How to calm GF when she is having an episode

Sometimes my girlfriend lets her emotions and insecurities get the better of her and little things can trigger an emotional episode for her where she starts causing a scene in public, or crying hysterically (like not just tears, but absolute insane amount of crying) and shouting things like

“You are fooling me, you are lying to me, you are cheating on me”

“You and your friends are laughing at me behind my back as you cheat, everyone is laughing at me and you are fooling me”

“I’m disappointed in myself again for trusting you”

This happens whenever I’m doing something on my phone e.g. if I go to the toilet with my phone (like every single person on the planet does) she thinks its so I can text a girl in secret, or if I go to take a private phone call she things I’m calling another girl or if I just am on my phone

Then if I say she can see my phone she will just shout “you’re trying to fool me I know you’ve deleted it, I know what you are doing”

But she says it whilst hysterically crying and sometimes it causes a scene in public.

I don’t know how to calm her down whatever I do seems to make it worse.

If I try to reassure saying how I’m not fooling or lying to her etc.. she just says I’m lying.

If I try calm her down by saying “let’s focus on breathing In and out” she shouts at me saying I’m gas lighting her

If I say “you can see my phone” she will say “I know you’ve already deleted everything”

Whenever I try to do something she shouts at me saying I’m gas lighting her or it makes things worse.

What am I meant to do when she has a crying episode or says I’m fooling her and cheating and whenever I say I’m not she says I’m lying.

What can I say that is not “gas lighting” and can help her calm down?

Reply 1

StriderHort

...why on earth would you keep dating someone like this? :confused:

I doubt there is any magic words that can stop this behaviour.

Reply 2

ageshallnot

As above, I'm afraid. Is there a future in the relationship?

Reply 3

ilovejeongin143

Original post by Anonymous

Sometimes my girlfriend lets her emotions and insecurities get the better of her and little things can trigger an emotional episode for her where she starts causing a scene in public, or crying hysterically (like not just tears, but absolute insane amount of crying) and shouting things like
“You are fooling me, you are lying to me, you are cheating on me”
“You and your friends are laughing at me behind my back as you cheat, everyone is laughing at me and you are fooling me”
“I’m disappointed in myself again for trusting you”
This happens whenever I’m doing something on my phone e.g. if I go to the toilet with my phone (like every single person on the planet does) she thinks its so I can text a girl in secret, or if I go to take a private phone call she things I’m calling another girl or if I just am on my phone
Then if I say she can see my phone she will just shout “you’re trying to fool me I know you’ve deleted it, I know what you are doing”
But she says it whilst hysterically crying and sometimes it causes a scene in public.
I don’t know how to calm her down whatever I do seems to make it worse.
If I try to reassure saying how I’m not fooling or lying to her etc.. she just says I’m lying.
If I try calm her down by saying “let’s focus on breathing In and out” she shouts at me saying I’m gas lighting her
If I say “you can see my phone” she will say “I know you’ve already deleted everything”
Whenever I try to do something she shouts at me saying I’m gas lighting her or it makes things worse.
What am I meant to do when she has a crying episode or says I’m fooling her and cheating and whenever I say I’m not she says I’m lying.
What can I say that is not “gas lighting” and can help her calm down?

Is this not taking a toll on your mental health? I think you need to realise that you are not her therapist and it is not your responsibility to fix her. She needs to see a therapist or counsellor for her episodes. Until she gets better, I don't see a future in that relationship. I would even break up with her if I were you.

Reply 4

Surnia

Life & Style Forum Helper

This won't calm her down, but you need to say it's over between you. At the very least there's no trust or proper communication on her side, so you are missing 2 vital elements of a relationship.

You have to wonder why she is staying with you if she's as unhappy as she claims; have you ever asked her that? Or called her bluff and just walked away from her when she's kicked off? If you haven't, you are indirectly enabling her by being reasonable and she's taking advantage of that by being emotionally manipulative. You sound like a good person because you are wanting to help, but she needs to sort herself out and you can do better than being a punchbag.

Reply 5

Dunnig Kruger

Does she know that you created this thread?

It's true that you're talking about her behind her back?

“You are fooling me, you are lying to me, you are cheating on me”
Tell her "I do talk to other girls when you're not with me. It is possible that I might one day end up sleeping with one of them. If that happens, I'll let you know straight away. You have my permission to talk to other guys when I'm not with you. If you find one that you think you'd prefer to me, you have my full permission to have sex with him and start a romantic relationship with him... If you want to dump me now, or at any time, for any reason, or no reason at all, then you should go ahead and do so."

“You and your friends are laughing at me behind my back as you cheat, everyone is laughing at me and you are fooling me”
Tell her "It's true that we do talk about you from time to time. And our conversations aren't always serious. I'm sure you exchange gossip with your besties too. That's fine. You can chat **** about me all you want."

“I’m disappointed in myself again for trusting you”
Tell her "I'm not asking you to trust me. You should never totally trust any man. Ever. It's up to you if you want to carry on spending time with me. If I haven't done enough to motivate you to want to spend time with me, then the fault is mine. And you should dump me."

This happens whenever I’m doing something on my phone e.g. if I go to the toilet with my phone
Don't take your phone to the toilet. Take the newspaper or a copy of Viz.

Has she been consuming a lot of inflammatory food or drink? The type of stuff that causes internal inflammation?
High salt foods? Alcohol?
Or the sort of foods that gives her a blood sugar rush followed by an insulin flood?
Try feeding her high fibre meals, washed down with water.
And giving her lots of fresh fruit, especially berries to snack on.

How often do you go on fun / interesting / adventurous dates with her?
Is it at least once every fortnight?

Reply 6

ROTL 94

Calming her 'episodes' sounds like it's best left to the men in white coats, tbh. You're better off doing without it.

Reply 7

Dunnig Kruger

Original post by ROTL 94

Calming her 'episodes' sounds like it's best left to the men in white coats, tbh. You're better off doing without it.

Ice cream sellers?

Reply 8

Admit-One

Universities Forum Helper

As above, if these' episodes' have occured more than once she needs professional help rather than platitudes whilst they are underway.

When she's on an even keel it needs addressing with her, as it's a vile way to treat you.

Reply 9

beautifulworld

i see you've tried different ways to communicate to her the truth... i can't think of any suggestions. i'm sorry she's mistrustful toward you 😥 i don't know what to say... maybe she believes you're too good for her?

Reply 10

Forlornsoul

This is toxic and controlling behaviour on gf's part - this isn't a mental health crisis
OP is deserving of mutual trust and love from their partner, which they are not getting