My girlfriend has been lying to me about her nights out

Hey everyone, I could use some perspective here. I’ve noticed a few things my girlfriend has been hiding from me, and I’m not sure if I’m overthinking or if these are actual red flags.

1. Hidden Habits: I recently found out shes been vaping, tried smoking, and regularly uses snus, and she kept this from me for 1–2 months. She admitted she hid it because she thought I’d see it as a dealbreaker and might even break up with her over it. The habits themselves don’t bother me—I’m fine with it—but it feels weird and disrespectful that she intentionally hid something like this instead of trusting me with the truth.

2. Lies About Who She’s With at the Club: When she goes out, she’ll tell me she’s with her girl friends only, but I sometimes find out later (not from her) that there were guys there too. It’s not that I mind her hanging out with other guys in a group at the club, but it feels strange that she also intentionally hides the fact that she’s been with guys after making it extremely clear she’s only with her girl friends.

Am I just being paranoid, or does this seem like something worth addressing? Not sure how I feel about the whole thing right now and would definitely appreciate other perspectives before I can choose how I should feel. Thanks!

Reply 1

Anonymous #2

I definitely think this is something worth addressing - especially if it is on your mind. 1 I can kind of see why she would want to hide it from you, not saying that it was the right thing to do at all as yes, it is a bit disrespectful, but if you had expressed that you did not like it before then I can see why. 2 though definitely needs to be addressed; I think relationships are to do with trust and understanding, in this case trust from your side for nothing to happen with those guys and understanding from her (in the sense that she should tell you and you should be understanding about it if they are just her friends). Intentionally hiding it is also a big red flag and you should talk about this with her, just makes it seem like you don't trust her or maybe there is someone there that she does not want you to know is there?

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

Original post by Anonymous

Thank you for the reply, I definitely understand what you’re saying about the first point. I do see the reason why she went about it in the way she did, not that it’s right, but I do understand it. I will address the second point at some point over the next couple days, thank you.

Reply 3

Zarek

Agree that it’s not a good idea to deceive a partner, but I also get the feeling you may be putting her on the defensive with the way of approaching these subjects. Why not talk these concerns through with her at the right moment

Reply 4

Dunnig Kruger

Are you a clean living guy? The sort that never smokes, drinks. That eats mainly healthy stuff and a modest amount of junk and semi junk food. With regular physical activity?
If so, dump her and look for someone that's more aligned to your lifestyle.

If not, thank her and reward her for coming clean to you about vaping.

For the guys at the club use reverse psychology. Tell her she can spend the night with any guy at the club any time she wants. And that you'd appreciate it if she told you if she did, for purely practical sexual infection purposes. And that you think she's an intelligent woman that's very good at making decisions and that you trust her decision making.

If you're at uni, give this girlfriend another 3 months max. Then drop her and get another girlfriend.

Do not ever try to change the woman you're with. Either accept her or dump her.
And try to never focus on the negatives of your girlfriend. Either tolerate her negatives or rinse her out of your life.

Reply 5

brndngrn

Original post by Dunnig Kruger

Are you a clean living guy? The sort that never smokes, drinks. That eats mainly healthy stuff and a modest amount of junk and semi junk food. With regular physical activity?
If so, dump her and look for someone that's more aligned to your lifestyle.
If not, thank her and reward her for coming clean to you about vaping.
For the guys at the club use reverse psychology. Tell her she can spend the night with any guy at the club any time she wants. And that you'd appreciate it if she told you if she did, for purely practical sexual infection purposes. And that you think she's an intelligent woman that's very good at making decisions and that you trust her decision making.
If you're at uni, give this girlfriend another 3 months max. Then drop her and get another girlfriend.
Do not ever try to change the woman you're with. Either accept her or dump her.
And try to never focus on the negatives of your girlfriend. Either tolerate her negatives or rinse her out of your life.

You clearly have some issues with commitment, don't give out advice on forums when you're not stable or mature enough to know how to handle a relationship.

Reply 6

Dunnig Kruger

Original post by brndngrn

You clearly have some issues with commitment, don't give out advice on forums when you're not stable or mature enough to know how to handle a relationship.

On the contrary. Cycling through multiple relationships whilst at uni (the best place in the world to meet people) accelerates the rate at which one matures and gains experience in romantic relationships.

Resulting in a higher chance of a settling down type relationship started at the age of 25 to 35 being a till death do you part relationship.
Due to being better experienced at selecting partners and with an inner world that's more conducive to a successful relationship resulting in better, more attractive behaviour within the relationship.

The same principle applies to one's early career. It's better to jump around a few jobs and employers in the first few years than it is to stay in the same job with the same company. As this helps accelerate the rate at which experience and competence is gained.