Girlfriend wants to live with another guy in 2nd year of uni
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Original post by Crazy Jamie
We need to be really clear on this, because as much as you can try to dress this up as having "legitimate concerns" or wanting to set "reasonable boundaries", the reality is that this is straight from the Andrew Tate playbook and is at the top end of a very slippery slope. This is not an "agree to disagree" situation. This sort of thing is controlling and misogynistic. It is wrong. Don't do it.
I do hesitate to plant my flag so firmly into the ground, because constructive debate is a good thing, even on the internet. But it is extremely clear in this thread that the divide is between older members who have a lot of experience, are in established relationship and understand what it is to trust, communicate and resolve conflict within relationships, versus much younger members who do not have that experience. That does not mean that we are automatically right. Most of us are parents. We appreciate that teenagers generally won't want to listen to us. But the problem, and it is very much a modern one, is that it is very easy for teenage boys in particular to be exposed to content online which tries to dress itself up as being reasonable, but in reality is very plainly misogynistic. I am afraid that that is the line we have here. This is not what it is to respect women in relationships. It is not what it is to respect women generally. I sincerely hope that most, if not all of you will realise this as you get older. I don't criticise any of you for it now (with one or two limited exceptions) because I get how come by this information and become influenced by these ideas. But they are just so damaging for you and the women that you know now and will come to know in future, and nothing good comes of them.
I do hesitate to plant my flag so firmly into the ground, because constructive debate is a good thing, even on the internet. But it is extremely clear in this thread that the divide is between older members who have a lot of experience, are in established relationship and understand what it is to trust, communicate and resolve conflict within relationships, versus much younger members who do not have that experience. That does not mean that we are automatically right. Most of us are parents. We appreciate that teenagers generally won't want to listen to us. But the problem, and it is very much a modern one, is that it is very easy for teenage boys in particular to be exposed to content online which tries to dress itself up as being reasonable, but in reality is very plainly misogynistic. I am afraid that that is the line we have here. This is not what it is to respect women in relationships. It is not what it is to respect women generally. I sincerely hope that most, if not all of you will realise this as you get older. I don't criticise any of you for it now (with one or two limited exceptions) because I get how come by this information and become influenced by these ideas. But they are just so damaging for you and the women that you know now and will come to know in future, and nothing good comes of them.
There's nothing misogynistic or "Andrew Tate" about what I said. I think it's important to encourage men and women to express their feelings in a calm way to each other when in a relationship with another person.
This isn't linked to OP's question so I will not comment further, but I think it's insane how you think it's controlling for telling your partner they are doing something that is making you unhappy. I never said they should be forced to listen / change their behaviours.
Original post by Crazy Jamie
We need to be really clear on this, because as much as you can try to dress this up as having "legitimate concerns" or wanting to set "reasonable boundaries", the reality is that this is straight from the Andrew Tate playbook and is at the top end of a very slippery slope. This is not an "agree to disagree" situation. This sort of thing is controlling and misogynistic. It is wrong. Don't do it.
I do hesitate to plant my flag so firmly into the ground, because constructive debate is a good thing, even on the internet. But it is extremely clear in this thread that the divide is between older members who have a lot of experience, are in established relationship and understand what it is to trust, communicate and resolve conflict within relationships, versus much younger members who do not have that experience. That does not mean that we are automatically right. Most of us are parents. We appreciate that teenagers generally won't want to listen to us. But the problem, and it is very much a modern one, is that it is very easy for teenage boys in particular to be exposed to content online which tries to dress itself up as being reasonable, but in reality is very plainly misogynistic. I am afraid that that is the line we have here. This is not what it is to respect women in relationships. It is not what it is to respect women generally. I sincerely hope that most, if not all of you will realise this as you get older. I don't criticise any of you for it now (with one or two limited exceptions) because I get how come by this information and become influenced by these ideas. But they are just so damaging for you and the women that you know now and will come to know in future, and nothing good comes of them.
