advice on loving somebody with an addiction

my ex bf, broke up with me around February. It was surprising to everyone, we loved eachother a lot. We had issues but so does everyone. He told me previously how he has dealt with addiction issues in the past and that he overcame them. He also has had a really abusive narcissistic parent in the past which probably fed into an avoidant attachment style. Anyways we broke up in February, over silly issues but I knew he was pushing me away. I guess I let him. Ever since he’s all I thought about. We did no contact for a couple months and slowly started talking again in the summer. These convos were normal and I never blamed him for anything, I know we all deal with our own unspoken issues and I knew he was hurting and struggling again. I guess it’s cheesy but I love him unconditionally. We would text non stop in the summer and met up a few times but i was travelling a lot so I didn’t see him too much, plus I didn’t know where we stood. I saw him again when I was back from travelling and he seemed different, like his personality was ripped away, and he was hurting and losing it. But I managed to crack him and make him a little more himself towards the end and we were all good. I knew his addiction was back, he was taking lsd tabs way too regularly, doing shrooms, pills, smoking idk what else. I asked him to stop but I don’t think me telling him is enough and I didn’t wanna seem too pushy as we were still broken up. I still cared so much about him and I want to be there for him and help but I also don’t know how. Later on he blocked me randomly, and then he messaged me a few weeks later asking to meet. I said no because I was hurt that he blocked me and ghosted me and then suddenly out of no where wanted to meet. But then I may have drunk called him recently and we spoke everything out and he finally opened up to me. He said he blocked me because I deserve better and that he’s addicted to making things worse and that I can do big things bla bla. But I think I love this guy enough to actually wait and help him through this. I know it can be draining on some people but I’m not willing to give up, not yet at least. I was wondering if anyone’s dealt with similar situations, there’s a lot more to this story obviously but I do want to do everything I can to help, he finds it hard to talk to me but I can tell he wants to. I told him he can whenever he wants or he can use me as a distraction or whatever. But I’m not sure how else to handle this. I’m also really confused on all of this, I guess it’s a tough situation to be in. I need help in understanding all of this.

Reply 1

Surnia

Life & Style Forum Helper

How does he claim 'overcame' addiction issues in the past? Either he didn't do anything, or if he did he's not followed up and isn't using the techniques he's been taught to manage his addiction.

Basically, you can't help him unless he decides to help himself and that means him seeing his GP, going to rehab, contacting a charity, attending NA meetings. There's more info here:

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/addiction-support/drug-addiction-getting-help/

Similarly, someone who doesn't care for themselves isn't in a position to care for someone else in a relationship. He's not bothered about his health, his finances, his studies/job (whichever he does), or you. It needs to be explained to him, in whatever way works - firm, encouraging - that he needs to take steps to sort himself out. Don't sit around waiting for it to happen and don't sit around waiting for the guy you loved to reappear if he won't address his addiction.