I love my Muslim ex-boyfriend still

What happened to your self esteem?
Where is your love and respect for yourself?
Where is the inner belief that you are a good and worthy person and that you deserve to have good things happen to you?

There is no shame whatsoever in what you've done. And no shame in your emotions on this.

This guy's promises count for nothing.
He cares more about pleasing his mum than he does about doing the right thing for you.
He cares a lot more about himself, his needs, his wants, his desires than he cares about yours.
He is using you as a free prostitute.

You should work - BIG TIME - on building up your self esteem, self love and self respect.
You should work on your woman to man social skills. So that you're better at attracting men and at retaining them.
You should aim to get yourself a man that's good at doing what he says he will do.
You should get a man that tries to build romantic relationships on the basis of win-wins (instead of wins for him and losses for you).
You should get a man that treats you right outside the bedroom as well as inside it.

The good news is that all of these are easy enough to get. Go ahead and get them.

In 10 years time there's a very high chance you'll look back at the boy that took your virginity and think "Yuck! What was I doing? What was I thinking of? The man I'm with now is so much better."

Your happiness, or at least your contentment, should be self generated. Never let your happiness be dependent on whether any particular man loves you or not. No man on Earth is worth sacrificing your contentment for.

So you're happy to let a guy make you his booty call whenever it pleases him simply just because you're in love with him? Girl you're going to drive yourself to suicide if you continue. And I genuinely mean it, others will agree with me as well. You need to love yourself, as somebody else mentioned in this thread, where has your self respect gone? You have no shame but to let a guy trample on you, THIS ISN'T YOU. THIS ISN'T YOU. Please please please for the sake of your own mental wellbeing, your body, your emotions, Please don't let this guy turn your life around

I don’t know why I’m letting this happen to myself. I don’t know what’s gotten over me. I feel empty without him and I think about him all the time and miss him everyday. I don’t know how to start to move on because it obviously didn’t work the first time. It’d be so hard. I’ve been crying all day. I don’t really know what I’m doing with my life. Part of me thinks it might be due to not having a father figure in my life. But I don’t know. I just don’t feel like doing anything, I can’t tell anybody about this, not even my mum, not even him, and it hurts. I hate myself for this.

I've taken my account out of anonymous, if you want to DM me then please do. Everyone who responds to this thread is here for you regardless if it's the harsh truth or not. It's going to take a while to get over, that's something you need to accept. But yeah, feel free to DM if you want

Before I start, I know what I’m doing is wrong, but please don’t shame me.
Me and this Muslim guy (I am Christian) started dating in July, we fell in love and he took my virginity (I wanted to wait till marriage but I loved him so much), he promised we’d get married, have cute babies etc. Initially he told me he wanted four wives but digressed and said he wouldn’t if I wasn’t okay with it. The whole month of July went so well, we had one argument where the four wives were brought up again, and I got upset, but I then agreed, because at that point I had fallen so in love with him that I would compromise just so that I could be with him. I can’t imagine a life without him. The next 2 weeks went by perfectly fine, but then he broke up with me in the middle of August. At the time, I was so confused, he said he was confused with himself, that he thought he was ready for a relationship but wasn’t. I cried so much that day. He told me to take 2-3 weeks for myself to come to terms with it and that we can stay friends. I agreed because I just couldn’t let him go.
The first week was okay, but then it just hit, and I would cry and tear up almost every single day. I waited out the whole 3 weeks. We talked on the phone on that 3 week mark, he asked how I’d been etc. And I lied that I was okay and that I was over it. Later that day, he asked if we could “f*ck as friends” but I had to promise to not catch feelings or expect a relationship out of it. It broke me a little but I agreed because at least I could still have him. We met in person on the 4th week and it’s like I fell even harder, I was still so in love with him. But I couldn’t tell him, even now.
Time has gone by and we’re still friends, we talked on the phone all day yesterday, and we happened to talk about our break up. I told him July was the best month of my year, and I asked him why he broke up with me, he told me “it wouldn’t work out” because I didn’t want him to have four wives. I told him that it wasn’t the case, that I loved him before enough to allow him to have four wives. But I didn’t confess anything to him. He asked me if I wanted to be part of that and I said yes. He told me yesterday that recently he’s agreed to let his mum pick his first wife due to stuff at home. And if we were to get married I’d be his second wife or whatnot in 3-4 years time, I’m 21. And I love him so much that I’m willing to wait all that time to be with him. I sound crazy, but I can’t imagine a life without him. Even though he’s using me for sex until he gets married, then I won’t be able to touch him anymore, and it hurts. I really want to be with him, and I really wanted to be his first wife at least like he initially wanted. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve lost all purpose in my life, I’m not happy without him, and I just want to be with him.