I do hesitate to plant my flag so firmly into the ground, because constructive debate is a good thing, even on the internet. But it is extremely clear in this thread that the divide is between older members who have a lot of experience, are in established relationship and understand what it is to trust, communicate and resolve conflict within relationships, versus much younger members who do not have that experience. That does not mean that we are automatically right. Most of us are parents. We appreciate that teenagers generally won't want to listen to us. But the problem, and it is very much a modern one, is that it is very easy for teenage boys in particular to be exposed to content online which tries to dress itself up as being reasonable, but in reality is very plainly misogynistic. I am afraid that that is the line we have here. This is not what it is to respect women in relationships. It is not what it is to respect women generally. I sincerely hope that most, if not all of you will realise this as you get older. I don't criticise any of you for it now (with one or two limited exceptions) because I get how come by this information and become influenced by these ideas. But they are just so damaging for you and the women that you know now and will come to know in future, and nothing good comes of them.
It was only a matter of time for the accusations of misogyny would crop up. Having boundaries and expectations do not or should not result in being called a misogynist.
An individual not being comfortable with their partner living in a flat with only males should not be viewed as controlling. It does not mean that the individual does not want her to have male friends or hate women and it is odd that the extreme is often used to label male boundaries. If a female does not want her man to live with only females, it would be silly to call her misandrist.
To the point about clothing and dressing. To me, it is reasonable to inform your partner about your concerns about how they dress. I do not think it should be belittling or making her to feel small. If they choose to dress provocatively, it is fine to say something that to suffer in silence.
To be brutally honest, I do not waste my time telling people how to act or dress or behave. I allow them to show who they really are and I move accordingly.
(edited 4 days ago)
Original post by Wired_1800
It is fair. I think it is based on boundaries.
Do boundaries only work one way? Doesn't the girlfriend have boundaries that stop her from cheating on her boyfriend? Has she complained to her boyfriend about what interaction he should have with females at uni?
Original post by Wired_1800
It was only a matter of time for the accusations of misogyny would crop up. Having boundaries and expectations do not or should not result in being called a misogynist.
An individual not being comfortable with their partner living in a flat with only males should not be viewed as controlling. It does not mean that the individual does not want her to have male friends or hate women and it is odd that the extreme is often used to label male boundaries. If a female does not want her man to live with only females, it would be silly to call her misandrist.
To the point about clothing and dressing. To me, it is reasonable to inform your partner about your concerns about how they dress. I do not think it should be belittling or making her to feel small. If they choose to dress provocatively, it is fine to say something that to suffer in silence.
To be brutally honest, I do not waste my time telling people how to act or dress or behave. I allow them to show who they really are and I move accordingly.
An individual not being comfortable with their partner living in a flat with only males should not be viewed as controlling. It does not mean that the individual does not want her to have male friends or hate women and it is odd that the extreme is often used to label male boundaries. If a female does not want her man to live with only females, it would be silly to call her misandrist.
To the point about clothing and dressing. To me, it is reasonable to inform your partner about your concerns about how they dress. I do not think it should be belittling or making her to feel small. If they choose to dress provocatively, it is fine to say something that to suffer in silence.
To be brutally honest, I do not waste my time telling people how to act or dress or behave. I allow them to show who they really are and I move accordingly.
did u know that you can in fact use fhe words men and women (nouns) instead of males and females (adjectives) ☺️
Original post by wolverineismygf
did u know that you can in fact use fhe words men and women (nouns) instead of males and females (adjectives) ☺️
Yes, I know.
Original post by Wired_1800
Yes, I know.
perhaps you should try it out ! 🎉
Original post by Surnia
Do boundaries only work one way? Doesn't the girlfriend have boundaries that stop her from cheating on her boyfriend? Has she complained to her boyfriend about what interaction he should have with females at uni?
Do boundaries only work one way?
Boundaries work both ways.
Doesn't the girlfriend have boundaries that stop her from cheating on her boyfriend?
Yes, she should have boundaries that stop her from cheating on her boyfriend. However, to me, it’s best to have reasonable interactions with the opposite sex. Infidelity, in my view, does not often to those unhappy to relationships or those seeking to cheat on their partners.
It’s reasonable for a female to be uncomfortable if her boyfriend would want to live with only females. The case should be fine for males too.
Has she complained to her boyfriend about what interaction he should have with females at uni?
She probably does not care about that.
