisters than anything else.
Honestly, most of the "coupling up" tends to happen in the first year, in halls. By the time they're in a shared house, they've got it all out their system and they've grown out of it (course commitments will also play a part). The closest I got to getting with any of them was pretending to be their boyfriend on a night out, in order to help them get rid of unwanted attention they were getting.
Original post by Student48150
I never said or implied that I thought she’d cheat. I’m just not entirely comfortable with her living with other guys as I don’t know what their intentions are. There’s a stark difference between the two.
How physically attractive is she? How outgoing and charismatic is she? Does she have an adventurous approach to sex?
If she's not that attractive, or not that charismatic, or not sexually adventurous, what are you doing with her instead of getting yourself a girlfriend that is?
If she is all of those, you can expect guys to hit on her and make a move on her all the time.
And given the context of you being hours away and not seeing her that often, it would be understandable from her point of view if she slept with another.
The only things in your favour would be that most students are poor to mediocre at Game. And the integrity of your girlfriend.
You CAN'T have it both ways: a top level girlfriend for you, that somehow becomes invisible when you're not there.
The best you can do with a desirable girlfriend in this context is to use reverse psychology.
Tell her that you love her. Very much. And that you love her so much that want what's best for her from her point of view. So that if she ever comes across a guy to whom she's attracted, a part of you would want her to try him, whilst a part of you would hate her doing this, but the part that wants the best for her would win out. So that you hope she'll have a great social life at her uni, and you realise that she may fall into the arms of another. And that if that happens you'd like her to tell you about it, before getting into bed with you again. Although you'd understand if she kept it secret.
And that if all this happens, you'd want to sit down with her and take a rain check and decide what would be the best way forward for each of you from there.
If you've got your head screwed on properly, you will have an active social life at your uni and if you come across someone you're attracted to, you'll make your move. And if that move leads to sex you'll let your remote girlfriend know about it.
You should be aiming to be an attractive man. You should be aiming to become (if you're not already) the joint best boyfriend in the world. And as such a man, you'll have options.
When it comes to trust, you should never fully trust another person. Because we, as human beings, can change, and we can be very good at lying and keeping secrets.
So that it's all about balance of probabilities. It may be probable that she's been faithful. It's never definite. That's OK. It's not the end of the world if she has sex with another and she keeps it secret and you never find out. It's also not the end of the world if she cheats and you find out. All it is is the end of one chapter in your life and the start of another.
There are ways you can behave to reduce the chances of your being cheated on. The reverse psychology is one of them. Others include you being the joint best boyfriend in the world. Others include you developing your empathy and ability to read people and you applying that to whom you select to be your girlfriend.
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
How physically attractive is she? How outgoing and charismatic is she? Does she have an adventurous approach to sex?
If she's not that attractive, or not that charismatic, or not sexually adventurous, what are you doing with her instead of getting yourself a girlfriend that is?
If she is all of those, you can expect guys to hit on her and make a move on her all the time.
And given the context of you being hours away and not seeing her that often, it would be understandable from her point of view if she slept with another.
The only things in your favour would be that most students are poor to mediocre at Game. And the integrity of your girlfriend.
You CAN'T have it both ways: a top level girlfriend for you, that somehow becomes invisible when you're not there.
The best you can do with a desirable girlfriend in this context is to use reverse psychology.
Tell her that you love her. Very much. And that you love her so much that want what's best for her from her point of view. So that if she ever comes across a guy to whom she's attracted, a part of you would want her to try him, whilst a part of you would hate her doing this, but the part that wants the best for her would win out. So that you hope she'll have a great social life at her uni, and you realise that she may fall into the arms of another. And that if that happens you'd like her to tell you about it, before getting into bed with you again. Although you'd understand if she kept it secret.
And that if all this happens, you'd want to sit down with her and take a rain check and decide what would be the best way forward for each of you from there.
If you've got your head screwed on properly, you will have an active social life at your uni and if you come across someone you're attracted to, you'll make your move. And if that move leads to sex you'll let your remote girlfriend know about it.
You should be aiming to be an attractive man. You should be aiming to become (if you're not already) the joint best boyfriend in the world. And as such a man, you'll have options.
When it comes to trust, you should never fully trust another person. Because we, as human beings, can change, and we can be very good at lying and keeping secrets.
So that it's all about balance of probabilities. It may be probable that she's been faithful. It's never definite. That's OK. It's not the end of the world if she has sex with another and she keeps it secret and you never find out. It's also not the end of the world if she cheats and you find out. All it is is the end of one chapter in your life and the start of another.
There are ways you can behave to reduce the chances of your being cheated on. The reverse psychology is one of them. Others include you being the joint best boyfriend in the world. Others include you developing your empathy and ability to read people and you applying that to whom you select to be your girlfriend.