No-one's going to shame you. You have nothing to be ashamed about, and I wish you would not hate yourself, because it's not you who is in the wrong.

Your post made me really angry, because this boy is shamelessly taking advantage of your love for him. First, let's clear something up: in the UK it's illegal to have four wives, and in Islam the 'four wives' rule is generally regarded as only valid in the early Islamic world, centuries ago. So why is he telling you that you have to accept being one of four? It's about power. He's manipulating you so that you will do anything for any chance of being with him, so you will be his permanent "f**k on the side", grateful for every msg, running back to him when he calls, and hating yourself for it. First he's dumped you from fiancée to 'friend with benefits', now he's using you for sex until he gets married to a muslim girl his mum chooses. And he's going to try to keep you on the hook even after that with the promise he'll marry you as a second wife. Fact: that's never going to happen. Instead, he'll use you for sex on the side, cheating on his wife and making you hate yourself even more.

You are worth so much more than him, and you deserve so much better than this. And you can have better than this, but you need to insist on it. You need to respect yourself, take power, take control, and reject him absolutely.

That's difficult to do, though, when it's all hidden and you have no-one to support you. Maybe one day you'll decide never to see him again, but next day you'll run back. That's the power he's slowly taken from you and given to himself.

So I think you need your mum. More than anyone, she loves you unconditionally, and wants what's best for you. She may even have noticed that something's changed in you, and be worrying about you. Parents can cope with more than you think they can: tell her what's going on. God, that's difficult, but the other side of that uncomfortable conversation could be relief and support, and getting your life back together. Do you think you could open with something like "I need to talk to you about something really bad that's making me hate myself" and then let her drag it out of you?

If you can't talk to your mum directly, talk to a trusted adult or friend. It seems like you need someone on your side who can tell you truths you need to hear and support you to take control of this situation.

Wanting to be a wife (and mother) is fine. It's a worthy and noble ambition to have in life.

Would it be fair to say - with hindsight - that what you wanted was to be the wife of a fantasy figure that you created in your head, with that fantasy figure being based on your ex?
And you've found out that the reality of your ex, the true real person that he is underneath is very different to what you imagined?

The life that you imagined you wanted was never going to happen, because your ex wasn't what you imagined he was and never was going to be.

On a more positive note: your biggest dream has a very good chance of coming true.
With some modifications.
Nobody's perfect. Not you, not any man. Even the very best marriages have disappointments, disagreements, imperfections. The good news is that these are heavily outweighed by the neutral and good and great and wonderful and magical things in the marriage.
The other modification to your dream is to get married to a different man.

Is that really such a hardship for you? Having to break the ice with and assess a variety of different men?
Maybe having to modify yourself and mature in order for you to be attractive enough for the sort of man you want to have as a husband?

Is that something worth crying over?
I don't think so. I think it's something to look forward to with a lot of optimism and enthusiasm. Because the process of meeting men and developing yourself is an enjoyable one.