Here is an example. My gf is highly traditional (knee-length skirt, respectable distance, polite smile, warmth etc.). She would never think in a million years to live with another unrelated male in a flat. To me, i wont have worried about her interactions with males at uni because I fully understand her boundaries till this day.
I also don't think that she worried about my interactions, as I am not an animal and wont want her to dump me.
Obviously, I am not trying to impose my view or lived experience on others. I am simply sharing my opinion.
(edited 3 days ago)
Original post by wolverineismygf
perhaps you should try it out ! 🎉
Alright, thank you.
making me giggle how this entire thread is missing the point… this is a gay man! have we all collectively forgotten the meaning of homosexual?
OP says he trusts his gf but.. doesnt ? trust her to keep her clothes on around a man who doesnt even like women… hm! very telling and controlling i fear
OP says he trusts his gf but.. doesnt ? trust her to keep her clothes on around a man who doesnt even like women… hm! very telling and controlling i fear
Original post by wolverineismygf
what in the world of **** are you even talking about
Thank-you for reading my post and giving your feedback on it.
Original post by Surnia
All I got from that was you don't think girls who are quiet and not physically attractive by your standards are good girlfriends and you advocate cheating. 
A woman would need a few more things to be a good wife than her looks, her charisma, her social confidence and an adventurous approach to sex.
She'd need to be compatible in her approach to money. Earning it, spending it and investing it.
She'd need to be compatible in how many children she wanted (plus or minus 30%).
She'd need to be compatible in what part of the world she wanted to live in after uni.
She'd need to be compatible in how she resolves conflict.
In the context of 2 students at different universities, a boyfriend girlfriend relationship is only worth continuing if there are real aspirations for the 2 of them to get married or to live as man and wife.
Those 4 compatible needs don't significantly affect the chances of other men making a move on the young woman. Which is why I didn't mention them in my previous post.
If I were to go into what makes a good husband it would be a male to female tailored version of the same list.
The divorce statistics are what they are - mainly - for the simple reason of either the groom or the bride or both settling for someone they shouldn't have settled with. On top of that you have marriages limping along that aren't that happy.
Good marriages are built on the right foundations.
It would be a complete distortion of what I said to say that I advocated cheating.
Monkey branching in the context of this thread is fine. Converting a relationship from exclusive to open is also fine. As would be ending the relationship.
Original post by Anonymous
making me giggle how this entire thread is missing the point… this is a gay man! have we all collectively forgotten the meaning of homosexual?
OP says he trusts his gf but.. doesnt ? trust her to keep her clothes on around a man who doesnt even like women… hm! very telling and controlling i fear
OP says he trusts his gf but.. doesnt ? trust her to keep her clothes on around a man who doesnt even like women… hm! very telling and controlling i fear
And then added 2 straight guys into the mix...
Original post by Surnia
And then added 2 straight guys into the mix...
right so. not trusting his girlfriend to keep her clothes on around .. ANY man basically. wonder how she feels about that
Original post by Dunnig Kruger
Thank-you for reading my post and giving your feedback on it.
A woman would need a few more things to be a good wife than her looks, her charisma, her social confidence and an adventurous approach to sex.
She'd need to be compatible in her approach to money. Earning it, spending it and investing it.
She'd need to be compatible in how many children she wanted (plus or minus 30%).
She'd need to be compatible in what part of the world she wanted to live in after uni.
She'd need to be compatible in how she resolves conflict.
In the context of 2 students at different universities, a boyfriend girlfriend relationship is only worth continuing if there are real aspirations for the 2 of them to get married or to live as man and wife.
Those 4 compatible needs don't significantly affect the chances of other men making a move on the young woman. Which is why I didn't mention them in my previous post.
If I were to go into what makes a good husband it would be a male to female tailored version of the same list.
The divorce statistics are what they are - mainly - for the simple reason of either the groom or the bride or both settling for someone they shouldn't have settled with. On top of that you have marriages limping along that aren't that happy.
Good marriages are built on the right foundations.
It would be a complete distortion of what I said to say that I advocated cheating.
Monkey branching in the context of this thread is fine. Converting a relationship from exclusive to open is also fine. As would be ending the relationship.
A woman would need a few more things to be a good wife than her looks, her charisma, her social confidence and an adventurous approach to sex.
