feel like a failure living at home

I started uni last year living at home as there is a well regarded campus uni nearby. I never felt like I made the wrong decision and I felt comfortable staying out late and going to all these societies and activities because it was all in a student bubble.

But I realised I hated my degree and long story short now I'm going to another uni in my city (they didn't have the course at my old uni), but the commute is longer and the 'campus' is really not the same. I feel like I'm in sixth form part 2. I am going to try going to societies, but the fact that its out in the middle of the city is really off-putting for me to stay out late and for whatever reason I just find it really difficult to mesh with people here and like people are already in groups somehow and don't really care for new friends. I have a friend from the previous uni but they are graduating this year and I'll not really have anyone.

Initially when I reapplied for uni, I was going through a lot mental health wise and I genuinely thought I was incapable of living on my own or it would make my situation worse or whatever, but now I feel like I've made a big mistake. I feel like I've sacrificed my social life and ability to grow up and like my peers are all moving on and I'm holding myself back. At the same time I think I would hate living where my current uni is specifically so I don't feel like it would be worth trying the accommodation. I'm thinking about transferring somewhere else for 2nd year but I'm worried that might be a mistake too and I just don't know what to do.

I think I really would like to try moving out after graduation but I feel like I'm wasting this time which is supposed to be the best social time of my life and while I think I want to move out after graduating, I don't know what life holds and from what I can tell the social opportunities are really not the same after.

Reply 1

University of Kent

Official Rep

Original post by Anonymous

I started uni last year living at home as there is a well regarded campus uni nearby. I never felt like I made the wrong decision and I felt comfortable staying out late and going to all these societies and activities because it was all in a student bubble.
But I realised I hated my degree and long story short now I'm going to another uni in my city (they didn't have the course at my old uni), but the commute is longer and the 'campus' is really not the same. I feel like I'm in sixth form part 2. I am going to try going to societies, but the fact that its out in the middle of the city is really off-putting for me to stay out late and for whatever reason I just find it really difficult to mesh with people here and like people are already in groups somehow and don't really care for new friends. I have a friend from the previous uni but they are graduating this year and I'll not really have anyone.
Initially when I reapplied for uni, I was going through a lot mental health wise and I genuinely thought I was incapable of living on my own or it would make my situation worse or whatever, but now I feel like I've made a big mistake. I feel like I've sacrificed my social life and ability to grow up and like my peers are all moving on and I'm holding myself back. At the same time I think I would hate living where my current uni is specifically so I don't feel like it would be worth trying the accommodation. I'm thinking about transferring somewhere else for 2nd year but I'm worried that might be a mistake too and I just don't know what to do.
I think I really would like to try moving out after graduation but I feel like I'm wasting this time which is supposed to be the best social time of my life and while I think I want to move out after graduating, I don't know what life holds and from what I can tell the social opportunities are really not the same after.

Hi,
I hope you are well🙂

What course are you currently studying? And do you have any career aspirations?

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Don't worry if not! I don't have a set career just yet🙂

I'm really sorry to hear that you are feeling this way, but I thought I'd hop on and try to give you some advice from my experience.

I'm currently in my third year studying Social Science, and my campus is about a 20 minute walk from my house where I live with my family. While everyones circumstances are different, due to funding, desires to move away, gain independence, and experience living on your own, I totally understand why students move away from home, and why some students stay local to home.

While moving away gives students independence, the opportunity to experience new things, meet new people, and importantly, gain experience of living alone! I think you can still gain some of these experiences from living at home. For example, I live at home and I am still part of a netball society and climbing/bouldering society which I love and really enjoy. I do live close to campus, which is a plus, but if you live locally to your university, then there's no reason why you can't be part of societies, meet with friends outside of university, and still have a good social life. You can gain independence simply by being at university. As a student you direct your learning, which means that you are being pro-active and gaining independence by taking control of your studies. In addition, I have jobs that I do around the house, including washing, food shopping etc, so I don't think I'd be completely helpless when I move out🤭

If living at home is right for you, please don't feel that you're behind all of your peers, and have missed out completely, and you are definitely not a failure for living at home! I know the feeling of 'missing out' on others experiences of living away, but I think it's important not to see living away through rise-tinted glasses. While I'm quite biased, because I've never regretted not moving away, I think it's important to sit and think if moving away is right for you. Living away means you have a few extra jobs each week, including washing, shopping, and cooking for yourself, alongside your studies. You might also need to find a part-time job, have a few messy flatmates (or clean ones if you're lucky😂) and may not get to see family and friends as much, depending on how far you move away. It's definitely not impossible to conquer all of these at the same time, but something to consider🙂

With that being said, I think it may be good for you to make a pros and cons list (or just sit and have a think if you're not a fan of lists) of changing and applying to another university, and living away. Some points you could include are:

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Finance- costs of accommodation, living costs, student finance payments.