As a small tip, check out what foods are mood enhancing. And adjust what you eat to displace inflammatory foods with mood enhancing ones. It would be easy to let yourself get run down. Fight against that now. Look after yourself. Something like your particular variation of the Gordon Ramsay creamy tomato soup is cheap and delicious and mood enhancing and easy to make if you have a soup maker (they cost about £30 from Asda).
https://nutritionfacts.org/topics/mood/
Or alternatively, a couple of handfulls of raw fresh blueberries are a mood enhancing delicious snack that costs about the same as a packet of crisps or chocolate bar.

Thank you for this. I’m just so scared to tell my mum. She’ll never trust me ever again. She’ll keep more of an eye on me to protect me. But I just feel like I can’t hold back. I feel so ashamed of everything I’ve let happen. I missed work today because of how awful I feel and my mum thinks that it’s her, we had an argument last night about life and money, and I started to cry, I cried all night while she was at work and she thinks it’s because of her and I keep telling her it’s not. But I’m not ready to tell her what’s really going on. I poured so much love into this boy and he just doesn’t understand or see that. I wish he could see how much I love him. I wish so much that things could’ve been different, I remember at one point planning our future together in my head knowing that he’s going to be my future husband one day and how happy I’ll be. And now I don’t even know. I don’t even know what I want in life anymore, he changed so much of my perspective on life. I went from being independent and optimistic to wanting to be a wife, his wife. And that’s all I really want now. That’s my biggest dream right now, I don’t want anything else, I don’t feel interested in anything else. I feel like a lost cause. I feel like I need serious help.

Hi,

I think you're getting some really great advice from @Dunnig Kruger, and @unknown_1219 too. It's really nice to see people being supportive to you, it warms my heart.

You're not a lost cause at all. I see someone who's thoughtful, caring, sensitive and reflective, and who has a lot of love to give. Very clearly, you haven't yet found the partner who can respect and treat you well and give you what you need. There are lots of men out there who can – not just one unattainable "dream man" that you have to track down, but lots with whom you could build a lifelong relationship of mutual trust and care.

For now, you need some self-love. Focus on you, push away the feelings of self-hate, love yourself. I'm sorry if this is difficult to hear, as you clearly still have strong feelings for this boy: but you are effectively his victim. It will take time to recover from that. I am encouraged that you are writing about him in the past tense. That's a good thing.

I hear you, about not being ready to tell your mum. I do get it, and would probably feel the same. But I've got to be honest and tell you what I think after reading your words. The things you've said about her tell me my assumption was right, that she cares about you very deeply. The fact you're saying "not ready yet" makes me think you know, deep down, that it would be a good thing to tell her. Am I right? I want to encourage you to try hard to have that conversation. These are the very moments when parents really really REALLY desperately want to be there for their children. I understand you don't want to disappoint her. Well, she may be sad, perhaps she'll cry, but I guarantee she'll be so thankful that you confided in her. As a parent myself, I am sure she won't feel disappointment at all, but huge relief that she now understands what you're going through, and can support you with it. You need to be brave to open up, but I am as certain as I can be that you will be so glad that you did. Like a huge weight being lifted from your back.