She'd need to be compatible in her approach to money. Earning it, spending it and investing it.
She'd need to be compatible in how many children she wanted (plus or minus 30%).
She'd need to be compatible in what part of the world she wanted to live in after uni.
She'd need to be compatible in how she resolves conflict.
In the context of 2 students at different universities, a boyfriend girlfriend relationship is only worth continuing if there are real aspirations for the 2 of them to get married or to live as man and wife.
Those 4 compatible needs don't significantly affect the chances of other men making a move on the young woman. Which is why I didn't mention them in my previous post.
If I were to go into what makes a good husband it would be a male to female tailored version of the same list.
The divorce statistics are what they are - mainly - for the simple reason of either the groom or the bride or both settling for someone they shouldn't have settled with. On top of that you have marriages limping along that aren't that happy.
Good marriages are built on the right foundations.
It would be a complete distortion of what I said to say that I advocated cheating.
Monkey branching in the context of this thread is fine. Converting a relationship from exclusive to open is also fine. As would be ending the relationship.
Monkey branching is cheating by another name, because you don't let go of the relationship you are in whilst getting into another.
Original post by Ackhnologia
I swear
The worst is if the role were reversed, none of them, absolutely none, would even react the way they are. They would all say it is normal for the woman to feel insecure.
Men are all trash as they say nowadays. So it shows in how men are viewed and treated.
The worst is if the role were reversed, none of them, absolutely none, would even react the way they are. They would all say it is normal for the woman to feel insecure.
Men are all trash as they say nowadays. So it shows in how men are viewed and treated.
It should be called out.
Original post by Ackhnologia
I swear
The worst is if the role were reversed, none of them, absolutely none, would even react the way they are. They would all say it is normal for the woman to feel insecure.
Men are all trash as they say nowadays. So it shows in how men are viewed and treated.
The worst is if the role were reversed, none of them, absolutely none, would even react the way they are. They would all say it is normal for the woman to feel insecure.
Men are all trash as they say nowadays. So it shows in how men are viewed and treated.
I wouldnt have an issue providing i was in a trusting relationship
and have honest conversations surrounding if they want to sleep with someone they live with then tell me first and the relationship is over. But i wouldnt stop them living with their mates if they so wish.Original post by PonchoKid
I wouldnt have an issue providing i was in a trusting relationship and have honest conversations surrounding if they want to sleep with someone they live with then tell me first and the relationship is over. But i wouldnt stop them living with their mates if they so wish.
and have honest conversations surrounding if they want to sleep with someone they live with then tell me first and the relationship is over. But i wouldnt stop them living with their mates if they so wish.Who in their right mind tells their partner that they want to cheat on them? Of course the relationship would be over.
Original post by Wired_1800
Who in their right mind tells their partner that they want to cheat on them? Of course the relationship would be over.
If theres trust between each other and they care about each other then they would, or theyd be the bigger person and admit it after the fact... if they dont they dont respect you as a person
Yes i know life isnt perfect, heck iv been in non perfect relationships, but iv also been with partners who have been honest with me and things ended...
Original post by PonchoKid
If theres trust between each other and they care about each other then they would, or theyd be the bigger person and admit it after the fact... if they dont they dont respect you as a person
Yes i know life isnt perfect, heck iv been in non perfect relationships, but iv also been with partners who have been honest with me and things ended...
Yes i know life isnt perfect, heck iv been in non perfect relationships, but iv also been with partners who have been honest with me and things ended...
Yes, they would be honest after the fact when nothing can be done. What’s being discussed here is the risk mitigation before the fact.
Original post by Wired_1800
Yes, they would be honest after the fact when nothing can be done. What’s being discussed here is the risk mitigation before the fact.
You have to take risks in life or you wouldnt wake up "just incase"
just like you need to trust your partner and not tell them who to or not to live with.
Original post by Student48150
Me and my girlfriend are in the first year of university but at different places. We’ve got a great relationship and fully trust each other but I need some advice on a matter. Only two weeks into term she’s said she wants to live with a gay guy she’s met for the second year. Whilst a straight guy would obviously be a red line for me, I’m not sure how I feel about a gay dude that I haven’t met and she’s only known for a matter of days. Any advice would be appreciated 
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