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Courses available- You want to make sure that the course is right for you, will it allow you to progress to where you want to be in the future? Do you like all of the modules? Are you looking for placements, a year abroad/year in industry? You can chat to students currently studying different subjects on Unibuddy, to see what courses, and student life, are like.

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Open days- open days are a great way to get a feel for the university, attending these, or even the virtual ones is a great idea.

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Student Support- This is one that I think is really important. When looking at universities students tend to forget things like student support, or study skills/academic advice services that universities offer, but these are really important because you want those support networks while you're at university in case you need them🙂

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I know you've mentioned that you're not sure if you want to live away/ would be able to, however, I think that with the right support networks in place (for example, having student support that you can reach out to, or family and friends) then you can do it!🙂 Living away is completely new for most students, and will be challenging at times, but it also provides the opportunity to gain independence, and meet new people. I think that it's common for students to doubt themselves, but I think after talking to parents/carers, and even some friends about their experiences of living away, then you might start to get an idea of what it would be like for you, and if living away is something you would be comfortable with🙂

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You could always speak to some students on Unibuddy to see what accommodation, societies, and social life is like at different universities. Or you could even visit and stay with a friend who lives away (if this is possible) to get a feel for what living alone is like🙂

With your current university, I think it would be a good idea to try some societies out like you said, and give it a go, you never know you might find some friends for life and stay on there. If you're feeling nervous about being out at night, then maybe try a society in the day! Or you could even ask if some course mates wanted to meet for a coffee or go to the library after lectures for example. However, if your current university is not right for you after giving it a good go, I would approach the admissions team to find out more about transferring to another university. Once you've had a good think about all of your possible options, go with your gut! If it says to move away, then move away! Believe in yourself! 😊

I hope this helps! It's great to see that you are really thinking your options through, and that's really important to finding what's best for you😊

Sorry for the very long response! But please let me know if you have any other questions, or if there's anything I've missed out!🙃

Best wishes for the future! 🍀

Take care💕
Josie
Uni of Kent Student Rep🎓️

(edited 1 month ago)

Reply 2

greg tony

Original post by Anonymous

I started uni last year living at home as there is a well regarded campus uni nearby. I never felt like I made the wrong decision and I felt comfortable staying out late and going to all these societies and activities because it was all in a student bubble.
But I realised I hated my degree and long story short now I'm going to another uni in my city (they didn't have the course at my old uni), but the commute is longer and the 'campus' is really not the same. I feel like I'm in sixth form part 2. I am going to try going to societies, but the fact that its out in the middle of the city is really off-putting for me to stay out late and for whatever reason I just find it really difficult to mesh with people here and like people are already in groups somehow and don't really care for new friends. I have a friend from the previous uni but they are graduating this year and I'll not really have anyone.
Initially when I reapplied for uni, I was going through a lot mental health wise and I genuinely thought I was incapable of living on my own or it would make my situation worse or whatever, but now I feel like I've made a big mistake. I feel like I've sacrificed my social life and ability to grow up and like my peers are all moving on and I'm holding myself back. At the same time I think I would hate living where my current uni is specifically so I don't feel like it would be worth trying the accommodation. I'm thinking about transferring somewhere else for 2nd year but I'm worried that might be a mistake too and I just don't know what to do.
I think I really would like to try moving out after graduation but I feel like I'm wasting this time which is supposed to be the best social time of my life and while I think I want to move out after graduating, I don't know what life holds and from what I can tell the social opportunities are really not the same after.

I would highly advise against changing uni again, especially as you have already done this before and are still unsure about what to do. I think you are over-inflating the social aspect of uni, it can be good but it is not the be all end all for most people. Social life is still a thing outside of uni, especially in jobs with a younger demographic (i had some much wilder nights outside of the uni degrees i did). Regardless you need to realise while the social can be good at uni (sometimes, lots of people dont enjoy it) you are effectively paying upwards of 10k a year for uni (you will be paying it back through SLC) and generally only get one funded go at it. The social should be a tertiary factor at best not what rules your decisions.

Greg