Before I start, I know what I’m doing is wrong, but please don’t shame me.
Me and this Muslim guy (I am Christian) started dating in July, we fell in love and he took my virginity (I wanted to wait till marriage but I loved him so much), he promised we’d get married, have cute babies etc. Initially he told me he wanted four wives but digressed and said he wouldn’t if I wasn’t okay with it. The whole month of July went so well, we had one argument where the four wives were brought up again, and I got upset, but I then agreed, because at that point I had fallen so in love with him that I would compromise just so that I could be with him. I can’t imagine a life without him. The next 2 weeks went by perfectly fine, but then he broke up with me in the middle of August. At the time, I was so confused, he said he was confused with himself, that he thought he was ready for a relationship but wasn’t. I cried so much that day. He told me to take 2-3 weeks for myself to come to terms with it and that we can stay friends. I agreed because I just couldn’t let him go.
The first week was okay, but then it just hit, and I would cry and tear up almost every single day. I waited out the whole 3 weeks. We talked on the phone on that 3 week mark, he asked how I’d been etc. And I lied that I was okay and that I was over it. Later that day, he asked if we could “f*ck as friends” but I had to promise to not catch feelings or expect a relationship out of it. It broke me a little but I agreed because at least I could still have him. We met in person on the 4th week and it’s like I fell even harder, I was still so in love with him. But I couldn’t tell him, even now.
Time has gone by and we’re still friends, we talked on the phone all day yesterday, and we happened to talk about our break up. I told him July was the best month of my year, and I asked him why he broke up with me, he told me “it wouldn’t work out” because I didn’t want him to have four wives. I told him that it wasn’t the case, that I loved him before enough to allow him to have four wives. But I didn’t confess anything to him. He asked me if I wanted to be part of that and I said yes. He told me yesterday that recently he’s agreed to let his mum pick his first wife due to stuff at home. And if we were to get married I’d be his second wife or whatnot in 3-4 years time, I’m 21. And I love him so much that I’m willing to wait all that time to be with him. I sound crazy, but I can’t imagine a life without him. Even though he’s using me for sex until he gets married, then I won’t be able to touch him anymore, and it hurts. I really want to be with him, and I really wanted to be his first wife at least like he initially wanted. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’ve lost all purpose in my life, I’m not happy without him, and I just want to be with him.

You’re getting some really good advice, and I truly hope you start feeling better because this man is despicable and doesn’t deserve to take up even a minute of your headspace.
If you haven’t already, I’d go completely non-contact. Don’t talk or message to him. Remove him on social media. Don’t look at his posts. Block him even. It’ll be really hard to get over him if he still has access to you online.

I do think it’s right to tell her. And I want to so bad. But part of me believes that if I tell her right now, all chances of being with him will be lost. And I feel like I’m not ready to let go until I finally tell him first. She thinks that she’s the problem and I keep telling it’s not her, and she cries for me because she wants to know what’s wrong and I feel so awful. I love her so much. I can’t bear the pain of knowing that she thinks it’s her, seeing her cry because she doesn’t know what’s wrong. She’s scared she’s gunna lose her only child because she thinks I’m chronically depressed and she doesn’t know why. I would never do that to her. Never. I just don’t know anymore. This is so pathetic of me to be feeling this way over a boy. I don’t know how I let this happen, how he let this continue. I wish I could just erase him from my memory, then none of what I’m feeling would be affecting me right now.

This is deffo rage bait or straight up trolling.

What happened to your self esteem?
Where is your love and respect for yourself?
Where is the inner belief that you are a good and worthy person and that you deserve to have good things happen to you?
There is no shame whatsoever in what you've done. And no shame in your emotions on this.
This guy's promises count for nothing.
He cares more about pleasing his mum than he does about doing the right thing for you.
He cares a lot more about himself, his needs, his wants, his desires than he cares about yours.
He is using you as a free prostitute.
You should work - BIG TIME - on building up your self esteem, self love and self respect.
You should work on your woman to man social skills. So that you're better at attracting men and at retaining them.
You should aim to get yourself a man that's good at doing what he says he will do.
You should get a man that tries to build romantic relationships on the basis of win-wins (instead of wins for him and losses for you).
You should get a man that treats you right outside the bedroom as well as inside it.
The good news is that all of these are easy enough to get. Go ahead and get them.
In 10 years time there's a very high chance you'll look back at the boy that took your virginity and think "Yuck! What was I doing? What was I thinking of? The man I'm with now is so much better."
Your happiness, or at least your contentment, should be self generated. Never let your happiness be dependent on whether any particular man loves you or not. No man on Earth is worth sacrificing your contentment for.

Why would I make this up? How could I possibly make something like this up and entertain it. How else am I to show you that what I’m going through is real. I wish we can switch minds for a day to actually feel what I’m going through.