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I cheated on my gf

This is a hard post for me to make. This is by far the worst decision I have made in my life.

I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend coming up to the 7 month mark. While it is still new I feel like this girl is home. She makes me laugh like nobody else has, she is my first love and I couldn’t ask for anyone else.

She is on holiday in another country for two months. This is no excuse this is just background information. It was about half way in when something happened. The urge came over me to have sex. I don’t know how it happened but it did. I searched my mind on how to do it and I ended up going to a prostitute. I drove to her house in the middle of the night and got undressed ready to have sex. I paid her but I couldn’t get hard. I tried to have sex, I put it in and it slipped straight out. Nothing was going to happen. There was no emotion, no connection.

I pulled up my pants and walked straight out the door and cried on my way to the car. I realised what I did will change my life forever. I couldn’t sleep that night. I was emotionless, like a zombie staring at my ceiling thinking about all the memories my girlfriend and I had made. And how now all those memories are worthless, they have zero meaning now that I cheated on her. I thought I never would, I thought it isnt in my DNA. But I was wrong, this girl made me feel so special, like nobody else could. We did fight occasionally, but were nothing but misunderstandings and were stuff that communication fixed.

I don’t know what was going through my mind that night. I drove to the prostitutes house, not thinking of the regret and guilt I would face 30 minutes later. In the moment I realised it was wrong. I would trade anything to go back and stop me from ever leave the house, but I can’t.

I have to live with myself, knowing I cheated. I cheated on the girl that loved me the most. Now I can’t function throughout my days. The thought of her saddens me. Thinking of all the memories we made together. Every ‘i miss you’ every ‘I love you’ a dagger through my heart. My responses now feel like lies, but they aren’t. I write her cards every word from the bottom of my heart, every single word I meant.

She doesn’t deserve to be with me. I love her, and I don’t want to hurt her. It will never happen again. The pain that I have caused to myself is unbearable, but I don’t want to hurt her or my family.

I want to tell her the truth, to be honest with her and say that I cheated. But I know she will hurt but it is probably for the best so she knows. It would be selfish to hide this from her. My family will disown me, they’ll never look at me the same.

I want to keep it inside. It kills me everyday, I almost breakdown every hour because I think of her all the time But I don’t want it to end. I honestly love this girl, I didn’t love the sex with the prostitute, I don’t love any other girl, I love her.

If I tell her part of the truth it won’t make it any better. I’ll still be lying, hiding something. But I still wonder if it’s the right thing to do. To give her a better chance at finding someone else to end up with and to spare my family from the embarrassment of raising a child who cheated.

I feel sick writing this and I can’t even imagine how disgusted she would feel if I tell her. I can live with the guilt if I were to still be in her life. I don’t know what the right decision is. I know it’s ultimately my choice and my choice alone. I don’t know why I’m typing this out on reddit but I need some advice on what’s the best choice for everyone.

I know I’m a jerk, I know I cheated. I despised cheaters and yet I’ve become one. I just don’t know what to do. I can assure you that this will never happen again, knowing how this has made me feel and taking this time to think about our relationship I could never. I made a mistake and I know it may be very hard to believe but I love this girl.

Reply 1

Surnia

You don't love your girlfriend if you were willing to cheat on her.

Tell her and let her make the decision on your future. Though a relationship where you fight over misunderstandings isn't as great as you are making it out to be, so if you do stay together the communication definitely needs sorting out.