If she's not that attractive, or not that charismatic, or not sexually adventurous, what are you doing with her instead of getting yourself a girlfriend that is?
If she is all of those, you can expect guys to hit on her and make a move on her all the time.
And given the context of you being hours away and not seeing her that often, it would be understandable from her point of view if she slept with another.
The only things in your favour would be that most students are poor to mediocre at Game. And the integrity of your girlfriend.
You CAN'T have it both ways: a top level girlfriend for you, that somehow becomes invisible when you're not there.
The best you can do with a desirable girlfriend in this context is to use reverse psychology.
Tell her that you love her. Very much. And that you love her so much that want what's best for her from her point of view. So that if she ever comes across a guy to whom she's attracted, a part of you would want her to try him, whilst a part of you would hate her doing this, but the part that wants the best for her would win out. So that you hope she'll have a great social life at her uni, and you realise that she may fall into the arms of another. And that if that happens you'd like her to tell you about it, before getting into bed with you again. Although you'd understand if she kept it secret.
And that if all this happens, you'd want to sit down with her and take a rain check and decide what would be the best way forward for each of you from there.
If you've got your head screwed on properly, you will have an active social life at your uni and if you come across someone you're attracted to, you'll make your move. And if that move leads to sex you'll let your remote girlfriend know about it.
You should be aiming to be an attractive man. You should be aiming to become (if you're not already) the joint best boyfriend in the world. And as such a man, you'll have options.
When it comes to trust, you should never fully trust another person. Because we, as human beings, can change, and we can be very good at lying and keeping secrets.
So that it's all about balance of probabilities. It may be probable that she's been faithful. It's never definite. That's OK. It's not the end of the world if she has sex with another and she keeps it secret and you never find out. It's also not the end of the world if she cheats and you find out. All it is is the end of one chapter in your life and the start of another.
There are ways you can behave to reduce the chances of your being cheated on. The reverse psychology is one of them. Others include you being the joint best boyfriend in the world. Others include you developing your empathy and ability to read people and you applying that to whom you select to be your girlfriend.
what in the world of **** are you even talking about
Original post by Student48150
Opinions on if it were that gay guy along with two other straight guys?
Then you warn any girlfriends of the straight guys that there's a gay guy on the house who might have intentions towards their boyfriends. And warn the gay guy that you aren't sure about the sexuality of the the 2 suppised straight guys. And warn the straight and gay guys that your girlfriend is there and you can't trust her with anybody.
I'll say it again. Anybody could have intentions towards your girlfriend, whether they live with her or not. Are you going to vet every male on her course and societies? Or do you trust her to deal with any approaches and brush them off?
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
How physically attractive is she? How outgoing and charismatic is she? Does she have an adventurous approach to sex?
If she's not that attractive, or not that charismatic, or not sexually adventurous, what are you doing with her instead of getting yourself a girlfriend that is?
If she is all of those, you can expect guys to hit on her and make a move on her all the time.
And given the context of you being hours away and not seeing her that often, it would be understandable from her point of view if she slept with another.
The only things in your favour would be that most students are poor to mediocre at Game. And the integrity of your girlfriend.
You CAN'T have it both ways: a top level girlfriend for you, that somehow becomes invisible when you're not there.
The best you can do with a desirable girlfriend in this context is to use reverse psychology.
Tell her that you love her. Very much. And that you love her so much that want what's best for her from her point of view. So that if she ever comes across a guy to whom she's attracted, a part of you would want her to try him, whilst a part of you would hate her doing this, but the part that wants the best for her would win out. So that you hope she'll have a great social life at her uni, and you realise that she may fall into the arms of another. And that if that happens you'd like her to tell you about it, before getting into bed with you again. Although you'd understand if she kept it secret.
And that if all this happens, you'd want to sit down with her and take a rain check and decide what would be the best way forward for each of you from there.
If you've got your head screwed on properly, you will have an active social life at your uni and if you come across someone you're attracted to, you'll make your move. And if that move leads to sex you'll let your remote girlfriend know about it.
You should be aiming to be an attractive man. You should be aiming to become (if you're not already) the joint best boyfriend in the world. And as such a man, you'll have options.
When it comes to trust, you should never fully trust another person. Because we, as human beings, can change, and we can be very good at lying and keeping secrets.
So that it's all about balance of probabilities. It may be probable that she's been faithful. It's never definite. That's OK. It's not the end of the world if she has sex with another and she keeps it secret and you never find out. It's also not the end of the world if she cheats and you find out. All it is is the end of one chapter in your life and the start of another.
There are ways you can behave to reduce the chances of your being cheated on. The reverse psychology is one of them. Others include you being the joint best boyfriend in the world. Others include you developing your empathy and ability to read people and you applying that to whom you select to be your girlfriend.
If she's not that attractive, or not that charismatic, or not sexually adventurous, what are you doing with her instead of getting yourself a girlfriend that is?
If she is all of those, you can expect guys to hit on her and make a move on her all the time.
And given the context of you being hours away and not seeing her that often, it would be understandable from her point of view if she slept with another.
The only things in your favour would be that most students are poor to mediocre at Game. And the integrity of your girlfriend.
You CAN'T have it both ways: a top level girlfriend for you, that somehow becomes invisible when you're not there.
The best you can do with a desirable girlfriend in this context is to use reverse psychology.
Tell her that you love her. Very much. And that you love her so much that want what's best for her from her point of view. So that if she ever comes across a guy to whom she's attracted, a part of you would want her to try him, whilst a part of you would hate her doing this, but the part that wants the best for her would win out. So that you hope she'll have a great social life at her uni, and you realise that she may fall into the arms of another. And that if that happens you'd like her to tell you about it, before getting into bed with you again. Although you'd understand if she kept it secret.
And that if all this happens, you'd want to sit down with her and take a rain check and decide what would be the best way forward for each of you from there.
If you've got your head screwed on properly, you will have an active social life at your uni and if you come across someone you're attracted to, you'll make your move. And if that move leads to sex you'll let your remote girlfriend know about it.
You should be aiming to be an attractive man. You should be aiming to become (if you're not already) the joint best boyfriend in the world. And as such a man, you'll have options.
When it comes to trust, you should never fully trust another person. Because we, as human beings, can change, and we can be very good at lying and keeping secrets.
So that it's all about balance of probabilities. It may be probable that she's been faithful. It's never definite. That's OK. It's not the end of the world if she has sex with another and she keeps it secret and you never find out. It's also not the end of the world if she cheats and you find out. All it is is the end of one chapter in your life and the start of another.
There are ways you can behave to reduce the chances of your being cheated on. The reverse psychology is one of them. Others include you being the joint best boyfriend in the world. Others include you developing your empathy and ability to read people and you applying that to whom you select to be your girlfriend.
All I got from that was you don't think girls who are quiet and not physically attractive by your standards are good girlfriends and you advocate cheating.
Original post by Anonymous
Yes you are right. Women are attracted to men with leadership traits who point out when they have done something wrong. If they can sense they can do what they want such as hanging out with straight male friends, women can then undermine the man and push the boundaries by doing things that are disrespectful to the relationship.
In this case the friend is apparently gay, so it’s not that big of an issue. Like I’ve said many times, the OP just needs to make sure there’s nothing weird about the friend. If all is good, there is no problem here.
I’m glad you live in the real world unlike some posters here.
In this case the friend is apparently gay, so it’s not that big of an issue. Like I’ve said many times, the OP just needs to make sure there’s nothing weird about the friend. If all is good, there is no problem here.
I’m glad you live in the real world unlike some posters here.
I think you might have misread @mnot's tone there.
Still amused that you think it's appropriate to investigate and vet your partners friends 😂 btw talking of boundaries and controlling behaviours, creating boundaries for other people is absolutely controlling behaviour.
Original post by Anonymous
Would you say telling your girlfriend you want her to stop wearing provocative clothing when going out with her friends is controlling?
We need to be really clear on this, because as much as you can try to dress this up as having "legitimate concerns" or wanting to set "reasonable boundaries", the reality is that this is straight from the Andrew Tate playbook and is at the top end of a very slippery slope. This is not an "agree to disagree" situation. This sort of thing is controlling and misogynistic. It is wrong. Don't do it.
I do hesitate to plant my flag so firmly into the ground, because constructive debate is a good thing, even on the internet. But it is extremely clear in this thread that the divide is between older members who have a lot of experience, are in established relationship and understand what it is to trust, communicate and resolve conflict within relationships, versus much younger members who do not have that experience. That does not mean that we are automatically right. Most of us are parents. We appreciate that teenagers generally won't want to listen to us. But the problem, and it is very much a modern one, is that it is very easy for teenage boys in particular to be exposed to content online which tries to dress itself up as being reasonable, but in reality is very plainly misogynistic. I am afraid that that is the line we have here. This is not what it is to respect women in relationships. It is not what it is to respect women generally. I sincerely hope that most, if not all of you will realise this as you get older. I don't criticise any of you for it now (with one or two limited exceptions) because I get how come by this information and become influenced by these ideas. But they are just so damaging for you and the women that you know now and will come to know in future, and nothing good comes of them.
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